The Wave of Tomorrow

Everybody who's anybody is writing directions in numpad notation. Get with the times, gramps. Whether you live in Germany, Uganda, New Zealand, Virginia, or 4 Virginia, catch the wave today.

Q&A Corner

Q. Why is there so much medieval fantasy?
A. Because anything with a king in it gets called medieval.

What Cannot Be Escaped

The stomping and scraping of the site workers that preceded the sun's setting by a little did not divert the Chief Reclaimer's attention, and he only raised a hand in response to the evening farewells. "Goodnight, Chief. Don't stay up too long, Chief." They knew the inevitability of his staying up too long, but wanted to say something. There were worse bosses in their field.
He worked long after the sun set with a single lantern in its place, dusting every speck of dirt and debris off the ancient relics that made the Old Pile worth excavating by the state while night and silence surrounded him.
"Your eyesight won't thank you for these late nights." The silence ended, and the Chief Reclaimer stood and turned around.
"Oh, ah, who . . . may I help you?" He saw a man, or so he supposed, but what he perceived was the edge of a blade, shining scarlet in the dark. "That's . . ."
"It is. You may help me by not moving. I was paid to do this." Halfway through those words, the Chief Reclaimer ran and the other followed. Both stumbled, the latter from unfamiliarity and the latter from stiffness and terror of that blade which belonged to the sword which cleaved might from main, forged by goblins in ages past. He knew of it as any scholar would and feared it.
He stumbled more and longer between the two, unequal to the chase. At last he collapsed and twisted, holding up an arm despite knowing nothing could stop the Sword of Exhaustion. It swung, and that was the end.
The Chief Reclaimer awoke the next day in his bed in town, late for work and feeling better than he had in years. He might have felt better yet had he been given a chance to examine that strange man's relic, but nothing could be done about that.
Finis

Expand Your Dreams

You: King Arthur, but gritty
Them: King Arthur, but there's a million of them

Stellar Elaboration

If your tough priest story involves spaceships, does that mean an entire spaceship has to wear an animal mascot costume? Yes.

Important Reminder

You should probably have your tough priest dress up as an animal mascot at some point. This is an essential aspect of storytelling.

On Technological Progress in Fantasy

A common complaint is uttered, and we must heed it. "Fantasy worlds don't advance enough over the years," people say. What I wonder is what are these worlds, and how would we know?
Few series span enough time to see much change. Few settings are exploited by multiple series. Midkemia sees a few generations, but that's uncommon. Should we expect rapid technological progress over the year or two most stories span? I don't think we should.
Our knowledge of the past in most settings comes from its own history and legends. Now imagine somebody during the Thirty Years' War reading a history of the Year of the Four Emperors, a millennium and a half earlier. What would tell him the technology of his own year was different? The lack of windmills? Why would the author mention windmills? This guy raised an army and fought that guy. What technological advancement would our hypothetical reader see in that? Just the same way, the ancient legend about the hero defeating the demon god wouldn't say a thing about irrigation techniques or dye fixing.
Some suppose an unrealistic lack of technological advancement to be common in fantasy, but I disagree. The real problem with fantasy is not enough tough priests and clumsy maids.

Reasonable Occupations

I'm not saying your tough priest has to oversee an orphanage. I'm merely suggesting it.

The Sundial

"I was told, little brother, that this sundial was special indeed," said Plous, shrugging. "How could a sundial be special? I trust the judgment of my buyers, however."
"Good, but don't trust their honesty. Everyone says you're too rich to notice some missing money here and there, and I hate it when everyone is right." Clous set down his cup and stood. "Shall we take a look?"
The brothers ambled into the garden where a pair of laborers even then were setting a pedestal in place and crowning it with Plous's latest acquisition. The workers finished and backed away, hats off, while the brothers looked.
"Big brother, I have noticed something special."
"As have I. I hoped it was an illusion, though."
"The shadow is on the wrong side."
"It is, yes."
"And moving too quickly."
"Far too quickly."
Plous and Clous considered the sundial as the shadow altered itself with no respect for the sun's position.
"Little brother, have you heard talk about the unseen sun? And the coming of the new gods, the End of the Facade, and so forth?"
"Yes, that madman Droumas makes sure of that with his tireless tongue."
"This sundial is . . ."
"Let's bury it."
"Excellent idea."
Plous called for the workers and told them what he wanted done. They did not understand, but they finished the work that very day.
Finis

Addendum

No one will ever ask if their tough priest can have huge muscles, because c'mon. I mean, really. Let's be serious here.

The Newest Trends

Out: Huge muscles
In: Tough priest

Change of Venue

Now that games are dead, what's the next way to distribute fantasy and science fiction? Radio? Pamphlets? MO disks? Radio? A guy with a beard standing in the middle of the street shouting about wizards?

Notes on Ys V

Spoilers!
I used a Light spell on a skeleton and that did not eradicate the skeleton please refund my MP.
It seemed as if they had three different ideas for the story and never decided which one they were picking. They just threw in some of each instead.
That old guy saying nothing good would come of hanging out with Stoker sure didn't know what he was talking about. I figured Stoker would be the final boss instead of being friendly and helpful the entire way. What a twist!
MP as a number? Not even a bar crackling with eldritch potential?
The enemies don't care that Adol is around. Or that he's killing them. The designers had to put all of them in small rooms or on plateaus to contrive a chance for them to attack.
The hitboxes. Goodness gracious. I couldn't figure out what some of the spells did because they never hit anyone. Those tentacle grabby guys near the penultimate town snatched Adol from three screens away. What a mess.
The final complex is a million times more interesting than the dumb old Darm Tower. A town, important locations spread around, a lot of movement that isn't entirely backtracking, different graphics . . .
The menus are so experimental, so avant-garde, so clunky. I would say I respect the ambition, but I don't. They're menus that make everything take longer than it should.
When Rizze first appeared, I thought she was supposed to be an old lady.
The plot seems like it should hinge on the Kefins being trapped in the city, but they can leave any time. They also don't seem like such a big deal that sealing them away is all that important. They just had some magic that kinda worked OK I guess. Adol beat them all up easily enough.
That last boss sure was enigmatic. The enigma is who's supposed to care.
Overall I give it my slowest attack animation rating of Adol's arthritis/10.

The Coronation

Talking about things like "winning E3" is ridiculous. Now that we've all agreed to pretend to be reasonable, Nintendo won E3 by talking about games that might come out this year instead of concentrating on ones that probably won't make next year. That Breath of the Wild 2 bit hurt that a little, but what else can a publisher do in the face of Genshin Impact supremacy?

The Thirst for Publicity

Do you really need to set up a big video presentation just to tell people you're translating the lawyer game you didn't translate before? They could have translated it in the first place and saved themselves the trouble.

I Fell in the River and Now I'm in the World Where All the Good Games Went?!?!

If you've never been to the world where all the good games went, you're missing out. It's not all mouses and keyboards there, though.
"So let me get this straight. Only I can defeat the Dark Lord Eethree for some reason, and he's doing something or other that's bad. Sounds plausible."
"I'm glad you think so! I'd sure hate if you became suspicious."
Nothing could be more suspicious than my self-declared guide, a snake with a bowtie and comically large glasses. I mean, a snake? Why not a scorpion or a three-toed backstabber?
"Lead the way, snake buddy. You go first. I'll follow at a distance that shows my regard for your privacy."
"Wow, you're the most polite hero we've been sent so far! I hope you do better than the others!"
"What was that?"
"I said, I hope you like competent RTS games, space sims, RPGs (narrative-based, open world, real time, turn-based, dungeon crawler, and more), puzzle games, first-person shooters, third-person shooters, strategy games, hardboiled detective mysteries both with and without FMV, pirate simulators, 2D platformers with lots of secrets, action games with non-numeric powerups, god games, rhythm games, wrestling games that work, fighting games with singleplayer content, and much more!"
"I do like those things."
"Then off we go!" The snake wriggled into the strange world I'd washed up in, and I followed.
Finis

The Bright Side

Now that games are dead, we'll all have much more time to spend reading blogs, commenting on blogs, and throwing money at writers of blogs. It's like horse armor, but you don't get armor and there's no horse. Possibly a horse face though.

Just to be Clear

Tales of Arise looks terrible, doesn't it? It isn't just me, right? Both visually and in the indications of plot and characters and whatnot. Completely ugly and joyless with no real style.

My Deepest Apologies

January 2022, not Holiday 2022. So far. Who releases games in January?

E3 Fever

I'm burning up! With E3 fever! Vision growing dim! Leaks everywhere! I don't know if I'll make it long enough to check out some gameplay-free trailers for games set to come out Holiday 2022, half of which will never make it to release! Tell my wife I married her for social status!

More Like Final Fortnitasy

While my official position is that I'm going to mock that Final Fantasy battle royale game for being a Final Fantasy battle royale game, if it weren't mobile I'd probably play it.

Behind the Curtains

And that's how people come up with fantasy and science fiction settings. Bet you didn't know that. Also, if you look around carefully, maybe you can figure out who won the discus throwing competition before your world was made.

World's End Track Meet

"Welcome, everyone, to the World's End Track Meet!" The man with the megaphone waited for the cheers and hoots to exhaust themselves before he continued. "We have been assigned the duty and honor of determining the nature of the new world to be created after the old world ends. Not our world, of course!" He paused for laughter but heard more hooting and pious chants instead.
"You can see the hurdles set up on the track for the first race. Our competitors will be running and jumping for the right to make some tricky decisions about gravity. Inside the track our discus throwers are warming up for optimal performance, and with good reason. The stakes are high: Will the new world have elves in it?" The favorite in the discus, a dwarf, paused to look at the stands and wink. The crowd went wild, especially its elven members.
"On the north side we have lovely targets set up for our archers to test their skills and whether the gods will intervene in person, through dreams and signs, or not at all. The south side is perfect for pole vaulting and naming the longest river, not to mention deciding how long and wide it will be." The vaulters waved.
"That's it for the first set of events, but don't forget to refresh yourself with fruit-flavored snow cones at Stations 1 through 6. Hey, what's with those numbers? That's right! The most popular station's number equals the number of moons, so remember to vote with your tongues!" The station attendants smiled, number 3's widest of all. Cherry always won.
"The hurdles will start in a minute. Before that, though, let's all give a huge round of applause and prayer to our sponsors, Hystar World Ender and Protar World Maker! None of this would be possible without their support and infinite godly might." The crowd and participants all clapped as if their lives depended on it, which they almost certainly did not. Nobody wanted to risk dying before seeing the three-legged race, though.
Finis

Character Motivations

Nothing is more important in a story than for the protagonist to have goals the audience can understand. If you're having trouble coming up with one, here are some examples:

1. Adventure
2. Adventure
3. Adventure

Ancient Wisdom

You might be wondering if you can put some big muscley arms on your sentient spaceship, but buddy, the arcades beat you to that long ago.

The Latest Twist

But what if the evil demon hellship . . . is the good guy? Dun dun dunnnn!

Some Examples

Demon Cruiser Sundrinker
Dorset the Unmissing Rifle
Chaotic Frame

Human Inadequacy

There you are, trying to give your characters distinct weapons, only to realize there aren't really that many. What's worse, most of them are different terms for some metal tied to a stick. What to do?
Invent a time machine and confiscate all the boring weapons, of course. Until then, the best we can do is curse them in different ways. That one has a demon in it and that one will betray you when you need it the most. You get the idea.
Some people think guns and spaceships can't be cursed, but they're the ones who will get it the worst.

History Corner

Did you know that most wars in history were fought for control over fewer people than live in several major cities today?