An Unconventional Form of Direct Subsidy

When every other method failed, the lonely subject of Huthany had recourse to the professional matchmaker. One suffering heart had a recommendation from no less a personage than Commodore Frangest. "Uncle Teddy's the one you want to see. New in the field, but has resources beyond most."
This person was not to stubborn to accept advice and therefore took himself to Uncle Teddy's store; the fact that such existed already impressed. A secretary, another surprise, took his name and entered the depths soon to be replaced by Uncle Teddy himself holding a sheaf of papers, a sight which astonished for several reasons.
"I see you completed militia service and are adequately tall. Excellent. I'll put you with someone nice and tall forthwith."
"May I ask a question?"
"Certainly."
"Aren't you, I hope this doesn't sound absurd, the king?"
"We are Theodoric IV, correct. Now I expect a pregnancy reported within eight months or else there will be additional fee for wasting our time."
"Your Majesty, why, I beg upon your mercy leave to ask a second question, why are you working as a matchmaker?"
"You noticed everyone's height in the militia of course. Nothing is more strategically important. Two inches taller at the minimum, three inches at the average, and no army on the continent will match ours," the king explained. "We are not unreasonable however. No penalty fee applies should your children fail to measure up. If, on the contrary, you produce acceptable army candidates, you will receive a bounty per head. It's amazing we can stay in business, but you'd be a fool not to take advantage."
"I do see that, Your Majesty."
Finis

Addendum

If it's a magical talking mace, give each flange a different personality. Perhaps they're former wielders, the sages who gave their lives to infuse it with power, or the villains it was created to vanquish.

How to Make Maces Cool

Concentrate on the flanges. Interchangeable flanges for different kinds of creatures, legendary flanges which require a quest to collect, oversized flanges that scream and drip blood. The principle is the same as that behind a baseball bat with nails in it.

Challenging Literature

If you call every country in your setting an empire, people will struggle to figure out which is the bad one. Get ready for all the awards that'll pour in!

The Problem With Being Trapped in an Online Game

It was plausible you could survive in an MMORPG, but nowadays you'd be trapped in Fortnite or Marvel Rivals and be dead in seconds.

Addendum

Higher-production works should of course have little chibi pictures of characters as they walk, fight, eat, and so forth.

Visual-Literary Interdependency

In other words, every line of dialogue should have a little chibi picture of the speaker in the margin.

The Richest of Savory Meals

The far-ranging travels of Gaunatico and Duir did not except the town of Euspath.
"Euspath is a name familiar to me for an unclear reason. Clarify it," Gaunatico instructed his manservant.
"Euspath's notoriety, sir, is for its virtue, specifically the probity of its citizens."
Nor did their stay put the lie to that reputation. The locals mentioned nothing about bribes, charged prices unable to be construed as exorbitant, and caught up to them bearing the items they pretended to lose with the thought of engineering an excuse. Aside from that, the town had as much of interest as any other. Upon their retirement for the evening Gaunatico proposed to move on the next day, a plan to which Duir had no mind to object. Both slept easily and thoroughly.
They awoke chained to the ground before a pit which blessed them by concealing its depth and contents. The floor was hard, the air close, and worst of all, the place was unfurnished. Behind them, a man spoke.
"Welcome, visitors. I will initiate you into our local custom. First I will employ this dagger which I hold above you, examine it if you like, to cut out your sins. Second I will cast your sins into that pit before you, likely you have surveyed it already, as meals for my creation. Third, you will have left town by then, my creation will emerge and wreak such massacres as will excite the literary imagination for generations. Now then."
The sorcerer yanked back Duir's head and sliced down his chest from which he pulled a dark mass. He did the same to Gaunatico. Both marveled, for neither bled or was harmed at all. The two masses flew above them into the pit, whence soon they heard the terrible sound of a beast's feeding. An awful roar followed that, then silence.
The man walked to the edge and looked down. "It's dead. I didn't expect that. What do you get up to out there? Please don't tell me, since I am no hardier than my poor abomination. I will release you now."
"Don't hurry if it puts you out," Gaunatico told him. "I feel refreshed as I haven't in years. I might stay for a month."
"Please don't," the sorcerer begged.
Finis

Problems With the Title "Graf"

Your spellchecker will keep bugging you about whether you meant "graph," and then if you add "graf" to a custom dictionary or tell it to ignore the word, you'll miss all the times you did mean "graph" but misspelled it, something which happens an average of thirty-two times per novel I imagine.

Static Vs. Dynamic Characters

Before we begin, let me emphasize how important it is to make sure your main characters are dynamic. If we look at a list of hugely popular characters, we'll see . . . oh no. No, this can't be happening! Aaaaaaagh!