Genre Mysteries

Does fantasy have more trains than science fiction? If so, why? Do science fiction writers not like trains? My latest theory is that they're more likely to know people who really like trains, I mean really really, you know the ones, and that puts them off trains.

Request for Clarification

That is the new Legend of Zelda game everyone's talking about, right? A Link Between Worlds? Of course it is.

An Unrelated Note

I just finished A Link Between Worlds for the first time, and I didn't get the best armor or all the heart containers. Ask me anything. Wait, don't bother. I am prepared to confirm at this time I've been down with Zelda from the very start, but I do not in fact have the smarts to play the part.

Collection Impulse

Once, the gods spread across the world armor, a shield, a helmet, gauntlets, and a sword for the day when darkness rose and a hero went to meet it. However, the hero only needed the sword, so the other items were never found.
"Now I, Argurim, the king of collectors, will complete the set!"
The wealthy adventurer set out after making that bold proclamation. First, he and his retinue visited Lattely the City of Stamps, which was a bad idea, because he never left it. And so the divine panoply slumbers still.
Finis

Genre Conference

All right, speculative fiction was a bust, but we all know fantasy, science fiction, and alternative history are the same thing. What do we call it?

fakies
falsedy
simuldy
imago
imaginique
mindplay
fantasy

New Protagonist Idea

What about a guy who's up on his luck? This will revolutionize literature!

Q&A Corner

Q. What if the statue with jewels for teeth depicts someone with false teeth?
A. Fake jewels.
Q. What about a fake person?
A. Ancient runes that spell out "artist's depiction."

The Main Thing Star Trek Probably Got Wrong

A space cruiser should have its own band. Maybe they had that in some episode, but the point is, put a band on your space cruiser.

Etymology Corner

Did you know that we call land surrounded by water on three sides peninsulas because the English were too stupid to come up with their own word for that? It should be an almisland.

Prudence and Preparedness

A terrible evil long forgotten spread its wings of shadow over the city, promising a return of that endless, terrible night mankind thought dispersed long ago if even they believed it ever was. The citizens began to panic, but one had the presence of mind to run to the newly-installed corner phone. He checked the instructions again.
"Let's see. 'Pick up receiver in case of horror awakening from its ancient slumber. Describe the horror immediately. Do not wait for a response. Do not give your name or location. Seat the receiver when you are finished and seek safety.' Got it. Um. Some kind of demon. OK!" He slammed the phone back and took off.
Meanwhile, in the mayor's office, a light beeped. "Would you look at that? Looks like the public menace reporting system is already seeing use." The mayor chuckled. "I'd hate to be all those rumor-mongers who said the project was an avenue for corruption now. I can't wait to tell the CEO of the contractor that installed it for us."
"Yes, sir. His name was Morrison, wasn't it?"
"That's right," said Mayor Morrison. "Have we shot that thing down yet? I'd better call the governor."
Finis

The Next Crossover

Perry Mason vs. Perry Rhodan. By vs. of course I mean they have to team up to defeat the bad guy at the end, who is probably some sort of space district attorney. On a gigantic spaceship that serves as a circuit court. What a district attorney is doing on a circuit court ship is something for the eventual author to figure out.

Aliens Who Are Great at TV

The reason we haven't seen evidence of intelligent extraterrestrial life is that their TV shows are way to good for them to start thinking maybe watching somebody land on the moon would be a better broadcast. When you think about it, it makes us seem kind of uncreative, really. It would be more impressive if somebody had faked it.

Tiny Aliens

The reason we haven't seen any evidence of extraterrestrial intelligent life is that they're too tiny. A hula hoop is a Dyson sphere to these people. They think a thimble is an impregnable fortress.

Addendum

Maybe you should just do porn instead. Probably pays better.

Success in Marketing

Don't forget to have a bunch of porn made of your series before you publish it. And memes. And a wiki.

Big Aliens

The reason we haven't seen any evidence of intelligent alien life in the universe is that they're too big to fit in a spaceship. It's a real problem.

Mayvember Is the Month for Spooky Merriment

"Think we'll get a lot of scares, Durg?"
"Doubt it, Gevins. Mayvember is here, so everybody's steeled against it." Durg set about securing the connections between the two halves of the dragon costume. "But we'll scare the people who are ready to be scared, and they're the ones who matter. There."
But what was this? The joined costume fused together and absorbed the two young men wearing it by Mayvember magic! This was the birth of the invincible hero, Draconic King Gevidax!
"What's happening, Gevins?"
"I don't know, Durg! It feels like I've . . . like we've become a real dragon! Maybe we'll scarea few more than we thought."
Gevins and Durg mastered Gevidax's basic movement just in time, for when they returned to their village, the scaring had already begun! But not harmless Mayvember pranks. It was Ur-Sphinx Keptet that attacked! Fight, Gevidax! Rake the enemy, Dragon Claw! Roast him, Dragon Blast! The world's peace is yours to protect. Heaven's Anger Wyrm Sword!
Finis

An Alternate Earth

What if the land were sea and the sea land? Not enough water, for one thing. The Panama Bridge would still be pretty good.

Addendum

Actually those all lead to mechs. Pranked!

Turning Points in History to Consider for Alt History

Stamford Bridge
Jugurthine War
Ferdinand and Isabella (make both women)
Alexander the Great (dies earlier)
Alexander the Great (dies later)
Alexander the Great (still alive)
Isaac Newton (discovers anti-gravity; leads to mechs)
Christopher Marlowe (wins bar fight, becomes emperor)
Pyramids (much bigger; aliens show up)

Science Fiction Worldbuilding 2

Second question! Aliens? Third question! How good computer? Fourth question! What must a heart that loves justice do in this universe? There is no fifth question. Everything follows inexorably from the previous answers.

Science Fiction Worldbuilding

Here is what you have to figure out first in your science fiction setting. Do your spaceships land on planets or not? Some of you might believe you first have to decide whether there are spaceships. A prison cell is waiting for you.

I Used to Know This

What do you call that kind of magic that gets stronger the more autographs you have in your signature book? I can't believe I forgot.

Awakens the Scourge

Dread Aklakoth sits in his tomb, sipping his terrible tea. Once he slew hosts and threw down nations till he tired of it, for one crown is much like another under a heavy enough foot. There he will remain till some delver in search of ancient secrets and weapons of power unseals the tomb and enters, which is unlikely, because nobody even uses swords these days. He has a bow too, but competitions will certainly ban it if some scamp shows up with that thing. And so he sits, never to stir again.
"Do you really think there's an exotic tea interred in this ancient grave?"
"No, I funded this expedition because my wallet felt heavy. Hey, somebody got in here before us!"
At last dread Aklakoth stirs.
Finis

On Archery Terminology

Some people make the mistake of having archers in a fantasy setting "fire" arrows. They should of course "blast" them to "totally rock" the enemy.

Addendum

A blond human who is actually a dragon carries a golem hammer through the portal. What lies on the other side? A tyrant who's actually a transformed black hole, of course, but the point is, hammers are only a good weapon for a hero if they're really big, and I mean ultra huge.

Transform!

Obviously dragons can transform into people and civilian vehicles into intelligent robots, but don't forget to have spaceships transform into portals to another galaxy, golems transform into hammers, and dwarves transform into super dwarves (their beards change color).

Addendum

In Juneuary all sins are forgiven, but only if you make it that far. So try not to be murdered by Mayvember wildmen.

Happy Spooky Mayvember

People don't know about Spooky Mayvember, but they don't know ghosts are real, either. To say nothing of the vampiroids. Celebrate with some, I don't know, eat some flowers or something. Everybody's just killing until Juneuary anyway.

Ghost Attack!

You're under attack by ghosts! What do you do?

1) Pray
2) Punch (ghost)
3) Punch (person who got you into this)
4) Charge gauge
5) Talk (ghost)
6) Repent
7) Reveal ghost form
8) Show badge (ghost)
9) Absorb ghostly energies to reach the next stage of your plan