The Meed of Use

When men were chosen as judges in the contest, their role being to decide who deserved the laurels of the most useful, the nominated animals did not so much resort to bribery as leap to it. The cows called on their crow friends to find baubles, the chickens arranged with lizards for the secrets of the earth to be brought forth, and as for the pigs, they tricked the others out of many of their offerings by their wiles.
The cicadas, those gossipers, went to the gods to tell them of the shameless cheating, but the gods laughed at it. "Would they be as energetic as they are if they knew! There is no risk of favoritism from judges who will soon eat and skin them all equally, third place to first!"
Horrified, the cicadas tried to warn the world that the projects of the gods are ghoulish amusements not meant for our good. They still do. But none heed them for the annoyance.
Finis

Backup Plan

Audiences are getting wise to having characters claim "there's no time right now" when there obviously is or else time could easily be made later, but it's so convenient. What do we do? Here's the solution: "Questions slithered through my mind like noodles, and as simple as it seemed it must be to grab them, every time I tried the thing slipped out of my fingers." Then if anyone complains you can respond (from an alt account) that clearly not everyone understands psychology, some people just want to be spoonfed, diminished attention span, media literacy, and so on.

A Call to Innovative Action

We've all been sitting here confident we've been doing a good job, but I just found out a new Bleach mobile game is coming. No surer sign of total cultural stagnation could there be. We've gotta make some new stuff stat.

Addendum

Should the separate games be kept to separate decks or mixed together? Asking that is to ask whether one has a coward's heart or one that beats with courage.

The Future of Trading Card Games

A trading card game that's a crossover of all trading card games so that every trading card game is an advertisement for every other trading card game, multiplying the audience of trading card games outrageously.

Scenery Description

Don't think you have to describe everything equally. If you want to describe pens for three pages each, go right ahead. Add some character to your writing. Cut most of it before you publish it of course. Then offer extended pen descriptions as Patreon incentives. That's modern literature.

Joke Corner

Zero Company? More like zero sales! No, that's too obvious. More like bankrupt company! Well, it's better. This is all an exercise which in no way is intended to describe the actual success of the game, which we're sure will do fine.

The Capital Council

Within the fastness of Haug Heikur was a chamber which none but the master may open. In it were kept eight heads of men long dead which by sorcerous means were preserved and compelled to answer questions put to them in full candor.
This is known when little else of what goes on in that dismal citadel is, for its master Affjesarr boasts often of the excellent advice he had always at hand. One day when Affjesarr again vaunted his chamber, the man Pyolurr furthered a reputation he had won for cleverness.
"Had I occasion to assemble a council, I should prefer men who had not suffered so signal a reduction with regard to their persons."
Within the fastness of Haug Heikur is a chamber which none but the master may open. In it are kept nine heads of men long dead.
Finis

Lunar Obsolescence

The traditional solution to the moon's disappearance is to wait a day, but after the court wizard has solved the sun problem, maybe he should build a moon that isn't on the fritz.

Solar Obsolescence

Traditionally the solution to prevent the sun from being extinguished was human sacrifice, but it might be better to launch a new one every ten years or so. Your court wizard can figure out the details, if he wants to keep his position that is.

Secret Club, Open Invitation

To let people know you're cool, include the keyword "ichor" in your story. With confidence. And insouciance.

Addendum

The preceding advice is for readers as well as writers. To extend it, for each author you read, maintain a .txt file full of his favorite words so you can make fun of him for it on the internet.

Writing Tip

Keep a file called "opulence.txt" or similar and write in the names of gemstones, fancy rocks, and various fabrics so you don't have to go looking it up every time you want to describe a fancy palace or, even worse, call it "opulent" and hope nobody makes fun of you for not being fluent in the language of luxurious display.

Speaking of Demon Swords

If those exists, there's probably a census category for them. Gonna want to keep track of that for sure.

Components of a Sword

"Present yourself, boy." Said boy was perhaps too old to be still a boy, but he certainly did not measure up as a man. As a worker either given his saunter, but he presented himself before the moon renewed itself. "Take this to Linten to have it melted down."
The boy gave the blade a squinting examination. "Why? It's shaming nobody as it is."
The armorer regretted saying a single word more than he needed, but it was done, and now his nature rebelled against the impulse to cuff him, which came after all from mere general dislike. Also, his assessment was correct; possibly he could be turned to use. "It is in fine condition considering the dozens of criminals it has slain in the executioner's hands. Close to a hundred overall."
"Oh, it's that? 'A hundred deaths of men and the demon inside the sword awakens.' But that isn't a warning for a normal sword like this, surely. When a master brings forth a special works, then worry."
"How can a sword be forged and not have a demon in it? Take it thither."
The boy looked the blade over again with more respect, more inspiration. "Even this? It seems a shame not to try, if we have one this close. All right, fine, don't strain your hand by raising it. Observe my dispatch."
There are times when an explanation is not better for being fuller. There are people who are not improved for being more informed.
Finis

Addendum

Another 2450 prediction: the best use for AI will still be pretending to be fictional characters for chatting purposes even though the spaghetti-eating videos will be almost perfect.

Future Currency

Money's probably going to need a stat squish someday. According to the workings of my blast-processing-enabled brain, in the year 2450, 10,000 USD will be worth about 30 talents.

The Newest Adventure Starter

People these days think they're too good for sitting in an inn and then an adventure starts. They're wrong insofar as they're not good enough, but either way, we need something that works for everything. The answer is the census takers who get in a mess. Whether somebody's inflating regiment headcounts to skim from the pay, people have been disappearing unreported, or there are more aliens congregating that allowed by the treaty, there's trouble everywhere, every time, for characters of every legal/moral/ethical bent. Don't go thinking the adventure has to do with the census, either. That can just be an excuse to go somewhere and hear about the crashed meteorite.

Trend Banquet

Toast: Indestructible fighting body.
Boast: Census takers who get in a mess.

Addendum

But there's still time for a hero shooter, right? Right?

Empty Bandwagons

It's probably too late to hope for success with a Vampire Survivors-type game, but not a single fantasy book property ended up being the setting for one so far as I know. What's everybody doing out there?

To Rejoin Society

One day, three travelers came to the Abdal Springs, and all for the same reason. The caretaker explained the ways of the place.
"There are three chambers here to contain three springs with these properties. One cleanses the pollution of great crimes, one of moderate crimes, and one of petty crimes. Decide yourself which suits you."
The three went each to his own choice, and the caretaker spoke to each when he emerged.
"You chose the great spring for all that no one else would judge your crime to be so enormous as that. There is evidence of a humble and conscientious understanding, and you will be blessed for it."
"You chose the small spring for your small crime. Your perception is unclouded even regarding yourself, the obscurest subject, and you will be blessed for it."
"You chose the middle spring, proof that your way is to find what is easiest. The spring was free, you heard moderation is commendable, and with that decided there was no need to consult remorse, moral judgment, a sense of social responsibility, or anything else that is hard. Your pollution is washed away, but the cloud which hangs about dullards hangs thick on you. You will be the happiest of all."
Finis

Terrestrial Transition

When the generation/hibernation ship gets to the planet and the colony starts, the captain gets to be mayor, right? But it's a purely symbolic position, right? It would be a shame for him to have nothing just because there isn't anything left for him to do. They can even name the capitol after him and force children to memorize it.

Ruins of the Good Old Lost Age

Your fantasy characters found something which informs the audience this is a post-apocalyptic story! You hack! But what is it? Unearth your random number generator, a technology soon to be lost in the flames, and find out.

1. Television set
2. Gas station
3. Gun
4. Office building
5. Modern doctor's office
6. Gun (futuristic)
7. Library
8. Lincoln Memorial ~~~Bonus chance! Pick twelve countries from an atlas and roll again, then look up twelve landmarks and roll a third time.~~~
9. Amazon warehouse
10. Tank
11. Scuba gear
12. Fancy modern bow

The twelfth would be the most impressive to your characters, but that doesn't mean they should get it. Life's funny that way.

Addendum

We'll reuse the cover as well aside from adding the name of the expansion to it. "So what?" I heard that! Certainly covers today are disposable and mostly ugly, but knowing that we'll be getting more out of them, we'll invest more. We might even go so far as to make it look like something in the book, though quite frankly that's liable to decrease sales.

Sequels Take Too Long

We all know examples. I'll pass over them and get straight to the solution: Expansion packs. Why should a sequel be as long as the original? Or be written by the same author? And not come with a balance patch? To ask is to realize we've been caught up in foolish convention this entire time.

Addendum

Obviously the surface will be coated with glue so the aliens get stuck when they land, but much also will be written of the Mousetraps of Mars.

The Ultimate Fate of Mars

Sorry Mars, but we're going to have to turn you into a fake Earth so that aliens will attack that one instead. I'm sure you understand.

An Unconventional Form of Direct Subsidy

When every other method failed, the lonely subject of Huthany had recourse to the professional matchmaker. One suffering heart had a recommendation from no less a personage than Commodore Frangest. "Uncle Teddy's the one you want to see. New in the field, but has resources beyond most."
This person was not to stubborn to accept advice and therefore took himself to Uncle Teddy's store; the fact that such existed already impressed. A secretary, another surprise, took his name and entered the depths soon to be replaced by Uncle Teddy himself holding a sheaf of papers, a sight which astonished for several reasons.
"I see you completed militia service and are adequately tall. Excellent. I'll put you with someone nice and tall forthwith."
"May I ask a question?"
"Certainly."
"Aren't you, I hope this doesn't sound absurd, the king?"
"We are Theodoric IV, correct. Now I expect a pregnancy reported within eight months or else there will be additional fee for wasting our time."
"Your Majesty, why, I beg upon your mercy leave to ask a second question, why are you working as a matchmaker?"
"You noticed everyone's height in the militia of course. Nothing is more strategically important. Two inches taller at the minimum, three inches at the average, and no army on the continent will match ours," the king explained. "We are not unreasonable however. No penalty fee applies should your children fail to measure up. If, on the contrary, you produce acceptable army candidates, you will receive a bounty per head. It's amazing we can stay in business, but you'd be a fool not to take advantage."
"I do see that, Your Majesty."
Finis

Addendum

If it's a magical talking mace, give each flange a different personality. Perhaps they're former wielders, the sages who gave their lives to infuse it with power, or the villains it was created to vanquish.

How to Make Maces Cool

Concentrate on the flanges. Interchangeable flanges for different kinds of creatures, legendary flanges which require a quest to collect, oversized flanges that scream and drip blood. The principle is the same as that behind a baseball bat with nails in it.