"Ready the Love Cannon," Vice President Perrault ordered. In all the explored galaxy, there were few rivals to Mackenzie Extraplanetary Engineering left, but zero is a handsome number.
"Sir, the remaining love isn't enough to neutralize the target," a nervous engineer reported. "We've used it all up!"
Perrault admonished the employee. "Don't get excited. That's why we began manufacturing little candy hearts. We should be distributing already."
"About that . . ." The chief warehouse and logistics officer had just entered, wiping her forehead. "There's been a snag with the first shipment to the principal megalopolis on Earth. There was a minor accident ahead of our trucks, and now the highway is blocked by emergency vehicles and lawyers."
As much as he wanted to get straight to the firings, the vice president prioritized the current situation. "You, engineer. Is there enough love left to vaporize some lawyers?"
"Sure thing, sir."
Perrault made an instant high-level decision. "Change the Love Cannon's target."
Finis
Showing posts with label thrilling space commerce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thrilling space commerce. Show all posts
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Monday, January 9, 2023
Those Who Forget
"Gentlemen! Between Mackenzie Extraplanetary Engineering's Love Cannon and Ad Astra Design's Friendship Accelerator, we're falling behind in a race we didn't know was being run. Good, clean business, the kind that made our Pan-Oort Services Consolidated what it is today, is no longer enough. Innovation is what we require, not just to stay even, but to stay ahead. Imitation won't do us any good, since all of us worked so hard to build this company that we lost our wives and friends."
The men around the table nodded and shed a few tears.
"There is, as you know, a power stronger than love. History. Just as we look through our old earnings reports when there's a dip today, all mankind finds strength in its past. That's why our engineers have developed the History Driver."
The men around the table applauded as the viewscreens showed the History Driver along with the crews working it, the sprawling exoplanet docks where several competitors repaired their cargo freighters, and the closest office of the excise people. The Driver began to fire projectiles across hundreds of millions of miles of space which tore through the hostile facilities at a constant rate as the crews loaded shell after shell.
"What are we using as ammunition?"
"Futurists frozen in the hope their brains would be thawed out, time capsules filled by bored students, books expounding grand theories based on little or no evidence that tell us more about their own era than the ones they hope to explain, transcripts of court cases that give insight into the laws and economic realities of past generations, paintings by the ancient masters, pottery made with techniques no longer understood, and that kind of thing."
"It sounds like people might want keep some of those things around."
"Yes. More than our own products. That's why we have to get rid of them."
The men around the table applauded again.
Finis
The men around the table nodded and shed a few tears.
"There is, as you know, a power stronger than love. History. Just as we look through our old earnings reports when there's a dip today, all mankind finds strength in its past. That's why our engineers have developed the History Driver."
The men around the table applauded as the viewscreens showed the History Driver along with the crews working it, the sprawling exoplanet docks where several competitors repaired their cargo freighters, and the closest office of the excise people. The Driver began to fire projectiles across hundreds of millions of miles of space which tore through the hostile facilities at a constant rate as the crews loaded shell after shell.
"What are we using as ammunition?"
"Futurists frozen in the hope their brains would be thawed out, time capsules filled by bored students, books expounding grand theories based on little or no evidence that tell us more about their own era than the ones they hope to explain, transcripts of court cases that give insight into the laws and economic realities of past generations, paintings by the ancient masters, pottery made with techniques no longer understood, and that kind of thing."
"It sounds like people might want keep some of those things around."
"Yes. More than our own products. That's why we have to get rid of them."
The men around the table applauded again.
Finis
Sunday, July 31, 2022
Thrilling Space Commerce
"Approaching the destination, Captain."
"Good. Put it on the viewscreen." Before the crew appeared a celestial body unlike any other, a thing of majesty and ancient rites no product of the modern age could contemplate without terror.
"The mummy planet," an officer breathed. The captain suppressed his irritation and spoke calmly.
"You are not to refer to Ferrande 4 as the mummy planet while on this ship," he reminded the crew.
"But sir! It's covered in bandages!" The officer pointed at the screen, as if none of the others had failed to notice the mysterious wrappings that covered every acre of the world and waved in the cosmic wind.
"And when our company's bid to replace those bandages is accepted, we'll all get a comfortable bonus. That will only happen if we don't offend the locals." The captain leaned back. "If there are any," he muttered, for even he was unable to deny his dread of the bizarre planet's secrets. He was, however, able to overlook it so long as there was a payout at the end. But was there? Find out in next week's episode, "It Turns Out the Mummy Planet Is Evil and We Have to Destroy the Core!"
Finis
"Good. Put it on the viewscreen." Before the crew appeared a celestial body unlike any other, a thing of majesty and ancient rites no product of the modern age could contemplate without terror.
"The mummy planet," an officer breathed. The captain suppressed his irritation and spoke calmly.
"You are not to refer to Ferrande 4 as the mummy planet while on this ship," he reminded the crew.
"But sir! It's covered in bandages!" The officer pointed at the screen, as if none of the others had failed to notice the mysterious wrappings that covered every acre of the world and waved in the cosmic wind.
"And when our company's bid to replace those bandages is accepted, we'll all get a comfortable bonus. That will only happen if we don't offend the locals." The captain leaned back. "If there are any," he muttered, for even he was unable to deny his dread of the bizarre planet's secrets. He was, however, able to overlook it so long as there was a payout at the end. But was there? Find out in next week's episode, "It Turns Out the Mummy Planet Is Evil and We Have to Destroy the Core!"
Finis
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