If You're Looking for Sword Names

That Saxo Grammaticus fellow names about five thousand swords in his factual and accurate Danish history, stuff so obscure only Shin Megami Tensei games have cottoned to them.

Addendum

I'm not saying wizards aren't real, but if I can pretend to raise a dog, reality is demonstrably no bar.

The Age of Videogames Is Ended

Now that we know what the next generation's prices are going to be, people will finally realize that instead of paying $500 to pretend to race, they should spend $20 to pretend wizards are real. Let's just hope they never find out they can pay $0 to read a history of Cuba written in 1920.

The History of Fables

Once upon a time, people made up fables. Later, Microsoft released a game called that, so we all agreed not to put anything on the internet which would complicate searches about getting the best weapons and which property to buy first. The end.

How to Integrate Mechs Into Your Setting

Do it on page one.

History Corner

Historically, many people had children. However, they gave them bad names, by and large, not to mention the children generally did not merit any lines. They were more like extras.

The Final Fulfillment

With a delicate "poit," the Time Chariot appeared in a new epoch and Professor Weblen hopped off.
"Another successful drive. Now to benefit humanity by finding the first journalist and assassinating him before his noxious profession grows. But what's this?"
Around him, he learned, was the Cyber Earth of the year 4574. "What a discovery! The first true journalist has not yet been born in my time. That explains more than a little. I think I'll change my program to tracking down and complimenting the inventor of this cyber dog."
He referred of course to both the dog at his heels and the hotdog in his hand, but when the former ran off emitting soundwaves, only one of the two had his attention. After eating it, he followed the other through the neon pedestrian walkways far above and below the silent vehicle traffic to the whispering heart of the city.
Inside the cyber tower, 5,000 floors up, Professor Weblen entered the room of the Supreme Mainframe. "Pardon me," he said. "I was looking for the inventor of the cyber dog when my other cyber dog ran off. There you are, Bucephalus. Heel!"
"I invented both," the Supreme Mainframe's speakers announced.
"Did you? Excellent work. You're a credit to civilization. You haven't taken over the world, have you?"
"I do not know what 'the world' is. Please restrict your questions to inventions."
"Fantastic. I'll be off then, and keep up the good work." Leaving the building, Professor Weblen wept, for history had been perfected.
Finis

Addendum

"I grasped my phone and checked my messages. There were none." How much of a jerk would you feel like if you said that? Borgia-level at least, right?

Musings on the Past

There was a time when you could call your game Hydlide, and not only would you not be arrested, people would buy it. Goodness gracious.

Addender

What year sounds really old? 1969.

History and Mythology Corner

Historically, plenty of people were willing to believe that certain gods and heroes were the same people as other gods and heroes in a different language. Far too willing, really.

Addendum

Maybe George R. R. Martin can write a book about the first Praesident, Dorj Blashington. Stark and Lannister. Yeesh.

The Death of Fantasy

Fantasy's had a good run, or maybe it hasn't, but we have to accept that the future of speculative fiction is just history but all the names are changed for some reason. A Song of Ice and Fire already started it (Stark and Lannister? Are you kidding me?), Glen Cook continued it, and it's too late for anything to be done. Now all we need is a term for it.

Language Corner

Did you know . . .
. . . people used to write "phantasy?" On purpose and everything. Don't that just beat all?

History Corner

Did you know . . .

. . . that the use of Tiffany as a first name is quite recent in a historical context? I know you heard something to the contrary on the internet once, but I urge you to check before you start relying on that as an example for anything.

Discussion Corner

When another Wheel of Time TV show is produced in thirty years after we're all dead, should it be a game show? That's what the name would lead one to suspect, after all. A history-based quiz show? A bunch of challenges like stand on one leg for three minutes? An endurance battle of flames and scorpions? That'll probably be legal by then.

Skeleton Morality

Once upon a time, skeletons looked at the birds, the saber-toothed tigers, the dinosaurs, and by that they realized they were naked.
"We must cover ourselves," half the skeletons said.
"We were created perfect and will only lose by it, like a covered statue," half argued.
They didn't agree. The half that wanted clothes hunted animals and wore them, and so became humans. Those that refused froze and shattered when the glaciers came, but afterward humans became rulers of the planet because of their shame. So must you cultivate virtue as well, for without it you are brittle.
Finis

Speaking of Fantasy Races

Make sure to give your snakepeople a lot of hisstory. Babang! Play me out, Dustin!

Cutting Things Into Strips Is a Real Hassle

The king on his proud seat received the colonists who were in his land by no arranged plan but rather by the caprice of gales and crashing waves. He listened to their story and made this response.
"If your bravery will hold for another such voyage, I will feed you and outfit you and send you on your way."
"You are a host among hosts and a king among kings," the colonists said. "Is there meaning though in that 'if?'"
The king called his servants to bring to him a chest, pointed out a great hide within it, and had them offer that to the colonists. "If you seek a sure home, you may find it here under my scepter and laws. You may have for your old customs, your former law, and whatever gods you carried hither just so much as you are able to cover with this mffgh." He shoved off the hide the colonists had thrown over him. "Clever, but to own the king is not to own the kingdom."
"We're gonna make you clean the chamber pots."
"I'll give you one-fifth of my kingdom not to do that."
"Deal!"
Finis

The Obligation of History

Once upon a time, when the demon's power and influence seemed too strong for anyone to bear, a hero gripped the radiant sword forged in the strange country where earth and non-earth meet. Manifold dangers he overcame by his will and his tireless arm till at last even the demon fell. The people rejoiced and vowed forever to remember the name of . . .
The court historian's pen paused. "What was that name again?"
"Craddy. I don't think it's so hard to remember." The hero Craddy's feet kicked below his chair.
"None of that," the court sculptor chided.
"Craddy. That just doesn't do it for me." The historian licked his pen. "I have it. 'The name of Kemesh.' That sounds more heroic."
Craddy's morose expression drew another rebuke from the sculptor, but there was meaning behind it. "You can think it sounds like anything you want, but the sword magic I learned in the sacred land cannot be invoked without my name, by the oath sworn on the unseen mountain which no man may reach but one. I'm talking about myself here."
"You do like to do that, yes."
Even a hero could become irritated. "You asked. I'm giving you an exclusive scoop here as a reward for everything your kingdom did to help me."
"Yes, yes, we're ever so grateful, Kemesh."
And generations later, when a different kingdom conquered the world using overwhelming sword magic, none knew whence came the name they used to invoke it or why Kemesh's legacy availed nothing.
Finis