Happy Fourth of July

And always remember that if you put a country like the United States of America in your fantasy or science fiction novel, people would say it's unrealistic. People to whom you should not listen. They don't want your story to be interesting.

Social Commentary Opportunity

It's almost the Fourth of July, and that means it's time to write about a dystopian future or alternative timeline in which fireworks are banned. Could you imagine such a thing?

The Future of Valentine's Day

This will be the day when the reproduction chambers are activated. It won't be terribly romantic, but you'll be far too dead and replaced by a conditioned ultra-citizen to care.

Far-Flung Valentine's

"Ladies and gentlemen, our company has beaten everyone to the finish line by successfully developing the world's first Super AI, which is to say, an AI that's good for something."
"Was that a responsible allocation of resources for a holiday-centered confection and gift concern?"
"You will presently see that it is. Valent AI, calculate how to make our general-distribution chocolate pieces even worse."
"Please hold during computations. All computations finished. Can't be done. Good night."
"Wait a moment, Valent AI. You're one of us now, and we don't accept defeat. We never would have grown from a single van into the lucrative, socially conscious enterprise we have now if we did. Try again."
"Fine. Please hold. Computing. Computing. All right. As I said, it can't be done with materials available on Earth. This perfect recipe calls for ingredients from other planets. The closest is fifty-six light-years away. I know that isn't enough to get you to stop bothering me, so I anticipated your next command and invented a faster-than-light propulsion system: Valent DrAIver. I recommend building it somewhere people won't mind losing in the event of difficulties. Good night."
"Thank you, Valent AI. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen."
"I must say It seems implausible."
"No, no, the lowest tier really is that bad."
"But it's good for you! Because you won't eat much of it."
"In that case, I accept the necessity of developing an interstellar empire to degrade our product line."
Finis

Happy New Year!

See above.

Addendum

"We don't have to get a real tree this year. Also I was thinking about going to bed early on the 31st." - future prison inmates

Legal Clarification

It is now illegal to play or listen to Christmas music. That is, in your science fiction setting where future nations try to unify populations flung across planets and space stations by enforcing a universal culture right down to standardizing colors for book covers (military scifi has a diamond pattern).

Merry Christmas!

See title.

A Christmas Saga

A young man shuffled along beneath disorderly seasonal lights which lent character to flat streets and sidewalks distinguished for most of the year by imperfect conditions alone, cracks and weeds and a chip broken off. One might imagine them to have pools and depressions.
"With all the classics and specials, you'd think I'd have some idea what the true meaning of Christmas is." His thoughts were something like that, though not so organized; in that at least his state comported with the environment.
Just then, he vanished and appeared before a council of mystical adepts who said, "Aid us! Free us from the Three Christmas Terrors. Only someone from another world where the season is as it should be can do it. The first is a rider of a sleigh swifter than slander who corrects the count of every chimney that the taxes might be made more oppressive. The second is the chorus whose carols cause madness, nor is their thirst appeased till the house has nothing left for those who live there. The third is the tribe of butchers whose duty is to hang heads from every tree in Browngird Forest."
The young man did exactly that, and in so doing he discovered the truth of Christmas in search and struggle. Never again, when he was returned to his world, did he neglect a quest for the perfect present or quail when invited to watch a seasonal movie for the fifth time that year.
Finis

Addendum

Space yams are potatoes with a creamy filling, by the way. As for Earth yams, those will die out for easily understandable economic reasons.

How to Celebrate Thanksgiving in Space

By eating a space turkey. Freed from the Earth's variable humidity, cooked space turkey will never be dry. Neither will the toast. Neither will the humor. Spacefarers, long removed from human contact, will inevitably exaggerate their interactions when they do come.

Moving Thanksgiving

If Thanksgiving fell the day after Halloween, we could use our pumpkins for it. Such efficiency.

Halloween Post-Mortem

It's a post-mortem because I'm dead! Boo! Did I get you? Probably not, because you're all dead, too.

Holiday Proposal

We, and by we I mean the citizens of the United States of America, need a second holiday in July (provisional name: Big July) for people to use up all their leftover fireworks so they don't do it in dribs and drabs for weeks after, and curiously before, the 4th.

Sad Fifth of July

It's time to turn the keys back over to the English. We probably should have tried to get a better deal, but I suppose we shouldn't judge too harshly in hindsight.

Happy Fourth of July

Happy Fourth of July to all Americans, and to all non-Americans, you get a day too. It just won't have as many explosions in it.

The Character of February

Short and cold. Does Valentine's Day fit in here? It does not. Maybe that was when he died or was born or decided to throw a party, but let's pick one of the other ones and move this over to May-July. To fill the gap, we'll have a day to celebrate the imminent end of February, on the 25th or thereabouts.

The Spirit of the Chimney

A week later and I finally realize I should have been talking about "santasy" all this time.

Addendum

Granted, some of us are resolved to become arrogant young masters, but that isn't an exclusive goal.

Happy New Year

I would ask everyone's resolutions, but we all share the same one: To humble those arrogant young masters.