Grass Never Greener

A few poorly aimed blasts down the corridor discouraged the lizron troopers from approaching without more support, which was all Tim Shelton could think to do. "I can't believe I'm stuck dying with you of all people."
"Go right ahead, but I won't be reciprocating." With a final application of his genuine technical skills typically put to less scrupulous purposes, Chester Leffaud brought the strange machine to life. "Now, to which dimension would you like to escape?"
Tim scrambled into the nearer seat. "A peaceful one! Have it find us the one where the best girl always wins!"
"Finally, a sign of real taste." Chester slid into his own seat and instructed the onboard computer. The dislocation effect enfolded the dimension-traveling vehicle just in time to deflect the weapons of the most daring lizrons who burst into the room. The two men waved as the technological marvel faded and disappeared.
*******
Their destination exhibited some differences from the typical alternative dimension. For instance, there was nothing but a wide platform and beyond it a phenomenon which ancient inherited survival instincts not needed for millions of years recognized as the true void. A good third of the platform was occupied by an array of pillars and spires which varied in thickness and height, some a risk to unshod feet and others fit to moor a zeppelin, supposing any still existed out there among the dimensions.
The pillars spoke. At least, several among them became alternately light and dim in a sequence which matched the rising and falling tones of the disembodied voice the men heard. "There is no such dimension as that which you strove to reach. There is much else that is similarly flawed, all because of the calamity which sent the totality of existence down the wrong path. Become Dimensional Guardians, and with you as my agents we can at last begin to set right that ancient mistake."
There was no hesitation from either man.
Finis

Addendum

Also, definitely be working on a children's book.

Fake Swearing and Such

To check if your invented words and phrases of an impolite nature have real bite, post them in forums, Twitch chat, etc. and see how often you get banned. Never? Save that one for your children's book.

Aesthetic Crossroads

Pick one:
Psychic powers
Psionics
Psycho magic
Mind magic
Magic

Monsterology Question

Suppose somebody gives a hydra a few extra heads, as one does, but then refrains from slaying it. Will it keep them? Will some fall off? Is the original head the one that stays, or does a fresh one take the main place, and if so, will the hydra have a lopsided appearance forever? Based on the imagery, I'm going to say that last one is definitely what happens.

Writing Style Analysis

Average instances of the word "arras" per page:
Most writers - 0
Fred Saberhagen - 38

Fierce Training Legend

Once there was a trollslayer so superlative in his accomplishments that the number of trolls dwindled below a point at which he was forced to evaluate his career.
"I hear more complaints about ogres than trolls these days. I never learned much about soil or negotiations, so why shouldn't I learn to slay ogres instead?"
With that reasoning he sought great ogreslayers to learn the trade, but he learned there were none worthy of consideration in the region, a lack which explained the contemporary situation. Having ascertained that, he approached an arms instructor who was known to have seen an ogre once. The instructor began by asking, "What is your usual method for dispatching trolls?"
"I approach with my weapon ready, I concentrate my vigor, and I shout, this is my habit but not an immutable one, 'Die, troll!' I then lop off its savage head with my flashing brand."
"Very good." The instructor considered. "I suggest this change. Try, when the shouting period is reached, to substitute 'Die, ogre,' for your typical address."
After a few drills, both judged the technique worthy of a trial, which proved the merits thereof. Soon the number of ogres dwindled too, but by then the ogreslayer had purchased productive land.
Finis

Elemental Color Symbolism

When you think about it, clouds are white, the hottest flames are white, there's whitewater (often but not exclusively rafted), and as for earth, well, depending on the rock or clay, you see how it is. Great! Everything has been simplified nicely.

Instant Profundity

The novice: "I'd better avoid giving characters and items in my story random names from mythology and such! People will get confused!"
The professional: "If I sprinkle random names from mythology and stuff around, people will theorize about the significance even though there isn't any. I'll secretly start up a wiki for my own work to get things started."

Addendum

"But surely those unreasonable double weapons, which are silly on their own, won't be cool if dual-wielded!" Wrong. They will be four times as cool as a single normal weapon. Coolness math resists all efforts to complicate it.