An Unconventional Form of Direct Subsidy

When every other method failed, the lonely subject of Huthany had recourse to the professional matchmaker. One suffering heart had a recommendation from no less a personage than Commodore Frangest. "Uncle Teddy's the one you want to see. New in the field, but has resources beyond most."
This person was not to stubborn to accept advice and therefore took himself to Uncle Teddy's store; the fact that such existed already impressed. A secretary, another surprise, took his name and entered the depths soon to be replaced by Uncle Teddy himself holding a sheaf of papers, a sight which astonished for several reasons.
"I see you completed militia service and are adequately tall. Excellent. I'll put you with someone nice and tall forthwith."
"May I ask a question?"
"Certainly."
"Aren't you, I hope this doesn't sound absurd, the king?"
"We are Theodoric IV, correct. Now I expect a pregnancy reported within eight months or else there will be additional fee for wasting our time."
"Your Majesty, why, I beg upon your mercy leave to ask a second question, why are you working as a matchmaker?"
"You noticed everyone's height in the militia of course. Nothing is more strategically important. Two inches taller at the minimum, three inches at the average, and no army on the continent will match ours," the king explained. "We are not unreasonable however. No penalty fee applies should your children fail to measure up. If, on the contrary, you produce acceptable army candidates, you will receive a bounty per head. It's amazing we can stay in business, but you'd be a fool not to take advantage."
"I do see that, Your Majesty."
Finis

Immortal Accommodations

"As for where we go after death and what we do, there is nothing but mystery," the wise man finished.
The listening king thought that over. "We are guilty of an oversight then if we, who have been sure to provide for our living subjects, fail to do the same for our dead. We must set off a park for them alone we will call "heaven" and furnish it. What do the dead like to have?"
Without any pause such as a less thoughtful man might have needed, the wise man said, "Your Majesty, it is universally observed that the corpse grows cold and hard. Unquestionably a warm bath would soothe them handsomely."
"Very good. We will have a warm bath put in and beside it, on tables, bowls of porridge easy in the eating."
All this was done, and soon the dead visited heaven, not only those of the kingdom but from without also. Even when the king imposed a fee on the foreign dead, that did not deter them. The removal of currency worried other rulers with the result that they forbade their dead the journey, but the people revolted over it. In the end they made their own heavens and each land had its own, and later each town as well, funded by its guilds.
Finis

Addendum

Similarly, while you could adjust the level or XP by the age of the candidate, why shouldn't age be an advantage? Unless there are age-based stat penalties, which there probably are. That means we have to consider stats etc. as well, making this an impossible calculation. Considering all this, it's no wonder everything in politics comes down to a fight in the end.

Power Scaling Question

Suppose you have a system in which different classes need different amounts of XP to level. In such a case, should the king's heir be determined by level or total XP? It's all well and good to say magic-users are stronger than fighters of the same level, but if they aren't the same level . . .

Social Events?

I've never attended one myself, but sometimes your characters might have to. Should such a dreadful eventuality arise, please consult the following table, your favorite chance-reflection implement at hand.

1. Wedding
2. Funeral
3. Baptism (local equivalent thereof)
4. Knighting
5. Measured observance of the outcome of a recent sporting event
6. Mass clemency offer on the ascension of a new ruler
7. THE GATHERING
8. Birth
9. A priest is gonna resurrect somebody? Don't see that every day!
10. Ritual bathing in the pool of the slain god to absorb powers (very likely the main character won't get any but then later it turns out he has the best one or can steal others or excels with wits or hard work, which is to say everyone else is incapable of figuring out how to open a door)
11. Important businessman's retirement
12. The sword dance (few survive the sword dance)

To determine who else will be attending the event, how about you come up with something on your own for a change? Sheesh.

The Puzzle at the Core

A kingdom once suffered from a terrible drought. The king sent a letter to the king of the moon, asking if he could see anything wrong with the weather from up there. The response suggested that the rainclouds he wanted were gathered around Mt. Hustis to the north.
The king went himself to investigate. The clouds there told him this: "We wish to continue on to your kingdom and other lands, but a strange creature asks a question of everyone who tries to pass, even us, turning aside those who get it wrong, as all do."
The king challenged the creature without delay, for at his side he had councilors wise in riddles.
"You wish to pass?" asked the beast, a terrible thing which had two hands, two claws, and two pincers at the end of its mighty arms, and four distinct tails beside. "Then give me the right answer. Where are my glasses? I can't find them anywhere."
"They're on that," the king said while pointing to a flat rock he had passed earlier.
"Oh, thank you. You may pass."
"I would rather the rains pass instead. But tell me, what is the use in asking clouds for help? They cannot see."
"Neither can they speak."
"Ah! That is true!" Starting then the king began to question the nature of the local clouds, leading to consequences unforseeable and widely felt.
Finis

Addendum

A few of those entries will need to be altered in certain settings. For instance, in a far-future interplanetary milieu, the judge may have invented the space piano.

Types of Circuit Judges

Seize upon your favorite randomization method and challenge fate!

1. Stern
2. Amused
3. Lax
4. Mage
5. Priest
6. Dragon
7. Secretly looking for something
8. Philanderer
9. The king in disguise
10. One of five mighty guardians animated by the country's founder
11. Impostor (conman)
12. Vampire
13. Forbidden to enter capital on the grounds of worrying popularity
14. Sports lover
15. Impostor (comrade on expedition fulfilling his dying friend's request to take his place rather than let that scoundrel have it)
16. impostor (supernatural being)
17. Tourist who resents all these cases that keep spoiling his travels
18. Rumored strongest swordsman
19. Collector
20. Inventor of the piano

Come to think of it, first generate a number to decide how many of these to use. They aren't mutually exclusive. Before that, in order to determine whether to include a circuit judge at all, consult the random official table, which does not exist. Here at least.

Paying the Mage Fee

Obeying the long-standing decree, every mage recognized by the realm save those currently abroad presented himself at the palace to enrich the treasury by one magical item. Fifth-rank mage Hufden handed over a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to receive an aura discouraging to flies for five hours, after which he returned returning home.
The next morning, he awoke to find the single chair near his bed occupied by a person who happened to be the king.
"Fifth-rank mage Hufden, what was that?"
"Well, Your Majesty, as commanded, an item 'proportional in power to the skill of the producing mage.' Wasn't it?"
"Either you are attempting deceit or else you yourself have no comprehension of your capabilities. Either is a great crime, detection of which is the point of the annual mage fee."
"Your Majesty . . . isn't the point to strengthen the kingdom?"
"Any policy possessing fewer than three sharp points such as a mighty trident has is unworthy of its proclamation. Now forget you heard that, for it is a lesson for rulers, irrelevant to the mage's lessons you have neglected."
Then began deep, assiduous study on the part of the mage overseen personally by the king or, when that august figure was busy, a strangely rare circumstance, the royal executioner. The next year, fifth-rank mage Hufden submitted a bronze frog whose tongue could be pulled in order to learn one secret of the swamps each month. He went on to destroy six armies on the plains of Yezniss, reduce a dragon to draconic extract, raise the Ninefold Bastion, and in general justify the assessment of the king, who knew little of magic but much of men, suitable priorities for his office.
Finis

Supply Problems

Sphinxes probably didn't reproduce but rather emerged from the footsteps of hero-kings, which is why we don't see any today. Once there are planet kings, the situation will likely reverse.

Battle Statue War Record

Year 1
"I have succeeded in animating a statue capable of replicating any human action while being tireless and hardy beyond flesh. Soon legions of battle statues will humble my neighboring wizard-kings, just so soon as I produce a sufficient force."

Year 3
"The quarrying is going well. My menial statues are superior to human workers when properly supervised. Of course I must hire competent supervisors, but money is easily at hand; a portion of the yield can be sold abroad."

Year 7
"By now, half the carriage drivers in the region are my statues, except in those city-states which prohibit them. Don't they know battle statues and the menial type are completely different? But then, how could they? Only I know the secret. Unfortunately, current designs lack the delicacy required for fruit-picking, but the stevedores are coming along excellently."

Year 28
"For now I have delegated governance and research in favor of training new sculptors, though I am unsure I will resume those pursuits afterward. My current interests lean more toward selecting personnel for the proposed branch offices and ensuring the materials for my new mansion justify the asserted prices. Lately I have had a feeling of neglecting some plan, but it would be more surprising if such were not the case. My conceptions are endless, and despite how the payroll has grown, I have never been busier. I can barely find time to add to this journal, let alone read it. Perhaps I should hire someone, but anyone competent is needed for a dozen roles of greater importance."
Finis

The Character of a Conqueror

"My councilors, I have decided to apportion my land among my sons. There will also be a little for my nephews."
"Your Majesty! If you split this immense empire you have created, surely the recipients will each try to attain the supreme position, to say nothing of envious foreigners who will grab as much as they can in our weakness! There can be nothing after your proposal but harvests of war and treachery."
The habit of the great man was to trust his own judgment. Those he had elevated to be his advisors said nothing worthless, and after directing his mind at the objection, he came to agree with it. "I almost made an absurd error. Instead of disposing of the empire in my will, I will divide it now, abdicate, and watch over the chaos. I might write a few poems about battles. The better ones."
Finis

The Expeditious Court

The minister approached the Great Decider with this problem.
"A space has opened in the Gold Bazaar. Which of these two merchants from the Silver Bazaar should be permitted there? One is of a respectable lineage and has never been accused of dishonesty. The other has faced complaints but defeated them; moreover, he contributed to the recent naval rebuilding." Saying that, he placed two tokens before the Great Decider, knelt, and waited.
A servant chosen for his muscle approached the Great Decider to give the thing a good spin. It revolved and revolved, at last stopping with the pointer on "left." The matter was decided.
"These decisions certainly go smoothly now," a functionary noted. "I wonder that anyone thinks a king to be necessary."
"But what if someday not just speed and impartiality but also perspicacious judgment is required?" his companion fretted, unaware how often a similar question occurred to subjects of kings with the sole difference that speed and impartiality made no appearance.
Finis

Against the Four Gates

King Ploutimos gathered up riches from his various conquests and stored them in his citadel at Hosses. He made no secret about it but rather boasted.
"And he who can win entrance can have the whole of it, but it will be too hard for any of you. For the wall has four gates through it. The northern is of iron and is guarded by Kyromedes whose helmet blunts every weapon. At the southern which is of bronze I have set Proimenos whose boots impart such deftness of movement that the ignorant swear he can fly. The west, which is silver, has at it the wielder of the dagger which when sheathed becomes coated in a poison that afflicts every man and monster equally, who is Phaimander. The golden gate to the east is defended by Archeuros, and to speak of him and his spear is useless, because none will challenge him."
The bold and the desperate made attempts on this gate or that, and many were the deaths and shameful retreats that resulted till Telephas son of Diophas came and laid Kyromedes low. He did not enter the citadel then but instead took the helmet and wore it against Phaimander, whose dagger then slew Archeuros, whose spear soon impaled Proimenos.
Even then Telephas did not enter but rather left Hosses entirely, saying he had no means to transport wealth where he had need to go, and that others might enjoy it as they wished.
Finis

Competition's Deepest Folds

The king proclaimed a commission with its purpose to determine how beneficial was every sport to the development of its participants with regard to the perfection of civil and martial life. Strength, obedience, adaptability, wit, numerical facility, all those were to be judged. Three superior sports would be encouraged by royal grants; banning was the fate of all the rest.
Five months later, the commissioners left their opulent homes, bought after their appointments, and met in the palace along with representatives for the various sports. They presented their conclusions, and somehow three of the sportsmen knew to smile from the outset.
The king nodded. "I congratulate the victors. Clearly you have bribed, colluded, and coerced. That is good, for my subjects must understand the world's ways. Your methods require improvement however. These others came to me directly. I have confidence you will excel in their sports, the only three henceforth permitted."
The disappointed representatives accepted the loss in a sportsmanlike fashion. As for the commissioners, they offered tournament prizes out of their wealth, not as a punishment but from their own inclination.
Finis

Telote's Saga

The custom of the kings over the Wilse was to invite to their weddings the hero Yitgand who had aided their ancestor in taking the kingship. Telait first ended the custom, saying Yitgand was surely dead as was everyone else who roamed alongside his grandfather's grandfather's father, and none blamed him for that except one.
For during the feast a man thrust himself into the hall who had greatness in both his stature and his age more than any could believe. He rebuked King Telait, saying that forgetting one man was nothing, but since he had remembered, he must have forgotten valor and honor instead. He then foretold that the issue of that wedding would be good for little, that it was a shame, and that it was no curse from him who was Yitgand but simply a sign of the age.
All went as he said. The king's son Telote's hands did not seek the sword or know what to do with one, nor did he have wit in counsel or speech. The king said he would reward the man who could rear him better. Yitgand came again, saying he doubted the result but had never shirked a challenge on that account. He had charge of Telote from then on.
Telait's son cast off his sluggishness and killed a hero shortly after, when he was twelve years of age. He followed that with countless deeds of bravery and open-handedness so that his enemies feared him more than shame while his friends were outnumbered only by men seeking his friendship. After he took the scepter from Telait's quavering hand he did still more. Every king whose ancestors paid the Wilse tribute did so again, and many were forced to it for the first time.
When Telote made up his mind to take a wife, he refused to bring back the custom, saying that he remembered valor well enough but disliked Yitgand for his harshness and odor. The wedding passed in peace. Yitgand said of it that the king's reasons were as good as any he ever heard and worthy of a bold man.
Finis

The Laws of Dead and Living

Who carried the grumblings of the owners to the king, and what was done about it? Taums it was, the son of Aums, and he told the king this, that the men of the kingdom had become few in number, not enough to see the harvest done, the farmers feared.
King Hadwis was not deaf but heard it all, not slow to war either but swift in it. He mustered strong men, as many as there were, to march on the underground kingdom. Who led the center? He did, proud in his armor and hard to look upon. Who led the right? It was Count Hemma, unbending and wise in war, the king's brother by oath. Who led the left? Count Kyvring led it, whose hall and whose riches were the greatest any had, but he disdained comfort when foes enjoyed life.
The host seized the caves that were the porch of that realm and dared to go farther. Count Hemma slew men that had horns and were huge, Count Kyvring overcame giants that killed three men by stamping once, and more than one hound of manly size learned the king was too strong for them. The slaughter was great on both sides, but more on the one, and the country below became the king's.
Hadwis made all submit and left them afterward in ownership of their land but under his law that never again should the underground steal away living men from their landly toil but only the dead that both countries might thrive.
Finis

Province of the Muses

A hundred earthly kings and princes convened for the concert of the musician, a legend though alive, who had returned from the divine court after receiving superhuman instruction. His first chord caused all to shiver.
After hundreds more, the listeners suffered not shivers but rather impatience. One among them, a crowned head known far and wide for his unwillingness to feign affection for the arts, asked how long this first composition could possibly be.
"Eight years," the musician answered.
Because of that, the earthly kings and princes understood what before they had only been told, that the things of gods are not meant for man. In their piety, they slipped away.
Finis

The Full History of the Goblin Kingdom

The goblin warriors took up arms when the invader came to their lair with the readiness of creatures who have no other occupation.
The trespasser, mighty in his arms but alone, bellowed, "I will slay the goblin king!"
The goblins, in their strange language, bellowed back, "We don't have one!"
"Don't know what it is!"
"Oh? Then I will teach you," the man said, and he was as good as his word. Delighted by his explanation, the goblins chose one to rule whom the warrior promptly slew before retiring during the royal funeral he had also explained.
The next day brought another assault, and despite their previous gratitude for his instruction, the goblins did not recognize the man who called out, "Today I will slay the goblin queen!"
"We don't have one!"
"Don't know what it is!"
Similar events followed, and when on the next day the warrior returned for the head of the goblin cardinal, the sole difference was the complexity of the explanation. After that came the chamberlain, then the marshal, then the head gardener, and so on. Each new position intrigued the goblins.
Months later, against expectations, a single man claimed the bounty for the eradication of the goblin tribe. Even less to be foreseen, his claim proved upon investigation to be true. In addition to the bounty, the lord made the man a baron under him, so impressed was he, and the new baron named his manor the House of Patterns Unrecognized in commemoration of his exploits.
Finis

Practical Kingseeking

Usually you can find out who the king is by being exiled for injuring him, but as reliable as that is, the time expended and the injuries required make this difficult without a large grant enabling a large staff.