"Any sufficiently advanced technology knows the forbidden spell of destruction." - First Law of Wizard Mechs
"Any technology which does not know the forbidden spell of destruction is insufficiently advanced." - Corollary
Thursday, March 31, 2022
Tuesday, March 29, 2022
A Test of Intellect
Idiots: Technology and magic should oppose each other!
Geniuses: Mechs with wizard staves!
Geniuses: Mechs with wizard staves!
Q&A Corner
Q. What do solar systems and families have in common?
A. There usually aren't enough bodies in them.
A. There usually aren't enough bodies in them.
Monday, March 28, 2022
Fantasy Edutainment
"Seems like an easy case, Stovak."
"Are you kidding? I've never seen a more puzzling mystery in all my career. We've got a long road ahead of us, Drupil, and there's no doubt about that."
Knight-Detective Drupil looked around the scene. The victim, the signs of a struggle with blood and broken pottery all over, the open window, the zombie standing next to the victim. "Uh, how so? The zombie killed him."
"Impossible." Knight-Detective Stovak raised three fingers. "Remember the three laws of zombonics. One! A zombie never kills anyone onscreen. Two! A zombie will chew nearby corpses for dramatic effect. Three! A zombe will attack all living things it sees slowly and ineffectually."
"Right, right. Wait. It's just standing there. Does that mean it isn't a zombie?"
"Yeah. And maybe . . ." Stovak kicked the victim, who grunted. "Maybe this isn't a corpse."
"That just makes it a simple case in a different way." Drupil reached down and helped up the ersatz corpse. "It's great to find out you're alive, God-Steward Tuild. Wait. You aren't Tuild!"
"No," the zombie said. "I am." Dun dun dun!
"I can't believe God-Steward Wregil knocked out Baron Edrak, who was threatening him over his relationship with his daughter, and used Count-Magician Brunuil's experimental transformation magic to turn his rival, God-Steward Tuild, into a zombie so he would eat the evidence," Drupil marveled.
"Too bad for him that there's one thing he forgot," Stovak said.
"The three laws of zombonics."
"That's right, partner."
THE END
Next time, a professor of lichology is found dead after a ritual gone wrong . . . and Knight-Detective Stovak's old squire is accused of murder.
"I hate this theatrical series. You can always tell who did it because it's the most famous actor in the cast that week. Besides, only Itrenorn zombies act that way."
"You say that every week, Trumarl, but every week we end up back here."
"Yeah, but you know why."
"Sure. Who'd your brother-in-law play this time? The temple custodian?"
"Right. Hey Criuak, you were great today, and so on, and my sister asked me to bring you this . . . Criuak? Criuak!"
"I can't believe it! He's been murdered!" Dun dun dun!
Finis
"Are you kidding? I've never seen a more puzzling mystery in all my career. We've got a long road ahead of us, Drupil, and there's no doubt about that."
Knight-Detective Drupil looked around the scene. The victim, the signs of a struggle with blood and broken pottery all over, the open window, the zombie standing next to the victim. "Uh, how so? The zombie killed him."
"Impossible." Knight-Detective Stovak raised three fingers. "Remember the three laws of zombonics. One! A zombie never kills anyone onscreen. Two! A zombie will chew nearby corpses for dramatic effect. Three! A zombe will attack all living things it sees slowly and ineffectually."
"Right, right. Wait. It's just standing there. Does that mean it isn't a zombie?"
"Yeah. And maybe . . ." Stovak kicked the victim, who grunted. "Maybe this isn't a corpse."
"That just makes it a simple case in a different way." Drupil reached down and helped up the ersatz corpse. "It's great to find out you're alive, God-Steward Tuild. Wait. You aren't Tuild!"
"No," the zombie said. "I am." Dun dun dun!
"I can't believe God-Steward Wregil knocked out Baron Edrak, who was threatening him over his relationship with his daughter, and used Count-Magician Brunuil's experimental transformation magic to turn his rival, God-Steward Tuild, into a zombie so he would eat the evidence," Drupil marveled.
"Too bad for him that there's one thing he forgot," Stovak said.
"The three laws of zombonics."
"That's right, partner."
THE END
Next time, a professor of lichology is found dead after a ritual gone wrong . . . and Knight-Detective Stovak's old squire is accused of murder.
"I hate this theatrical series. You can always tell who did it because it's the most famous actor in the cast that week. Besides, only Itrenorn zombies act that way."
"You say that every week, Trumarl, but every week we end up back here."
"Yeah, but you know why."
"Sure. Who'd your brother-in-law play this time? The temple custodian?"
"Right. Hey Criuak, you were great today, and so on, and my sister asked me to bring you this . . . Criuak? Criuak!"
"I can't believe it! He's been murdered!" Dun dun dun!
Finis
Friday, March 25, 2022
The Case of the Gregarious Gangs
Perry Mason sits in his office, discussing the last successful case with Paul Drake and Della Street. Just then, Gertie sends in a client. She's a beatiful woman who tells Perry the city has been taken over by thugs. He accepts one dollar as a retainer, walks through the door, and starts trashing enemies.
Perry Mason: brawler.
Paul Drake: powerful strikes.
Della Street: fast combos.
At one point you smash the door into the courthouse. Hamilton Burger objects, but the judge wants to see where the defense is going with this. Both are unlockable characters. Or DLC, depending how things shake out.
Perry Mason: brawler.
Paul Drake: powerful strikes.
Della Street: fast combos.
At one point you smash the door into the courthouse. Hamilton Burger objects, but the judge wants to see where the defense is going with this. Both are unlockable characters. Or DLC, depending how things shake out.
Thursday, March 24, 2022
Wednesday, March 23, 2022
Thoughts on Dragalia Lost
As an expert in not playing Dragalia Lost, seeing as I only played the intro, I decided to explain its failure. Publish or perish, after all.
First, right from the beginning, the controls felt worse than similar games like Bleach Brave Souls.
Second, that intro gave the impression the game would be dungeon-focused, but when I looked in later, it seemed the entire thing was boss-in-a-box fights with a heavy co-op focus. The audience that wants more of the former feels deceived, and that which wants the latter will never know that game has it.
The biggest problem, however, is that it missed its aesthetic. It seems to me, a professor of not playing Dragalia Lost, that there's a triumvirate of aesthetic categories such that the successful mobile games hit one or two hard, which we will call Cute, Cool, and Coom. Games can touch on all three, but you can tell where its heart is. Granblue Fantasy is cool and Princess Connect is cute, for example.
So what's Dragalia Lost? It has those chibis, so it's cute, right? Not really. They don't have particularly cute expressions. They look like low-poly characters in an early Playstation game, as if their tininess were a technical limitation rather than a choice. Furthermore, they're being used to tell a pretty po-faced fantasy story about dragons and time travel. The music is cutesy, not cute. The difference is crucial. Maybe it's cool, but then, it's full of chibis and tubby dragons, not to mention pastels and slice of life type wyrmprint art are not the least bit cool, to say nothing of Euden's hair. It certainly isn't coom. The occasional bikini doesn't cut it. You need to hit different tastes and have a sense of the erotic which Dragalia Lost lacks almost completely. That's why it got so little fanart.
You can talk about this or that update or monetization all you want, but that only matters if people play it in the first place. Dragalia Lost's numbers were disappointing from the very beginning. I contend the primary reason was the lack of aesthetic appeal, although of course some people liked it a lot. Plenty of stuff I like also isn't popular, so I know how it is.
First, right from the beginning, the controls felt worse than similar games like Bleach Brave Souls.
Second, that intro gave the impression the game would be dungeon-focused, but when I looked in later, it seemed the entire thing was boss-in-a-box fights with a heavy co-op focus. The audience that wants more of the former feels deceived, and that which wants the latter will never know that game has it.
The biggest problem, however, is that it missed its aesthetic. It seems to me, a professor of not playing Dragalia Lost, that there's a triumvirate of aesthetic categories such that the successful mobile games hit one or two hard, which we will call Cute, Cool, and Coom. Games can touch on all three, but you can tell where its heart is. Granblue Fantasy is cool and Princess Connect is cute, for example.
So what's Dragalia Lost? It has those chibis, so it's cute, right? Not really. They don't have particularly cute expressions. They look like low-poly characters in an early Playstation game, as if their tininess were a technical limitation rather than a choice. Furthermore, they're being used to tell a pretty po-faced fantasy story about dragons and time travel. The music is cutesy, not cute. The difference is crucial. Maybe it's cool, but then, it's full of chibis and tubby dragons, not to mention pastels and slice of life type wyrmprint art are not the least bit cool, to say nothing of Euden's hair. It certainly isn't coom. The occasional bikini doesn't cut it. You need to hit different tastes and have a sense of the erotic which Dragalia Lost lacks almost completely. That's why it got so little fanart.
You can talk about this or that update or monetization all you want, but that only matters if people play it in the first place. Dragalia Lost's numbers were disappointing from the very beginning. I contend the primary reason was the lack of aesthetic appeal, although of course some people liked it a lot. Plenty of stuff I like also isn't popular, so I know how it is.
Farewell to Dragalia Lost
I don't really have anything to say about it, but attention must be paid. I can't believe they didn't put Link in it. It had more collabs with Capcom games than Nintendo. Come on, fellas.
Monday, March 21, 2022
Terror of the Black Hole
"Watch out, Perry! The black hole will pull us in if we continue on this course!"
"So?"
"Huh?"
Perry lounged in the ship's cabin, one arm dropping over one rest, his eyes half-closed. "What's the fuss about that, Randy?"
"It's a black hole."
"And?"
"And that's bad."
"Oh?" Perry's head rolled till he could look straight at Randolph, his co-pilot. "Have you ever been in one?"
"No. Nobody has."
"Exactly."
It was an exploration ship, after all. Most of a mile of sensors, thrusters, reactors, and provisions for the two pilots confined to the single cabin investigated anything that seemed worth investigating. Not black holes. Everyone knew what those were.
"Don't we know what those are?"
"No more than we do about the rest of this stuff. We have telescopes. We have unmanned probes. We're out here to make sure."
"Yeah. OK. Yeah. Punch it."
The two pilots regained awareness in a vestibule. They remembered nothing about leaving their ship, but there they were.
"Well, Randy? How was it?"
"I don't even remember. Let's go through that door, maybe find something to report."
Perry eased open the smaller, presumably interior door, and saw chaos. Unimaginable chaos. Aliens with six arms hung from two or three chandeliers at once, a line of dancers with anywhere from three to eight legs each kicked up its many heels in time with the bouncy intergalactic band on the anti-gravity stage, and partiers carried on all over the floor, the walls, the transparent ceiling, and every surface of the room above visible beyond it.
"I admit that I'm a little surprised," Perry said. "Isn't there a fire marshal around?"
"Ha!" A mass of crystal which had extended part of itself into a single gigantic arm for holding a keg vibrated in amusement. "Nobody like that could make it in here. This place is for cool guys and gals only. Like you two. How do I know you're cool when I've never seen your species before? Because you're here, that's how. Come on in!"
Perry and Randy grinned at each other. "Don't mind if we do."
Finis
"So?"
"Huh?"
Perry lounged in the ship's cabin, one arm dropping over one rest, his eyes half-closed. "What's the fuss about that, Randy?"
"It's a black hole."
"And?"
"And that's bad."
"Oh?" Perry's head rolled till he could look straight at Randolph, his co-pilot. "Have you ever been in one?"
"No. Nobody has."
"Exactly."
It was an exploration ship, after all. Most of a mile of sensors, thrusters, reactors, and provisions for the two pilots confined to the single cabin investigated anything that seemed worth investigating. Not black holes. Everyone knew what those were.
"Don't we know what those are?"
"No more than we do about the rest of this stuff. We have telescopes. We have unmanned probes. We're out here to make sure."
"Yeah. OK. Yeah. Punch it."
The two pilots regained awareness in a vestibule. They remembered nothing about leaving their ship, but there they were.
"Well, Randy? How was it?"
"I don't even remember. Let's go through that door, maybe find something to report."
Perry eased open the smaller, presumably interior door, and saw chaos. Unimaginable chaos. Aliens with six arms hung from two or three chandeliers at once, a line of dancers with anywhere from three to eight legs each kicked up its many heels in time with the bouncy intergalactic band on the anti-gravity stage, and partiers carried on all over the floor, the walls, the transparent ceiling, and every surface of the room above visible beyond it.
"I admit that I'm a little surprised," Perry said. "Isn't there a fire marshal around?"
"Ha!" A mass of crystal which had extended part of itself into a single gigantic arm for holding a keg vibrated in amusement. "Nobody like that could make it in here. This place is for cool guys and gals only. Like you two. How do I know you're cool when I've never seen your species before? Because you're here, that's how. Come on in!"
Perry and Randy grinned at each other. "Don't mind if we do."
Finis
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