Penetrate!! The Lawsuit Planet

"Dr. Ugari's digging machine really is something, but don't tell him I said so." The sonarman had leisure to talk, since the dense earth around the digger denied him the use of his instruments. If Professor Moxt was correct, that would change.
"Try honest praise for once, Mr. Jurven. The boost to your career may surprise you." Captain Ittel's casual tone, he hoped, disguised the excitement he and all the crew felt. Out of all the planets from the ice planet to the jungle planet, the lawsuit planet had to be the most boring. And yet, the respected Professor Moxt put forward so convincing a hypothesis that unbelievable finds waited beneath the layers of paperwork that had solidified into the planet's second crust that funds were raised and volunteers found for possibly the greatest expedition of the age. With Dr. Ugari's innovative drilling machine, the truth would be revealed.
The driller not only had to pierce through the layers of the planet but also accommodate the crews for the days the expedition was projected to take. And so it did, until at last Mr. Jurven reported his sonar gave results. They had reached an open area. Not a chamber or a building, but an entire hidden planet.
Exploring all of that was of course an impossible task, but the crew soon found a journal that explained everything. "Another day on the mining planet. Boy, we mine so much stuff here, but there are so many accidents I wouldn't be surprised if this turns into the lawsuit planet someday!!! Color of the week: Russet."
Historians were stunned.
Finis

Developing Your Magic System

The most important factor to consider about the magic in your story is how sick it will look on the cover. Ideally it should look fully mega sick, but super rad sick might suffice if other elements of your story are enticing enough.

Addendum

Because it isn't.

Single-Biome Planets

Just because you only see a single biome doesn't mean that's all there is on the planet. Did you complain Earth is a nonsensical single-biome planet when you watched True Stories?

Home Decor

Where does the discriminating lady keep her jewels when not worn? In a box? Or in the mouth of a statue designed for that purpose? I think we all know.

Occupational Reminder

If a fantasy world has wizards, it will probably end up with people named Henry Wizard who aren't wizards at all. Same for necromancer, spellsword, summoner, and so on, mutatis mutandis.

Movie Industry Update

CGI still looks bad. It might actually look worse.

Cutting Things Into Strips Is a Real Hassle

The king on his proud seat received the colonists who were in his land by no arranged plan but rather by the caprice of gales and crashing waves. He listened to their story and made this response.
"If your bravery will hold for another such voyage, I will feed you and outfit you and send you on your way."
"You are a host among hosts and a king among kings," the colonists said. "Is there meaning though in that 'if?'"
The king called his servants to bring to him a chest, pointed out a great hide within it, and had them offer that to the colonists. "If you seek a sure home, you may find it here under my scepter and laws. You may have for your old customs, your former law, and whatever gods you carried hither just so much as you are able to cover with this mffgh." He shoved off the hide the colonists had thrown over him. "Clever, but to own the king is not to own the kingdom."
"We're gonna make you clean the chamber pots."
"I'll give you one-fifth of my kingdom not to do that."
"Deal!"
Finis

The Newest Publishing Trend

In order to put physical books back above digital where they belong, the last page of every book will say, "And the true hero was . . . YOU!" above a mirror embedded in the back cover. That's show those 1s and 0s the power of human emotion.

Addendum

"But between us and this pile of code, which is truly more human?" We are. Idiot.

AI Slowpokes

A lot of people are surprised by AIs writing junk. But why? Who did you think was writing all the stories that question the nature of humanity and decide computers totally count? Humans? Get real.

The Problem With Magic Spells

If it results in spells, it should be called spellmanship, spellufacture, or spellification.

A Good Way to Prevent Littering

Put up an equestrian statue in the town square that has hidden in its jewel teeth a spell to make people not want to litter.

Diversity and Innovation

I don't see why subjects, objects, and verbs have to agree all the time. Can't disagreement often lead to sounder conclusions?

Practicality in Philosophy

Impractical, irresponsible, unmoored from reality. Such were the criticisms of philosophy in those days that inspired countless practitioners to advocate for the field as well as their own philosophies in particular. One among them, however, restrained himself from reacting to the jeers in any shallow way. He instead considered how best to prove how his mental exercises might be applied to everyday matters.
After he conquered the world, no one denied the validity of his theories. The public consigned all other philosophers to obscurity if not early graves, and his intellectual heirs strove against one another when, for all that he had reached the heights of human knowledge, he died.
After centuries of that, one ambitious philosopher pondered an idea that promised to bring about a revolution in thinking: "Maybe it wasn't his philosophy that allowed him to conquer the world. He was like level 250 or something, after all."
Finis

Breaking News From a Century Ago

Yo, I just won XCOM 2 for the first time, and what I wanna know is, who thought that design for A*****s was good and what secret society is pushing to make everything purple? They should cut it out.

Addendum

The space emperor's mech should look like it has a crown. Call it a sensor suite or something.

Important Questions to Ask About Your Space Emperor

Is he a Habsburg? If not, why not?
Is he a good mech pilot? If not, why does anyone listen to him?
Do people listen to him?

Now that you've answered those, that's about 72% of your worldbuilding done.

That Old Jeweled-Teeth Wheeze

Of course a statue with jewels for teeth is valuable, but is there more to it? Is each tooth a different jewel that has a different magical effect? Does tapping the teeth in the right order allow you to fix time? Do the names of the jewels spell out a message? Yes. All of that and more.

Fashion Is the Answer

Old: Counting down
Bold: Statues with jewels for teeth

Fantasy Monster Creation

Don't forget the checklist!

- What does its meat taste like?
- Its calls
- Color vision or black and white?
- What do its eggs taste like?
- It can defeat X civilians
- It can defeat X men at arms
- It can defeat X heroes
- It can defeat X X-men.
- Names in different lands
- Sense of smell: good?
- It hunts at night or never hunts or what

The Secret of the Well

Once upon a time, there was a well. One day, villagers heard a voice coming from it. "Help me," it said. "I'm a dragon stuck in this well. Help me get out."
"That explains why we never get any water out of this thing, I suppose." Thus said one villager.
"We'd better get that dragon out," another concluded.
But before they fell to devising a method to accomplish that, Skeptical Leonard spoke skeptically. "If you're a dragon, how did you get down there in the first place? It's a serious question."
"It is," the dragon admitted. "Thinking about it, it's really dark down here. I'm not actually sure I'm a dragon or what I am. I suppose it was more of an aspiration. Aren't dragons cool?"
Even Skeptical Leonard agreed that they were. He and all the villagers equipped themselves with shovels to get digging. They dug and they dug until at last they were able to rescue the creature, which of course turned out to be an oivel, as anyone more educated than the average villager would have guessed.
The freed oivel assisted the villagers in picking a better location for a well. After that, it opened a museum dedicated to dragons and dragon-related subjects which operates to this day, and if you tell them old Millard sent you, they'll knock a bit off the admission fee for you.
Finis

Addender

Submarines are an area of divergence between fantasy and science fiction. Submarine fantasy is fresh, exciting, and full of possibilities. Submarine scifi is full of boring technical details and horrible underwater creatures that the author alone thinks are wondrous elements of nature's beauty. As for submarine alt history, U-boats perform very well in it.

Addendum

The sharksuits will be provided by a wacky shark mage with unusual ideas.

The Big Question About Submarine Fantasy

Should people have big fishbowl helmets so it's like old scifi, or not? I think probably not. They should be equipped with sharksuits.

Try Not to Cry for Joy When You Read This

Submarine Fantasy

Alternative Titles

Tired of lords, dukes, and space dukes? Try some of these suggestions!

Companion
Upman
Rightman
Leftman
Managist
Brudder
Overguy
Leado
Firsted
Hosterior
Winner
Vigiloso
Plateman
Diceholder
Favorack

The Never-Ending Search for Better Words

Don't: Crimson
Do: Red-red
Don't: Quotidian
Do: Sunishly
Don't: Sword
Do: Edge of Justice

We May Begin to Suspect Magic Is Dumb

Dofdara University, in association with Tansok University, Meifol University, Ogradis Academy, and the municipal governments of Geffara, Ushta City, Lorashta, and Ewod and with both permission and financial assistance from the Crown, is again offering a grant to support promising research intended to develop a new (currently unknown) type of magic.
Previous grants have resulted in magic such as Charged Inferno, Crystal Storm, and Summon Giga-Dragon. We are proud of the contribution our grants have made to magical research in the past and intend to continue pushing forward the limits of magic.
However, we find ourselves in the position of being required to add a restriction to the range of magic we hope to fund. That is, NO MAGIC THAT ONLY ADVENTURERS CAN USE. Come up with something to repair the damage done by giga-dragons or something. We're begging you. Just one. There are enough ways to kill people already.
Finis

April Fool's Day

Don't forget to put dumb traditions in your story. Inside-out clothes day, no hat day, hat day, a day when you're allowed to wear more colors than people of your status typically are, that sort of thing. The important thing is that everyone inside the culture thinks it's normal.

Addendum

World War III? Ha ha, what a joker you've always been.