Thrilling Space Commerce

"Approaching the destination, Captain."
"Good. Put it on the viewscreen." Before the crew appeared a celestial body unlike any other, a thing of majesty and ancient rites no product of the modern age could contemplate without terror.
"The mummy planet," an officer breathed. The captain suppressed his irritation and spoke calmly.
"You are not to refer to Ferrande 4 as the mummy planet while on this ship," he reminded the crew.
"But sir! It's covered in bandages!" The officer pointed at the screen, as if none of the others had failed to notice the mysterious wrappings that covered every acre of the world and waved in the cosmic wind.
"And when our company's bid to replace those bandages is accepted, we'll all get a comfortable bonus. That will only happen if we don't offend the locals." The captain leaned back. "If there are any," he muttered, for even he was unable to deny his dread of the bizarre planet's secrets. He was, however, able to overlook it so long as there was a payout at the end. But was there? Find out in next week's episode, "It Turns Out the Mummy Planet Is Evil and We Have to Destroy the Core!"
Finis

History Corner

Did you know . . . that shoes were not always divided into left and right feet? But the power elite wants to split us apart so we never realize our strength and topple it.

Addendum

Or a fictional narcotic. Or kind of drink. "I'll have the Brass Lizard '84." No, probably some kind of siege engine. "Sir, they're hauling up the brass lizards!" Yeah, that's it.

Clarification

The brassard is not to be confused with the brass lizard, which is a torture device, probably.

An Example

"The man's brassard marked him as a member of the Power Elite, the foremost thaumamarchs on the continent."

The Latest Keyword

Be sure to insert "brassard" into your story so everybody knows you're cool.

On the Future of Political Science

Theo straightened up, smiling. The sunflowers were coming in nicely. They looked as close to the pictures as anything he had ever tried to grow, not counting pictures of bombed-out battlefields. Things were looking up for the old lawnissimus.
He was still watering when the government shuttle pulled up. Sleek and dark, made entirely from one-way translucent material, the vehicle stopped on a penny's small change right in front of Theo's standardized domicile.
A man stepped out with a tablet in one hand and a universal surgical device in the other. "You have been reassigned to District 77509. Where would you like your ID chip?"
"Oh, uh, I think there's room under my left armpit. Ouch! Thanks. Why was I reassigned?"
The official answered as he did his paperwork, sans paper. "You know how we developed the ability to detect human happiness remotely?" "Yeah, sure."
"And reconfigured our political system to choose representatives based on happiness directly instead of by proxies such as voting or riots?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, naturally we started new-style gerrymandering the second that happened. And at a house-by-house level, too. You're a little too happy for District 77498. Larson has sufficient approval as it is. All right, done. Have fun in your new district."
"I'm sure I will." Theo waved at the departing shuttle.
Afterwards he discovered some weeds in his backyard. A government shuttle drove up five minutes later.
Finis

Addendum

The final stage is no warships at all. Your cybermaturgically enhanced warriors fight in the void unaided.

Deep Science Fiction Musings

Space strategy games usually start you out with small warships and make you work your way up. I bet it would be the other way around.

Has Anyone Done This One Yet?

Diablo Importunate

An Example

"You gotta spin out that clingety to spin axles, 'ceive?"

This means, "You perceive, do you not, that I demand to be paid money in exchange for employing my coach in carrying passengers?" A common statement rendered immersive and invigorating by the appropriate terminology.

Proper Terminology

What not to call money if you're trying to sound fantasy-y: Coin.
What to call money if you want to immerse people in your amazing fantasy world: Clingety.

Imagine Being a Rare Is Complete

The latest, hottest story about the characters of a mobile game jockeying for status in a milieu where nothing matters is done! You can read it for free on Royal Road, which is the correct decision to make. Much better than playing a mobile game or reading anything else. There are gags, hijinks, numbers that go up, and even a plot and characters for the snobs to enjoy. What could be better?

The Case of the Suspicious Syrup

Saccrus lifted a small bottle out of the case. "Take a look at this, if you would." He placed it on the table where the overhead light emphasized how dark and pure the liquid inside looked. "Oh no, none of that," he said, snatching away the bottle when his prospective customer, Liddramnus, reached for it. "They say a single taste of Yggdrasil syrup will satisfy a tongue for a week. I don't believe that myself, but I can't risk my business, can I?"
"I suppose not. No, I quite see what you mean." Liddramnus held his hand over the table and released a string of coins, then another as Saccrus beckoned, and a third. He hesitated before the fourth, but he let it go like a wonderful summer when fall arrives.
"Right, that's it. Everybody out." A man rolled out from under a couch against the wall, another popped out of the decorative sarcophagus, and the chandelier lowered from the ceiling to disgorge the two police officers hiding within its bowl. Neither the buyer nor the seller had any chance to escape that press.
"Well, well, Saccrus, selling counterfeit Yggdrasil sap? I'm shocked at you." Inspector Iagius grabbed the bottle, opened it, and tasted. "Yes, no doubt there. This tastes decent. The real stuff," he addressed that to Liddramnus, "is about as foul as anything you'll ever taste. And there's lots of it, too. Big tree, you know. Cheap as anything, should be. But people just can't help themselves when it comes to name brands."
Custos Falgunus chimed in. "That's why the duties are so heavy. Anyone stupid enough to buy it deserves to be impoverished a little."
"No point moralizing with these gentlemen. We won't see them again for a long time. Hustle along, fellows." The police marched out the pair of future convicts who pulled their coats over their heads to avoid shame, but everyone would know who had been nabbed. Rumors were always true when it came to that.
Finis

A Bold Literary Statement

Genres have no inherent value. "Oh, but it's satire!" That doesn't mean it's good.

The New Era of Social Commentary

We've had satire, we've had allegory. What's needed now are books that aren't like anything at all. "You mean magical realism?" That's just what cowards call fantasy. "You mean LitRPG?" No. Getting better at things is far too realistic. "You mean books where the character motivations don't really make any sense, and you think at first it's just to serve the plot, but there doesn't really seem to be much of a plot?" That's right. Complete literary decadence. Once we're bored with that, we can think about writing good books again.

Fantasy Map Tip

Before you start sketching out the plates and wind patterns of your world, ask yourself this: "Does this world even have this junk?" Advice about fantasy maps always starts with denying the fantasy part, which is sometimes desirable but not always.

Answer and Question Corner

A. Encumbrance.
Q. How can I make players have less fun?

Addendum

Once there was a lizardman prince who lay on rocks for only nineteen hours a day. He became the greatest lizardman hero of all time.

The Characteristics of Nonhuman Races

Do lizardmen just lie on rocks for twenty hours a day? I bet they do.

To See the Future Is to Conquer It

The astrologers claimed the world would change, that the heavens would treat them differently, and the great king listened. He thought, he mused, and he pondered till the gods spoke to him.
He commanded a great work. The cleverest designed it, the wealthiest funded it, and the strongest carried it out. For years blocks were cut, hauled, and set in place so that above the groaning plain rose the pyramid, the answer to the certain prophecy.
When the work was done, the great king himself ascended to the very apex. None of his counselors did he permit there to attend him. He waited, he waited, and he waited.
Then, at last, clouds gathered and for the first time gave the land snow. And the great king was the first of thousands to sled down the pyramid, which was so rad he had it written on pillars in order that all who read of his feat throughout the ages might know how totally sick it was.
Finis

Addendum

I hope the secret isn't just that he's strong. That's boring.

Organic Trends Are Smelly

Out: Sand magic.
In: A woodsman with a secret.

Q&A Corner

Q. What would a country without a strong naval tradition call spaceships?
A. Starwagons.

Sixth of July

And now, world government. You don't need to do anything about that, but stocking up for the following total breakdown in civilization might be wise. Though insufficient.

Fifth of July

All right, fun's over, time to kneel to the queen again.

Fourth of July

See title. But also, remember that people will still be barbecuing in space, unless the dystopian future government stamps it out.

The Projceleb List

Alfred Bristow walked into the airlock, or rather the lobby. Department C had attempted for the entirety of his tenure there, and surely before that, to persuade employees not to call it the airlock. One hoped its other projects saw greater success, as indeed they did when Bristow was in charge of them.
"The Unassuming Gentleman is inside," the secretary directed. Bristow nodded, walked into the office, and took a seat. There was indeed an unassuming gentleman inside. Bristow had of course learned the man's name long before, but feigned ignorance on that point. No need to make things awkward, he reasoned. For himself. Besides the man, there was unassuming furniture and objets d'art, the exact amount a comfortable man in a comfortable position would have. A difficult calculation given the ready availability of every possible item in every possible material.
"Modern industry is wonderful, wouldn't you say, sir?"
"What in the world are you talking about, Bristow?" His superior turned around and harrumphed. "We need you to focus on this one. It just came down from Department S. They're hopping mad over there. It seems their database of newborns projected to become famous has been stolen."
"What's the motive?"
"We're operating under the presumption the thieves intend to take pictures of the babies to sell in thirty, forty years." "Well, that's hardly a crime, is it?"
The unassuming gentleman tapped the papers on his desk. "What's important is that said database is absolutely vital for the Department S eugenics program. It simply cannot be replaced."
Alfred Bristow leaned back. "Eugenics program, sir? I never knew they had one of those."
"Yes, well, they like to keep inputs and outputs separate. Get on it, would you?"
"Yes, sir." Bristow rose and left.
Finis

Frequently Asked Questions in a Parallel Dimension

Q. Can sand magic control time?
A. Can cartographers control geology?
Q. They can in this parallel dimension.

Now That This Is a James Bond Fanblog

Hey how about that latest James Bond news? That there isn't going to be any? What do you think about the fact that it takes them longer not to make a movie than it used to take to make one? That they take three times as long to make products that are zero point eight two times as good? That nearly the entire entertainment industry has suffered some kind of silent cataclysm and can't get it together? They can't even make Star Wars games, and Amazon accidentally gave hundreds of millions of dollars to a couple nobodies to make Silmarillion fanfiction. What happened?