A Brutal Takedown of Monarchy

Why is it monarchy and not monocracy? Or, alternatively, why not demosarchy? Or, failing that, why not onerule and peoplerule? Why are we bothering with this Greek nonsense in the first place? An inferiority complex?

A Question of Succession

The king summoned his three sons to determine who was best suited to have the kingdom pass into his hands. First he asked the eldest, "What are the duties of a king?"
"Googagoo."
Second he asked the middle son, "What is the meaning of justice?"
"Ugaa!"
Third he asked the youngest, "How is peace best maintained?"
"Gagooga?"
Perceiving that none of his sons were worthy on account of being babies, he designated as his heir the man he thought most capable of ruling after him. His subjects rejoiced at his wisdom and the secure future they saw.
Moral: Hereditary rule is a terrible practice.
The heir increased his support with the people and within the palace until he felt secure in his influence. Then he murdered the king and took the throne. However, he misjudged, and the kingdom fell into years of ruinous strife.
Moral: Hereditary rule may have been dismissed too quickly back there.
At last a great man rose above the chaos and settled the land, afterwards ascending to the kingship. He ruled excellently, his son ably, and his grandson squandered the treasury and turned everyone against him.
Moral: No idea.
Finis

The Hidden Burdens of Illegality

One day the king decreed a change to the law code. "The punishment for a criminal, justly tried, shall be equivalent to the harm suffered by the victims."
"How wise!" the advisors said. "How succinct! Then the murderer shall be put to death and the robber deprived of his goods."
"No!" The king stood and brought his hand down in a decisive gesture. "The murderer shall sit in a room listening to people prattle about matters of no consequence to him. The same for the robber, the adulterer, and the adjuster of scales. Every other crime shall have the same punishment."
"Surely the costs to the victims are not those," the advisors said, more doubtful than before.
"I am the king, and in every case brought before me, I am made a victim."
Soon crime vanished from the kingdom altogether.
Finis

Fifth of July

All right, fun's over, time to kneel to the queen again.

The Qualifications of Monarchy

"Once, the country suffered defeat in the north, in the south, the west, and on the sea. The people wondered, what was the reason for their ceaseless defeats? Was it their courage that was lacking? The quality of their arms? The favor of the gods?
"'The difference is this,' one of the captains of the people told them. 'Our neighbors select a single head for their body, a man surpassing the rest in excellence who prepares them in peace and manages them in war. They call these men kings. We can never overcome them as long as our captains dispute with one another and follow various counsels.'
"The people went to the richest man among them, and therefore the wisest, and asked for his help. 'Choose for us a man to prepare us in peace and manage us in war. Raise up a king, so we will lose no more. You would be our choice were you not so old, but point out who is second-best.' The rich man thought and pondered and considered, and at last he chose a man.
"The people were puzzled when he told them his choice. 'That man cannot be said to surpass the rest in excellence. He cannot be called second-best. Why have you chosen for us this man who is not tall, not rich, not handsome, not witty, not brave, and not charming? What makes this man a king?'
"The rich man told them, 'Your king will hold all power in his hands. He will collect revenues such as no one of you could earn. His relatives will rise to high positions, however little they deserve it. You will bow to him and flatter him and follow his commands. And you say he should be better than you as well? Nonsense! Envy would destroy you as surely as our enemies. I give you this man that you might look down on him whom you raise up. In no other way will you be able to bear his rule.'
"The people did as he said and reversed their fortunes. They defeated all their neighbors and extracted tribute from them. All their affairs prospered. From that time we learned always to revere the authority of the king if not his person and never, ever think of rebelling no matter how weak or incompetent he appears. Then least of all."
"Wow, thanks for the story, Mr. Royal Archivist! And thanks to the king for being the king even though he's terrible at it! Long live the king!"
"It was my pleasure, kids. I'll pass your kind wishes on to my uncle the next time I see him."
Finis