Happy New Year

Haven't we had enough of these things? Be honest.

Addendum

I think the Roaring '20s is the only decade name that ever really stuck. What a testament to the power of the word "roaring." The '20s were pretty good too, with all that detective fiction and so forth.

Reflections on the Decade So Far

More like the Boring 20s!

Addendum

You might think that three magic schools would work, but it wouldn't. The problem is that each school needs to have a relationship with the others. That would take up too much of the story. A dozen magic schools would be better, because people wouldn't expect them to be equally important.

A New Way to Liven Up Your Story

Two magic schools!

One Small Tip for Life Improvement

Tired of missing the call to adventure? Hire a butler!

The Banality of Power

"Did you hear the prime minister of Ruritania died?" Daryl failed to make the question sound casual. He and everyone else looked at Kent expectantly.
"Oh. 4:18."
"Got it again!" That really livened up lunch, which made up for waking up in the middle of the night, Kent supposed. Not really. He would have preferred not to have woken up at 4:18.
"C'mon, man." Simon jostled him. "Feeling a jolt when a world leader dies seems pointless now, but I bet you'll save the world someday. It's not like you're one of those telepaths. They say another one went crazy and burned out a bunch of people the other day."
Kent jabbed his peas with a fork. "Man, I wish mutant powers had never happened."
Finis

Merry Christmas

See title.

Train Facts

1) Perry Mason once says he wants to run a model train through his office and law library. But he doesn't. What's stopping him? The truth may be too much for the human mind to comprehend.
2) Trains are fast!
3) Not all trains turn into robots, but more than you would think do.
4) It's not as if he doesn't have enough money for it. Clients are always paying him big money to stay out of the gas chamber.
5) That thing you sometimes see on the front of a train is called a "slow car."
6) If your train is late, it was probably doing something more important.
7) Perhaps he fears that buying a model train set would be a betrayal of his Navy service.

Community Christmas Project

Get together with your neighbors to set up a model train line that passes over all your front lawns. If it snows where you live, dang, that's rough. Sit inside and yell carols out the window.

Boxing Day Gift Ideas

The consolation of philosophy!
A helping hand in times of trouble!
Free hug any time!
Leftover meatloaf!
A book of crossword puzzles that are all partially filled out!

Christmas Gift Ideas

Attack your friend's village so he can go on a journey to defeat you!
Become a vampire so your friend can feel great sorrow when he has to kill you!
Invent faster-than-light travel so your friend can go on a space adventure!
Buy a truck and hit your friend with it to send him to another world!
Chocolate orange!

Q&A Corner

Q. Should the main character's butler go on adventures with the main character or not?
A. Both are acceptable.
Q. Might we replace the butler with a head maid?
A. Certainly.
Q. My, there's certainly a great deal of flexibility in this concept.
A. Go forth and take advantage!

Unustainable Recruitment

- Welcoming Address. Astral Calendar 6297 -
". . . Whatever they call this place on the outside, to you it's the Grater. All you cadets come from the 62% who lived through having your genes scientifically altered in the womb to augment your ability to operate in space. That's what will make you Void Guards, if you survive. Most of you won't. 54% will die in your first year. 44% of what's left won't make it through the second. 29% of the remainder might have a chance to serve . . ."

- Welcoming Address. Astral Calendar 6301 -
". . . 42% will die in your first year. 30% won't make it through the second . . ."

- Welcoming Address. Astral Calendar 6302 -
". . . Some of you cadets are products of genetic engineering, but all of you have potential. The training is difficult. 25% will be expelled to prevent serious injury . . ."

- Welcoming Address. Astral Calendar 6305 -
". . . And if a cadet writes your name in the 'Recommended By' section, you will receive credit toward fulfilling your 'Practical Leadership' requirement . . ."
Finis

Maintaining a Household

How often does the main character in fantasy or science fiction have a household? Servants, dependants, an estate, repairmen, the whole thing. Ownercore is the next thing.

Trends Will Never Leave Us

Out: Special abilities conferred voluntarily.
In: Main character has a butler.

A Mustering of Knightly Tales

A classic tale of knights and battle! A sorcerer, unjust in his deeds, gathers one hundred knights bold and mighty to work his will and carries them to a faraway land. There they have such adventures as are worth telling from how uncommon and full of knightliness they are. The newest adventure is here, currently available for zero dollars on Royal Road.

Important Setting Details

Make sure to mention that there's probably music and singing somewhere. "The mayor gave Darron Slaymaster a big sack of money. There was a lute or something too, just twanging away if lutes do that." That should take care of it. See how much livelier the scene is?

Addendum

Spaceships should also be big, but everybody knows that. The realism complaint there is usually that those ships shouldn't land on planets themselves, which is easy to accommodate. Ships so big they can't land on planets are ultra cool.

BIG SWORDS

BIG SWORDS
"But a real arming sword typically has a length between—" SHUT UP
B I G S W O R D S

Treasure of the Giants

"Geh heh heh! You're in a bind this time, my friend!" For once, the villainous space pirate Macaulay spoke the truth. His three cruisers had moved into formation disguised as freighters before they ran up the black flag. Even the Bayard could not hope to escape them. "I'll take the ransom now, if you don't mind."
"Not at all." The attitude of Captain Winham-Ross as he stood on the Bayard's bridge with one hand behind his back resembled that of a man about to be announced at function thrown by a planetary governor more than someone brought beneath the sway of one of known space's thirty most infamous pirates. "Do you have the wherewithal to handle seven tons of Sindonian fruit? The containment fields required are far from standard equipment."
"Regrettably, I do not. I'll loot your brain instead. You're an expert in the traditions of the origin system beyond compare, after all. That has to be worth something."
"Beyond compare? I must say that Ambassador Geraud is exceedingly—"
"No no no! I won't hear a word of it. I don't have the time." Macaulay raised three fingers, and in response, each of the cruisers under his command opened three torpedo tubes. "Well, right now I have all the time in the world. But if you were able to tell me where someone like Fargus would be going if you knew for a fact he was planning an expedition to the origin system, I would be in such a hurry to get there first that I'd be forced to leave your ship intact."
"There might be much to interest a man like Fargus there, or nothing at all, depending on the legend in question. Do you have more information?"
"Geh heh heh! Since we're both stellar gentlemen, I'll confess I was able to learn he said something about 'the treasure of the giants.'"
Captain Winham-Ross flicked a speck of dust off his otherwise-immaculate coat. "If it's the treasure of the giants, I've heard Jupiter spoken of in relation to that phrase, though I can tell you nothing definite about that very questionable story."
"That's enough for me!" Macaulay's three fingers changed to a horizontal flat hand. His flotilla took off at top speed.
"Is it all right to tell him that? Anything that villain wants is something he shouldn't have," Navigator Bradel said.
"Your judgment is entirely correct. That lost weapon from ancient times can't be trusted in the hands of anyone alive today, much less a pirate. That's all right, though. He won't have it, and neither will Fargus, unless he knows to travel to Riordom first. Preparations must be taken before one searches for the treasure of the giants. After all, the reason the ancients used to go to Jupiter . . ." Captain Winham-Ross seated himself in his command chair. ". . . Was to get more stupider. To Riordom!"
Finis

Upgrade Your Zombies

How do we make zombies threatening? By "we" I mean "not me," because I think zombies are dumb. Here are a few ideas.

Mechs
Power armor
Muscle Tracers
Cataphracts
Mobile Suits
The Master Zombie
Silhouette Knights
Zombie fusion
Arm Slaves
Variable Fighters
Level drain

Resurrection

Q. What can a new Mass Effect game do to revive the franchise?
A. Live-action FMV.

Discussion Topic

Is "rogue trader" a bad term for rogue traders from the Warhamer 40,000 setting? Don't discuss that because the answer is yes. First explain why, and second come up with a better term. Free trader, free captain, trader baron, chartered trader, main character, make your case.

The Saddest Science Fiction Setting

People have traveled through space for so long that they think it's boring. It hardly bears thinking about.

How to Fancy Up a Setting

Change "king" to "kingue," "duke" to "duque," and "peasant" to "pezant."

Rainbow Repair

When the news came to Evwig Quarterhand in his hall that the rainbow had again come to such a state that those above must send out for the stone to repair it, he smiled at it and laughed. He was a giant, and more than that a miser who never gave as much as he could but only a fourth of it, and had his name for that. Many times an emissary of those above had gotten more from him than he meant to lose, and so he thought this way. "Nebal Trackless must come to me, and he will pay the penalty after I trap him. As for red stone and yellow stone, there is much, but nowhere but in my hall is there orange stone left from when the world was different."
He waited then, but Nebal Trackless came not, nor any other emissary. Besides being a giant and a miser, he was impatient too, and so he went out to see the state of things. He traveled but a short way before he saw what he could not believe, which was orange stone being hauled through the valley towards the rainbow under the eye of Nebal Trackless.
"How can this be? There is no orange stone but mine." So he said, angered.
"You sound angry, Evwig Quarterhand, but why? The first thought I had when I found this stone was how glad you would be not to be pestered for yours."
The giant touched the stone with iron and silver, but it remained orange stone. "It is unlike mine, I am sure. It is not true orange stone."
Nabel Trackless laughed with great mirth. "It is the same! Or could you tell the difference between them if you brought yours out?"
"I could." And so it was done that Evwig hauled out all the orange stone that he had, for he was strong even among giants, and placed it next to Nabel's. He then closed his eyes and felt the stone as it was brought to him, and licked it, and said whether it was his or otherwise. And each block was marked accordingly.
"Open your eyes so we may learn what is true," Nabel Trackless said, and in Evwig Quarterhand's view he poured water over the stones. And behold, every block that Evwig said was not true orange stone turned green under the water. Nabel laughed again. "Yes, you were right. This is green stone that I painted as a joke. Now I will take it away."
Evwig watched him do it, suspicious he meant some thievery still. But Nabel did as he said, so that Evwig Quarterhand grunted and wondered what the meaning of it was, and only then did he recall that Nabel had poured water only over the blocks marked as false. He poured it over his own stone, and felt it, and tasted it, and learned that it was cheese.
Sogki Twobones happened by then and clapped Evwig Quarterhand on the shoulder. "I heard it from Nabel Trackless but never believed it, that you became a trader of skill! But I see you have all this cheese in fee for your orange stone, worthless as it is except to those above, and I know he was right in what he said. He grumbled at the price, I tell you." And from that day all knew that Evwig was called Quarterhand because he made fourfold profits, but he scowled when he heard that said of him.
Finis

What to Do When Your Sequel Flops?

Those banks won't rob themselves.

Happy December

December facts:

1. This month is named after a dragon named Ecembe.
2. Snow.
3. Some think this is the tenth month of the year. They are correct.
4. The authorities use the lie of twelve months to create extra centuries of history filled with propaganda.
5. December is one of the best months for a murder mystery. June is good as well.
6. The weapon of December is the fusion beam.

When Should Timeskips Be Used?

Never.

On Space Elevators

Before we build one, we'd better decide what sort of uniform the elevator operators will have. I suggest purposefully fraying the elbows to give passengers something to think about during the trip.