The Struggles of Writing

If you give anything in your fantasy or science fiction world a name half as dumb as haberdasher, everyone will laugh at you.

The Hat Festival

You think the hats we wear are vain frippery, do you? That we ought to have plain wool to cover our heads and nothing more? Let your elders explain to you where you have erred on this, the day of the hat festival.
Once upon a time, when the world had not quite settled in, the sun found itself discontented with its daily journey across the sky for this reason, that the scenery varied little from trip to trip. To relieve its boredom, the sun had recourse to a plan it thought sure to succeed, which was asking the creatures of the land to alter the appearance of their topmost regions, a request all would embrace, the sun believed, on account of their reverence for the celestial disc that made life possible.
It first approached the lions, whom it favored for their golden majesty. "We will not cut our manes or muddy them or dye them either, for we are proud of them," the lions said, and heeded the sun not at all, nor did other hairy beasts respect it more.
Next it beseeched the aurochs, whom it favored for their weight and respect for customs. "We will not trim our horns or shape them, for we have need of them as they are and do not think much of change in any case," the aurochs said, and all other horned beasts said the same and refused the sun's request.
All other creatures scorned the sun as well until finally it asked humans, whom before the sun despised because they hid their heads from it. "We will act in this way, o lord of the sky, that we will design all manner of head coverings and change them regularly, both individually and across entire societies, hoping the variety might please you." The humans kept their word and found such favor with the sun they became the rulers of all other creatures so that the beasts which scorned the sun had cause to regret what they had done, especially the aurochs.
Finis

The Sociology of Space Colonization

On Mars, the internet
Is different.
They don't have pictures of cats.
They have pictures of Mars cats.

Speaking of Familiars

You can put a tophat on a bull and no one will make fun of you. They wouldn't dare.

The Latest Trends

Out: Sexy fortunetellers

In: Familiars wearing tophats

Worst Lost Continents Day 45

Atlantis doesn't have any fantastical animals or a unique pantheon either. It's just cities of boring drowned people.

Worst Lost Continents Day 15

Orichalcum is hard to spell, too.

Three Treasures

When Aren's three sons met in a field to divide his inheritance among themselves, it was not only one another they found but also something not there before, a sword that was sharp indeed and finer than any they had seen in their young lives. No hand was on it and the field was their father's, so there was no question but that one of them would take it.
"I am the oldest, so it is mine by right," said the oldest brother, Oren.
Tyren, the middle brother, disputed his claim. "This sword is nothing of our father's, so that it must go to you is no sure thing. Rather the strongest of us should take it, and I am he."
The youngest brother, Wiren, made his case. "You, brother, are the oldest and you, brother, are the strongest. I admit all that. Therefore I should have the sword. Oren will have the lands and Tyren will have his mighty arm, and what will I have? I need the sword most of all."
"Strike me down if you have not said something full of reason and justice," Oren said. "I will let you have the sword with this understanding, that the first treasure you win with it must go to me and the second to your brother. All later treasures you win will be yours."
Tyren assented as well, so Wiren took the sword and went out into the world to make three fortunes. First he considered what treasure would be best for his oldest brother and came to the surest conclusion in the world, that what a landholder needs is a wife. The best woman he knew of who had no husband was Agrani daughter of Agrawald the king, so he went to his court.
Agrawald was the mightiest king there was and the cruelest. His daughter went unmarried because he slew any suitor who came to her, but not only that, he slew any other traveler he saw as well, sparing not even children or priests. He tried to slay Wiren as well, but the sword Wiren held cut well and made two half-kings of him and everyone was glad at it, his daughter most of all.
Wiren called for his brother and told Oren this. "I won a treasure for you, brother, but I hope I did not do wrong, since I think you must have the whole kingdom if you take Agrani as your wife, for the king is slain." Oren did not balk at the condition but instead told Wiren he judged the debt of the sword fully paid as far as he was concerned.
Next Wiren pondered what treasure was best for a middle son and settled on an answer justified by long and prosperous usage, which was a ship to make his living. He asked around to find out what ship men thought was the best and learned it was the one Pethred had built. He went to that man and asked for his ship that was long and stout and sailed without a crew and had this for his answer.
"I fashioned this ship for one purpose, to take me over the raging ocean to Tolngley, the unknown land of wonders. If you come with me and guard me on the way there, I will see that you come back with the ship in your care, for I will not return by that method."
Pethred set out with Wiren and no other crew, and on the way a terrible creature attacked the ship with flailing tentacles. Wiren cleaved every tentacle as it came near and filled the deck with monstrous, wriggling limbs. Bereft of arms, the monster had no choice but to let them pass. Wiren returned a long time later with the ship and stories of the fabled land of Tolngley where things are different. Tyren took the ship and listened to the stories as well, and made a great fortune by courage and trade so that he considered the debt of the sword fully paid.
Wiren then bethought himself what treasure there was he should win for himself, but decided nothing in the world was so good as what his brothers had. He therefore practiced the arts he learned in Tolngley and refined them further until he made treasures for himself and filled the world with wonders, so that even today we call only the greatest of crafted things wirenworks.
Finis

Worst Lost Continents Day 2

Plus it lost a war to Athens. What kind of continent loses a war against a city and some outlying villages?

Worst Lost Continents Day 1

It's time to count down the worst lost continents to use in fiction. This could take months, so gird yourself and get some lemonade.

Number One: Atlantis. It wasn't even supposed to be real, for crying out loud.

Ruin and Renewal

It's easy to criticize but hard to improve, and nobody around here plays on easy.

"In the name of Grayskull, I have the power!"
"By the power of Grayskull, I seize victory!"
"By the power of Grayskull, my will is supreme!"
"By the Grayskull power, the power has me!"
"By the power I have, Grayskull is power!"
"By Grayskull, what power this power is!"
"I have power, by Grayskull, and the power to use it!"

Select your favorite from the preceding list for use in your He-Man fanfiction about a new character who also gains the power of Grayskull and is definitely you.

The Last Realization of a Dying Man

"Come to think of it, 'By the power of Grayskull, I have the power' is a terrible stock phrase."

Codeword

Include the following word in your next fantasy or scifi bestseller so we know you're one of us: "Frantic."

Q&A with a Famous Author

Q. What made you start writing?

A. I wanted to write Harry Potter fanfiction.

Q. I see. And how would you describe your novels now?

A. Disguised Harry Potter fanfiction.

Enduring Legacy

The inhabitants of a mature civilization can see when the end has come. So it was in Ponnetia when barbarians were at the gates, stars streamed to the ground far from their usual course in the celestial river, and the prophecies made at the very beginning all came true one after another to herald the end. The Ponnetians in response did what they knew had to be done.
While their artificers forged keys for their superweapons in the shape of animals or the sun divided into three, diggers buried potions and ominous diary entries. The stasis chambers contained every monster the military could catch while roboticists considered designs for mysterious girls. The gigantic statues with mechs inside were worth every penny, and also pennies and other coins were spread around and placed in chests. A strict quota for secret passages was established for every mine and castle, and any region without one or the other was soon relieved of the deficiency.
No civilization has ever been more satisfied with its own accomplishments in its last days, though any diary page or audio log saying so failed to make the cut. There were some things the people of the future had no need to know.
Finis

Historical Accuracy

When putting together your setting, remember that medieval cities mostly didn't have skyscrapers or movie theaters.

Q & A

Q. My profitable series has reached its conclusion. How do I keep making money?

A. Start a new series starring the main character's nephew.

The Latest Trends

Out: Clumsy maids

In: Sexy fortunetellers

The Key to Success

Deploy as many cliches as possible. Oh, but people are tired of cliches, they say. Why are they tired of them? Because they keep reading books with them.

Basics of Writing

It is crucial that the main character be above average height, otherwise readers might think the author is below average height.

Writing Strong Characters

Worried your characters are weak? Add five pounds at a time and see what happens.

The Tyrant and the Philosopher

Rarely is a philosopher's confidence in his own doctrine so genuine and deep as to allow him to proclaim to a tyrant what he thinks of him in his very presence, whatever he may say about the immortality of the soul or otherwise. That sincere feeling illuminated the palace of the tyrant Kratymachos as much as the sun itself ever did when the traveling philosopher Sophagoras accepted his invitation and made a speech.
"You have enriched yourself at the expense of your people's property, their lives, and what is more their very happiness, which would have done you more good than a five-hundredth talent of silver which will buy you nothing that the four-hundred-ninety-ninth would not while costing more, for the last coin a man has is worth more than the first in every case. The reason is that the last coin may buy bread as easily as the first, but after the first there is the second while after the last there is hunger and death.
"But what should be of more value than even the last coin is the ruler, who ought to be a guardian of the last coin and of the bread it can buy, and of life and of happiness and of piety. What is most repulsive in the tyrant is this, that the very qualities needed to be a guardian are the ones he needs to be an effective despoiler, so that the worse the tyrant, the greater the guardian we can see in him, just as the most dangerous poisons are acclaimed by doctors for their ameliorative capabilities.
"It would be better for you to rule better, for as much as the people suffer under you, far more than that will you suffer in the torments of the afterlife, if I do not go wrong in mentioning them to a man who may believe in nothing more than his own power, far more will your name be dirtied by the true report of the crimes you have committed, and far more will your children suffer when they are left nothing by their father but resentment and ill repute after the people take back from your corpse and treasury what you robbed while you were capable."
Rarely is a tyrant's confidence in his own position so firm as to provide him relief from the fiercest invective of renowned philosophers and allow him to respond with serene and measured words, but so it was that the tyrant Kratymachos informed his guest he would have a response that might cause him to reconsider his ideas the next day, while in the meantime he should enjoy himself as seemed best to him.

The next day the philosopher was shown into a room where the tyrant awaited him. There was a table in the middle that supported dozens of figurines, each one a unique carving of a person. Kratymachos pointed to the table. "For today, this is your kingdom. These figurines are your people. Rule them for their own good and show me better methods."
"Very well. How ought I to begin?"
"However you think best. You are the ruler."
"In that case, what is it they want done?"
"Is that an order, great ruler?"
"Yes. Ask them what their needs are that I may decide the best course."
Kratymachos leaned over a figure and stood back up. "He says it should be lighter."
"Oh? Ah, I see." Sophagoras walked over to a window and moved aside the curtains.
"Ruler." Kratymachos was leaning over another figure. "I have been told it should be darker."
"That is easily done." The philosopher drew the curtains closer.
"This one says it is too dark. Also, everyone should have more space."
"I begin to comprehend. The hatted ones want it darker, while the bare heads want it brighter."
"And so?"
"And so I will calculate." Sophagoras counted more with hats than without and set the room to be slightly dim. "Now what is this about space?" Kratymachos pointed to a figurine. "I can fix that easily enough." The philosopher reached over the table.
"Putting hands on your own people? Outrageous," the tyrant remarked.
"You are correct. I will use reason with them at an appropriate time."
"Very good. Also, this one says the people are too spread out so that he cannot pasture his flocks." Kratymachos knocked a figurine to the floor as he was speaking.
"I see how it is with the space. Those with one hand up want room and the ones with both down want more density. If I go against them in this, I may please them by the light. No matter what, I cannot please everyone. I understand the meaning you intend by this jest, but what is the meaning of the figurine falling to the floor?"
"Oh, that happens sometimes. Do not concern yourself with it. I doubt he is plotting against you in secret where you cannot see."
"So do I, but I should like to speak with him. Retrieve him for me."
"Why?"
"As I said, I wish to converse with him, learning perhaps as much as I could teach."
"Why should I retrieve him, though? He paid me not to. I see no reason not to take his money and yours alike. I have been in the plotter's employ this whole time."
The philosopher shook his head. "The lesson you wish to teach is not so obscure that I cannot see it myself. It is not so easy to rule, is it, when every person below you has his own interest and means?"
"That is what I have found."
"Since I am your guest, I will solve this problem for you," the philosopher said and stabbed the clever tyrant there in that room where just the two of them were. "Pardon my rudeness to such a courteous and patient host, but the truth is that I, too, have been in a plotter's employ this whole time." Sophagoras walked out and had left the island before anyone found the corpse of Kratymachos.
Finis

Stepping Up Your Career

Now that you've written your first novel, write it again but change the names. Most of the names at least. You'll be number one in no time.

Philosophical Implications

The difference between the hero and the villain is where the camera is pointed.

Addendum

The Initial Villain Table doubles as a Protagonist Table in a pinch if the electorate starts getting on your case about recycling.

Starting Your Novel

Writing a novel can be an intimidating prospect, so here is a tool that will help you start on the right foot: The Initial Minor Villain Table. How do you get some sizzling conflict cooking from the very first page? With an initial villain, of course! The nature of your initial villain will determine much else about the setting and starting condition of your main character, simplifying the writing process greatly. If that sounds good, and I'm sure it does, grab your favorite random number generator and get ready to roll!

1 Barbarian warlord
2 Mean teacher
3 Slave overseer
4 Arrogant young master
5 Bad boy vampire
6 Father
7 Hooded figure
8 Megacorporation security chief
9 Rival athlete
10 Lieutenant questioning his orders
11 Thief
12 Clumsy maid

Now you're on your way, Mr. President!

Election Day

The results are in, and the new President of Fantasy and Science Fiction is you, the readers! Wow! And boy do I have a bone to pick with you jerks and your misbegotten policies.

Review of Dragon Slayer: Legend of Heroes

Legend of Heroes is one of the coolest bad games around. Features such as instant battle refights and customizable spell lists make it feel polished while its unconvential use of sprites and special mechanics for individual enemies makes it feel fresh. Then you grind for two hours between story sections and eat a barrage of bizarre numbers both in and out of battle. Damage from one enemy can range from 2 to 154 HP while weaker enemies can give more xp and gold than stronger ones.
The plot is disappointing after the initial sense of urgency fades away. The locations are uninteresting and the few NPCs either help the main plot along in a straightforward way or have running subplots about their own incompetence. The villain has no presence and is hurt more than helped by an obligatory and ill-conceived environmentalist revelation. The main characters exist, theoretically.
Have you played enough RPGs that you would rather play one that's interesting than one that's good? Then Dragon Slayer: Legend of Heroes might be for you.
Grade: B

Effacement

"We'll start with an easy one. Read this."
"It says, 'Here is a granary of Hadalcar.' Wait, am I allowed to say that?"
"Yes, since it's in the course of your duty. So this is all we have to do here." Yemash put his chisel to the inscription and went to work. The name of the king disappeared. The name of the king appeared in its place.
"Here is a granary of Belnasu," it read.
"What's next on the list? I'll have you do it if it's another simple one," Yemash said.

The king was dead, and measures were being taken. There was no need for a funeral. Mourning was out of the question. Temples were packed with people offering sacrifices in order that the gods would bless the new reign. Scribes were updating accounts in the palace and correcting inscriptions in the streets. Official procedures and common customs were operating just as they ought.

"The temple dedication reads, 'This is the house of Alu-Patap. Hadalcar built this. Long may he reign,'" Necha reported.
"This is a little trickier, but we determined the best way to deal with it long ago. Pay attention." Yemash tapped away. The name of the king disappeared, as did his work. The name of the king and what he did appeared.
"'This is the house of Alu-Patap. Belnasu loves this. Long may he reign.'"
"Often the dedication says, 'caused to be built.' The accepted method in those cases is to substitute 'in heart venerates,' which works just as well."
"But in truth we do not know if the king loves this or venerates that."
"We do know. The sure proof is that he is alive."

Different measures must be taken in different cases. If the king dies in battle; if he dies of illness; if he abdicates after suffering a disfiguring injury or succumbing to the frailty of age. In those cases the scribes would not be rewriting their work, temples would be sacrificing for the old king's felicity in the afterlife, and all subjects would exhibit their grief in the streets.

"These triumphal monuments have long inscriptions. Try to pick out the name without reading every word," Yemash told Necha.
"Um, 'Hadalcar approved the omens and gave battle,' 'the leader of the enemy fell under Hadalcar's own hand,' and 'Hadalcar erected this marker to commemorate the victory.' But the king did none of that."
"That is why only the educated, like us, can do this work. We have to use our judgment."
"You mean, we make it up sometimes?"
"Yes. Mistakes are more common in this situation, so be careful. I always fix the new inscription in its entirety in my mind before I start carving." Yemash ran his finger back and forth over the key sentences, his lips moving. "Ah, I have it." He applied his chisel and corrected the inscription.
"'Belnasu accepted the results of the battle.' I see, of course the king would accept a victory," Necha said.
"All right, here's the next one."
"'The land won from them fell under Belnasu's own sway.' That's clear enough."
"Now for the last sentence."
"'Belnasu respected this marker . . .' Yes, I suppose so, or else he would have it pulled down."
"Exactly. What's next on the list?"

It was a surprise when it happened, though astrologers warned of it and the omens were bad. Everyone could see the king was becoming too proud. It was certain he would come to a bad end.
Even so, for a chariot of the gods to appear directly above the king and extinguish him in a flash of light was a clearer sign of divine displeasure than anyone living could remember. There was no one who could claim not to be startled by the spectacle.
As dramatic as the event was, all the people from the lowest to the highest leapt into action and did what they must to keep the state running and avert the curse of the gods. A new king was chosen, priests conducted the relevant rituals, and scribes skilled in carving were dispatched.

"That's a good representation of the work. Do you have any questions?"
"I do have one. Shouldn't we record what happened somewhere? As a warning at least?"
"There's no need. Everyone will understand what happened by the fact of his effacement."
"But we all know how rumors can be. Maybe they will say the king wanted to insult his predecessor and steal his glory for himself."
"That's ridiculous, young scribe."
Finis