Anatomical Musings

In the light of day, thousands of years later, I'm starting to think that having multiple heads doesn't make a monster any scarier than it would be otherwise.

Apotheosis Dawn

For assorted reasons, some of them exciting in their own right, a traveler wandered untracked lands, lonely and anxious about his prospects. When he came across a stone building that resembled him in its solitude, a suspicious sight, he reckoned the risk of disaster better than the certainty. There he found succor.
"Welcome, traveler, to Yulril Abbey. You may stay here one day and night and then go away provisioned."
"Thank you. To what god is this abbey dedicated, that I might thank him?"
"We're waiting to find that out ourselves. Perhaps we erred in our order, but we trust one will come to us. Hm. You are the first layman to visit; are you perhaps the very god?"
"How could I be confused for a god?"
"No, of course that's impossible. Please come this way."
At the time the traveler thought nothing of having someone agree with him, but after he recovered his place in society, the abbot's tone became in his memory somewhat excessively firm. Nettled, he embarked on a course of greatness in both the political realm and in feats of personal courage, succeeding so well that the great admiration he earned during his life tranformed into a hero-cult after his death which justified itself to the priestly community through numerous confirmed miracles and prophecies. Yulril Abbey's cenobites never heard of it so far as anyone knew.
Finis

Addendum

Readers with no fear choose fanfiction, naturally.

This Is to This as Those Is to Thems

If magical realism is fantasy for cowards, and it is, what's science fiction for cowards? Articles about comets? True crime? Moneyball? Probably all of those. One of the reasons science fiction struggles is the abundance of substitutes.

Don't Forget This in Your Fantasy Setting!

Are centaurs scared of elephants? How about camels? The ramifications are staggering.

Language Battle

A necromancer, a corpusvaticinator, and a lich-seer walk into a bar, except they call it three different things. The important thing is that the first is common, the third could see use, and nobody will ever use the second, proving that Latin is the least ominous language except when chanted. Even then, maybe other languages are scarier but don't get chanted as much.

Fantasy Puncline Corner

"I said hedge end, not legend!"

Sly Insertion

How do we integrate optional bosses, something unquestionably popular in games, into fantasy and science fiction books? Invisible ink is the obvious answer, but impractical. Maybe a QR code. Do companies still try to get people to use those?

The City Majestic in Flight

The astrologers issued their report. In consequence, the gates closed, the citizens took their positions in reinforced halls, and the city rose as thaumaturgical engineers oversaw the abstruse processes which enabled the migration.
The people of Invarn thrived to such a degree that they no longer accepted seasons as something merely to be endured bur rather as a problem which must admit a solution provided they bent themselves to finding it. They had not misjudged their capacity. The city floated with practiced ease and had already accomplished three landings. What could prevent a fourth?
The dastards of Rellen-Bollat! Their agents had stolen the knowledge, nor did the king blush to imitate his rival in every particular. The two cities spotted each other and raced to the ideal position, above which they bumped against each other over and over till both were forced to land in order to effect repairs. The nomads of Tutsuna arrived in the meantime to claim the spot, though the Kauneggi tribe, displaced from its homeland, arrived to contest that pretension.
Seeing that, Invarn rose again, but nowhere was there unclaimed land. The population had grown too great. The city's sages started to plan.
Finis

Speaking of Names

Spring is the worst-named season, right? That word means too many things. Fall has the same problem, but we can fall back on autumn there. Ver isn't as effective since it may not be registered as a word when we try to popularize it. I think we're gonna have to go French on this one, fellas.

Addendum

Though the fact that all three of those are last names might contribute. Reginald Ashton Smith, Ashton Reginald Smith, Smith Ashton Reginald . . . nope, still carries the same feeling.

Name Recognition

If, tomorrow, you were to awake in a world in which Clark Ashton Smith's name had become Smith Ashton Clark, would you even notice? How about Ashton Clark Smith? Ash Clarkton Smith? But if somebody claimed his favorite science fiction author was Asimov Isaac, you'd grab the nearest gun and start shooting. Here we see the particular properties of triple names as opposed to double.

Addender

Of course what we all really want is one of those Inspector Gadget books. How did a little girl and a dog get that anyway? Theft? Misappropriation of funds? Aliens? The Greatest American Hero aliens?

Addendum

Most enticingly, instead of a blurb about the book bought from some author whose name has never before crossed your desk, you can get coverplates with blurbs about you, the reader. ". . . immaculate taste . . ." is one example, or how about, "If you have to be read by one person this year, make it this one?"

Merchandizer Go

Remember Xbox 360 faceplates? Let's make those but for books. It's not like cover art is any good, so we might as well replace it with an R2-D2 or a flaming skull.

Battle Statue War Record

Year 1
"I have succeeded in animating a statue capable of replicating any human action while being tireless and hardy beyond flesh. Soon legions of battle statues will humble my neighboring wizard-kings, just so soon as I produce a sufficient force."

Year 3
"The quarrying is going well. My menial statues are superior to human workers when properly supervised. Of course I must hire competent supervisors, but money is easily at hand; a portion of the yield can be sold abroad."

Year 7
"By now, half the carriage drivers in the region are my statues, except in those city-states which prohibit them. Don't they know battle statues and the menial type are completely different? But then, how could they? Only I know the secret. Unfortunately, current designs lack the delicacy required for fruit-picking, but the stevedores are coming along excellently."

Year 28
"For now I have delegated governance and research in favor of training new sculptors, though I am unsure I will resume those pursuits afterward. My current interests lean more toward selecting personnel for the proposed branch offices and ensuring the materials for my new mansion justify the asserted prices. Lately I have had a feeling of neglecting some plan, but it would be more surprising if such were not the case. My conceptions are endless, and despite how the payroll has grown, I have never been busier. I can barely find time to add to this journal, let alone read it. Perhaps I should hire someone, but anyone competent is needed for a dozen roles of greater importance."
Finis

Addendum

A major factor will be if the ships dock at a planet, an orbital station, or neither, instead sitting in deep space and receiving their passengers from shuttles. In the case of the station, probably a plain exterior will be demanded by the port authority, but in the third case, presenting customers with an awesome view during their approach will be advisable.

It's Never Too Early to Start Planning

When we have big interstellar cruise liners, will it be worth it to paint the exterior, or will people not care about the part they can't see? Or will they see it through drones set up so there can be races on the hull for gambling purposes, given that in space, anything goes? Only market research can determine the truth.

New Formatting

At the end of each chapter in the book, there should be a page for the chapter MVP. Was the choice based on total kills, highest XP gain, or something subjective? The readers will enjoy arguing about it as they endeavor to figure it out. The truth is that it's based on what the artist felt like drawing.

Addendum

Similarly, if you make a chimera in your magical lab, your atelier if you prefer, it isn't mythological, but it remains a chimera. Fortunately the category of bioweapons is universally recognized, but many would find it offputting to hear a work described as "bioweapon fantasy." For now.

Undead Venn

I'm not talking about Vendread, though I often am. There are undead creatures, right? Conceptually anyway. And there are vampires and ghosts, are there not? Those are supposed to be undead, but often they aren't. It's a daily occurence that someone is transformed by a supernatural process in which dying is not involved. These non-undead creatures deserve their own category, which I propose calling "Undead for Cowards."

A Ceremony Often Practiced but Never Rehearsed

When people groaned the deepest at their subjection to Tyrant Winter, then arrived resplendent Youthful Spring who with one blow from his gleaming brand laid low the dreadful season.
"Rejoice, for again the time—"
"Watch out," the trembling people warned, and with reason. Tyrant Winter rose and shook himself as if checking for thorns stuck in his clothing.
"This sometimes happens," Youthful Spring assured them. He turned and with one smack from the ivy-wrapped hilt dropped the stubborn foe. "Now rejoice, for again—"
Again indeed, as screams from the people alerted him, but a roundhouse solved the problem, once. Then a knee to the stomach, and a throw, and soon Spring and Winter were locked in a grapple, the former demanding that the latter give up already, had he looked at a calendar? The people marveled to see the contest. From that they invented the sport of wrestling and the art of professional wrestling.
Finis

Addender

I was going to propose extractionlit, but, well, you know.

Addendum

They won't be noble at all, but let's throw our minor factions the bone of dignity, which costs nothing and can be chewed forever without being broken up.

The Next Subgenre

We've all been enjoying litRPG, but now it's time for sokolit. That's right, it's time to push blocks . . . in text! Different styles will emerge. Will pushing boxes be the inciting incident, a background feature, or will there be detailed descriptions of pushing techniques and thought processes? Purists, inevitably and sadly, can be nothing but a noble minority.

Orthography Corner

I decided to get to the bottom of this griffin/griffon/gryphon/grifter situation by asking an honest-to-goodness Greek guy who claimed they actually existed. When I asked him about the source of the griffin's name, he replied, "What griffin? Do you mean the gryps, you idiot? You buffoon? You animal-ignorant barbarian? Let's start a bit simpler. Tell me the name of that animal over there. The one that says 'woof woof.' Moron." So I dismissed him. That's why more people don't pursue necromancy today.

Urgent Warning!

Don't bother naming flowers in your descriptions, 'cause I ain't know what any of them are. Feel free to mention their colors, but only real ones, such as red, yellow, and that's about it as far as flowers go.

Implementing Historically Accurate Thieves' Guilds

If you ask me, the Chandlers are a thieves' guild, with these prices! Criminy! And the Coopers! And the Masons! They're insatiable! And what does it cost to bury someone these days? I can't even afford dying!

The Dynalian Tournament

The contest of warriors, when it was announced, fulfilled the people's expectations that the despot would take measures against the terrible Dynalian Gract which was doing such harm to his belongings, which were the entire country. Surely the strongest warrior could challenge the beast.
Willing to be relieved of their anxiety, crowds filled the stands to watch the many and doughty fighters compete against one another for the prize. Many were injured, some killed, but nothing daunted those men who had bravery as their first virtue, and often their last. Fame was on the auction block and blood was their bids.
On the final day, the despot himself attended, though he had been absent before. The champion, after his magnificent victory, strode to the spot under the great seat and shouted up, "Where now is the Dynalian Gract? I will slay it. It will be no harder I think than winning this contest!"
"It is here!" The despot leapt up and hurled down a sack he had next to him, and from the sack tumbled the monster's grim head. "You may have that as your trophy, since you are so eager to have it. Your second prize will be wealth, your third a weapon unsurpassed, and the fourth your liberty, for this exercise has given the results combats between men of unequal experience levels, a 14 versus a 17, a 21 versus a 33. I have reckoned from them how near someone may come to my level and go unexiled, and I tell you that none of you are close to it!" All trembled at the despot's mastery.

Finis

Addendum

I've never heard of a visduke, but I see no reason there couldn't be one. Or two who bicker humorously during slow moments.