Advent of the Skelemancer

"Allow me to state that, while I did not and do not object to this invitation, I do object to calling him 'the Skelemancer" for the simple act of having a skeleton walk around while on fire, as though that were some defining deed. Mobile skeletons are a common trick."
"Speaking respectfully, when did you try to set fire to bone before, and how long did that fire last, presuming you succeeded?"
"Oh. I was distracted by the less important part, and I rescind my criticism."
The Learned Fellows of Trijna resumed waiting for their guest in complete serenity. Neither the state nor the wait lasted long, for when Jumo i Zuza entered, the man who lately had gained a reputation as the Skelemancer, he had with him a companion startling even to those who thought themselves informed.
"Is that a crystal skeleton? What beast provided the materials?"
"Does this chill I feel have a physical element, or is it nothing but awe which causes it?"
"Learned fellows! I begin the lecture now. This is a human skeleton to which I applied the principle of hardening! I have proved to my satisfaction that this world consists of substrates and processes. Our system of elements is jumbled with some of each, but by experimentation we will reduce it to sanity. I have applied flame, a process, to bone, and replaced water with bone as the substrate for the hardening action which produces ice. And next . . ."
"Surely you do not intend to apply the motion of air to produce farting skeletons! What of dignity?"
Jumo i Zuza raised his arms. "There is no dignity in ignorance."
"This title of Skelemance, if anything, is insufficient for this man, a true Skelosopher!"
Finis

Addendum

If you want to be serious, just have it be Brundisium. That's the kind of place necromancers would like. Rome and Ostia are too busy for concealment of their horrible activities.

Here's What to Call Your City of Necromancers

"Bonedisium." It is farcical, naturally.

The Awful Potence of Humors

No matter how many times the mage-captain looked over the interior, it was undoubtedly a restaurant. Tables and chairs in front, an immaculate kitchen in the back, an office to the side, and everything just as laid out in the memoirs of a successful owner.
"That's wonderful, Mr. Karsask. I'm completely satisfied that you have reformed. To think the last time I came here, it was a lair of foul necromancy."
"Oh, I could never live in a place like that now, sir. I must have been suffering from insanity back then. But to make sure, you had better check the dishes." Karsask snapped his fingers and forthwith the staff brought out a modest three courses for inspection.
"I suppose I should . . ."
Karsask watched the mage-captain eat from over the man's shoulder. It wouldn't do for the inspector to see the terrible smile of the inventive sorcerer. He had abandoned blood magic, it was true, but only because he had discovered a new power, easier to replenish: Bile magic. Already the mage-captain's insides were producing energy being gathered by arcane contraptions below. Had he only realized, he might have said something about it to his superiors in passing, and though there was no law against bile magic, they would blab about it, and then competitors would start up, and what a hassle and squandered opportunity the whole thing would be.
Finis

Are Elements Good?

Sometimes I think any instance of fire magic should be replaced with bee magic, but other times I think there's no point pretending fire isn't impressive. Maybe the thing to do is fire, lightning, death, bee instead of trying to make earth magic something worth having.

The Heart of Necromancy

"Blast!"
The corpse dissolved into dust while the necromancer looked on, disgusted. His servant moved to clean up the mess, barely quelling his repugnance.
"Hurry up, servant. The experiments must be resumed right away. When I have combined zombies and ghosts successfully, at last the zombost will exist, with all the insubstantiality of the ghost and the stench of the zombie! Ahahaha!"
"Yes, master." The servant worked quickly, not because of the command but because of his own inclination to spend the least possible time in the experimental chamber. Even so, he paused at the door and looked back, mumbling, "How does he afford all this? Who would pay him?"
"You fool! I heard every word. Don't you realize I'm an employee of the city in charge of freeing up cemetery space? I've been commended for my work every year! Begone!"
That was how the servant learned he had been hiding his employer's identity for no reason. I hope we all learned a little something about honesty and, more importantly, government work.
Finis

Suffix Huffix

I don't know what a huffix is, but when you're attaching -mancer to things, don't forget about -urgist, not to mention -er, -or, and -wright.

Follow a New Path

The next time you write "alchemy," cross it out and write in "palchemy." Isn't that more pleasant for all of us? Erase the first three letters of "necromancy" also. Stop doing the same old thing, and do a slightly different old thing instead.

Punchline Corner

"Necromancer? I barely know her!"

The Newest Locked Room Mystery

In a room with no windows that is barred from the inside, a man and a skeleton are found. If that guy didn't raise the skeleton, who did? The detective begins his investigation.

Don't Get Any Ideas

Raising corpses is going to be ultra-illegal pretty much everywhere, you aspiring necromancers, you.