Addendum

As for the other myths, the internet has made their meaning obvious. For thousands of years people wondered about the symbolic significance of, for instance, Cronos and his devouring of his children. Turns out it's just fetish stuff. All of it. We just didn't know people existed who liked that kind of thing.

Mythological Interpretation

Certain myths have the obvious purpose of explaining why a place or thing has the name it does. The Hellespont, for example. However!!?!?!! If that's the case, why do so many names not have myths appended? Do we just not have them? Were the sources of most names widely known or obvious similar to the approximately 5,000 places called Newcastle after translation? The likeliest cause is that the Hellespont was actually named after or at least by somebody a persuasive mythographer didn't like and wanted to erase. The second-likeliest is that mankind came here from another world and carried over most names from there but needed a few new ones. Third-likeliest is that all such myths, when put together and interpreted, tell us where the treasure is, and that's the one on which I'm banking.

Against the Four Gates

King Ploutimos gathered up riches from his various conquests and stored them in his citadel at Hosses. He made no secret about it but rather boasted.
"And he who can win entrance can have the whole of it, but it will be too hard for any of you. For the wall has four gates through it. The northern is of iron and is guarded by Kyromedes whose helmet blunts every weapon. At the southern which is of bronze I have set Proimenos whose boots impart such deftness of movement that the ignorant swear he can fly. The west, which is silver, has at it the wielder of the dagger which when sheathed becomes coated in a poison that afflicts every man and monster equally, who is Phaimander. The golden gate to the east is defended by Archeuros, and to speak of him and his spear is useless, because none will challenge him."
The bold and the desperate made attempts on this gate or that, and many were the deaths and shameful retreats that resulted till Telephas son of Diophas came and laid Kyromedes low. He did not enter the citadel then but instead took the helmet and wore it against Phaimander, whose dagger then slew Archeuros, whose spear soon impaled Proimenos.
Even then Telephas did not enter but rather left Hosses entirely, saying he had no means to transport wealth where he had need to go, and that others might enjoy it as they wished.
Finis

Olko's Space Saga

It was upon returning from the successful sack of the facility on Proteus that a certain asteroid caught the attention of Olko. "That asteroid there, what fame does it have?"
"None at all, Olko," told him the other rocket barbarians.
"I will give it some by my visit then," he said, veering off, and his fellows laughed behind him and continued on their way.
Olko inspected the surface with a plunder-seeking eye and found a tunnel that was no more natural than peace. Deeper he penetrated into the asteroid and found within a belt troll's home.
"Go on your way," the troll told him. "Go on your way and live a bit longer."
"The rule I took up the moment I left atmosphere," Olko answered, "was to leave with something new in hand and never without."
"You want treasure, but I will give you a new way to follow your rule. You will leave with your teeth in your hand if you are stout, and if you are frail, I will send you on your way with a push, your body that is."
The combat began. The troll was passing strong and his thermal claws tremendous in their might, but Olko had his pile bunker which had pierced rockets in flight and comets on their path. The troll breathed out his life with these words.
"Go then with your treasure. It is below. Take the cursed ship Ringtaker, seize all the plunder you like, and revel in what you will pay for it! Ha!"
"A troll's last prophecy is ever true, but I will not shrink." Olko flew forth from the troll-hangar at the controls of such a ship as must terrorize a hundred moons, and did.
Finis

Starter Town Fair

Hello there! It's a great time to visit, because our town fair begins today. It doesn't have anything to do with gods, heroes, or curses. In reality it's nothing but a big advertisement where we show off the quality of what we're producing this year. Still, we can't help but feel proud of our town when we look back on what we've made and what we've overcome.
Just look at what our gem cutters have done with the items our miners bring out when the mines aren't overrun by monsters, which is most of the year you know. That purity! That shine! That taste in settings! I can see you're entranced, and I don't blame you. I'm gratified by it, and so is everyone else in town.
Over there is the display of what our furriers have designated as their finest pieces yet to be shipped out. They're a local specialty; we get the pelts from the Fierce Wolves adventurers grind all day. You probably passed some on your way into town. Remember, no kill-stealing!
Has your eye been taken by that bronze of the twin gods of medicine and poison? It isn't a permanent fixture. The item store had it made out of the proceeds from potions and antidotes. Business is booming, isn't it? But not as much as for our favorite (and richest) private citizen, who funded the new town hall. He makes the treasure chests you see in every dungeon.
What's that cage for, you ask? I'm glad you asked. That's one of our most fun town traditions. You see, every year some daring thief tries to make off with, well, just look around! That isn't planned. It's just a consequence of human nature. Then we grab the thief and throw him in there. That's where we've been going this whole time! Enjoy your stay, and if you're lucky, a hero will come by who's willing to give you a second chance. Don't look like that. It happens more often than you'd think, because of the mines.
Finis

The Needs of Court

"Where is my marshal?" the king asked.
"Here, sire."
"Why aren't you fighting? You are dismissed. Where is my treasurer?"
"Here, sire."
"I see no treasure. You are dismissed. Where is my master of revels?"
"Here, sire."
"There is not the slightest sound of revelry in my palace. You are dismissed. Where is my master of mischief?"
"Here, sire."
"I have encountered no . . . wait, where are you?"
"Actually, sire, I am here. I hired a page to say 'here, sire' for me."
"Outstanding! You are now a duke. Where is my chamberlain?"
"Here, sire."
"I don't know what a chamberlain does. Find out."
Thus the chamberlain set forth, but nobody knew what he was supposed to be doing. They say on the night of the full moon you can sometimes hear him asking what his job is.
Finis

Sprucing Up Your Script

Out: Rosebud is a sled
In: Rosebud opens treasure chests

More Fire Emblem Trivia

Did you know that in the original game, the titular fire emblem is a skeleton key? Of course you do. Everyone knows that. It's still funny, though.

A Plausible Threat

"My parrot takes care of the gentlemanly stuff while I slit throats," the pirate captain with the sophisticated parrot told them. "Now tell me where the treasure is."

A Question for the Audience

What if the passing of years is actually an inconceivable entity slowly trying a bunch of numbers in a combination lock? If so, it probably won't open that sucker for some time, but maybe 2023's the year. I'm just saying, don't make any plans that don't include the reveal of the contents of the vault behind the solar system.

What Should The Prize Be?

The best weapon that you can't use because you already beat the hardest boss, of course.

Some Notes on the Kurtis Event

Meanwhile, Disgaea RPG's storytelling is immaculate.

I Forgot One

Bribery! Just huge piles of cash. That can solve most problems. Sometimes you need to get a little more specific and get somebody moved up on the organ list or something. But how do you get the money? Violence or mind control, probably.