Addendum

As for cubits, well, they sound related to geometry and thus are better ignored. We have to keep things simple and heroic.

Ranking of Weapons Appropriate for Your Fantasy Main Character

1. Sword
2. Bow
3. Comically Large Hammer
4. Dagger
5. Polearm
6. Ax
7. Razor-Sharp Hoop
8. Normally Sized Hammer
9. Whip
10. Spear

Secret twist ending: Now roll for which one your character gets.

Never Refuse the Call

An ordinary young person on an ordinary day woke up, showered, ate, the usual. Who knew, who could have imagined, that soon everything would change?

"Shouldn't everything be changing?"
"Should be. I had the mysterious package sent over to the chosen one as planned."
"Huh." The mysterious entity checked its watch. "Huh."

Hours passed. Soon that typical, protagonist-looking person would be thrust into a new life of danger and sacrifice, but also triumph and a lifetime of memories.

"Is this site ever wrong?"
"Not that I've seen."
"It says 'already delivered.' Well? Something should have happened by now."
"Some new heroes take things more calmly than others."
"No way. Maybe. I don't know. Should I go over there? I think I should go over there."
"That doesn't sound like all that mysterious a thing to do."
"We'll give it another hour then."

Elsewhere, the invaders met their match. "Who is this Earthling who opposes us, and how does he have equipment that allows him to resist our extradimensional technology?" They were forced back through their latest portal without ever learning the name of Arnold T. Porchthief, whose name answered both questions.
Finis