Literary Advice Q&A

Q. How do I show my main character's development?
A. Give him two swords.
Q. He already has two.
A. Take away one.
Q. What if he's an archer?
A. Give him two quivers. Then it's a reference, too.

Back to Goodbye Volcano High

But not really. Does its release herald the announcement of the Playstation 6? The prophecy has been fulfilled after all, and all promises kept. What other console can say the same? The Ouya? The N-Gage?

Let's Ignore Goodbye Volcano High and Think About Volcanoes

It's time for volcanopunk with molten everything unless it's obsidian. Obsidian cities with lava lamp signs. Wait, this is just cyberpunk again. Well, back to the cyberpunk mines, boys.

Royal Selection

The chancellor addressed the assembly. "The king is dead without issue, and we must select another who will rule wisely, justly, and bravely. Since we've never had a king like that and have no idea how to get one, we'll listen to arguments and vote on it. Yes, you can go first, Fernid."
Fernid the buyer and seller stood. "All know that I am the most prosperous in the kingdom because of my cunning and foresight. Make me your king that I might enrich the realm as a whole."
Heddick the judge stood next. "All know that I am the most learned in the kingdom because of my principles which demand I make fair judgments based on the law and the circumstances which surround the case. Make me your king that I might ennoble the realm as a whole."
Third, Yimnon the cooper stood and flexed. "All know that though my finances are middling and my education limited, I could beat up any of you and take everything you have. However! I won't."
His speech greatly cheered the people and persuaded them, for they did not know what Fernid or Heddick might do with power once given it, and moreover, they were doing excellent service already, while Yimnon could let his apprentices take over without disruption to his business. It was not an ambitious kingdom, and under King Yimnon, it stayed that way.
Finis

Tournament Edition

Every fantasy, science fiction, and romance book ought to have a spinoff about the characters in a fighting tournament. The exception is stories about fighting tournaments, which must instead have a spinoff about a cooking tournament.

Character Naming Method

Just open the Bible and put your finger on it randomly. It's a time-tested method. I just got "Looking for the Mercy," which is pretty fine.

Everything I Learned in Magic School Was Wrong Begins Now on Royal Road!

The newest fantastical ultra-story has started, and you can read it for zero dollars American. As for other currencies, I can't make any promises. Head on over to the place.

Mastery over all physical reality through magical rituals seems like a sure route to power and prosperity until you end up working regular hours and performing nothing but company-approved rituals. Commercial Ritualist Dirant Rikelta, fresh out of school, has to wonder what that point of his education was. Until he meets a god who lets him know the true purpose of his class, that is.

Science Fiction Design

A spaceship can have either a battery of moderately sized guns or one superhuge gun. Anything else will confuse and agitate the readers.

Another Cost-Saving Measure

Why don't we leave out all the words you aren't supposed to capitalize? Surely those aren't important. What's that? The title capitalization rules are stupid? Ha ha, what a thing to say.

Efficiency in Publishing

The next time you print a story, why not print a second story in those little spaces between lines and on the margin? It's good advertising and the consumer will appreciate it too.

The Consequences of Power

Mothers grabbed their children and fled when the man walked into town over the objections of the helpless sentries. A runner dashed through the streets and dodged the panicking subjects to inform his master of the disturbance and its cause.
"So, Growmaster Denphek is back? I'll go see what he wants." The man who controlled everything in the town laughed. He knew already. How could he not?
They met halfway between the entry and the palace. Neither hurried or tarried, and at last they confronted each other, again. "Well, Mivol."
"Indeed, Denphek."
"Now look, Mivol. I've improved my powers in every way. Urragh!" Denphek grew to triple his height, and every other dimension increased accordingly. He looked down on his enemy of so many years. "You know, I don't think there's much to be gained from our fighting over and over like this. I'm going to give up this worthless feud."
A bold attack, but of course Reflector Mivol sent it back. "Really I could have handled several things better myself. Then we have to think about all the bandits around these days. They're arming themselves with starswords, if you can believe that. This town needs more protection than I can give it."
Long after, Growmasters and Reflectors remembered that battle as the purest expression of what it means to grow and reflect.
Finis

Lunar Ruminations

Do moon maids have longer skirts because of the gravity? I think they probably do. Under those skirts: neon go-go boots. Man, the moon is wild.

Baffling Transformations

Your readers will see it coming if your castle turns into a spaceship, so fool them all by having it transform into a slightly different castle. The mystery is too compelling! That's what they'll say.

Another Redwall Question

Did the humans all go to the moon? They did, right? It doesn't really seem post-apocalyptic.

Redwall Question

Why do rats gotta be the bad guys, huh? Just look at this picture of one. It looks so . . . ergh. Ugh. Never mind.

Notes on Cuisine

Porridge? More like snorridge!
Fillet? More like get away!
Stew? More like boo!
Ham? More like scam!
Onion? That sounds all right. Just have everybody eat an onion. Big feast scenes are so Redwall.

Durabilitypunk

What was the last fantasy or science fiction story you read in which people kept breaking their weapons? It should be easy to remember, because it's the best you ever read.

The Undercard Was Better

Window Wizard and Number Wizard faced each other across the green. Only a few spectators had dropped by even though the duel had been advertised pretty well.
"You have no chance, Number Wizard. My magic is too strong and big."
"So what? My magic is many and opaque."
The rivals made those and many other boasts. The crowd, if it could be called that, which it could not, but the duke insisted, grumbled.
"When are they going to fight?"
"They're Number Wizard and Window Wizard, so just putting out an estimate here, never."
"Why did the duke set this up, then?"
Meanwhile, at the ducal palace, its lord reviewed his resources. "Once numbers go out the window, I can challenge the king. Ha. Haha. Mwahahaha!" If only he had paid more attention to his studies, he would have known wizardry did not work the way he wanted. Stay in school, everyone, and those of you long out of it, keep on learning in your free time.
Finis

The Difference Between Boats and Ships

Ships are what people will say about your characters, and BOAT (Best of All Time) is what you wish they would say.

Addendum

For even more realism, carry it over to the sequel.

How to Increase the Realism of Your Story

An eight-page sequence of somebody trying to get a pebble out of his shoe. He isn't sure it's a pebble exactly, but it's annoying, whatever it is.

Addendum

Researchers testing a bookt that shocked readers who liked the wrong characters were themselves shocked to have all the test subjects die.

The Future of Literary Psychology

Books that analyze you and give you the ending you want automatically. None of this adventure-choosing messiness.

The Even More Future: Books that give you the ending you don't want.

Words You Should Use More Unless You've Used Them Once Corner

puncture
fractious
cascade

The Ramifications of Cycles

Once a king heard the complaints of his subjects about disease and the spoilage of food. He wielded his royal might against the mosquitoes, the fleas, the rats, the foxes, and all the vermin in his kingdom. He hired hunters, drained marshes, built raised storehouses, and encouraged improved hygiene through a system of public baths. Everything that money and will could do, he did, and the subjects praised him greatly.
One day he had a dream. He was among the grasses, and they were taller than he, and when he met a mouse it was horse-sized, and all the insects and other pests that gathered around were large. Even stranger, they spoke.
"O king, our descendant, why do you persecute us? Do you not realize we are your ancestors, passing through the world again in these forms? What is a king without mercy, or what is benevolence that ignores the low as well as the high?"
This shocked the king. "You were once human? How can this be?"
"O king, all must pass through the forms he has earned. It is the same for you. You were a lion before, o king, and will be again, and many other animals."
The king bowed to them so low that his head hit the earth. "My ancestors, I honor you. But I ask, what of you? Why do you make my subjects ill and more hungry than their labor deserves?"
"Well," they said, "we are vermin, after all."
The king woke up, and from then on, he altered his policy. For every coin he spent before to battle the vermin, he spent two after.
Finis

Generational Differences

These days, if you say someone "gave the door a rap," people will think it means something totally different! They'll think the door is being framed! Which was done earlier or else it wouldn't function as a door! They'll be confused!

Moon Question

Would the terrestrial emperor live on the planet or the moon? I think the planet because of a greater ability to control important resources, but maybe the moon's moon iron is important enough to offset that.

Series Planning

When you're plotting out your thrillogy, make sure the second part is written in a smaller typeface so people are fooled into thinking it won't be long and boring (it is though). Then, in the third part, ACTION and at the end EVERYONE DIES including THE READER because of INTENSE EXCITEMENT.

Joke Corner

A sturgeon moon? Sounds kind of fishy to me! Blue moon? I'd be blue if everybody kept calling me a sturgeon! Super moon? Well I'm super duper with a big tuper.

Addendum

A stairway is the simplest method, but don't forget the rowboat, the elevator, or the high-angle catapult. Then there are more esoteric methods such as the Lunacy Mist or a powerful wish.

The March of Fads

Grummy: Statues with jewels for teeth
Yummy: Easy transit between the surface and the moon