Movie News

Here's the latest! Movies that aren't horror are still coming out, but they probably shouldn't! That's all! Forever!

Addendum

"It must have been a stylistic choice to make the sports scenes in these movies this slow-paced" - sports fans of the future
"In Rookie of the Year we see the beginning of athletics as we understand them." - movie critic of the future
"Why are Jedi Knights so bad at jumping?" - people of the future

Addendum

The ideal fantasy plot: A guy gets into 3-5 fights. He loses either the first or second.

Fantasy Struggles

Is the hardest part of writing fantasy pretending that dancing is cool? Or is it paring down your ideas to match the complexity of those employed by the multimillionaires of KISS? Probably the dancing. Most of us, if we're honest, will admit that The Elder sounded a little too complicated.

The Backwards Literary industry

Not before publishers get with it and add chapters for a book's tenth anniversary will the written word be able to compete with other media.

It's Time to Start Remaking Books

Movies are remade all the time. You might think that has something to do with the medium, but way back when, everybody wrote his own version of the Argo's travels or King Arthur's rise and fall. What changed? Nothing that can't be changed back, especially when we revise those darn intellectual property laws in the interests of mankind's survival.

Ephemeral Technology

Isn't it strange that television, a younger medium than movies or radio, to say nothing of literature, is almost dead already? It had close to a single human lifespan. Who would have predicted that in the 60s without saying something about holograms? Those don't seem as popular as they used to be.

The New Way to Adapt Fantasy to Film

Make it black and white and so dark that nobody can't see nothing. It will look so arty that nobody will dare complain.

Modern Etiquette

How long is it appropriate to wait before putting up the internet video about how the Borderlands movie was underappreciated in its day? I already have the script written.

How Rifts Can Succeed as a Movie Franchise

I'm surprised it isn't already. Somebody call a rich guy and make it happen.

How Dungeons & Dragons Can Succeed as a Movie Franchise

Release separate Dungeons movies and Dragons movies. Everyone will see the dragon one and then rent the dungeon one to get the whole story.

Addendum

Maybe the new Dune movie has been out for some time now, but I wanted to talk about the future. What year sounds futuristic? I'm not sure I can accept anything before 3000. Maybe 2800 would do it, though that has an Atari kind of ring that diminishes it. 2940 might be the earliest future year.

Dune: Double Indemnity Is Out

So when do we reboot Dune with a bold new vision? 2031? Man, that still reads like a future year. I blame Phantom 2040.

Addender

At least True Stories is real, but it always was. Who here has seen True Stories? I like True Stories.

Addendum

We're also way past due for Fist of the North Star to happen. Art just doesn't matter.

The Societal Implications of Art and Literature

Now that everybody's a big Dune-head, when are we going to legalize family atomics? Never? Sometimes I wonder if there's any point to all this.

Survivor Bias in Adaptations

Look around at poor adaptations, regardless of which medium to which other medium, and you'll see they have one factor in common: They're all based on stuff that came out. That's what holds adaptations back. Adapt something that got cancelled if you want to produce something with real imagination.

How to Get Fantasy Movies in the Theaters

All-animal casts. Sure, you lose something as far as dialogue, but when that husky swears the third oath or whatever, nobody in the audience will be silent.

Q&A Corner

Q. Why don't more main characters have wings?
A. Cowardice.
Q. How about gills?
A. Waterworld.
Q. And antennae?
A. Antennae are failed horns.

Further Speculation in the Technology of LIterature

Books will never catch up with movies until we can have the cast dance at the end. Unfortunately, it seems our most promising minds have given up.