The Will to Secrecy

The customer picked up the sword, reverently it seemed, and admired it before turning the point toward its smith. "Now, if you please, the secret of your peerless weapons."
"Hmph. You aren't the first to try that," the swordsmith said. "It works, too, but once they hear it, they all swear to keep the secret. Of their own volition!"
"We will see. So?"
"It's the metal. Froganite."
"I have never heard of froganite. Are you sacrificing your life for a joke?"
"Of course you haven't heard of it. It's secret. Froganite is exceedingly rare because there's only one way to get it, and not from any mine. First, a steel frog devours gold flies. Then . . ."
"Then?"
"Then my assistants wait a week or so and pick up the, uh, result of the process. Takes a while to get enough."
The customer examined the sword again, somewhat less reverently. "Really?"
"Yep."
"Oh. Well." Saying that, he sheathed the magnificent blade, and nothing needed be said about whether he would tell anyone the truth behind it. On the verge of leaving, he paused. "How did anyone find that out?"
"You aren't the first to ask that, either."
Finis

The King's Last Resort

The Gontic kingdom, long feared for its overwhelming might, faced its final days. How such a state befell it still puzzled all the peoples of the world, but nevertheless the armies of three kings surrounded their shared enemy. King Gons VII and his enflamed spirit looked over the enemies which surrounded his last redoubt not with resignation but with ferocity.
"In all this Gontic kingdom established by my ancestors at the behest of the gods and blessed them so that each of us is more than human, stronger on the field of battle than three normal soldiers at the weakest, is there no one who will bring me King Blanned's crown, his head still wearing it? The man who does shall have for his wife my own daughter!"
To the side, a warrior even then submitting his person to his squire and his attendants that they might arm him with the silver armor that once the war god wore before bequeathing it to Gons III for a service done him and the sword whose smith tested it on the earth and created Mykress Canyon, turned and scowled. "I intended to do just that," said Prince Haufen. "Now I cannot."
"My brave son! Know that I have never taken back a word I said. I will add this though, that he for whatever reason is not to wed my daughter will instead be given this peerless cup studded with one gem from every land in which I killed a dragon, for their hearts are clumps of such jewels!"
"So then, my sister is worth a single cup, you say? I've changed my ideas about which king to kill!"
The nobles rushed to restrain the two royals, a difficult task because of their heroic strength and mythical passion. In the end the father and son made a wager that whichever of them killed but one king owed an apology to the killer of two. The prince won, and as for the princess, she was left to wonder why her father wanted to get rid of her so badly.
Finis

Monster Musings

Would giants be more popular if giant weren't a general adjective? Think about it. Suppose you start your story in this wise: "Thraddeus had a giant sword and a bigger attitude." Whoa, settle down, Thraddeus! Anyway, the reader concludes he has a big sword. But what if the story has giants in it? Now there's ambiguity. Did he steal the sword from a giant? Did a giant give it to him as a sign of friendship and receive a bracelet he wears as a ring? Minotaurs don't have this problem.

Science Corner

Q. How does a warrior handle atmospheric reentry?
A. By surfing down on his shield.
Q. He doesn't have a shield.
A. By surfing down on his two-handed sword.
Q. He has two swords.
A. Skiing.

Adaptable Material

Everybody's seen Yu-Gi-Oh! Card Game: The Chronicles, right? If not, here it is. That's all well and good, but I hear people saying the Albax story would be great to adapt. They're wrong. As much as it may tickle you to see a new card and realize the latest evil clown is actually this jerk from another card, that doesn't mean anything in a TV show. Think about the actual plot and you'll realize it's just a whole series of, "And these guys show up, and these guys show up, and these guys turn into these guys, and these guys show up . . ." Not only is Albaz not the best Yu-Gi-Oh! card set to adapt, it probably isn't even in the top five. Wait, probably? We can check easily enough.
1) Vendread
2) Gold Pride
3) S-Force
4) Rescue-ACE
5) Shiranui
Yup, not even in the top 5.

Addendum

Archers would write insulting messages on their arrows if they could. You know the kind.

Runeswords

You'd like to think the runes are full of arcane significance, but you just know they say, "If you can read this you're too close!" That's the kind of thing swordboys go in for. Truckers don't put alchemical diagrams on their trucks; they slap some truck nuts on there and get moving.

The Newest Multimedia Franchise

Make it about CHARLEMAGNE but it's in the FUTURE and there are SPACE BATTLES and his flagship is named JOYEUSE.

A Long-Delayed Progression

We have to level fantasy up into fantaser or even fantasest. My suggestion: Dragons only, no humans. They have dragon swords!

One Firm Preference

One thing I don't doubt is that for me, the most important part of fantasy is the characters. Namely, how huge their swords are.

How Do We Reimagine King Arthur for a New Generation?

A knight is out fighting, but then when the super-monster comes out, it flashes to Camelot where Arthur looks up and throws Excalibur all the way to the battle. The knight picks it up and wins. This happens most episodes, but there's a two-parter where Excalibur is stolen to name a sample exception.

Collection Impulse

Once, the gods spread across the world armor, a shield, a helmet, gauntlets, and a sword for the day when darkness rose and a hero went to meet it. However, the hero only needed the sword, so the other items were never found.
"Now I, Argurim, the king of collectors, will complete the set!"
The wealthy adventurer set out after making that bold proclamation. First, he and his retinue visited Lattely the City of Stamps, which was a bad idea, because he never left it. And so the divine panoply slumbers still.
Finis

Awakens the Scourge

Dread Aklakoth sits in his tomb, sipping his terrible tea. Once he slew hosts and threw down nations till he tired of it, for one crown is much like another under a heavy enough foot. There he will remain till some delver in search of ancient secrets and weapons of power unseals the tomb and enters, which is unlikely, because nobody even uses swords these days. He has a bow too, but competitions will certainly ban it if some scamp shows up with that thing. And so he sits, never to stir again.
"Do you really think there's an exotic tea interred in this ancient grave?"
"No, I funded this expedition because my wallet felt heavy. Hey, somebody got in here before us!"
At last dread Aklakoth stirs.
Finis

What Cannot Be Escaped

The stomping and scraping of the site workers that preceded the sun's setting by a little did not divert the Chief Reclaimer's attention, and he only raised a hand in response to the evening farewells. "Goodnight, Chief. Don't stay up too long, Chief." They knew the inevitability of his staying up too long, but wanted to say something. There were worse bosses in their field.
He worked long after the sun set with a single lantern in its place, dusting every speck of dirt and debris off the ancient relics that made the Old Pile worth excavating by the state while night and silence surrounded him.
"Your eyesight won't thank you for these late nights." The silence ended, and the Chief Reclaimer stood and turned around.
"Oh, ah, who . . . may I help you?" He saw a man, or so he supposed, but what he perceived was the edge of a blade, shining scarlet in the dark. "That's . . ."
"It is. You may help me by not moving. I was paid to do this." Halfway through those words, the Chief Reclaimer ran and the other followed. Both stumbled, the latter from unfamiliarity and the latter from stiffness and terror of that blade which belonged to the sword which cleaved might from main, forged by goblins in ages past. He knew of it as any scholar would and feared it.
He stumbled more and longer between the two, unequal to the chase. At last he collapsed and twisted, holding up an arm despite knowing nothing could stop the Sword of Exhaustion. It swung, and that was the end.
The Chief Reclaimer awoke the next day in his bed in town, late for work and feeling better than he had in years. He might have felt better yet had he been given a chance to examine that strange man's relic, but nothing could be done about that.
Finis

Reboot Opportunities

What kinds of changes should a Highlander remake include? Here are some ideas.

1. Chainsword
2. Lengthy jetski sequence
3. Every angle should be Dutch
4. Entire movie takes place in a forest around a lake except for the finale at the Grand Canyon
5. Cameo by DJ Khaled
6. Last line: "The Prize? Guess we'll find out next time." The main character winks at the camera while delivering the final line.

Did You Know

. . . that the Yaiba people are talking about these days isn't the Yaiba by the Conan guy? It's true!

History Corner

Did you know the Roman army used swords? The internet seems to be confused on this point.