Humor Crime

Whose fault is it that out of four humors, two of them are bile? Was it a little natural philosophy joke, just some levity between peers? Anyway, from now on black bile is dark spew.

Summary of the Blastopolitan Saga

For his crimes—saying what he thought and living how he liked—he was given a harsh sentence. He was . . .

EXILED TO BLASTOPOLIS

"I still can't believe I was exiled to Blastopolis, but I'm settling in," said Gilliam Axhagen as he potshotted another astro-mutant with his tri-fission blaster. "Say, what's that building over there, the one they're staying away from? It looks abandoned—just the sort of place they usually like. Could that be the location of one of the . . ."

SECRETS OF BLASTOPOLIS

"We've uncovered some of the secrets of Blastopolis." Fred Wendell laid a paternal hand on Gilliam's shoulder. "But we won't be able to understand much more unless you become . . ."

RULER OF BLASTOPOLIS

"Now that there's a true ruler of Blastopolis, we can hope for some order," said Fender Bivins as he vaporized one of the last four remaining sludge-trudgers. "But who knows what could be out there, out . . ."

BEYOND BLASTOPOLIS

"It turns out readers don't much care what's beyond Blastopolis." The publisher laid a paternal hand on the writer's shoulder. "We really think it would be better to take things . . ."

BACK TO BLASTOPOLIS
TRIUMPH IN BLASTOPOLIS
WAR IN BLASTOPOLIS
SURVIVORS OF BLASTOPOLIS
EXCURSION BEYOND BLASTOPOLIS
RETURN TO BLASTOPOLIS
GENESIS OF BLASTOPOLIS
CANCELLATION OF BLASTOPOLIS
REVIVAL OF BLASTOPOLIS
Finis

Future Mindset

The people of the future will be unable to understand a world in which we didn't give every computer a little hat and a scarf with your favorite bookmarks printed on it. Come to think of it, I don't understand it myself.

Ancient Mindset

The biggest impediement to understanding ancient peoples is that to the modern eye, somebody riding a chariot looks like a dweeb. When Zeus punished a guy in a chariot, it wasn't for presumption in claiming divinity, but to improve mortal fashion standards.

Born Tragedy

Imagine being born with a last name like Saberhagen and consequently being unable to give one of your characters Saberhagen as a cool name because people will think you're inserting yourself.

Final Proof Regarding the Human Condition

It's often theorized that in the future humanity will abandon itself to virtual entertainment, shunning the real world. I'm looking at Steam charts and I don't think that idea reflects the truth of human inclinations. In particular, the games that keep high player counts often end up with mixed reviews while the best-received trail off. The fact that the real world kinda stinks will ensure people keep coming back to it.
"But what if developers, possibly AI ones, create an even more addictive flawed virtual experience?" That'll work for a time, but eventually they'll patch in some quality of life features that will ruin it. Then people will demand a classic version, and they'll get it, and they'll play it some but quit faster than they did originally, and so on till we're all back in the stadium complaining about the price of hot dogs.

The Last Spoiled Frontier

Now that we know there isn't an ancient city hiding on the moon, where am I supposed to have my bold adventurers go? Wait a minute, did I just write "on the moon?" I just checked, and I did. Sublunarian expeditions await! Until we do that too, at which point I dunno. Maybe something in Montana. Nobody checks anything that's claimed to happen there.

Q&A Corner

Q. When should I use meed and when should I use guerdon?
A. If you're using either, you no longer care what people think.
Q. I have a similar question about raiment and habiliments.
A. I have a similar answer.

The Inscrutable Meed of Valor

After the battle, the great spirit Elgophan addressed Jinios thus: "You, a mortal man, have made an unforgettable exhibition of your might and bravery against these baercaces. I am minded to exchange gifts. Here, I will have that shield, rent to uselessness save as a trophy, and take you this lizard canister."
"A . . . what?" The firmament sent down a single of its jewel-like stars which resolved itself in Jinios's hands as a canister some eight inches long. Its surface had a dull sheen to it. "Oh, a canister, that I suppose contains a lizard possessed of peculiar virtues." "There is no lizard inside it."
"Oh. Can it contain a lizard?"
"Certainly."
"Can it be filled with things other than lizards?"
"It must be so, before the end."
While Jinios examined it the mysterious gift, Elgophan disappeared, and never again did they meet.
Years later, the theft of the Gochish Arract from the despot's vault succeeded as far as the acquisition, but the extraction was another matter. Jinios acted to assist the rash but likable thieves by hiding the Arract on his person, but the thorough guards restricted their examination in no way at all.
"Nothing on this one, but what might he be hiding in here?" The guard held up the canister and shook it.
"Haven't you ever seen a lizard canister? All you're doing is agitating the lizard. And wasting time."
With that, the canister was handed back to Jinios, who, awed at the manifold windings of fate, then recalled the final words of Elgophan.
Finis

Addendum

The smooth maneuver is to label your pages wrong on purpose so that readers (and eventually non-readers) argue over the proper scores, make competing guides/wikis/apps, and generally generate a whole lot of fuss. Every entertainment product needs a little controversy, but don't get despondent thinking it has to be in the text.