This Is No Longer Acceptable

We've been putting up with it till now, but stop saying "bend the knee" outside of A Song of Ice and Fire. The word is "genuflect," or if that's too fancy for you, "kneel." While we're at it, "bannermen" is not a general term, "vassal" is, and variant spellings of "sir" aren't getting you anywhere. I'm speaking especially to video game translators.

Addendum

Maybe they have such integrity that they refuse to find terrestrial substitutes for ingredients which will be discovered only in the distant future.

The Missing Element in Science Fiction

There must be one somewhere, but I've never read any science fiction that Redwall's it up with lengthy feast descriptions. Don't these authors want to sell cookbooks?

Addendum

Maybe George R. R. Martin can write a book about the first Praesident, Dorj Blashington. Stark and Lannister. Yeesh.

The Death of Fantasy

Fantasy's had a good run, or maybe it hasn't, but we have to accept that the future of speculative fiction is just history but all the names are changed for some reason. A Song of Ice and Fire already started it (Stark and Lannister? Are you kidding me?), Glen Cook continued it, and it's too late for anything to be done. Now all we need is a term for it.

Subversion in Fantasy Settings

Everyone knows from that Yello song that the sun is even more beautiful than the moon, so suppose . . . What do you mean you've never heard any of the lyrics in that song besides "Oh yeah" and "Chikka chikka?" But, but, but, my fantasy idea!

I hope you all enjoyed that skit. The point is that in many cases, what you're trying to subverted has only ever been verted for some people in the first place. That means you have to proclaim how subversive it is if you want people to understand what a genius you are. Better yet, get other people to hammer that point for you. I can't tell you how often I've heard A Song of Ice and Fire praised for having the guts to kill characters unlike old fantasy; it's similar to the number of dead characters in older fantasy. Everything is marketing, and marketing doesn't make any sense.

A Way to Continue Exploiting A Song of Ice and Fire

A musical. Is there one of those already? I should have looked that up.

Title Rework Corner

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones? Not in this day and age. Fire Emblem: Double Trouble! is what we'll call the remake. And while we're at it, let's change Fire Emblem to A Song of Horses and Wyverns. It's more marketable and more honest, a rare combination.

A Startling Realization

Where are the Lord of Rings: Rings of the Rings and Game of Thrones Zero games? You know, the platformer where Galadriel has to jump around and collect whatsits and gizamagoos, or that PS3 gyro dragon game but with FMV cutscenes? People still like money, right?

Fantasy Punchline Corner

"If that's a Birthright, I'd hate to see a Birthwrong!"
"Ice and fire? I thought you were asking me to change your tire!"
"Yo momma's so immune to introspection, when she held the sword of Shannara, it doubted itself!"

Game Adaptation Corner

Q. What sort of game should A Song of Ice and Fire be?
A. Dynasty Warriors.
Q. How about Magician?
A. Dynasty Warriors.
Q. Romance of the Three Kingdoms?
A. 3D puzzle game. And Dynasty Warriors.

A Helpful Tip for Translators

Good: Kneel.
Good: Genuflect.
Bad: Bend the knee. A Song of Ice and Fire is not reference material. It is a fiction series with terms the author used or invented for his own purposes.

A Moment of Appreciation

Fantasy and science fiction allow us to delight in imaginings too beautiful for the real world. For instance, if you told me you heard a song of ice and fire, I would call you a liar and also the police. But in fantasy, such a thing is possible.

Phrases That Sound Like They Mean Something But Don't

Good pacing
Shades of gray
Character work
A song of ice and fire