Types of Circuit Judges

Seize upon your favorite randomization method and challenge fate!

1. Stern
2. Amused
3. Lax
4. Mage
5. Priest
6. Dragon
7. Secretly looking for something
8. Philanderer
9. The king in disguise
10. One of five mighty guardians animated by the country's founder
11. Impostor (conman)
12. Vampire
13. Forbidden to enter capital on the grounds of worrying popularity
14. Sports lover
15. Impostor (comrade on expedition fulfilling his dying friend's request to take his place rather than let that scoundrel have it)
16. impostor (supernatural being)
17. Tourist who resents all these cases that keep spoiling his travels
18. Rumored strongest swordsman
19. Collector
20. Inventor of the piano

Come to think of it, first generate a number to decide how many of these to use. They aren't mutually exclusive. Before that, in order to determine whether to include a circuit judge at all, consult the random official table, which does not exist. Here at least.

Squire Selection

If you get an octopus for a squire, that would be pretty convenient, wouldn't it? He could hold all kinds of weapons for different situations at once, and even casual and formal wear for those sudden princess situations.

Borrowing Successful Ideas

Nowadays all the Youtubers put up a video with one title and thumbnail then change it later to trick more people into watching. This has been done also with the Wheel of Time. Isn't it time for this technique to propagate across the sequential-word industry?

Double Heaven

"When the day comes, if you have lived rightly, tranquil fields will be yours to wander. Had you still needs they would be met, but as it is, nothing but untroubled time awaits you for the space of a year.
"At that time a messenger will arrive to inform you of an offer. You may continue to reside in that blessed realm, or you may spin the wheel. Should it stop at a favorable position, you will ascend to a more exciting afterlife, but in the other case, you will return to the mortal world to live and strive for righteousness again.
"The higher afterlife is the province of the witty, the learned, and the well-traveled where lassitude is impossible. Having dwelled there for ten years, the same messenger or another will inform you of another land reached by a similar method. That realm is impossible for me to describe. After a century there, the messenger will approach you again, and so on. Well? Would you take the first chance? The second? What do you think?"
"Grandpa, I wouldn't and neither would anyone else."
"Heroes would, child. And as for those heroes . . . do you think they hope for the outcome you would?"
Finis

A Little Precaution

To avert the inevitable accidents when people realize the equivalent of "airspace" must be "spacespace" and the resulting hesitation to bring it up, we should change space's name now. I like "firmament," but it's too long to resist abbreviation, and "firmspace" and "firm elevator" aren't inspiring me to hand over the Pulitzer. "Ether" would be good but has appropriated. "Empyrean" doesn't shorten very well either. We could retrace our steps and go with "spatium," or "spat" for short, which has meanings already that are more likely to amuse than confuse.

Addendum

I thought about having it be a status symbol, but the problem with that is soon people with unquestionably high status would write poorly on purpose to show off. We' be back where we are now within a few generations. Here's another suggestion though: Genetic engineering.

Science Fiction Worldbuilding Challenge

Come up with a reason for future people to have generally good handwriting. All I can come up with right now is that it helps with getting through capchas.

Turning Regional Differences to Your Advantage

It will in nearly all circumstances be unnecessary to clarify, for example, "Raghald Bloodletter paced the first floor, by which I mean the one on the bottom and not the next one up." However! Consider the word count. Really think it over.

Addendum

You can, if you're being needlessly thorough, add in whether he can spell "questionnaire" without looking it up. I admit that I cannot. Hey, there's another question for the list. You see how it is. Pointless questions proliferate while the pointed go unaddressed.

Character Questionnaire

When creating a character, be sure you can answer the following questions about said character:
What's his fighting style?
How mighty is he?
That covers everything a proper narrative requires.

Paying the Mage Fee

Obeying the long-standing decree, every mage recognized by the realm save those currently abroad presented himself at the palace to enrich the treasury by one magical item. Fifth-rank mage Hufden handed over a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to receive an aura discouraging to flies for five hours, after which he returned returning home.
The next morning, he awoke to find the single chair near his bed occupied by a person who happened to be the king.
"Fifth-rank mage Hufden, what was that?"
"Well, Your Majesty, as commanded, an item 'proportional in power to the skill of the producing mage.' Wasn't it?"
"Either you are attempting deceit or else you yourself have no comprehension of your capabilities. Either is a great crime, detection of which is the point of the annual mage fee."
"Your Majesty . . . isn't the point to strengthen the kingdom?"
"Any policy possessing fewer than three sharp points such as a mighty trident has is unworthy of its proclamation. Now forget you heard that, for it is a lesson for rulers, irrelevant to the mage's lessons you have neglected."
Then began deep, assiduous study on the part of the mage overseen personally by the king or, when that august figure was busy, a strangely rare circumstance, the royal executioner. The next year, fifth-rank mage Hufden submitted a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to learn one secret of the swamps each month. He went on to destroy six armies on the plains of Yezniss, reduce a dragon to draconic extract, raise the Ninefold Bastion, and in general justify the assessment of the king, who knew little of magic but much of men, suitable priorities for his office.
Finis

Supply Problems

Sphinxes probably didn't reproduce but rather emerged from the footsteps of hero-kings, which is why we don't see any today. Once there are planet kings, the situation will likely reverse.

Depiction Demystification

Is it possible that sphinxes are depicted with human features in order to commemorate both the beasts and their brave riders? No. It's certain. Now what sphinxes really looked like is impossible to tell at this remove of years, but most likely they could fire blasts from their mouths.

Trend Revolution

Sux: Enchanted greaves.
Crux: Sphinx riders.

Undersea Kingdom Categorization.

1. Formerly a land kingdom but just look what happened.
2. Currently operates like land because of magic, divine providence, supertechnology, etc.
3. Sea creatures.

Those are the categories I can think of. Do they cover everything? Watery aliens are three, ghosts and undead are one, the future is two. Atlantis one, Jabberjaw two, Snorks three. Yeah, I think that just about does it, but I'm open to correction.

Addendum

The state of suffering from excessive dark spew will be called spewganza, and the sufferer will be referred to as a spewganzatic.

Humor Crime

Whose fault is it that out of four humors, two of them are bile? Was it a little natural philosophy joke, just some levity between peers? Anyway, from now on black bile is dark spew.

Summary of the Blastopolitan Saga

For his crimes—saying what he thought and living how he liked—he was given a harsh sentence. He was . . .

EXILED TO BLASTOPOLIS

"I still can't believe I was exiled to Blastopolis, but I'm settling in," said Gilliam Axhagen as he potshotted another astro-mutant with his tri-fission blaster. "Say, what's that building over there, the one they're staying away from? It looks abandoned—just the sort of place they usually like. Could that be the location of one of the . . ."

SECRETS OF BLASTOPOLIS

"We've uncovered some of the secrets of Blastopolis." Fred Wendell laid a paternal hand on Gilliam's shoulder. "But we won't be able to understand much more unless you become . . ."

RULER OF BLASTOPOLIS

"Now that there's a true ruler of Blastopolis, we can hope for some order," said Fender Bivins as he vaporized one of the last four remaining sludge-trudgers. "But who knows what could be out there, out . . ."

BEYOND BLASTOPOLIS

"It turns out readers don't much care what's beyond Blastopolis." The publisher laid a paternal hand on the writer's shoulder. "We really think it would be better to take things . . ."

BACK TO BLASTOPOLIS
TRIUMPH IN BLASTOPOLIS
WAR IN BLASTOPOLIS
SURVIVORS OF BLASTOPOLIS
EXCURSION BEYOND BLASTOPOLIS
RETURN TO BLASTOPOLIS
GENESIS OF BLASTOPOLIS
CANCELLATION OF BLASTOPOLIS
REVIVAL OF BLASTOPOLIS
Finis

Future Mindset

The people of the future will be unable to understand a world in which we didn't give every computer a little hat and a scarf with your favorite bookmarks printed on it. Come to think of it, I don't understand it myself.

Ancient Mindset

The biggest impediement to understanding ancient peoples is that to the modern eye, somebody riding a chariot looks like a dweeb. When Zeus punished a guy in a chariot, it wasn't for presumption in claiming divinity, but to improve mortal fashion standards.

Born Tragedy

Imagine being born with a last name like Saberhagen and consequently being unable to give one of your characters Saberhagen as a cool name because people will think you're inserting yourself.

Final Proof Regarding the Human Condition

It's often theorized that in the future humanity will abandon itself to virtual entertainment, shunning the real world. I'm looking at Steam charts and I don't think that idea reflects the truth of human inclinations. In particular, the games that keep high player counts often end up with mixed reviews while the best-received trail off. The fact that the real world kinda stinks will ensure people keep coming back to it.
"But what if developers, possibly AI ones, create an even more addictive flawed virtual experience?" That'll work for a time, but eventually they'll patch in some quality of life features that will ruin it. Then people will demand a classic version, and they'll get it, and they'll play it some but quit faster than they did originally, and so on till we're all back in the stadium complaining about the price of hot dogs.

The Last Spoiled Frontier

Now that we know there isn't an ancient city hiding on the moon, where am I supposed to have my bold adventurers go? Wait a minute, did I just write "on the moon?" I just checked, and I did. Sublunarian expeditions await! Until we do that too, at which point I dunno. Maybe something in Montana. Nobody checks anything that's claimed to happen there.

Q&A Corner

Q. When should I use meed and when should I use guerdon?
A. If you're using either, you no longer care what people think.
Q. I have a similar question about raiment and habiliments.
A. I have a similar answer.

The Inscrutable Meed of Valor

After the battle, the great spirit Elgophan addressed Jinios thus: "You, a mortal man, have made an unforgettable exhibition of your might and bravery against these baercaces. I am minded to exchange gifts. Here, I will have that shield, rent to uselessness save as a trophy, and take you this lizard canister."
"A . . . what?" The firmament sent down a single of its jewel-like stars which resolved itself in Jinios's hands as a canister some eight inches long. Its surface had a dull sheen to it. "Oh, a canister, that I suppose contains a lizard possessed of peculiar virtues." "There is no lizard inside it."
"Oh. Can it contain a lizard?"
"Certainly."
"Can it be filled with things other than lizards?"
"It must be so, before the end."
While Jinios examined it the mysterious gift, Elgophan disappeared, and never again did they meet.
Years later, the theft of the Gochish Arract from the despot's vault succeeded as far as the acquisition, but the extraction was another matter. Jinios acted to assist the rash but likable thieves by hiding the Arract on his person, but the thorough guards restricted their examination in no way at all.
"Nothing on this one, but what might he be hiding in here?" The guard held up the canister and shook it.
"Haven't you ever seen a lizard canister? All you're doing is agitating the lizard. And wasting time."
With that, the canister was handed back to Jinios, who, awed at the manifold windings of fate, then recalled the final words of Elgophan.
Finis

Addendum

The smooth maneuver is to label your pages wrong on purpose so that readers (and eventually non-readers) argue over the proper scores, make competing guides/wikis/apps, and generally generate a whole lot of fuss. Every entertainment product needs a little controversy, but don't get despondent thinking it has to be in the text.

The Newest Page Breakthrough

From now on, the numbers on pages will indicate not their order, though you can keep those if you're feeling old-fashioned, but how plot-relevant the page is so readers can skip all the filler. I have gathered from online discussions that pretty much everything is filler, so don't try to fool us by giving every page a 7+.

Monster Popularity

Have slime monsters fallen out of favor now that we're all sure they're somebody's fetish? The question has two parts, the first being whether slimes have fallen out of favor, which itself requires determining how popular they ever were. The point isn't to get an asnwer. It's to start a conversation. Have you ever had someone tell you that, or "I'm just asking questions?" That person is lying to you. He is coming at you with an anti-slime agenda, or maybe a pro-slime agenda, I'm unsure, and you shouldn't fall for it.

Alternative Explanation

Elves are usually described as long-lived, but what if they just all look the same so nobody can tell? And they have a small pool of names. You could get away with a bunch before regular censuses.

Addendum

"A man can be eaten but once, but a pummeling may be profitably multiplied." - an evil wizard deciding whether to give his horrible creations extra heads or arms