Declaration of Science Fiction Principles

1. "Wormhole" is a terrible term.
2. Spaceships! Woohoo!

The Best Foundation for Science Fiction

Just take fantasy and put it all in space. Games Workshop did it. Why hasn't everybody tried that? The worst that can happen is a failure on the level of any other.

The True Difference Between Fantasy and Science Fiction

People suffer from a curse in the former, while in the latter, populations exhibit a syndrome. Am I saying it's just the number of syllables? Yes I am.

Secrets of the Star Master

Rarely was a cargo transfer performed with such jollity. Even considering the extensive use of robotic assistance, the habit of the laborer is complaint. The special consideration which delighted those workers who were facilitating a transfer from the great drone freighter, half a mile long, to their own fleet was that none of those goods belonged to them according to any laws contemplated by an orderly government.
Greater than their good humor at the prospect of the customary piratical division of plunder was their dismay and confusion when their flagship abruptly disengaged, sending many tumbling through space, though not to an irretrievable distance. The consternation extended to the ship's bridge where entrepreneurs unaccustomed to deference demanded an explanation for the captain's intemperate behavior.
His explanation satisfied. "Our guys came through with a warning. The Star Master is already past the outer peepers."
The only objection to that dealt with referring to a person as "the" anything, and that was muttered so as to be heard by nobody but an adjacent officer who replied he had always believed the Star Master to be the ship, not the captain. Soon even the quietest speech died that was not relevant to ship operations.
After the missile exchanges, the electronic rakings and counter-sweeps, and the insulting impacts of DeMarten pellets which did more in alerting the recipients about the failures of their defenses than in damage, the pirates yielded to the notorious pirate hunter. Reduced to suffering from gratitude to their attacker for allowing them to live, the conquered struggled to preserve a pellet of pride by gaining information, trivial as it was.
"So which is Star Master? The ship or the man?"
The grand figure beyond the screen did not hesitate to answer. "It's no wonder you lost, if you think a distinction exists!"
Finis

Draconic Lifecycle

I know we've all considered the possibility that planets are dragon eggs waiting to hatch and wondered what will happen to us when the time comes, but have you considered that these eggs might not have been fertilized yet? What's that going to be like? That's why I support migration beyond the planet as soon as it can be effected.

Visions of Future Anarchy

The first cruel robber asked travelers for the time. When they looked at their watches, he grabbed their feet and swung them against a tree. Knowing that, the hero approached him.
"Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is?"
"No, but you can look at my watch. I wear it around my ankle."
"Eh?"
Pow! The hero kicked the bandit against the tree and killed him.
The second cruel robber invited travelers to rest in a cottage. When polite visitors removed their shoes and stepped inside, the treacherous floor dropped them into a boiling cauldron. Knowing that, the hero approached him.
"Excuse me, sir. You look like someone who needs a break."
"Thank you. I'll just take off my boots."
"Eh?"
Entranced by the valuable watch, studded with gems but nevertheless tasteful, the robber failed to resist in time and was thrown into his own trap. Splash!
The third cruel robber gave travelers a remote control and suggested they watch their favorite program on his gigantic television set. Too bad for them, the remote was a bomb. Knowing that, the hero approached him.
"Excuse me, sir. Why not sit down on this couch and watch your favorite program?"
"It isn't on yet. Here, check this watch."
"And a fine watch that is. I bet it could bring . . . eh?"
Smash! The hero brought the TV down on the robber's head. With that, the road was safe at last.
Finis

Addendum

We won't be able to ask them to rate poets, though. Any intelligent species capable of navigating the well-starred plain will have long since ditched poetry.

Reasons to Strive for Peaceful Relations With Aliens

1. Lack of annihilation
2. Technology exchange
3. Alliance against meaner aliens
4. Asking them which decade has the best music
5. Trade
6. Collaborative planetary development

Neglected Repairs

It was a five-camera job: Two for dynamic footage of the howling protesters kept outside by barriers and bored security personnel, two on the site (ground-level and aerial), and the last for the interview itself.
"Surely we aren't to believe there isn't something disgraceful about having this place reduced to a single purchase?"
"I can't say what you are or aren't, but I think it's amazing that we've reached the point in human prosperity where someone like me can buy all of Great Britain. With all the space stations and the extraterrestrial colonies and the virtual realms, I don't think of this island as reduced at all. We've all gotten big because of technological progress, we're more prosperous than ever, and I'm going to fix this place up the way bureaucrats never got around to doing. Starting right here."
As he gestured, the segment producer switched to one of the site drones in case anyone missed the connection. Perhaps someone who started watching late.
"Yes, about that. What do you have to say to the people who insist, with tradition behind them I might add, to say nothing of sensibility and delicacy, that this place does not in fact need to be 'fixed?' That it is in further fact an outrage, what you're proposing to do here today?"
"I'm not proposing, I'm doing. That's number one. Number two is, look at it, of course it's broke. Ready over there? All right, start."
At the owner of Great Britain's command, great machines began to lay precision-cut stones so as to perfect the composition of Stonehenge, heedless of the protesters who managed against expected human capacity to shout even louder. When they finished, less than an hour later, thunder boomed on that cloudless day, and in the center of the great menhirs, a fog arose from the ground that reached to the sky. From it a man emerged, clad in robes and wisdom, who strode forward to deliver this address.
"Because of your actions flow again the powers of magic, charms, and sorcery long denied to man but never forgotten. Well done. Of my disciples in this generation, you shall be the first and greatest."
"Well I'm glad to hear it," Great Britain's owner said.
Finis

Addendum

And the upper crust will live outside the main superstructure too so it's harder to visit them, they get better views, and their debauchery is harder to interrupt? Unbelievable. The future really is something.

Ship Trip

In the future, when people are living on huge spaceships making circuits among all the galaxy's best places, do you think they'll hold the races inside or on the outside? What's that you say? On a track away from the hull but still attached to it so it's easier to see by the picnickers sitting on the hull? You're no ordinary speculator.

Forget YA, It's Time for Junior Versions

With the power of AI, we can easily have cyber-scholiasts produce commentary for our fantasy and science fiction so that never again will a reader have to struggle with subtext. The only question is whether the AI commentary should be more or less expensive. On the one hand, it's an extra feature. On the other hand, the unadorned versions will now be premium items which make the reader feel smarter, an eight-dollar value at least.

Addendum

Specifically, all intellectual property will be protected for twelve years except for Pac-Man, which is protected in perpuity and the penalty for infringement is exile from the solar system. Twelve years is a highly scientific number which reminds us of clocks, which are ticking as we wait for a space monster.

The Biggest Potential Disaster

What happens when most of us have moved to an array of space colonies spread throughout the solar system and then a big space monster comes through and chomps us all up like Pac-Man? The only solution I can see is to have Bandai Namco sue the menace, and for that to happen we might have to change our intellectual property laws.

Progress and the Losses Incurred Thereby

Lights came on to illuminate the stage opposite the speaker. On it stood a bewildered horse, an distracted turkey, a stoic mule, and a guinea pig in a cage.
"There are the guests of honor folks, but what's this? Party crashers?"
While the crowd laughed, another of each species came out (the guinea pig had to be wheeled by an assistant). The animals were of course kept separate to prevent incidents.
"There they are, and don't they all look lovely? Just like the real thing. In fact, they are real! The cloning process is as good as it's going to get and cheap too. That means, heh, we don't need to keep these fellows around! Get your bibs on!"
Thus began the feast to commemorate the first four species people decided to get rid of on purpose, not that there were many more, for few species are so easy to replace and to cook both.
Finis

Timing Your Release

Donkey Kong Bananza is almost out. Have you completed you banana fantasy story yet? Or was it bananapunk or a banana opera? I don't know what any of those things are, which is why I'm not rich.

Speaking of TCGs

If nerds like cards so much, why aren't books printed on cards? That way, putting them together in the right order is a fun puzzle, plus you can charge them a thousand times for a short novel.

Addendum

Maybe they have such integrity that they refuse to find terrestrial substitutes for ingredients which will be discovered only in the distant future.

The Missing Element in Science Fiction

There must be one somewhere, but I've never read any science fiction that Redwall's it up with lengthy feast descriptions. Don't these authors want to sell cookbooks?

Addendum

That aside, the future will almost certainly have either trains or the apocalypse. Possibly both.