Startling!

Readers won't even believe this nonsense! Let's start!

Desert in the north!
Humans are the warrior species!
Elves . . . are bad?!?!
Dragons! Not such a problem!
The galactic empire is the good guys!
Aliens are technologically inferior to humans!
Trolls are smart!

Everything's been done before but tell your shills to claim whatever you do is totally original! Readers can't know they're supposed to be shocked if you don't tell them!

Joke Corner

"I thought he said tetra grammar town!"

Challenge of the Secret Poison

"Far, far, and far again to the east and the south, it is said, there is a tree that bears on its extraordinary branches fruit that will never produce another such tree, for there is and ever will be only one. The fruits instead are full solid and flash blue, shine red, and glisten green. No tunnels dug into the wealth-hoarding earth brings forth finer material for jewelry.
"That was the story as told for centuries. Make up your mind, call it true or false on those words alone, for the journey was too long and too deadly for any but the most death-courting of adventurers. And one there was, in time. He trekked over every river and forded every danger, reaching the other side with a bit less blood than before, but with every grain of his intrepid nature. He reached the tree that stood just as legends told, except the ones about circling manticores or a jealous witch. Nothing guarded its fruit. An ordinary man would have taken a load of treasure and left, but who of that sort would ever have made it that far? The adventurer plucked a ruby, bit into it, and died. The fruit of that tree is poisoned.
"And that was the poison used in this case!" Inspector Iagius declared, and as always, he was correct.
Finis

Addendum

The obvious conclusion is that if you're ever sent to another world and don't know what genre it is, a good start is to murder the first few people you see and find out what happens. Better hope it's not a detective story, idiot!

The True Difference Between Fantasy and Science Fiction

Likelihood of ghosts in fantasy: 60%
Likelihood of ghosts in science fiction: 15%

How to Insert Horror Into Fantasy

Add ghosts. Wait, no. Hold on. I need to think harder about this. Skeletons? Uh oh, this might be kind of difficult. Meaningful dreams? Dang it!

Addender

Or maybe in a fun way. Somebody figured out a way to replace the gold in a coin with a less valuable metal that turns out to have magic powers, such as turning people into guts monsters. That's fun for the people who get to play the PC98 game based on it.

Addendum

And not in a fun way.

Currency and Worldbuilding

When you're coming up with dumb names for your fantasy coins, remember that they're all debased. Every single coin.

Pioneer Concerns

Another historic day! Every day seemed historic, or rather, was historic. How could it not be in New Jericho, humanity's first city on another planet? The governor did a few stretches. He needed to be historically serious to deal with the momentous, era-defining task he had the unique opportunity to complete.
On his desk waited the first, no, the inaugural New Jericho survey. The colonists, chosen from a vast population by not only the examination board set up at the sponsors' request but also by their own daring personalities, had all been consulted as to the state of the city in every important facet. Beyond that, they were encouraged to write in the empty portion any items they believed to be essential for the city's prosperity that had been neglected to that point.
Governor Erle Drake sat himself down and read through the surveys, ebullient at first, then disconcerted, and at last positively discombobulated. "But . . . but . . ." His composure abandoned him just as he had left Earth. Dashing to the balcony, he yelled, "Who is it? Who thinks the most pressing business is . . . is . . . remaking astrological charts?"
"Me," a structural engineer passing below said.
"Same," concurred a nearby psychiatrist. "The stars are all different here, so, you know."
"I suppose!" Governor Drake clenched the railing and tried to expel the scorn from his words. "I suppose that next you would like us to establish a commission, for the purpose, of inventing, a creation myth for this planet! And its people!" The scorn was still there. "Oh, can we do that?" A crowd gathered below the capitol building.
"That sounds great!"
"I hope we get something more inspiring than a celestial egg."
"Can it have dragons in it?"
"Better be some incest. Not a proper creation myth without it."
"How about this for a start: once upon a time, matter was energy, and energy matter."
And so a commission was formed, and the governor lost a spoonful of enthusiasm. The next historic event corrected that deficiency, however. There was no shortage of those.
Finis

Sample Roguelit Names

Roger
Rogyr
Rauger
Rojer
Raujur
Rahzhurr

The Newest Narrative Techniques

All the cool kids are killing off the viewpoint character at the end of every chapter. The thrills! Plus the artistry of the writer is revealed in coming up with all those names. It's called Roguelit, and it's waiting for you!

Style Note

Anyone interested in fantasy will be reminded of the existence of beards merely by looking at an author. That's all well and good, but don't forget that mustaches used to be popular, too.

The Ideal Adventuring Party

A main character nobody likes
More experienced guy who doesn't seem to do any better overall
A woodsman with a secret
Girl

Stick to that and nobody will fail to be impressed.

The Essentials of Worldbuilding

1) A successful ruler everybody knows
2) An unsuccessful ruler everybody knows
3) A poem everybody knows
4) Sports!

Congratulations! Now it looks as if you put thought into your setting, which means it's time to stop. Nobody likes an overachiever.

How To Use Adjectives

The more the better. For instance, imagine something that's big. Your mom, for instance. Now imagine something that's most tremendous big. That can only be an aircraft carrier or your mom after Thanksgiving. But what's most awful tremendous big? The mind reels.

Pity Has Its Weight

The blessed rains cleared up in time for people to continue thinking them blessed. Even that blot could be seen, as occurred on only the clearest days.
"Ah, there's the city of the saints, watching over us as always."
"You're a fool, Sidim. That's the left eye of the Dour Navigator, looking for the right, and there's isn't too much that's benevolent about it."
Nothing suited people lounging in the street better than speculating or inventing stories about the dot in the sky, and nobody imagined his words would be taken seriously. That is, until that day when a stranger walked in who looked as if he had never heard speech less serious than a priest's at a coronation.
"It's none of those things. Better for me that it was, but no. That is the Sky Tomb. Listen to what I say about it. Once, this was centuries ago I suppose, but once, there was a man who gained everything by crimes and atrocities. Even saying his name is a curse, but I am cursed all the way through already. Orsarius was it, and when he died, wealthy and powerful, the ruler of a kingdom. It subjects were glad to forget its name. Only among men is such injustice allowed. When we buried him, the earth and sky both refused his wicked tomb. Now it stays forever between them, and we laborers walk the world, telling everyone of it. Someday, I am sure, the tomb will be destroyed. Then I will be freed. I am sure."
The stranger walked on, and none dared raise any doubts about his story. Most believing of all was Rimarin, who stated years later that was the day he decided to become a hero. And you do not believe me that ever men saw the Sky Tomb above them, ask Rimarin what he did there.
Finis

Who's the Narrator?

Ask yourself that when you write your story. Even if it's an omniscient viewpoint who isn't a character, is that viewpoint speaking to contemporaries of the story, generations to come, modern audiences, or what? Comparing something to a helicopter, for example, is definitely out of place for Drizzt to say, but not necessarily for the narrator. What kind of references would the narrator use, or what actions would he applaud or condemn?

Our Lawyers Suggested We Add This

It is not the position of this blog or its writers that anyone ought to invent a time machine and use it to commit crimes. Thank you for your understanding.

History Corner

Those guys didn't know nothin' about fingerprints! You could get away with anything!

Addendum

Submarines also.

A Science Fiction Reminder

Even in space, airplanes will still be cool.

Character Introduction Q&A

Q. How do I efficiently let readers know a particular character is famous within the setting?
A. Call him Famous [name].

The Zealousness of the Law

"Not a lot to go on at the scene, Inspector."
"Find out if he had a will and who inherits. I smell money in this." The inspector patted one tiny section of the dead titan's finely tailored clothes, far beyond the dress of an ordinary man. "We'll learn more when the autopsy is done. Doctor, when will that be?"
The man turned and shrugged. "Couple weeks."
". . ."
"He's really big." The doctor pointed by way of demonstration.

"So your theory is that the titan, saddened by how much trouble he caused by being huge, took his own life?"
"That's right, Superintendent," the inspector lied.
"Lot of that going around. I suppose the inquest will come to the same conclusion."
And it did, too.
Finis

Fighting Games

More like fighting lames! That's a pretty strange term, but most genre names are. Fighting games I mean, not fighting lames. The latter makes good, plain sense. They're more like duel games or sparring games, I would say if called to testify in court.

The Real Definition Corner

Fantasy: Stuff what ain't real with dirt roads.
Scifi: Stuff what ain't real with flashing lights.
Literary Fiction: Softcore

Definition Corner

Feudal: People will get mad at me if I try to define this.
Medieval: Not touching this one with a ten-foot pole.
Civilization: Absolutely not.

An Insightful Observation

Everybody worries about making stories post-apocalyptic when they should be reaching for most-apocalyptic. As for the insightful observation, there's no need to include any of those. Substitute fifty zombies and one explosion for each missing observation.

Modern Crossovers Are Really Something

Star Wars x Wheel of Time? I never would have come up with that one.