Addendum

But what if that isn't enough? Have a villain or rival guess at the plan, but guess wrong, and have him to repeat it to all of his associates until it gets to someone who knows the plan and says, "No, what will actually happen is . . ."

How to Write a Book Quickly

Start by having the main character come up with an intricate plan, then every time a new character is introduced, describe the plan again in full. You'll be done in no time.

Beware of This Ambiguity

When you give a character nova magic it may be obvious to you whether you mean that it's new or that it draws power from exploding stars, but your audience won't know. Therefore be sure to give a long explanation every time it comes up. Your readers and your word count will appreciate it.

Metaphor Versus Simile

Similes are better because they use more words. Get up that word count, fellas. For the reader? The audience's happiness is your happiness, my friends.

The Proper Length for a Novel

A novel ought to be large enough that when the pages are cut out, a gun can be hidden inside. It will look suspicious if I only have one of those. Please hurry, authors. My wealthy bachelor uncle is on the verge of writing me out of his will.

The Way Forward

There's been a lot of stagnation in the literary world, which means a new trend is coming. What will it be? Fiction told entirely in the future perfect tense. That will have gotten readers more invested in the proceedings and increased the word count without the need for food descriptions.

Random Filler Table

Uh oh! You wrote a novel and forgot all the filler! How can you get up to 700,000 words that way? Don't worry, that's why erasers have pencils. Simply use the ideas from this list to start off your filler sections. Optionally, use a random number generator to determine the order, but you have to use all of them.

1 Feast description
2 A letter from home
3 A maid's perspective
4 Training montage
5 Town where something seems off (they're all in a cult)
6 Magic school!
7 Sea voyage
8 Dreams
9 Romeo and Juliet side plot
10 something something humans destroy nature how sad
11 My wallet/purse/bag was stolen!
12 Mansion where something seems off (vampires)

If you're writing book 2 or later of a series, feel free to make one of these ideas the entire plot.

Three Act Structure

In the first act, have something happen. This act should take up about 5% of your novel. At the end, have something else happen. This third act should be another 5%. The second act should be 90% of your novel. There is no need for anything to happen in this act.

Election Day

The results are in, and the new President of Fantasy and Science Fiction is you, the readers! Wow! And boy do I have a bone to pick with you jerks and your misbegotten policies.