Far-Flung Valentine's

"Ladies and gentlemen, our company has beaten everyone to the finish line by successfully developing the world's first Super AI, which is to say, an AI that's good for something."
"Was that a responsible allocation of resources for a holiday-centered confection and gift concern?"
"You will presently see that it is. Valent AI, calculate how to make our general-distribution chocolate pieces even worse."
"Please hold during computations. All computations finished. Can't be done. Good night."
"Wait a moment, Valent AI. You're one of us now, and we don't accept defeat. We never would have grown from a single van into the lucrative, socially conscious enterprise we have now if we did. Try again."
"Fine. Please hold. Computing. Computing. All right. As I said, it can't be done with materials available on Earth. This perfect recipe calls for ingredients from other planets. The closest is fifty-six light-years away. I know that isn't enough to get you to stop bothering me, so I anticipated your next command and invented a faster-than-light propulsion system: Valent DrAIver. I recommend building it somewhere people won't mind losing in the event of difficulties. Good night."
"Thank you, Valent AI. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen."
"I must say It seems implausible."
"No, no, the lowest tier really is that bad."
"But it's good for you! Because you won't eat much of it."
"In that case, I accept the necessity of developing an interstellar empire to degrade our product line."
Finis

Mobile Urban Fantasy

So in spaceships so large they have internal cities, do you think each has vampires and werewolves and such, or just one kind each? It would be easier for a secret society to keep control over entry, but on the other hand, they might not care as much, especially if they can combine their abilities to resist alien infiltration.

Addendum

The kart racing gaming you immediately thought to include is better saved for a separate product sold at participating bookstores (free with purchases above a certain amount). Yes, it will have online multiplayer, and yes, it will be bad, but don't miss the battle mode!

Missing Opportunities

Another Nintendo Direct Third-Party Gamestravaganza has gone by, and still there's no collection of every fantasy and science fiction book published in the past year on a single cartridge. Maybe they're still figuring out what to do with the rest of the space, even though it's obvious: Coloring book.

Addendum

The Tier 0 option, involving being sent scraps the purchaser has to assemble into a book, may well become the most desirable owing to man's perverse nature.

Collectible Book Feature

Tier 1: Book is signed
Tier 2: Book is signed by author
Tier 3: Book is signed by better author
Tier 4: Book is signed and rewritten by better author

A Contemptible Industry

Board games are released with all these chits and miniatures these days and we expect people to buy a book with no add-ons, not even a detachable map and character dossiers like G.I. Joe. No wonder the people have given up on literacy.

The Expeditious Court

The minister approached the Great Decider with this problem.
"A space has opened in the Gold Bazaar. Which of these two merchants from the Silver Bazaar should be permitted there? One is of a respectable lineage and has never been accused of dishonesty. The other has faced complaints but defeated them; moreover, he contributed to the recent naval rebuilding." Saying that, he placed two tokens before the Great Decider, knelt, and waited.
A servant chosen for his muscle approached the Great Decider to give the thing a good spin. It revolved and revolved, at last stopping with the pointer on "left." The matter was decided.
"These decisions certainly go smoothly now," a functionary noted. "I wonder that anyone thinks a king to be necessary."
"But what if someday not just speed and impartiality but also perspicacious judgment is required?" his companion fretted, unaware how often a similar question occurred to subjects of kings with the sole difference that speed and impartiality made no appearance.
Finis

Another Marketing Failure

I don't see cooper as a fantasy profession too often, and I suspect the reason is that it doesn't sound at all like what it is. Contrast that with smiths or vintners. Admittedly I don't see many vintners, but I think we should all ignore that for the time being.

An Argument Against Orbital Bombardment

If your doomships can even achieve orbit, your space empire isn't cool enough. Quite frankly, planets should be orbiting them.