Like the Seasons, the Trends Are Ever Changing

Trash: Main character has a butler
Smash: Counting down

Setting the Mood for the Year

"It's the Year of the Minotaur, everyone!"
That pronouncement kicked off the new year. The crowd tried out some initial partying, a little hooting and a bit of gyration that promised to develop into dancing later. Before that, however, the king requested details as to what was to be celebrated. "What is the outlook for the Year of the Minotaur?"
"This will be an excellent year for bodily health and eating people. Pregnancy is highly recommended."
"That sounds familiar. What was the last year and its outlook?"
"The Year of the Cyclops, which was most propitious for healthy sheep and eating people."
"The year before that?"
"Oh, what a fine year that was. The Year of the Sphinx. It will be a long time before you have a better chance to solve problems and eat people."
"Very good. What I wonder now is when the year will not favor eating people, of whom my subjects happen to make up a large number."
The priest shrugged. "Hard to say. There's a lot of monsters out there, so the chance of one of them coming up as opposed to a less people-eating creature such as a rabbit, well . . ."
"I see." And so the king and his brave warriors set out and killed all the monsters that eat people to take them out of the rotation.
Finis

The Popular Taste

Suppose you have your main character travel around with his butler, but the readers at home tell you the setup is too stuffy. What do you do? Add a team of cheerleaders, of course. Keep the butler. Audiences today demand more.

I've Got a Feeling

It's going to be a minotaur spring this year. There's something in the air. Milk maybe.

A Fantasy-Based Proposal

Let's change February to Feb'uary. That R isn't doing anything anyway.

Addendum

"Q" and "A" in the previous post stand for Quentin and Adam, of course.

The Rules Are Simple

Q. Can my main character have a head maid instead of a butler?
A. No. A head maid alongside a butler is permissible however.
Q. But I really want a maid and not a butler.
A. Have you considered having the butler be a woman in disguise?
Q. Fantastic!

Adaptation Corner

The Way of Kings: vertical shooting game
The Crystal Cave: 3D platformer
The Eye of the World: horizontal runner
The Swordbearer: Dynasty Warriors

The Whig Theory of Entertainment

Behold, the future! Look at that couple, both in perfect physical condition. If you had a way to check, which our technicians most certainly do, you would find flawless genes as well. Eugenics? No, just a few therapeutic sessions.
Where are they going with such sure strides? A restaurant no doubt, you say as dwellers in the past. Not at all. Food became too delicious. Everyone wanted to do nothing but eat. Food is now banned. To a movie theater then? Those all shut down after the perfect movie was made twenty years ago. Everyone owns it for private viewings in their private theater setups, which are superior in visual and audio quality to the professional establishments of the past. To a comedy club for a few laughs is your next guess. They exist, certainly, as do comedians. Those are no longer allowed to tell jokes. Too many audience members laughed till they died.
So where? There is one thing, friends from the past, that we still have not quite got the hang of. Yes, it's just what you think it is: cyberpunk! Cyberpunk novels, cyberpunk TV, cyberpunk games, cyberpunk resorts, and cyberpunk radio dramas are all alive and kicking, and they will continue to be allowed to do so as long as they never actually predict the future or get good.
By that we mean, of course, future good. By the standards of your day, those entertainments are without exception fantastic. So, people of the past, we encourage you to keep looking forward . . . to the future!
Finis

The Best Science Fiction Predicts Future Social Trends

And that's why I'm telling you right now that people will say "Bonanza!" as sort of a slang thing. If not, that's how we'll know humanity took the wrong path. Perhaps we should reset this world to zero.

Addendum

The internet sent it over. Never mind. There aren't problems in the world anymore.

The Lonely Cry of the Last Man

Everybody's getting engaged except me! Where's my eighteenth entry depending on how you count in the classic tactical RPG series Fire Emblem?

32 Years Later

As we prepare for the release of Fire Emblem: Engage, let's take a moment to reflect that Fire Emblem is a weak title. They should have called it something tough, like Langrisser or Black/Matrix. But now it's too late.

Dungeon Upgrade

Rotating dungeon

Title Rework Corner

Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones? Not in this day and age. Fire Emblem: Double Trouble! is what we'll call the remake. And while we're at it, let's change Fire Emblem to A Song of Horses and Wyverns. It's more marketable and more honest, a rare combination.

A Perilous Exchange

Fear of invasion was the result when communication ended with the first alien civilization encountered by humanity. Labeled Intelligent Extraterrestrial Lifeform 00001 by the authorities in an excess of optimism and wunners by regular people in need of a shorter name and aware of the impossibility of pronouncing alien words, that species seemed open to peaceful relations. A few exchanges of foods and goods took place.
But then, silence. Military preparations were made even as expeditions went out and found cities empty but not silent, for power hummed and automated factories operated. For all the world it looked as if an entire interstellar civilization had stepped out for a bite to eat.
And such was indeed the case. An expedition at last found a wunner, perhaps the last of his species. This was what he told them. "These peppers you guys grow are too spicy. We can't handle it."
The expeditionary captain scratched his head. "Then . . . don't eat them? I prefer milder flavors myself."
"Nope. Too delicious." The wunner bit into a New Iberia Space Reaper, the third-hottest pepper in the galaxy, and died instantly with a look the xenobiologists confirmed to be pure culinary pleasure on its face.

"That story's stupid. You're just trying to cover up humanity's conquering impulses." The middle schooler crossed his arms, his umbrage caused more by having to go to a dumb museum than by the fate of the wunners.
"What's going on across the street, if that's true?" A passing historian pointed. A wunner shot out a diner with the spiciest meal on the menu in its hands and a bunch of customers on its tail who scrambled to save it from itself. That snotty kid never lived that one down.
Finis

The Hottest Word of the Month or So

Be sure to use "lambent" in your story so we know you're cool. It's a given that you are, but sometimes we like to be able to appreciate it.

Increasing Sales Through Titles

Bad: Malazan
Better: Bonazan
Best: Bonerzan

Who wants to read mal books? Give me the bon books!

Turn Everything on Its Head

Instead of having a future man with a robot butler, why not have a future robot with a human butler? What do you mean, that doesn't sound like an improvement? Write the rest of the story? No way. That's your job.

Miltary Rank Q&A

Q. What about the lower ranks?
A. Oh no! I forgot!

A Fictional Rank Structure

Sometimes our ranks of today sound too Earth-centric and too, quite frankly, French. Try this arrangement instead.

Major
More Major
Big Major
Bigger Major
Biggest Major
Major Mostest

2023's Biggest Subgenres

Soporific Fantasy and Soporific Science Fiction. People already use audiobooks and tedious regular books to fall asleep, so let's optimize the process. It isn't as easy as it seems. If your book is too consciously boring, that in itself becomes interesting. Plus, people will put it down instead of struggling to read it, their eyelids closing involuntarily, the same sentence read five times in a row.

Those Who Forget

"Gentlemen! Between Mackenzie Extraplanetary Engineering's Love Cannon and Ad Astra Design's Friendship Accelerator, we're falling behind in a race we didn't know was being run. Good, clean business, the kind that made our Pan-Oort Services Consolidated what it is today, is no longer enough. Innovation is what we require, not just to stay even, but to stay ahead. Imitation won't do us any good, since all of us worked so hard to build this company that we lost our wives and friends."
The men around the table nodded and shed a few tears.
"There is, as you know, a power stronger than love. History. Just as we look through our old earnings reports when there's a dip today, all mankind finds strength in its past. That's why our engineers have developed the History Driver."
The men around the table applauded as the viewscreens showed the History Driver along with the crews working it, the sprawling exoplanet docks where several competitors repaired their cargo freighters, and the closest office of the excise people. The Driver began to fire projectiles across hundreds of millions of miles of space which tore through the hostile facilities at a constant rate as the crews loaded shell after shell.
"What are we using as ammunition?"
"Futurists frozen in the hope their brains would be thawed out, time capsules filled by bored students, books expounding grand theories based on little or no evidence that tell us more about their own era than the ones they hope to explain, transcripts of court cases that give insight into the laws and economic realities of past generations, paintings by the ancient masters, pottery made with techniques no longer understood, and that kind of thing."
"It sounds like people might want keep some of those things around."
"Yes. More than our own products. That's why we have to get rid of them."
The men around the table applauded again.
Finis

Star Ocean: The Divine Force

More like Translation: Is Bad, am I right here fellas? Mayhap inserting a couple old-timey words and phrases here and there doth ill serve us all, expecially when it's somebody like Theo who speaks with disarming casualness. You know, Japan does have a past. People there can talk like samurai or Heian court officials if they want. So if they don't, take that as a hint.

Addendum

More likely, the murderer planted the 3 to discredit the victim's ability to come up with good numerals.

The Problem with 2023

3 is the worst numeral. So unsightly. It's like the guy making it stopped halfway through. Maybe he was murdered. What a mystery!

Addendum

Or is it power that you lack? Do you desire power?

New Year Resolution Reflection

If it isn't to avenge your master, either he's still alive, or you're lacking in virtue.

Acclimating to the New Year

I'm so far behind, I'm still writing checks!

Ring in the New Old Year

Subjects across the city prepared for the famous spring festival, which struck travelers as odd.
"But they leaves have fallen," they objected.
"Yes, well, the reason for that is . . . ah. There it goes again."
The bells, the criers, the streamers ejected from the palace towers all proclaimed the new year had arrived. By order of the blessed suzerain, a day of celebration was declared to honor Year 528 of the Era of Measured Anticipation.
Travelers heard all that with puzzlement. The subjects sighed. Inside the palace, officials remonstrated.
"Your subjects enjoy the increased holiday frequency, but . . ."
"Your resolve to keep your resolution to offer all thanks to the gods and never give way to pride is admirable, but . . ."
"Our neighbors are making fun of us! We're falling behind in social and technological progress!"
The blessed suzerain frowned. "That does not sound credible to us. Regardless of the calendar, the incentives toward innovative scholarship we have implemented surely—Wait. Ring the bells again."
The officials groaned, but the blessed suzerain's will was done.
Finis