Thursday, June 30, 2022
Wednesday, June 29, 2022
The Problem with Literature As It Stands
It's really hard to sell DLC for it. There are atlases and occasionally revised editions, but that doesn't get the job done. How can we fix this? Pay $4.99 to add your favorite Love Lives to a book?
"The townsfolk gave Garid directions" becomes "Nico Yazawa gave Garid directions." What would you pay for that?
"The townsfolk gave Garid directions" becomes "Nico Yazawa gave Garid directions." What would you pay for that?
Tuesday, June 28, 2022
Monday, June 27, 2022
The Munificence of the Heavens Is Without Limit
"When the orange moon fills Syevor Pond, you will fill the position you desire." That was the claim. Mr. A, as we shall call him, did not believe in superstition, but he believed very much in filling positions. As a consequence, he informed his secretary and his associates he had decided to take a few days off ("So soon before the chancellorship is decided? He must be confident."), planned his trip, and traveled to the town nearest Syevor Pond, which of course was called Nyaddavar.
Mr. A had his doubts when he crept through the concealing night toward the pond. Where was everybody? Was that not a widespread belief he had heard? The orange moon was full, and as for the brown and green moons, they were probably lucky too. But he was all alone as he divested himself of anything better off dry and walked into the pond.
He waded into the center of the pond, the blue waters turned orange by the looming moon, where he became embarrassed. Who else was there but Mr. B and Mr. C, his rivals for the desired position? The three pretended not to recognize one another while elbowing and shoving for that coveted spot in the center of the moon as it was reflected.
"Ahem," Mr. A said. "Gentlemen, this silliness is beneath us. Above our toes possibly, but otherwise beneath us. This superstition is nothing but, well, superstition. The same future cannot come true for everyone at once. Imagine if there were twenty of us in this pond. Or twenty-one! Hmph." Mr. B and Mr. C agreed, though their elbows had reservations. In any case, the night passed amicably enough despite the obstacles to it, and all three returned from their vacations rested, ready, and biting their nails.
Mr. A got the job. Hurray! So much for orange moons and ponds, he thought until he heard Mr. B had an offer from Nmeleurda, which was looking for a chancellor, and Mr. C from Mden Fdan, which suffered from an urgent need for the same. All three became chancellors just as the superstition said, and all three broke out in hives for five days for doubting it. Because every superstition is always true, even if it that is impossible.
Finis
Mr. A had his doubts when he crept through the concealing night toward the pond. Where was everybody? Was that not a widespread belief he had heard? The orange moon was full, and as for the brown and green moons, they were probably lucky too. But he was all alone as he divested himself of anything better off dry and walked into the pond.
He waded into the center of the pond, the blue waters turned orange by the looming moon, where he became embarrassed. Who else was there but Mr. B and Mr. C, his rivals for the desired position? The three pretended not to recognize one another while elbowing and shoving for that coveted spot in the center of the moon as it was reflected.
"Ahem," Mr. A said. "Gentlemen, this silliness is beneath us. Above our toes possibly, but otherwise beneath us. This superstition is nothing but, well, superstition. The same future cannot come true for everyone at once. Imagine if there were twenty of us in this pond. Or twenty-one! Hmph." Mr. B and Mr. C agreed, though their elbows had reservations. In any case, the night passed amicably enough despite the obstacles to it, and all three returned from their vacations rested, ready, and biting their nails.
Mr. A got the job. Hurray! So much for orange moons and ponds, he thought until he heard Mr. B had an offer from Nmeleurda, which was looking for a chancellor, and Mr. C from Mden Fdan, which suffered from an urgent need for the same. All three became chancellors just as the superstition said, and all three broke out in hives for five days for doubting it. Because every superstition is always true, even if it that is impossible.
Finis
Sunday, June 26, 2022
Addendum
I would have gone with Three Nopes, but I think that usage of "nope" is already dead. And Three Copes doesn't make sense if you think about it, which I know we all prefer not to.
Friday, June 24, 2022
Joke Corner
Fire Emblem Three Hopes? More like Fire Emblem Tree Ropes! For tire swings! I don't know. I'm just trying to manipulate search engine results.
Thursday, June 23, 2022
Wednesday, June 22, 2022
Tuesday, June 21, 2022
James Bond Rankings of Power
I've now seen all but one James Bond movie, which is the perfect number to devise the summoning ritual that involves saying the names of James Bond actors in the correct order. This is too dangerous for mortal knowledge, but this is the internet, so here goes.
1. Sean Connery
2. Pierce Brosnan
3. Woody Allen
4. Timothy Dalton
5. David Niven
6. Barry Nelson
7. Roger Moore
8. Joanna Pettet
9. George Lazenby
10. Daniel Craig
11. Terence Cooper
12. Peter Sellers
Some might claim I'm missing a few, but they don't count for reasons of hermeticism.
1. Sean Connery
2. Pierce Brosnan
3. Woody Allen
4. Timothy Dalton
5. David Niven
6. Barry Nelson
7. Roger Moore
8. Joanna Pettet
9. George Lazenby
10. Daniel Craig
11. Terence Cooper
12. Peter Sellers
Some might claim I'm missing a few, but they don't count for reasons of hermeticism.
Sunday, June 19, 2022
Difficult Moral Questions
The hero and his wary companions crouched down to pass through the portal, half-blocked by a half-fallen column. The space within, once a chamber of a tall and sprawling palace but now more appropriately called a den.
"What kind of sage lives here?" the warrior wondered.
"This kind!" The dust itself seemed to lift from the floor's cracked tiles and became a mist. Out of it walked a man, robed and menacing in his dark power. "I am the sage you seek. The last sage of evil in all the world. And the wisdom you are to hear from me is to be careful of your actions and how far you go. There is a balance in this world, a balance of good and evil. You must not wipe out evil from the world!"
The hero gasped. "Why?"
"Because I would get lonely. There are hardly any evil people around as it is. Imagine if nobody else used swords. Nobody would understand why you think better swords are a big deal. Shops would stop selling them!"
"That does sound bad for you, but I think the world as a whole will get by," the healer mused.
"And, on top of that, can't you just get a hobby?" the lovable rogue asked. "Like gardening or polo. People are doing a lot with astronomy these days, right? You can have interests other than just being evil. That actually sounds pretty boring. Do you really talk about how evil you are with other people?"
The sage of terror examined his nails. "I used to, but you killed most of them. Not that they didn't deserve it, but you know how it is. Besides, I have no need for advice from you. I'm a sage. Obviously I already attended several meetings of a society of percussion enthusiasts, but I had to stop. I feared I was becoming less evil."
"Isn't that good? To be good?" the healer asked.
"No, because of the balance."
And when all the evil power was destroyed and the recreational glassblowing scene grew so big that it was all the last evil sage could do to keep up with it, leaving him no time for evil, the world did just fine. Better than ever, as it happened.
Finis
"What kind of sage lives here?" the warrior wondered.
"This kind!" The dust itself seemed to lift from the floor's cracked tiles and became a mist. Out of it walked a man, robed and menacing in his dark power. "I am the sage you seek. The last sage of evil in all the world. And the wisdom you are to hear from me is to be careful of your actions and how far you go. There is a balance in this world, a balance of good and evil. You must not wipe out evil from the world!"
The hero gasped. "Why?"
"Because I would get lonely. There are hardly any evil people around as it is. Imagine if nobody else used swords. Nobody would understand why you think better swords are a big deal. Shops would stop selling them!"
"That does sound bad for you, but I think the world as a whole will get by," the healer mused.
"And, on top of that, can't you just get a hobby?" the lovable rogue asked. "Like gardening or polo. People are doing a lot with astronomy these days, right? You can have interests other than just being evil. That actually sounds pretty boring. Do you really talk about how evil you are with other people?"
The sage of terror examined his nails. "I used to, but you killed most of them. Not that they didn't deserve it, but you know how it is. Besides, I have no need for advice from you. I'm a sage. Obviously I already attended several meetings of a society of percussion enthusiasts, but I had to stop. I feared I was becoming less evil."
"Isn't that good? To be good?" the healer asked.
"No, because of the balance."
And when all the evil power was destroyed and the recreational glassblowing scene grew so big that it was all the last evil sage could do to keep up with it, leaving him no time for evil, the world did just fine. Better than ever, as it happened.
Finis
Saturday, June 18, 2022
Friday, June 17, 2022
History Corner
People used to put up rings of big rocks. They thought that was a good use of their time. So don't feel bad about putting together model airplanes.
Thursday, June 16, 2022
Big Dragon's Dogma News
Is it true the next Dragon's Dogma game will take place in space and have jetpacks, space lances, and astral trolls?
Their kind hates lasers and missiles both!
Their kind hates lasers and missiles both!
Wednesday, June 15, 2022
Big Fire Emblem News
Is it true the next Fire Emblem game will take place in space and have jetpacks, space lances, and survivors of supersoldier experiments with high HP?
I know that isn't what the alleged leaks say, but I thought it would be more fun to make up my own. It's not as if knowing about the next game changes it. The matter does not wait upon our approval or fear our condemnation.
I know that isn't what the alleged leaks say, but I thought it would be more fun to make up my own. It's not as if knowing about the next game changes it. The matter does not wait upon our approval or fear our condemnation.
Addendum
When James Bond dies, he'll go to a special heaven where there are parades of double-taking pigeons all day. Let's all live worthwhile lives and earn wondrous rewards such as that.
Tuesday, June 14, 2022
The Latest James Bond Scholarship
After the extensive research of watching most of the James Bond movies, including all three Casino Royales, I have a startling observation: These movies sure cut to parades a lot. Can't get enough of it.
Monday, June 13, 2022
The Case of the Impervious Perpetrator
The detective looked over the corpse, which had been separated from its animating spirit as neatly as any ever had. "Tough break, rookie. You get to come in on what's shaping up to be the most mystifying case of my career."
"I don't see how. That guy did it, right? He's standing right there." He pointed at a man standing nearby who cleaned his starfurymetal sword, humming. That man had filled every gear slot with an item cheaper than a palace made of diamonds and not much else.
"Yeah, so what do we do about it? He must be level 70 if he's 7."
"Gentle persuasion, sir."
"His Persuasion stat is so high he might convince us to take the blame for it. Start running if he opens his mouth."
The killer looked over and winked at the cops, who thought over the situation as hard as they could. Was it necessary to solve every death in the country? Acts of nature happened, and the average hurricane was level 48 at most.
"I'm unutterably disappointed in the two of you."
"Sorry, chief. We'll watch how you take care of it."
"Now I'm disappointed in myself. You know, acts of nature do happen."
"Can't disagree there, chief."
Finis
"I don't see how. That guy did it, right? He's standing right there." He pointed at a man standing nearby who cleaned his starfurymetal sword, humming. That man had filled every gear slot with an item cheaper than a palace made of diamonds and not much else.
"Yeah, so what do we do about it? He must be level 70 if he's 7."
"Gentle persuasion, sir."
"His Persuasion stat is so high he might convince us to take the blame for it. Start running if he opens his mouth."
The killer looked over and winked at the cops, who thought over the situation as hard as they could. Was it necessary to solve every death in the country? Acts of nature happened, and the average hurricane was level 48 at most.
"I'm unutterably disappointed in the two of you."
"Sorry, chief. We'll watch how you take care of it."
"Now I'm disappointed in myself. You know, acts of nature do happen."
"Can't disagree there, chief."
Finis
Sunday, June 12, 2022
Friday, June 10, 2022
Thursday, June 9, 2022
The Most Shocking Revelation
"Nrevyw backwards . . . is wyvern! Our substitute teacher is a wyvern, and he's been killing the students to feed his young!"
The surprising part is that it isn't a disguised wyvern. It's just hovering there, eating people. But then you have to make the rest of the movie. Twists just don't get you very far.
The surprising part is that it isn't a disguised wyvern. It's just hovering there, eating people. But then you have to make the rest of the movie. Twists just don't get you very far.
Nostalgia Corner
Does anyone remember E3? Boy, was it ever terrible. I think there's merit in piling up all as much terrible stuff into one event in the year though, much as Christmas is the one time of year you can have the most gauche house decorations imaginable. Sometimes you just gotta let the demons out.
Wednesday, June 8, 2022
How to Level Up Your Story
Tank? Supertank.
King? Superking.
Mangonel? Supermangonel.
Cilious? Supercilious.
Always remember. Your audience won't know how great everything is unless you say so.
King? Superking.
Mangonel? Supermangonel.
Cilious? Supercilious.
Always remember. Your audience won't know how great everything is unless you say so.
Tuesday, June 7, 2022
Monday, June 6, 2022
The Third Party to Negotiations
Shaedri was crying, which was not too blameworthy given his age, his uncle Dnaegri allowed. That was the limit of his leniency however. He decided to take the boy in hand.
"Nephew. For what reason are you crying? Whatever the problem is, fix it," he said with the full force of age and relation. "That dumb Beuric! I'll never play with him again! I hate him forever!" Shaedri said something of the sort, though his sniffles made deciphering hard.
Dnaegri knew nothing about any Beuric and did not care to learn, but his nephew's complaint reminded him of a story from long ago. "Nephew. This is something you ought to hear." He sat down and arranged his clothes and his beard for comfort. Shaedri sat too. Even at his age, he was wise enough to quiet down and listen at times.
"Long ago, there were two countries called Foirely and Storoddia. They argued over borders, feuded over trade, and raided each other any time the young men thought their prospects were dim. The more prudent on either side tried to bring the two countries together and make some lasting peace, but the thing was impossible. In the end, they managed a new kind of treaty that impressed the governments of both countries with its novelty. That was the non-cooperation pact. Representatives signed the instrument and swore great oaths to keep the terms.
"You might not think it, but once they agreed to that, most of the fire went out of the inferno along the border. It seems once everyone knew where everyone else stood, they could settle down and worry about their own business. Relations went from hot to cool and even started to warm the other way. There was more trade, more international ventures, and more support between the two when either one was invaded by neighbors they still hated. The more prudent looked forward to a friendlier new age."
"That's when the earthquakes and floods began. The tornadoes came next. Rains of fire and poison emptied cities overnight. The gods by whom they had sworn inflicted the punishment they deserved for breaking their oaths. Within a year, neither Foirely nor Storoddia any longer existed. Their lands were taken by countries that kept their word when it was given. So remember, nephew. Either you must reconcile with Beuric or be his enemy, but I don't want to hear any of theses wishy-washy claims that will be retracted an hour later. Understand?"
Shaedri nodded, which did not at all mean he truly understood. That was not too blameworthy, given his age.
Finis
"Nephew. For what reason are you crying? Whatever the problem is, fix it," he said with the full force of age and relation. "That dumb Beuric! I'll never play with him again! I hate him forever!" Shaedri said something of the sort, though his sniffles made deciphering hard.
Dnaegri knew nothing about any Beuric and did not care to learn, but his nephew's complaint reminded him of a story from long ago. "Nephew. This is something you ought to hear." He sat down and arranged his clothes and his beard for comfort. Shaedri sat too. Even at his age, he was wise enough to quiet down and listen at times.
"Long ago, there were two countries called Foirely and Storoddia. They argued over borders, feuded over trade, and raided each other any time the young men thought their prospects were dim. The more prudent on either side tried to bring the two countries together and make some lasting peace, but the thing was impossible. In the end, they managed a new kind of treaty that impressed the governments of both countries with its novelty. That was the non-cooperation pact. Representatives signed the instrument and swore great oaths to keep the terms.
"You might not think it, but once they agreed to that, most of the fire went out of the inferno along the border. It seems once everyone knew where everyone else stood, they could settle down and worry about their own business. Relations went from hot to cool and even started to warm the other way. There was more trade, more international ventures, and more support between the two when either one was invaded by neighbors they still hated. The more prudent looked forward to a friendlier new age."
"That's when the earthquakes and floods began. The tornadoes came next. Rains of fire and poison emptied cities overnight. The gods by whom they had sworn inflicted the punishment they deserved for breaking their oaths. Within a year, neither Foirely nor Storoddia any longer existed. Their lands were taken by countries that kept their word when it was given. So remember, nephew. Either you must reconcile with Beuric or be his enemy, but I don't want to hear any of theses wishy-washy claims that will be retracted an hour later. Understand?"
Shaedri nodded, which did not at all mean he truly understood. That was not too blameworthy, given his age.
Finis
Saturday, June 4, 2022
Friday, June 3, 2022
Thursday, June 2, 2022
A Question to Diablo Lore Experts
Wouldn't Diablo being immortal cause a lot of problems? Lootwise if nothing else. The plot might be a little unsatisfying as well. There's a reason there isn't a Tuck Everlasting game, and I imagine this is it.
Wednesday, June 1, 2022
History Corner
Did you know . . . that Charlemagne's thing wasn't the Holy Roman Empire? That came later. Also, Charlemagne is a dumb name to call him, but I guess we're stuck with it.
Addendum
And then you add in container shipping and the whole thing becomes unsalvageable. Which is a big problem with container shipping. You're gonna want to salvage those containers.
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