It's Time to Start Remaking Books

Movies are remade all the time. You might think that has something to do with the medium, but way back when, everybody wrote his own version of the Argo's travels or King Arthur's rise and fall. What changed? Nothing that can't be changed back, especially when we revise those darn intellectual property laws in the interests of mankind's survival.

The Implications of Widespread Magic

Magister Thorne consulted the thaumaturgical chronometer on his desk. It would not do to be tardy, but hastiness would be just as impolite while reeking of desperation. There was no need to be desperate. All potential stumbling blocks had been removed. He tapped the swirling orb next to the chronometer, concentrated on the person he wanted to reach and leaned back in his chair.
"Oh, hey, is that you . . . Thorne? It's . . . hear from . . . fine day . . . dinner still . . . this evening?"
"There seems to be a problem with our connection, Lord Haverstash. Are you very far out?"
"No, no, I'm right . . . stopped by . . . wash . . . charming student body . . ."
"Well, that's good to hear, Lord Haverstash. Lord Haverstash? Are you there?" Thorne cursed and dashed out of his office.
"Sir, I thought you might like to know . . ."
"No time, Miss Arhod."
"But I really think . . ."
"No time!" Magister Thorne walked out of the administration building and looked around. "What's going over there?" There was a crowd just past the campus, and laughing, and water everywhere.
Miss Arhod caught up. "That's what I was trying to tell you, Magister. You might want to tell Lord Haverstash to take a different road, since a Bikini Golem Wash was approved on Orange Street."
"A what? Wait. Who requested this approval?"
"Um, let me see, House Wiffledimp?"
"No!" He ran forward waving his hands and yelling for everyone to pack up and vacate the street, but nobody listened.
"Ah, there you are, Magister! You didn't have to come meet me, but any excuse is a good one, eh?" Lord Haverstash winked. "There's no need for a formal discussion anyway. I've decided my son and heir will be attending this university, and joining House Wiffledimp specifically!"
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"
Finis

Take Back Your Posture

In the shattered ruins of a city of the Pacific Northwest, the hard but peaceful lives of the industrious survivors ended when Big Bunker's thugs strolled into town from the east, laughing and flexing their huge muscles. Even worse, a band of Harbor Rose's goons walked in at the same time. The survivors abandoned the square and peeked out of their cracked wooden doors. They knew their future was about to be determined, and they had no say.
"What do you thugs think you're doing here? Huh?" One of the goons made the first challenge.
"This is Big Bunker's turf. Didn't you know? I guess you don't know much!" The head thug laughed and elbowed his crew.
Just then, from the south, a lone figure appeared, tall and broad, covered in a cloak which he threw off to reveal his bull-like arms. The goons and thugs shouted and threatened, but the survivors were too shocked to speak. They recognized who the man was.
Before the cloak hit the ground, he thrashed every one of the thugs and goons, then began to speak. "How do you think the apocalypse happened in the first place? Carelessness. That's right, carelessness. Now look at you, with your torn shirts and mohawks. Were you manning the missiles? I wouldn't doubt it. Either you or somebody as careless as you. Sit up straight and look at me when I talk to you. You think paying attention isn't important? People like you thought that in the old days too, and then boom, apocalypse. Do you think that's fun? That it's the right way to do things?"
As the speech continued, the villagers finally found their voices and muttered to one another, "It's him! The one who wanders the wastes and tells us why we deserved it! The Nagger of the New Century!"
Finis

The Invented World

"Atlantis would be cool to throw in!" you say as you doom us all.

The Limits of Fiction

Make sure not to make your fiction too realistic, or you risk replacing our world with one of your own invention. That wouldn't be so bad if your taste weren't terrible, but here we are.

Ruin and Renewal

It's easy to criticize but hard to improve, and nobody around here plays on easy.

"In the name of Grayskull, I have the power!"
"By the power of Grayskull, I seize victory!"
"By the power of Grayskull, my will is supreme!"
"By the Grayskull power, the power has me!"
"By the power I have, Grayskull is power!"
"By Grayskull, what power this power is!"
"I have power, by Grayskull, and the power to use it!"

Select your favorite from the preceding list for use in your He-Man fanfiction about a new character who also gains the power of Grayskull and is definitely you.

Q&A with a Famous Author

Q. What made you start writing?

A. I wanted to write Harry Potter fanfiction.

Q. I see. And how would you describe your novels now?

A. Disguised Harry Potter fanfiction.