Ruins of the Good Old Lost Age

Your fantasy characters found something which informs the audience this is a post-apocalyptic story! You hack! But what is it? Unearth your random number generator, a technology soon to be lost in the flames, and find out.

1. Television set
2. Gas station
3. Gun
4. Office building
5. Modern doctor's office
6. Gun (futuristic)
7. Library
8. Lincoln Memorial ~~~Bonus chance! Pick twelve countries from an atlas and roll again, then look up twelve landmarks and roll a third time.~~~
9. Amazon warehouse
10. Tank
11. Scuba gear
12. Fancy modern bow

The twelfth would be the most impressive to your characters, but that doesn't mean they should get it. Life's funny that way.

Social Events?

I've never attended one myself, but sometimes your characters might have to. Should such a dreadful eventuality arise, please consult the following table, your favorite chance-reflection implement at hand.

1. Wedding
2. Funeral
3. Baptism (local equivalent thereof)
4. Knighting
5. Measured observance of the outcome of a recent sporting event
6. Mass clemency offer on the ascension of a new ruler
7. THE GATHERING
8. Birth
9. A priest is gonna resurrect somebody? Don't see that every day!
10. Ritual bathing in the pool of the slain god to absorb powers (very likely the main character won't get any but then later it turns out he has the best one or can steal others or excels with wits or hard work, which is to say everyone else is incapable of figuring out how to open a door)
11. Important businessman's retirement
12. The sword dance (few survive the sword dance)

To determine who else will be attending the event, how about you come up with something on your own for a change? Sheesh.

Addendum

A few of those entries will need to be altered in certain settings. For instance, in a far-future interplanetary milieu, the judge may have invented the space piano.

Types of Circuit Judges

Seize upon your favorite randomization method and challenge fate!

1. Stern
2. Amused
3. Lax
4. Mage
5. Priest
6. Dragon
7. Secretly looking for something
8. Philanderer
9. The king in disguise
10. One of five mighty guardians animated by the country's founder
11. Impostor (conman)
12. Vampire
13. Forbidden to enter capital on the grounds of worrying popularity
14. Sports lover
15. Impostor (comrade on expedition fulfilling his dying friend's request to take his place rather than let that scoundrel have it)
16. impostor (supernatural being)
17. Tourist who resents all these cases that keep spoiling his travels
18. Rumored strongest swordsman
19. Collector
20. Inventor of the piano

Come to think of it, first generate a number to decide how many of these to use. They aren't mutually exclusive. Before that, in order to determine whether to include a circuit judge at all, consult the random official table, which does not exist. Here at least.

The Varieties of Maids

1. Clumsy
2. Hyper-competent
3. Gossipy
4. Found the body
5. Loyal
6. Saucy
7. Tyrannical
8. Naive
9. Not actually a maid
10. Flirty
11. Intelligent talking animal
12. Gambling tipster
13. Assassin
14. Unscrupulous
15. Wise in herbal remedies
16. Believes in ghosts
17. Mad scientist
18. Artificial
19. High-level
20. Engaged

Now get out your randomization method of choice. But wait! The discerning reader has already noticed most of these are mutually compatible, while the especially discerning knows all of them are, the first two most of all. Therefore randomize yourself how many traits to assign. I recommend no more than three, duplicates allowed.

Ranking of Weapons Appropriate for Your Fantasy Main Character

1. Sword
2. Bow
3. Comically Large Hammer
4. Dagger
5. Polearm
6. Ax
7. Razor-Sharp Hoop
8. Normally Sized Hammer
9. Whip
10. Spear

Secret twist ending: Now roll for which one your character gets.

Villainous Motivation Table

You've designed a compelling cast of central characters and arranged the setting elements impeccably. You hired an artist to put your villain on the posters as well. But what's this? You forgot to figure out why the villain is so bent on doing what he oughtn't, and the clock is ticking! What can be done? Grab a random number generator and let the internet tell you what to do, of course.

1. Power!
2. The prophecy will be realized by those with the will to see it through.
3. Take credit for my design, will you?
4. On that day, the flames were so beautiful . . .
5. The title, the estate, the revenues. All are mine by right.
6. The secrets of that planet are too much for lesser minds.
7. As long as I make good on these contracts, what does it matter how I do it?
8. Loyalty is a burden when the master doesn't understand what must be done.
9. Wow! A hundred bucks!
10. Lightning powers, in the end, look the coolest.
11. What more may be done with such a device, and would it not be wrong to stop now without ever learning?
12. There's a big space in my trophy cabinet.

Now all that's left is to question your own motivations. If you want. I don't think it's going to get you anywhere.

Semi-Important Location Table

You know where your hero starts the story (a farm) and where the final battle happens (moonbase), but oh no! You need a location for the hero to meet an informant or some junk like that. It doesn't matter enough for you to think about, so delegate that task to your favorite luck-based number selector and this handy list.

1. Upscale department store with employees who wear uniforms
2. Library
3. House of someone known to be out of town
4. The Crucible
5. Evening ferry
6. Vocaloid concert
7. Ferris wheel
8. Behind the kiln
9. Laundromat
10. Party celebrating noble's elevation to position of High Admiral
11. Executive washroom
12. Dream world

Hobby and Interest Table

Your characters probably care about things other than adventure and subverting expectations, but you don't. What can you do besides prepare some sort of random number-generating device and entrust yourself to fortune?

1. Puppet shows
2. Swimming
3. Natural philosophy
4. Pinball
5. Tickling
6. Folk dancing
7. Tragedy
8. Horse racing
9. Jigsaw puzzles
10. Watching people sleep
11. Falconry
12. Calligraphy

Addendum

It doesn't have to be Christmas of course, but it does have to be a holiday of some kind.

Important Location Table

You've come up with some arbitrary item of plot convenience like the best writers do, but oh no! You forgot you had to put it somewhere! That's no problem. Run to your favorite chance-dependent selection mechanism and prepare to have the work done for you.

1 Ruined temple
2 Evil knight's castle
3 Bank vault
4 The moon
5 Lakebed
6 Collection belonging to wealthy widow
7 Astral plane
8 Ghost ship
9 Fortuneteller's tent
10 The future
11 Giant's stomach
12 Child's Christmas stocking

This adventure is really heating up! What will our heroes do? What can they do?

Random Filler Table

Uh oh! You wrote a novel and forgot all the filler! How can you get up to 700,000 words that way? Don't worry, that's why erasers have pencils. Simply use the ideas from this list to start off your filler sections. Optionally, use a random number generator to determine the order, but you have to use all of them.

1 Feast description
2 A letter from home
3 A maid's perspective
4 Training montage
5 Town where something seems off (they're all in a cult)
6 Magic school!
7 Sea voyage
8 Dreams
9 Romeo and Juliet side plot
10 something something humans destroy nature how sad
11 My wallet/purse/bag was stolen!
12 Mansion where something seems off (vampires)

If you're writing book 2 or later of a series, feel free to make one of these ideas the entire plot.

Addendum

The Initial Villain Table doubles as a Protagonist Table in a pinch if the electorate starts getting on your case about recycling.

Starting Your Novel

Writing a novel can be an intimidating prospect, so here is a tool that will help you start on the right foot: The Initial Minor Villain Table. How do you get some sizzling conflict cooking from the very first page? With an initial villain, of course! The nature of your initial villain will determine much else about the setting and starting condition of your main character, simplifying the writing process greatly. If that sounds good, and I'm sure it does, grab your favorite random number generator and get ready to roll!

1 Barbarian warlord
2 Mean teacher
3 Slave overseer
4 Arrogant young master
5 Bad boy vampire
6 Father
7 Hooded figure
8 Megacorporation security chief
9 Rival athlete
10 Lieutenant questioning his orders
11 Thief
12 Clumsy maid

Now you're on your way, Mr. President!