Thoughts on Age of Empires

You know, I'm starting to think there's a particular age of empires at all! It seems like we've had empires for a long time! Unless we are to reckon humanity's entire existence the age of empires. That's pretty deep.

A Future Story

One day, culinary historians will discover people of our era used cookie dough to make cookies. The public will not believe it. Eventually everyone on the internet will come to believe we never ate cookie dough directly. That's just how the world will continue to be.

Instant Profundity

The novice: "I'd better avoid giving characters and items in my story random names from mythology and such! People will get confused!"
The professional: "If I sprinkle random names from mythology and stuff around, people will theorize about the significance even though there isn't any. I'll secretly start up a wiki for my own work to get things started."

Depiction Demystification

Is it possible that sphinxes are depicted with human features in order to commemorate both the beasts and their brave riders? No. It's certain. Now what sphinxes really looked like is impossible to tell at this remove of years, but most likely they could fire blasts from their mouths.

Implementing Historically Accurate Thieves' Guilds

If you ask me, the Chandlers are a thieves' guild, with these prices! Criminy! And the Coopers! And the Masons! They're insatiable! And what does it cost to bury someone these days? I can't even afford dying!

Oft Overlooked Tendency in Pre-Modern Societies

In most times, in most places, and in most stories, people gave or exchanged presents. Often. Even when they maybe shouldn't have, what with all the curses and such. When writing fantasy, try to remember the last time one of your characters gave another something.

Bringing the History Back Into Fantasy

Keep in mind that in many societies, censor was an official position, and who better to hold it than your main character? The same goes for Master of Revels and tax farmer. Think of the adventures to be had from there. Running the mint though . . . won't the readers get tired if every plot is about counterfeiting or milling? How about going to look over mines with a view toward establishing a new metal source and then ghosts?

Addendum

Now, with the help of AI, you can enrich your story with portraits of people who don't appear. Consider your avant garded.

Author Biographies

Stop doing those. Put in biographies of the story's characters instead, or better yet, biographies of people only mentioned, or, best of all, biographies of characters not even mentioned, such as the fifth king of a place that is brought up in one conversation.

If You're Looking for Sword Names

That Saxo Grammaticus fellow names about five thousand swords in his factual and accurate Danish history, stuff so obscure only Shin Megami Tensei games have cottoned to them.

Addendum

I'm not saying wizards aren't real, but if I can pretend to raise a dog, reality is demonstrably no bar.

The Age of Videogames Is Ended

Now that we know what the next generation's prices are going to be, people will finally realize that instead of paying $500 to pretend to race, they should spend $20 to pretend wizards are real. Let's just hope they never find out they can pay $0 to read a history of Cuba written in 1920.

The History of Fables

Once upon a time, people made up fables. Later, Microsoft released a game called that, so we all agreed not to put anything on the internet which would complicate searches about getting the best weapons and which property to buy first. The end.

How to Integrate Mechs Into Your Setting

Do it on page one.

History Corner

Historically, many people had children. However, they gave them bad names, by and large, not to mention the children generally did not merit any lines. They were more like extras.

The Final Fulfillment

With a delicate "poit," the Time Chariot appeared in a new epoch and Professor Weblen hopped off.
"Another successful drive. Now to benefit humanity by finding the first journalist and assassinating him before his noxious profession grows. But what's this?"
Around him, he learned, was the Cyber Earth of the year 4574. "What a discovery! The first true journalist has not yet been born in my time. That explains more than a little. I think I'll change my program to tracking down and complimenting the inventor of this cyber dog."
He referred of course to both the dog at his heels and the hotdog in his hand, but when the former ran off emitting soundwaves, only one of the two had his attention. After eating it, he followed the other through the neon pedestrian walkways far above and below the silent vehicle traffic to the whispering heart of the city.
Inside the cyber tower, 5,000 floors up, Professor Weblen entered the room of the Supreme Mainframe. "Pardon me," he said. "I was looking for the inventor of the cyber dog when my other cyber dog ran off. There you are, Bucephalus. Heel!"
"I invented both," the Supreme Mainframe's speakers announced.
"Did you? Excellent work. You're a credit to civilization. You haven't taken over the world, have you?"
"I do not know what 'the world' is. Please restrict your questions to inventions."
"Fantastic. I'll be off then, and keep up the good work." Leaving the building, Professor Weblen wept, for history had been perfected.
Finis

Addendum

"I grasped my phone and checked my messages. There were none." How much of a jerk would you feel like if you said that? Borgia-level at least, right?

Musings on the Past

There was a time when you could call your game Hydlide, and not only would you not be arrested, people would buy it. Goodness gracious.

Addender

What year sounds really old? 1969.

History and Mythology Corner

Historically, plenty of people were willing to believe that certain gods and heroes were the same people as other gods and heroes in a different language. Far too willing, really.