Time Grime

The first wizards who figure out long-distance communication time differences are going to be thrown for a loop. They're going to end up working up huge tables full of wizard towers with times listed till some genius figures out a system. That system will probably not be time zones, but if they are, they'll be named after gods or guardian beasts or something.

True Names

Most likely they're Mr. Human, Mr. Bee, Mr. Hedgehog, and so on. Wizards just obscure everything to keep their place at the top.

A Matter of Maturity

The promising child studies bunny magic, the apprentice rabbit magic, and the master bunny magic.

Addendum

A few of those entries will need to be altered in certain settings. For instance, in a far-future interplanetary milieu, the judge may have invented the space piano.

Types of Circuit Judges

Seize upon your favorite randomization method and challenge fate!

1. Stern
2. Amused
3. Lax
4. Mage
5. Priest
6. Dragon
7. Secretly looking for something
8. Philanderer
9. The king in disguise
10. One of five mighty guardians animated by the country's founder
11. Impostor (conman)
12. Vampire
13. Forbidden to enter capital on the grounds of worrying popularity
14. Sports lover
15. Impostor (comrade on expedition fulfilling his dying friend's request to take his place rather than let that scoundrel have it)
16. impostor (supernatural being)
17. Tourist who resents all these cases that keep spoiling his travels
18. Rumored strongest swordsman
19. Collector
20. Inventor of the piano

Come to think of it, first generate a number to decide how many of these to use. They aren't mutually exclusive. Before that, in order to determine whether to include a circuit judge at all, consult the random official table, which does not exist. Here at least.

Paying the Mage Fee

Obeying the long-standing decree, every mage recognized by the realm save those currently abroad presented himself at the palace to enrich the treasury by one magical item. Fifth-rank mage Hufden handed over a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to receive an aura discouraging to flies for five hours, after which he returned returning home.
The next morning, he awoke to find the single chair near his bed occupied by a person who happened to be the king.
"Fifth-rank mage Hufden, what was that?"
"Well, Your Majesty, as commanded, an item 'proportional in power to the skill of the producing mage.' Wasn't it?"
"Either you are attempting deceit or else you yourself have no comprehension of your capabilities. Either is a great crime, detection of which is the point of the annual mage fee."
"Your Majesty . . . isn't the point to strengthen the kingdom?"
"Any policy possessing fewer than three sharp points such as a mighty trident has is unworthy of its proclamation. Now forget you heard that, for it is a lesson for rulers, irrelevant to the mage's lessons you have neglected."
Then began deep, assiduous study on the part of the mage overseen personally by the king or, when that august figure was busy, a strangely rare circumstance, the royal executioner. The next year, fifth-rank mage Hufden submitted a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to learn one secret of the swamps each month. He went on to destroy six armies on the plains of Yezniss, reduce a dragon to draconic extract, raise the Ninefold Bastion, and in general justify the assessment of the king, who knew little of magic but much of men, suitable priorities for his office.
Finis

Addendum

"A man can be eaten but once, but a pummeling may be profitably multiplied." - an evil wizard deciding whether to give his horrible creations extra heads or arms

Battle Statue War Record

Year 1
"I have succeeded in animating a statue capable of replicating any human action while being tireless and hardy beyond flesh. Soon legions of battle statues will humble my neighboring wizard-kings, just so soon as I produce a sufficient force."

Year 3
"The quarrying is going well. My menial statues are superior to human workers when properly supervised. Of course I must hire competent supervisors, but money is easily at hand; a portion of the yield can be sold abroad."

Year 7
"By now, half the carriage drivers in the region are my statues, except in those city-states which prohibit them. Don't they know battle statues and the menial type are completely different? But then, how could they? Only I know the secret. Unfortunately, current designs lack the delicacy required for fruit-picking, but the stevedores are coming along excellently."

Year 28
"For now I have delegated governance and research in favor of training new sculptors, though I am unsure I will resume those pursuits afterward. My current interests lean more toward selecting personnel for the proposed branch offices and ensuring the materials for my new mansion justify the asserted prices. Lately I have had a feeling of neglecting some plan, but it would be more surprising if such were not the case. My conceptions are endless, and despite how the payroll has grown, I have never been busier. I can barely find time to add to this journal, let alone read it. Perhaps I should hire someone, but anyone competent is needed for a dozen roles of greater importance."
Finis

Intervention of the Dungeon Sage

Calamity! There was no other word for it outside of synonyms. Dozens of miners were trapped below, and worse than that, the mine might not resume operations for years. Owners and managers could do nothing but stand apart and compete in frowning.
"Pardon me." Normally people gawked without introducing themselves, but one look at this man precluded any idea he could be normal. "I came to investigate the new dungeon. Is that it over there?"
"Dungeon Sage Hesperno!"
"I suppose a mine could be used as a dungeon . . ."
"Please use your magic to make a stable new opening! And save the miners if it's convenient. Don't forget the opening, please!"
"If they're on the way. So that is the new dungeon?" Receiving confirmation, the sage advanced and, using proprietary techniques, descended. Within the day awed miners began emerging. Not more than a week later, Hesperno came out, wiped his hands, and sought the nearest owner.
"I've cleared everything out. Thank you for the nice dungeon. I liked the sorcerer-slug that was sinking curses into all the ore. It was different."
"The what?"
"It was a little exotic but not self-indulgent. Goodbye. I'll come back after you've expanded it some."
And so it transpired.
Finis

Official Positions

When a fantasy country has an official archmage, lord high wizard, conjurer supreme, archon thaumaturge, etc., what are the chances he's actually good at it, and what are the chances he's the best? That's what you have to consider. The default is probably that his skills are decent but not extraordinary whereas his ancestors were extraordinary but far from decent.

The Heart's Inquiry

Deep in the valley, just before the ruin whose builders had not waited for history to begin before they retired, the man at last found the sage.
"I praise the sacred mountain and all its denizens by whose power alone I succeeded," the pious man made sure to say before he addressed the sage. "I have come to ask my one question according to the law."
"No," the sage said without a glance at the petitioner.
"I have," the man insisted. "How may the looming disaster be averted? That is my question."
"No. That is the world's question. I am not bound to answer that. Only your own."
"Oh." The man thought to argue, but he knew what the sage said to be true. Defeated, he asked this. "Who is responsible for bees? They're odd in every way, from how they look to where they keep the honey, saying nothing about why they make it in the first place."
The sage transfixed the man with an intense gaze. "It was the wizards of Gitki Parst who, foreseeing their prowess would never be greater, commenced a grand project to create the incomparable device, the Pur Konva Karm. Such was the power of their enchantments that all around was warped so that bees are far different from what they were then, and much else too. The bee of today has no reason to it but only chance. To learn more of the wondrous capacities of Pur Konva Karm, seek it in Imvada's mausoleum. For it to overcome a calamity is nothing unthinkable."
The man was later regarded as a hero by all the world and as a wealthy seller of honey beside, for both the Pur Konva Karm and its power of affecting bees for the better he returned to mankind's store.
Finis

Addendum

Deciduous tree monsters look like warriors in summer and wizards in winter, but they're actually rogues. They're just limited in their opportunities.

Addendum

The secret is that I just wanted to roll out "thaumatocracy."

Against Thaumatocracy

Given that being capable of magic is better than being incapable, what are some reasons mages might not be in charge?

- There aren't enough of them
-- It requires innate talent which few have
-- It takes too long to learn
-- They keep dying
-- Numbers are limited by the need for some external resource. For example a mage has to bathe in dragon's blood or make a contract with a manticore
- There are too many of them. Being a mage isn't a big deal, and hiring some is less of one.
- Magic isn't that good
- The kinds of people who learn magic are bad at maintaining political power
-- They're too busy with magical studies
-- Magic is linked to certain characteristics such as lack of ambition or gullibility
-- Magic alters mages, for example removing the need for food and replacing it with an insatiable urge to visit places of power
-- Magical expenditure requires long periods of isolation or hibernation
- The kinds of people who learn magic don't want to maintain political power
-- Magical talent isn't hereditary. Ensuring your family will be passed over for some genius discovered in a village is distasteful.
- The kinds of people who learn magic can't maintain political power
-- The gods who give them power forbid it
-- The terms of their contracts forbid it
-- The dragons who rule the world forbid it, and they do check regularly
-- Magic circulates through the bonds between people, so that the more subordinates one has, the more his magic is divided among them - The rulers are capable of preventing it
-- They aren't mages, but they have magic
--- Divine sanction
--- The approval of the land itself
--- Contracts with manticores
--- A store of artifacts
--- Hereditary talents
--- They're the source of magic
-- They're above magic
--- Gods rule directly
--- Dragons/manticores/basilisks etc. rule directly
--- Aliens rule directly (they came to research magic)

There are a few reasons. As for how mages might become an oppressed minority, they can't, cut that out, your allegory stinks.

Addendum

I'm not saying wizards aren't real, but if I can pretend to raise a dog, reality is demonstrably no bar.

The Age of Videogames Is Ended

Now that we know what the next generation's prices are going to be, people will finally realize that instead of paying $500 to pretend to race, they should spend $20 to pretend wizards are real. Let's just hope they never find out they can pay $0 to read a history of Cuba written in 1920.

Some Science Fiction to Fantasy Conversions

Ship -> Spaceship
Deadly forest -> Asteroid belt
Dragon -> Evil corporation
Cleric -> Clerk
Magic sword -> Prototype
Intelligent talking familiar -> Robot buddy
Wizard -> Space wizard

Inexhaustible Virtue and Its Rewards

Once, a man bent over with age dragged himself by his stick from house to house, begging for shelter for the night. Everyone rejected his plea. "We don't have room for you," they said, or, "You smell weird," or, "What are you talking about? You're that wizard who lives in the tower out that way." No matter how many times he told them he wasn't, they still turned him away.
In the end he came to the house of a humble sign painter who gave him a space on the floor and half his supper, which was "too much for me anyway." The next day, when the old man made to leave, he straightened and summoned his customary attire emblazoned with arcane symbols.
"Humble sign painter! I am in fact the wizard who lives in that tower over there! Because you are the only hospitable man in this town, I leave you this gift. It is a bow with the wondrous quality that it supplies its own arrows. Behold."
The sign painter watched the wizard stretch the string whereupon an arrow appeared, already nocked. "Amazing! But I only have one arm. I cannot draw it."
"So what? It's not as if you would have gotten any use out of it anyway. What did you think I wanted you to do, shoot paint arrows? Sell this as a novelty to a rich collector of curiosities, you dunderhead. 'I cannot draw it.' Come on."
And the sign painter did just that. The money enabled him to retire, though he did not. He liked the work.
Finis

Addendum

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who think "wizard" is a dumb word and those who haven't thought about it.

Don't Get Left Behind

OUT: Wizard
ALL ABOUT: Magic-haver