The Great Auction

The kingdom's financial difficulties forced it to auction off the right to name the next year, but good came out of it. There was much entertainment had by the people as the wealthy put forth publicly the names they intended to give it, whether reminders of their glorious ancestors or sentimental tributes to their present-day families. Brotherhoods scraped together all the promises they could from multiple members in the hope of attaching some reference only members of a particular occupation understood. The king tried not to discourage anyone by giving his opinion, but court-watchers reported his every expression when he heard of the latest proposed name.
The day of the auction came too soon for the public's liking but just in time for the treasury. As the event began in the grand hall, the king himself watching though not presiding, the great door burst open and there stood a man. It was Aldis, the great hero who had saved the kingdom countless times, outfitted in his magical armor of blue and armed with his adamant-cleaving sword. No one expected him, for he had left the kingdom to seek more adventure and beside that was no rich man, having the custom of giving away wealth as soon as he took it as he did.
"I have slain the wicked dragon Tyvithoda!" he declared to the wondering gasps of all there. "And plundered all that vast hoard. None, I think, will outbid me now."
The people begged to hear what he had chosen as the name, but to judge by the king's grimace, he knew already. Neither was Aldis mistaken about his superiority in wealth, and accordingly was the year entered into the annals as the Year of the King Still Wets His Bed.
Happy New Year!
Finis

The End Approaches

It's your last chance to make something of the year. Too late, you say? That's where you're wrong. You can still beat a child at Trivial Pursuit. The satisfaction . . . the sense of superiority . . . it's what modern society is keeping from us. Take back your birthright.

2023 Is Still Here

I've been catching a lot of heat from the year after those things I said, so let's all say what we like about 2023. 0 is pretty classy, I think. There's mystery and intrigue in it, but also the chance for a new start. No wonder all those villains keep trying to return the world to it.

Goodbye to 2023

Now that the year's almost over, I can finally say something important. I think 2,023 is an ugly number. That 3 at the end is just no good. There's nothing on the front to balance it. 2,022 and 3,023 are both much better numbers, and 2,024 will be as well. 2,025 isn't great, but it's a small improvement.

Merry Boxing Day!

But don't give out any festive boxes. People will be so disappointed when they don't contain coupons for boxing lessons. That doesn't mean you can punch them and get it over with, though if you did, they would understand your soul through your fist. But only if you do it right. Maybe you're the one who needs boxing lessons, especially with all that eggnog and figgy pudding you've been throwing back, not to mention the wassail your beautiful voice earned you.

It Continues to be Christmas

Merry Christmas still!

The Too-True Meaning of Christmas

One winter, the priests of Wessario and the people all joined together in supplication, chanting, "Great Farden, the sun in the day and the sun in the night, the bridge across every chasm, the inventor of what is good and imprisoner of what is improper, answer our prayer and our question."
Farden stepped among them, glittering, and said, "What is your question, mortals?"
Everyone knelt except those who fell prostrate. "Great Farden, this wonderful celebration, this Christmas, what is it? Why do we celebrate it?"
Farden smiled at their simplicity. "Christmas is simply the day we choose to commemorate the birth of the Savior, the Son of God." "You have a son, O Farden?"
"Uh . . ."
"Where is he? What is his name? What are his powers?"
Farden looked upon the radiant faces of the mortals as they pressed closer and closer. He gulped. "Uh, well, you see . . . Here, drink from this flask. Be merry and whatnot."
As the people passed around the miraculous flask Farden gave them, they forgot all about that stuff he really, really shouldn't have said. He listened to a bunch of carols later and hoped Santa wouldn't mind a little memory-erasing, though the bigger problem was probably reaching other worlds like his in the first place.

Merry Christmas!
Finis

Christmas Musings

Could it be that all our stories about Santa's sleigh are really about a spaceship and Santa lived his whole life on it? The North Pole workshop is also on the spaceship. You can upgrade it with currencies your elves collect through dispatch missions. Rudolph is a product of genetic engineering, of course.

Language Corner

Did you know . . .
. . . people used to write "phantasy?" On purpose and everything. Don't that just beat all?

All-Out Galaxy Battle Tempest! Begins!

Speaking of AI-written galactic battle tournaments, let's all vote to affect what happens next, maybe. This is our last chance to enjoy democracy before the robots take over, and always remember that the best revenge is to make your enemy write a silly story.

The all-powerful supercomputer Centralizer has decreed a tournament among the galaxy's most skilled champions, but what happens will be decided not by weapon or technique, but by a bunch of AIs responding to reader votes. Vote today, before AIs kill us all!

New Book Technology

Even now engineers are designing books that can eat other books right there on the shelf. Do you have a plan to deal with that? Watch out which gifts you open this Christmas.

Ultima Lore Question

Why didn't the Avatar just call the Guardian "The Fartian" in public? He would have gotten everyone on his side. Also, what kind of villain is a big face? How did he even get followers? At least Andross was a genius scientist, and yes, I am saying Star Fox has a better story than Ultima VII.

The Animal Fantasy Publishing Industry

The reason we don't have a genuine example of animal fantasy is that the writer bear and publisher bear keep trying to kill each other. Economists call this "transaction costs."

I Imagine This Is What Animal Fantasy Is Like

Once there was a bear so big and hairy that nobody was hairier or bigger. So he went wandering. First he trained with the hawks, and soon he could jump higher than any bear ever could. Second he trained with the humans, and soon he could pick up things in his claws so that they'd never escape. Third he trained with the mice, and soon nobody could hear his coming. He traveled around after that too, and he pretty much learned it all.
The sole quest for a hero of that caliber was the search for the golden honey den, so off he went. He didn't know what challenges he'd have to overcome, and wouldn't you know, it was the Blackness Bear. The Blackness Bear had already conquered the den long ago. That meant they had to bite each other. The hero bear did it bigger and better, which means he took over the den and rules over it to this day where he enjoys as much honey as he pleases. Now don't you want to work hard and eat so you can be big and hairy, too?
Finis

Addendum

Now Biffany, on the other hand. Its age has just begun. See, when you write a sequel to a series which has a character named Tiffany, that's the kind of maneuver you need to be able to make.

History Corner

Did you know . . .

. . . that the use of Tiffany as a first name is quite recent in a historical context? I know you heard something to the contrary on the internet once, but I urge you to check before you start relying on that as an example for anything.

Addendum

Is it a ship on a long journey to colonize a distant planet? Is it a traveling casino, circus, or opera house? Does the person one day find himself alone on the ship? It doesn't matter. No, wait, do the circus one.

Trends on the Mend

Tellar: A random henchman who's shockingly well-informed on an esoteric subject.
Stellar: Someone who has lived his entire life on a spaceship.

A Sequel Tip

Everybody loved your characters, but their story is over. How do you follow it up? With new characters who have the exact same personalities, of course, but here's how you fool everyone: Change the first letter of their names. Anyone sophisticated enough to catch your little wordplay will be the sort to appreciate it.

The Parable of the Basket

Once upon a time, there was a weaver of baskets who brought his art to perfection which amazed everyone, fellow weavers most of all. He worked in wood, he worked in copper, he worked in fabrics and hides. Emperors sent him gold and jewels; they received jeweled golden baskets more suitable for the thrones upon which they sat than they were.
One day when a man walked by the basket weaver in the street, he shook a bundle of common rushes he happened to be carrying and said, "This must be the only thing you haven't turned into a basket yet!"
The weaver blinked. "You're right. Will you give me those?"
He set to work right away. He bent and he wove the rushes, and before long he was setting the last in place. When he completed that basket, his final basket, its perfection caused it to contain the entire world, and never has anyone found a way to release it yet.

Moral: Get just good enough to get by.
Secondary moral: Don't let anything happen to this basket. It has people in it.
Finis

Wheel of Time Wish Corner

Does anyone else wish it could somehow be arranged for the Wheel of Time TV show to release a season finale every week? I just can't get enough of those things. I don't even have to watch them.

Videogame Awards

I think they all deserve a round of applause, don't you? Especially Guild Wars. I like Ritualist because it's overpowered.

Addender

Everything will be more popular than ever. Because there will be more people. That may sound obvious, but do you think it is?

Addendum

And if anyone tries to tell you the future will have nothing but techno, tell him not to be fooled by the name. Every space colony will have its own choir and they'll compete for cyber prizes. Rockabilly will be more popular than ever.

Don't Make This Mistake!

Some people think that fantasy worlds shouldn't have rock and roll! Don't be one of them!

The Face on the Coin

The subjects had been of two minds for months, and all that changed on the day they were to hear the new king's first proclamation was who sat in which camp. The people drifted this way and that, swayed by arguments, portents, and simply their mood.
The reason they had for choosing this king was unchanged and powerful: He was the hero who saved the world. Whom did they owe greater gratitude? Who had more might to protect them?
The reason for wishing they had not was clear and direct: He had been raised to fight, not to rule. He knew nothing of diplomacy, had few connections, and required training in every aspect of finance.
The proclamation would presage what kind of rule was to come, whether a disaster of incompetence or a golden age with a god-picked hero at its head. Never had a new king been scrutinized so closely by the people when he came out in his rich robes.
"My subjects!" He raised his arms high in a rudimentary oratorical flourish. At least he had not refused instruction altogether. "It is the custom to print the new king's face on new coins." He lowered his arms. "This is the first custom I will ignore."
The tension could hardly be withstood, but the people listened to the rest.
"My subjects, I propose instead to hold a contest among the hottest chicks in the kingdom to figure out who'd look great on a coin and put her on it. Who's with me?"
The country's greatest reign began among ecstatic cheers.
Finis

Addender

Every year, the space colonies have big debates about whether to alter the climate for Christmas. Boy, will those get nasty.

Addendum

They're gonna need new months! They're gonna have New November and July Alternative!

Holiday Implications

In the future, when we colonize far-flung planets, which we will and I don't want to hear any naysaying, people are going to argue about when holidays should be held. You thought this Easter kerfuffle was all settled, but get ready for Space Easter.