Everyone knows from that Yello song that the sun is even more beautiful than the moon, so suppose . . . What do you mean you've never heard any of the lyrics in that song besides "Oh yeah" and "Chikka chikka?" But, but, but, my fantasy idea!
I hope you all enjoyed that skit. The point is that in many cases, what you're trying to subverted has only ever been verted for some people in the first place. That means you have to proclaim how subversive it is if you want people to understand what a genius you are. Better yet, get other people to hammer that point for you. I can't tell you how often I've heard A Song of Ice and Fire praised for having the guts to kill characters unlike old fantasy; it's similar to the number of dead characters in older fantasy. Everything is marketing, and marketing doesn't make any sense.
Monday, February 27, 2023
Sunday, February 26, 2023
Dragon Logistics
The general inspected the preparations and found them to be proceeding in good order. The palisade was up, the tents would soon join it, and the dragons were hauling in the engines required for the siege.
"General, I'm puzzled. Why do we have dragons do manual labor? Couldn't they take down the walls themselves?"
These brats from the elite families always asked dumb questions like that. So far the general had managed to preserve his patience in every such instance, which was the reason he had been able to become a general. "Yes. Then they claim the city for themselves. As it is, they don't even know what we're going to do with that mangonel, for instance." He pointed at a dragon who deposited that engine, accepted a copper bracelet as payment, and flew off.
"I get it now. That's why we have them digging the latrine, right?"
At least the brat was impressed with his own powers of extrapolation. The general was not. "Yes. They're excellent at it. Far better than my men."
"OK. I guess they're excellent doctors, too." The twerp looked at a dragon wearing a white coat who was struggling to set a bone without killing its owner.
"They're terrible at it, but you can't just look at that. A human would be much better, but that same human will be even more useful in the siege compared to a dragon. Something can be at a disadvantage in itself but still result in an advantage when you compare the optimum use for whatever is superior to it." Did the elites not teach their children economics? The general worried about the future of the country even if the siege were successful.
Finis
"General, I'm puzzled. Why do we have dragons do manual labor? Couldn't they take down the walls themselves?"
These brats from the elite families always asked dumb questions like that. So far the general had managed to preserve his patience in every such instance, which was the reason he had been able to become a general. "Yes. Then they claim the city for themselves. As it is, they don't even know what we're going to do with that mangonel, for instance." He pointed at a dragon who deposited that engine, accepted a copper bracelet as payment, and flew off.
"I get it now. That's why we have them digging the latrine, right?"
At least the brat was impressed with his own powers of extrapolation. The general was not. "Yes. They're excellent at it. Far better than my men."
"OK. I guess they're excellent doctors, too." The twerp looked at a dragon wearing a white coat who was struggling to set a bone without killing its owner.
"They're terrible at it, but you can't just look at that. A human would be much better, but that same human will be even more useful in the siege compared to a dragon. Something can be at a disadvantage in itself but still result in an advantage when you compare the optimum use for whatever is superior to it." Did the elites not teach their children economics? The general worried about the future of the country even if the siege were successful.
Finis
Saturday, February 25, 2023
Addendum
Of course it's going to be the same guy in all of them. He's the best. Why would you want the second-best on your audiobook?
Friday, February 24, 2023
The Forthcoming Industry Standard
Soon every audiobook will include a guy who says "Yeah" and "Come on!" every so often. Prices will go up. Get ready for it.
Thursday, February 23, 2023
Addendum
The lesson is that fantasy is better than science fiction. I don't like it either, but we have to face it.
Wednesday, February 22, 2023
A Star Ocean Summary
You're on a fantasy world. You have a pretty good time. Then you leave the fantasy world and don't have such a good time, but the game's almost over anyway.
Tuesday, February 21, 2023
A Holiday Special
That last story was in honor of Presidents' Day. Unfortunately, only the first two American presidents governed in that fashion, but maybe we can get back to that with the proper reforms.
Sunday, February 19, 2023
Staid Was Also in There
The representatives met in the capital, bringing with them the dreams and troubles of their constituents. Each, as custom demanded, wrote a single word on the provided paper and dropped it in the jar. The president was then to extract one of the slips. The word chosen would set the tone for governmental policy over the coming year.
Silence was demanded except for the scratches of sixty-two very important pens. The writing was finished, the papers deposited, and the president reached in after shaking the jar with authority.
"The agenda for the next year is . . . 'Dramatic.' Um." The representatives chuckled. "A fine word no doubt, but how do we design a policy around it?"
"Sounds like your problem, boss!" The representatives guffawed and pounded the table. The president grimaced and resolved he would shut them up by his immaculate execution of the task they had imposed by their irreverence. That was the day the world conquest began.
Finis
Silence was demanded except for the scratches of sixty-two very important pens. The writing was finished, the papers deposited, and the president reached in after shaking the jar with authority.
"The agenda for the next year is . . . 'Dramatic.' Um." The representatives chuckled. "A fine word no doubt, but how do we design a policy around it?"
"Sounds like your problem, boss!" The representatives guffawed and pounded the table. The president grimaced and resolved he would shut them up by his immaculate execution of the task they had imposed by their irreverence. That was the day the world conquest began.
Finis
Some Smark Fantasy Titles to Get You Started
"Legit Heat in the Back: A Smark Fantasy Adventure"
"Butts in the Seats!!"
"I Was Transported to Another World to Do the J O B?!?!"
"What Players These"
Yes, you do have to pay me if you use any of these. No, you don't have to make sure it's good. That's between you and your readers.
"Butts in the Seats!!"
"I Was Transported to Another World to Do the J O B?!?!"
"What Players These"
Yes, you do have to pay me if you use any of these. No, you don't have to make sure it's good. That's between you and your readers.
Friday, February 17, 2023
The Future of Fantasy
We've had enough dark fantasy. It's time for smark fantasy. That's right, secondary world professional wrestling. Think of the gimmicks! The giant guy could be an actual giant. That's all. That's the only extra gimmick. Except for . . . Mummies! I was lying before, because there are many options.
Thursday, February 16, 2023
Addendum
Now if they ever make a new Shining Force, mummies are all but guaranteed. It's all about style, you know. That goes for everything on this planet. Now on Mars, people only care how many customization options there are. Weirdos.
Wednesday, February 15, 2023
Speculation on the Next Fire Emblem
Will it be cyberpunk? Cybernonpunk? Those are the only two options. Mummycore is right out.
Some Reflections on Fire Emblem: Engage
Spoilers naturally
Hard isn't kidding around early on, though it is kidding around later. It's a satisfying tactical experience without being crazy hard. There is however some cheapness in some stages regarding boss movement and when they trigger.
The combat styles are a good attempt to reduce mounted dominance. Fliers feel like one option rather than the best one. Cavalry, however, seems too weak now. Perhaps it should have built-in Momentum, because as it is, increased movement alone is a poor bonus with how small the difference is and the additional terrain-ignoring fliers get.
It's a great idea to divide skills between the characters (personal and class skills) and the emblems (crazy nonsense). The game can be more complex while still being easy to understand because of the compartmentalization. That said, I would have preferred if the balance hadn't been tilted so far toward the emblem side. Even inherited skills come from emblems only and not from classes or something else.
SP gain is slow. Any kind of experimentation is pretty much locked to Normal, where skirmishes ought to be safe to do.
The story itself is decent, but the presentation of it is terrible. The cutscene direction is a big problem. I'm sure the writers imagined most of the lines between the good guys and the bad guys being delivered across a battlefield, not for everyone to walk up and stand in a cirle together and walk away when it's time for war and tactics. The blocking is boring even in good-guy-only conversations. There's no cinematic flair whatsoever. Another problem is that they use the lord's dumbfounded expression far too often.
The translators should be ashamed of themselves, but they most certainly are not.
The voice director should get some of that shame too.
The cast is decent. Pretty normal Fire Emblem stuff, which doesn't seem exceptional but is still better than most games.
The music is standard for Fire Emblem as well, which is to say completely forgettable. It isn't essential to have super-special special weapons, but it can be fun. Unfortunately, most of the special effects go into emblem weapons. Outside of that theere's the lord's sword then nothing till the very late stages when you can get legendary weapons. The legend of a silver weapon but slightly better.
The biggest disapppointment of the game is Wyvern Ride. Only the little mascot could have fun with that one. Maybe I'm just mad he's better at it than I am.
Colors! How I missed them. Most importantly, the enemy range and threat colors and terrain distinctions, which in Three Houses were often hard to make out.
Rating: Good/Game.
Hard isn't kidding around early on, though it is kidding around later. It's a satisfying tactical experience without being crazy hard. There is however some cheapness in some stages regarding boss movement and when they trigger.
The combat styles are a good attempt to reduce mounted dominance. Fliers feel like one option rather than the best one. Cavalry, however, seems too weak now. Perhaps it should have built-in Momentum, because as it is, increased movement alone is a poor bonus with how small the difference is and the additional terrain-ignoring fliers get.
It's a great idea to divide skills between the characters (personal and class skills) and the emblems (crazy nonsense). The game can be more complex while still being easy to understand because of the compartmentalization. That said, I would have preferred if the balance hadn't been tilted so far toward the emblem side. Even inherited skills come from emblems only and not from classes or something else.
SP gain is slow. Any kind of experimentation is pretty much locked to Normal, where skirmishes ought to be safe to do.
The story itself is decent, but the presentation of it is terrible. The cutscene direction is a big problem. I'm sure the writers imagined most of the lines between the good guys and the bad guys being delivered across a battlefield, not for everyone to walk up and stand in a cirle together and walk away when it's time for war and tactics. The blocking is boring even in good-guy-only conversations. There's no cinematic flair whatsoever. Another problem is that they use the lord's dumbfounded expression far too often.
The translators should be ashamed of themselves, but they most certainly are not.
The voice director should get some of that shame too.
The cast is decent. Pretty normal Fire Emblem stuff, which doesn't seem exceptional but is still better than most games.
The music is standard for Fire Emblem as well, which is to say completely forgettable. It isn't essential to have super-special special weapons, but it can be fun. Unfortunately, most of the special effects go into emblem weapons. Outside of that theere's the lord's sword then nothing till the very late stages when you can get legendary weapons. The legend of a silver weapon but slightly better.
The biggest disapppointment of the game is Wyvern Ride. Only the little mascot could have fun with that one. Maybe I'm just mad he's better at it than I am.
Colors! How I missed them. Most importantly, the enemy range and threat colors and terrain distinctions, which in Three Houses were often hard to make out.
Rating: Good/Game.
Monday, February 13, 2023
The Next Science Fiction Subgenre
Cybernonpunk. The world is run by megacorporations, and they do a decent job. Not perfect, there are still problems, but people get by.
It Also Closed Down Social Media
"Here's the good news, ladies and gentlemen. Our company's Valentine's AI project has produced a genuine artificial intelligence in time for February."
"Great!"
"Fantastic!"
"So what's the bad news?"
"Here's the bad news. It's taken over and is arranging marriages for everyone in the world. Participation is not optional."
"Suboptimal."
"Unfortunate."
"So that's what that email was about."
"But here's the worst news of all. It's doing a fantastic job. Marital satisfaction is skyrocketing. Nobody is sitting around depressed until they turn to our products and services out of sheer inability to imagine a better life on their own anymore."
"A disaster!"
"Insupportable!"
"My new wife looks cute."
"There's only one thing to do. Send in the corporate special operations violence action team."
"Now I feel bad for fighting that proposal. Worse that I succeeded."
"I wish we really had one of those."
"Can we finish this conference up? I have someone I need to meet."
Finis
"Great!"
"Fantastic!"
"So what's the bad news?"
"Here's the bad news. It's taken over and is arranging marriages for everyone in the world. Participation is not optional."
"Suboptimal."
"Unfortunate."
"So that's what that email was about."
"But here's the worst news of all. It's doing a fantastic job. Marital satisfaction is skyrocketing. Nobody is sitting around depressed until they turn to our products and services out of sheer inability to imagine a better life on their own anymore."
"A disaster!"
"Insupportable!"
"My new wife looks cute."
"There's only one thing to do. Send in the corporate special operations violence action team."
"Now I feel bad for fighting that proposal. Worse that I succeeded."
"I wish we really had one of those."
"Can we finish this conference up? I have someone I need to meet."
Finis
Saturday, February 11, 2023
A Lively Culture
People in your fantasy world probably like poetry, but you don't, so at the end of every chapter write this: "Elsewhere, people were listening to poetry." Problem solved.
Friday, February 10, 2023
Addendum
It's important to wear a comically tall hat when you're riding a horse, because if it falls off, you can ride by and pick it up without dismounting.
Wednesday, February 8, 2023
History Corner
The Scythians were known to wear tall hats, but little is said as to why they didn't catch on. Geographic influences, probably.
The Mysteries of Fire Emblem: Engage
How did an old Gainax character become queen of Solm? Why aren't her kids Gainax characters? Did she ever find the secret of blue water?
Monday, February 6, 2023
Sunday, February 5, 2023
As Good an Explanation As Any
One day, the cat caught the mouse but refrained from eating it or even killing it.
"Is this mercy? The world is different from what I thought and what it must be. Rather, do you eat me forthwith." That was what the mouse said. The cat resisted the injunction. "As to how the world is, I know nothing of it, but I am aware of mice and that you are the god of them. Don't think I can be fooled. If I kill you, your godhead, freed from your tiny body, can easily take possession of my superior frame. Then you will be better positioned to do good for mice. Well, I have no opinion on whether mice should fare better or worse, but it goes against my sense of aesthetics that a god should not be the thing of which it is the god."
"I hesitate to disturb your composure, but I must say that many gods violate your precept even today."
"I know it. The discomfort causes me to screech, to yowl, to scratch surfaces unaccustomed to rough treatment. My entreaties have had no result. Shall I contribute myself to what I abhor? If the winners offered a reward perhaps, but not under any other circumstance." The cat spoke thus and, no longer interested in the mouse god, removed itself from the scene.
The mouse god therefore squeezed into a hole and found a crack that led down, down to the core of the planet. It died there. Just as the cat understood, the godhead swelled and inspirited the entire planet. Getting rid of all mice has been an impossibility since then, for the world itself watches over them.
Finis
"Is this mercy? The world is different from what I thought and what it must be. Rather, do you eat me forthwith." That was what the mouse said. The cat resisted the injunction. "As to how the world is, I know nothing of it, but I am aware of mice and that you are the god of them. Don't think I can be fooled. If I kill you, your godhead, freed from your tiny body, can easily take possession of my superior frame. Then you will be better positioned to do good for mice. Well, I have no opinion on whether mice should fare better or worse, but it goes against my sense of aesthetics that a god should not be the thing of which it is the god."
"I hesitate to disturb your composure, but I must say that many gods violate your precept even today."
"I know it. The discomfort causes me to screech, to yowl, to scratch surfaces unaccustomed to rough treatment. My entreaties have had no result. Shall I contribute myself to what I abhor? If the winners offered a reward perhaps, but not under any other circumstance." The cat spoke thus and, no longer interested in the mouse god, removed itself from the scene.
The mouse god therefore squeezed into a hole and found a crack that led down, down to the core of the planet. It died there. Just as the cat understood, the godhead swelled and inspirited the entire planet. Getting rid of all mice has been an impossibility since then, for the world itself watches over them.
Finis
Saturday, February 4, 2023
An Overlooked Worldbuilding Detail
In most fantasy settings, the king should be the biggest guy in the realm. According to physics.
Friday, February 3, 2023
A Way to Continue Exploiting A Song of Ice and Fire
A musical. Is there one of those already? I should have looked that up.
A Good Size for Your Science Fiction Army
A billion again. You're a scifi author; you don't understand numbers.
Wednesday, February 1, 2023
A Good Size for Your Fantasy Army
A billion. What? This is fantasy, right? You have read the Mahabharata, right? On second thought, a billion might be a skosh small.
Addendum
Whether a cool guy counting down as a threat, the countdown to the end of the world, or an imminent celebration, nothing adds emphasis like something getting counted down. Try it today! In ten . . . nine . . . eight . . .
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