The Character of a Conqueror

"My councilors, I have decided to apportion my land among my sons. There will also be a little for my nephews."
"Your Majesty! If you split this immense empire you have created, surely the recipients will each try to attain the supreme position, to say nothing of envious foreigners who will grab as much as they can in our weakness! There can be nothing after your proposal but harvests of war and treachery."
The habit of the great man was to trust his own judgment. Those he had elevated to be his advisors said nothing worthless, and after directing his mind at the objection, he came to agree with it. "I almost made an absurd error. Instead of disposing of the empire in my will, I will divide it now, abdicate, and watch over the chaos. I might write a few poems about battles. The better ones."
Finis

Oft Overlooked Tendency in Pre-Modern Societies

In most times, in most places, and in most stories, people gave or exchanged presents. Often. Even when they maybe shouldn't have, what with all the curses and such. When writing fantasy, try to remember the last time one of your characters gave another something.

De-Archaisizing

I bet if you throw "erst" in, people will get what it means. I'm starting to think "erstwhile" was a mistake altogether. Let's look for more words of that type to use and stand out thereby.

Technology Defeats Itself

In the future, we'll be able to play different sports on the floor, ceiling, and walls of a gym simultaneously, but we won't have to because of the practically infinite room available in space. This is only one example explaining why we don't do everything we could, but it suffices to teach the inherent tragedy of the human condition.

Upcoming Job Opportunities

Soon we'll all have productive work throwing pails of water on people to simulate rain in ships and colonies so that we don't succumb to space madness. Innovators will get ahead by finding ways to get people to sneeze during terrestrial allergy season and rig sirens to play during simulated night.

The Hardships of Life in Space

During the clothes-drying hour, the station will have to spin really fast, which will disrupt ongoing backgammon games, not to mention the near-constant touch football required to stave off muscle deterioration.

An Everyday Incident, Oddly

A man with hopes was hurrying along the road, but not with such hurry that he continued under the sudden rain. He found a shed at some distance from which he might wait it out, apologizing to the owner for any mess silently and remotely.
From the half-open door he could see the road and far beyond, then the road, then little at all, so thick was the rain and so dark the clouds which made the day a second night. Therefore he doubted he saw a company march down the road opposite his former direction; he doubted, but he shrank back and closed the door by a quarter. He was not so disturbed that he stopped watching.
He doubted even more his interpretation of what succeeded, for he thought that the figures (to call them "people" seemed a presumption) produced shovels or trowels and dug into the road, whereupon one brought forward a sapling and set it there. The figures joined in patting down the upturned soil though the road was paved. They then stood back.
The sapling grew swiftly into a full tree, or something with branches, and the figures waited under those branches, arms upstretched, save for one among them who withdrew a few paces. Above the waiting planters, nuts grew, and then the nuts were swords, and then the swords fell to impale the figures below. But not the one who withdrew; to him the tree bowed. The lone figure stepped forward, removed something from the crown of the tree, turned, and returned up the road. Behind him, the tree bowed lower, touched the ground, and dissolved.
The man, hopeful but not audacious, did not stir till the clouds cleared, or for a time after, but everyone must see to his own affairs. He went on. When first he came across another person, a local he supposed, he wondered whether to inquire about the scene. A decision however was unneeded, for somewhere in his manner or voice as he greeted the local was cause for the latter to smile and ask, "You've had a time, haven't you? Was it the tree, the procession? Else?"
"It may have been a tree."
"Ha! That's the right way to put it."
The local passed by, laughing. Perceiving he intended to say nothing more, the man tried to continue the conversation but had this as the response. "No, it's good news! Good news for you, be glad, but you have to keep going!"
The man did reach his destination. There he did receive the position he hoped to have. Whether the scene during the storm was a portent he never knew, though he thought on it from time to time.
Finis

The Future of Valentine's Day

This will be the day when the reproduction chambers are activated. It won't be terribly romantic, but you'll be far too dead and replaced by a conditioned ultra-citizen to care.

Mapmaking Tip

Draw it in crayon so people will assume your niece did it and not be too critical or think much about distances.

The Universe Offers Up the Unthinkable Without Cease

A new Brigandine? No, really, Brigandine? Brigandine.

Chuckle Corner

Q. What do you call a space vampire who has mastered the dodo magic?
A. Knew I the true name of so foul a creature, already it would have been consigned to destruction!

Addendum

Unless dodo magic facilitates travel between worlds of course, which, upon reflection, it almost certainly does.

Big Idea Fantasy

How about this: In another world, the dodo still exists! Probably not for long, though. Our world doesn't even have dragons, recently, and look how well that dumb bird fared.

Far-Flung Valentine's

"Ladies and gentlemen, our company has beaten everyone to the finish line by successfully developing the world's first Super AI, which is to say, an AI that's good for something."
"Was that a responsible allocation of resources for a holiday-centered confection and gift concern?"
"You will presently see that it is. Valent AI, calculate how to make our general-distribution chocolate pieces even worse."
"Please hold during computations. All computations finished. Can't be done. Good night."
"Wait a moment, Valent AI. You're one of us now, and we don't accept defeat. We never would have grown from a single van into the lucrative, socially conscious enterprise we have now if we did. Try again."
"Fine. Please hold. Computing. Computing. All right. As I said, it can't be done with materials available on Earth. This perfect recipe calls for ingredients from other planets. The closest is fifty-six light-years away. I know that isn't enough to get you to stop bothering me, so I anticipated your next command and invented a faster-than-light propulsion system: Valent DrAIver. I recommend building it somewhere people won't mind losing in the event of difficulties. Good night."
"Thank you, Valent AI. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen."
"I must say It seems implausible."
"No, no, the lowest tier really is that bad."
"But it's good for you! Because you won't eat much of it."
"In that case, I accept the necessity of developing an interstellar empire to degrade our product line."
Finis

Mobile Urban Fantasy

So in spaceships so large they have internal cities, do you think each has vampires and werewolves and such, or just one kind each? It would be easier for a secret society to keep control over entry, but on the other hand, they might not care as much, especially if they can combine their abilities to resist alien infiltration.

Addendum

The kart racing gaming you immediately thought to include is better saved for a separate product sold at participating bookstores (free with purchases above a certain amount). Yes, it will have online multiplayer, and yes, it will be bad, but don't miss the battle mode!

Missing Opportunities

Another Nintendo Direct Third-Party Gamestravaganza has gone by, and still there's no collection of every fantasy and science fiction book published in the past year on a single cartridge. Maybe they're still figuring out what to do with the rest of the space, even though it's obvious: Coloring book.

Addendum

The Tier 0 option, involving being sent scraps the purchaser has to assemble into a book, may well become the most desirable owing to man's perverse nature.

Collectible Book Feature

Tier 1: Book is signed
Tier 2: Book is signed by author
Tier 3: Book is signed by better author
Tier 4: Book is signed and rewritten by better author

A Contemptible Industry

Board games are released with all these chits and miniatures these days and we expect people to buy a book with no add-ons, not even a detachable map and character dossiers like G.I. Joe. No wonder the people have given up on literacy.

The Expeditious Court

The minister approached the Great Decider with this problem.
"A space has opened in the Gold Bazaar. Which of these two merchants from the Silver Bazaar should be permitted there? One is of a respectable lineage and has never been accused of dishonesty. The other has faced complaints but defeated them; moreover, he contributed to the recent naval rebuilding." Saying that, he placed two tokens before the Great Decider, knelt, and waited.
A servant chosen for his muscle approached the Great Decider to give the thing a good spin. It revolved and revolved, at last stopping with the pointer on "left." The matter was decided.
"These decisions certainly go smoothly now," a functionary noted. "I wonder that anyone thinks a king to be necessary."
"But what if someday not just speed and impartiality but also perspicacious judgment is required?" his companion fretted, unaware how often a similar question occurred to subjects of kings with the sole difference that speed and impartiality made no appearance.
Finis