Megastructure Punchline Corner

"Dyson sphere? I thought you said dicin' sphere!"

Important Announcement

For all of you waiting for the kind of coverage of that new Harry Potter mobile game only to be found here, forget about it. They didn't ask me to be in it, so that's that. But just wait for the Baldur's Gate 3 review! There probably won't be one, but there's still time.

Characterization

Make sure to give your characters hobbies and interests such as model trains. This is for fantasy. In science fiction, replace that junk with long descriptions containing phrases such as "tidal-locked." Nobody has time for space chess when there's speculation about genetic optimization of luck to drop on the page.

Addendum

Would it be gauche for the card game to have dragons in it? Humans don't see it that way, but you know how dragons can be.

The Next Evolution of a Venerable Art

Riding dragons is pretty cool, but what if you played a card game while you did it?

An Age of War, an Age of Sport

The ball shot into the net. "Way to go, Zujarn! We're gonna smash those uptight snoblins tomorrow!" The rowdy goblins hooted and high-fived one another, but what was going on in the equipment tent into which a shadowy figure slipped?
The scrying mirror dimmed. "That's what the monsters are getting up to ever since we helped the hero defeat the Monster Kaiser who controlled all of them with his dark magic?" asked the warrior Breskam of his old colleague, Yesdo the sage.
"It seems so. I'm as surprised as you are."
"Hmph. At least they aren't getting up to any real trouble." Breskam crossed his mighty arms. "Do you want to keep watching? I do."
"I can't take my eyes off it," Yesdo admitted. "I worry for my future." Despite his worries, he again activated the scrying mirror.
Finis

Addendum

"Lord CHUMPSANY is at the bookstore again to buy an elf book . . . He doesn't know about [YOURBOOK]!!!" The lady at the counter looks bored and has a thought balloon saying, "I hope that guy who bought [YOURBOOK] comes back next month." Meanwhile, there's a swirly arrow pointing toward the guy's crotch and in crayon there's a message: "Looks like these tights aren't hiding much!"

Everyone Knows This but Nobody Does Anything About It

Novels won't become truly popular until they have a bunch of magazine ads that insult the reader and have people wearing sunglasses. Other authors and publishers must also be assaulted. The clumsier the innuendo the better.

How Do We Reimagine King Arthur for a New Generation?

A knight is out fighting, but then when the super-monster comes out, it flashes to Camelot where Arthur looks up and throws Excalibur all the way to the battle. The knight picks it up and wins. This happens most episodes, but there's a two-parter where Excalibur is stolen to name a sample exception.

Addendum

Upon reflection, since he fights the Green Knight early, Gawain is probably the Red Knight. That clears that up, but I wish it hadn't been canceled. We never even got to see the invincible robot King Orknaurer.

Hopeless Sequels

When is Gawain going to fight the Red, Blue, Yellow, Pink, and Black Knights, anyway? Wait. Hold on. Is Gawain the villain?

Character Roster Warning

If you want your story to be turned into a live action movie or television series, don't put any kids in it. Not ones with lines, anyway.

An Empty Throne

A traveler once went off the road searching for shelter at an off-road cost, and there he discovered a seat that could only be called a throne for the size of it and the luxuriousness.
After looking around in every direction to reassure himself there was no enforcer of etiquette, he sat in it. Immediately a castle appeared around him, and servants, and guards who, far from removing him from the seat, asked what duchy he wanted punished. Expert musicians, and as for the food, that had no less skill put into it. Satiated, he stood up to take care of a sudden need.
His castle vanished. He looked around again, wondering where went his kingdom. Finding no sign of it, he stared at the throne and wondered at its power. That done, he went on his way, "For I am a traveler," as he said to himself.
Finis

The End of Yu-Gi-Oh

More like stink summoning!

June's New Name

Pre-July.

Dragon Cunning

Sometimes dragons pretend to be people, but what about pretending to be other dragons? Think of the legal complications.

Addendum

With holographic covers, to take something from other collector-rich markets.

What Fantasy and Science Fiction Can Learn From Mobile Games

Release special summer editions of every book in which all the characters are wearing swimsuits or other summer-related wear.

Capcom News

No new Ace Attorney. That is all.

Seven Years Week by Week

The pane fell to the ground and burst apart as if it never had more solidity than a lake of dreams. One of the workmen, Amdin, stared in shock. Urkan, the other, laughed.
"That's seven years for us, Amdin!"
"This was magic glass, not a mirror! We're in a lot of trouble here! We'll be lucky to get off with seven years of bad luck!" Urkan's laughter cut off. "I didn't say anything about bad luck."
"Huh?"
"Amdin. We have seven years to train to defeat the demon lord who was sealed in that glass."
"Huuuuuuh?"

Week 1
>Train
>Job
>Quest
>Rest
>Go Into Town
>Options
>System

"Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?!"
Finis

Addendum

"space tenor"

Altos and Tenors and Whatnot

Will the people of the future discover a new one? Will they genetically engineer people with different vocal chords? The answer is yes, by the way.

Addendum

I want to be totally honest and say I'm feeling pretty good about "mudstation." That one might actually be usable.

I'm Tired of Existing Vocabulary

From now on:

arsenal -> weaponarium
spaceship -> spaticlass
spice -> foodup
quondam -> just get rid of this one
planet -> mudstation
torrent -> runneroo
fury -> furiotas

Addendum

Gems of Shannara

Ages of Waiting

When is someone going to turn the Shannara series into a Match 3 game already?

Aerial Selection

Once, people ran from every strange shape, for it was always some monster or fiend. The most mysterious, it is said, was a great bird, if it could be called that, for it was larger than any bird or barn and never flapped its wings but only held them in different positions. Moreover, it did not cry on its constant travels. It only looked down, and if a bird could sneer, it did.
It passed over every city, every village, the farms and shacks too each in its turn, and when a visitor from abroad came it came without fail to investigate. At first the people feared it as much as the manticores, gargoyles, harpies, and all the other dreadful enemies of mankind, but as it never killed anyone or hauled away a cow, they came to feel reassured when it passed overhead, much as when they caught sight of a neighbor hard at work. Some began to offer prayers they hoped it would carry to better places.
Then one day a traveler arrived, firm of hand and step. The great bird saw him and without hesitation entered a dive, and all were shocked who saw it save for the target alone, who unsheathed his sword and cut apart that ranger of the skies with one blow though it seemed impossible given its size. Yet the bird split cleanly into two, and inside it was empty and bloodless. And one among them who was the oldest and wisest advised the traveler to go inside.
He did, and pulled the two halves together, and they joined together as if never cut. The bird then soared straight up to take the battle to heaven which a host of demons had conquered, and for once mankind hoped.
Finis

A New Dawn for Science Fiction

We've decided to call it Techno Romance from now on, so update all your folders.

Addender

A train between planets, like a space elevator, but slightly longer. What happens during the trip? A murder.

Addendum

Maybe trains are as futuristic as they're going to get, and therefore unexciting. No, that can't be it. There must be trainy days ahead.