Happy New Year!

And may all your affairs prosper so that you don't have to defect to the Mongols, or if you are a Mongol, to bad Mongols.

Inspirational Quotations

"I will henceforth be a Mongol." - "Killer" Kane

Addendum

Please do not misconstrue this observation as a criticism. Mythology without freaky stuff is like a book finale without Aginor and Balthamel.

Mythology Corner

People believed all kinds of crazy junk, but if you look closely, a lot of those stories are just somebody's fetish.

A Question for the Audience

What if the passing of years is actually an inconceivable entity slowly trying a bunch of numbers in a combination lock? If so, it probably won't open that sucker for some time, but maybe 2023's the year. I'm just saying, don't make any plans that don't include the reveal of the contents of the vault behind the solar system.

A Confined Visit

If the cliffs above the Sending Sea drove off settlers in favor of lower strips friendlier to ships, that quality endeared them to Faithful Doiro who built his tower there, and staffed it, and hired guards, and never stepped outside again. He needed little, even the guards, for his treasures took their name from their value which was scholarly more than pecuniary.
As such, whatever Faithful Doiro stated to be their duties when he hired them, experience gave the guards these orders, that they were to resist boredom and loneliness as long as they could to bring home the money their boss paid with an open hand and heart set on other things. The current set, hired in the spring, alert in the summer, and close to catatonic in winter, perhaps on the wrong side of it already, had the jostling that comes to the unlucky only.
"An intruder!" Could it be? A figure had been spotted, not immediately recognized and therefore immediately pursued. A chase in the tower, where the hedges were low piles of books, the trees high piles, and the rocks resembled servants scrubbing the floor. A mild terrain, but too much for the guards. The intruder dodged Durfil, evaded Eweddo, and outwitted Omwen. Hard work for the guards, but it was not right that they should forget the servants picking up after them as they went.
Finally Gerel and Swoben caught up to the intruder in front of a window looking over the Sending Sea. Each took an arm and found their captive was indeed human, but that human stayed a captive for no great time. He pulled his arms in from the sleeves, leapt right out of his cloak, and leapt out the window.
"Survived it, you think?"
"I give it half either way. No chase, though. Secure the tower. That matters."
The guards acted according to their names all shift, and called it a success when the criminal stayed gone. They went to bed, for nothing within miles could keep them up, and that was when Swoben and Gerel both noticed small packages stuffed inside their pockets. "We miss you. Come home soon. Happy holidays!" the cards tied to them said, and on the other side, "This delivery courtesy of the Society of Moonlight Visitors."
Merry Christmas!

Q&A Corner

Q. Is "DNF" a verb?
A. No.

Merry Christmas!

See title.

Joke Corner

Rand? More like Bland! Mat? More like Fat! Perrin? Please change Perrin's name. Egwene? This is getting ridiculous.

Worldbuilding Tips

People like jewelry I guess, so throw some of that in there. Rings and junk. You can put most of it under a dragon, though, if it makes you feel better. A space dragon, because people in the future are still going to like jewelry.

History Corner

Did you know that most pre-industrial historians avoided talking about naval battle as much as most fantasy authors?

Sudden Realization

Hey, wait a minute! Skyrim came out a long time ago! Where's the next one? I'm starting to think development time for modern games has become so inflated as to threaten the industry because so few people now have the skill set gained from experience to guide a game from conception to release!

The Least Exciting Thing That Ever Happened to This Guy

A water-darkened day, a genuine heaven-faller, and over there? Warmth, hay, a horse perhaps? Horse rides ought to be planned beforehand, but the loving sun promised pleasure for all the day until it ran off. That sort of capricious behavior the man who shivered his way into the stable expected more from celestial beings than from neighborhood bright eyes, but he had many mistakes left to make.
The hay was there, and the warmth, but not a musty horse-warmth, but the stinging kind from man-sanctioned flames that played around and threatened to run wild but knew their place too well to extract concessions from concerned stable hands. The stable hands had no concerns at all given the horse-poorness of the scene, though human-richness made up for it.
"I suppose there is no chance of doing business, then?" The man's fishing expedition went as well as such things usually go. The stable hands all shook their heads, even popping out from stalls and around corners to make ripples all over the fishless pond, a glittering thing where it was not in shadow, a dark thing where the light was not. "When might you be expecting a horse to be returned?"
"Expecting?" One of the hands expectorated, but only he knew if that was wordplay. "We don't expect around here. No horse coming back, not for the length of your thread. Offer up a chicken or a pheasant for that. How'd you even get in here?"
"The door."
"Huh." The stable hands walked with the low steps of men with no place to be and examined the door. "Huh huh huh. You a sage? Enchanter?"
"Why, I can't say that I am, no."
"Might be now. Have a nice day."
The man left, and he never saw one of those horses, and he never learned sagecraft either, though he did conquer the world, and after he died the horses came.
Finis

Definitely Don't Think About This

Malazan? I thought this ship was headed for Bonazan!

Don't Think About This Though

Why do they call them the Forsaken when there are more than four of them???????

Food for Thought

We all know fantasy can be used to explore ideas unthinkable in the real world and train our intellects to recognize unnatural concepts. But which ones? Try these on for size.

Magic is real, but in a fun way.
Magic is real, but in an unfun way.
People read more than the first of words of anything.
The bones of dead people are a threat for some reason.
Nobles are no better than commoners.
I mean, they managed to die when they still had muscles and brains. What are they going to do now?
Children can be useful.

All these and more are possible. Don't be afraid to dream!

Phrases That Sound Like They Mean Something But Don't

Good pacing
Shades of gray
Character work
A song of ice and fire

What Is This Exciting New Genre Known As "Sophistifantasy?"

The orc is wearing a nice jacket.

Some Notes on Mecha Knights: Nightmare

Terrible title. They aren't even knights.
Word on the street is that common practice is to put the levels developed later first, because the developers improve as they go. It feels as if that did not happen here. The levels become more interesting and intricate starting around the halfway point.
Story: None. Dialogue: Ahahahahaha!
I didn't use every weapon type, shameful as it is to admit, but at the very least none of them that I tried seemed ideal for every mission. Hurray! The normal rifles seemed strictly worse than the plasma versions unless I missed something, which there is a good chance I did.
More color would have been nice in the environments and enemies. You can paint your mech though, which helps.
You sure do kill a lot of stuff. The weapons feel powerful, even if the healthbars don't always agree.
Overall, it's pretty good. I give it my mechiest rating: 4/Answer.

A Solicitous Nature

"A concern has grown in our mind."
The councilors yielded all their attention to their master and listened to his concern. "Our audiences, where we invite our subjects to petition us directly, ought to go differently from how they do, we believe. It seems as if our people are too intimidated to speak properly. Sometimes we see them kneel and leave without even bringing up their case. How shall we rectify this?"
The councilors conferred and suggested this, that the king order built a spire so that his subjects could approach without meeting his eyes or being looked on by all the court.

"Our subjects no longer turn white and skulk away, and the breeze on our balcony is refreshing. However, it seems difficult for us to hear our subjects, and they us. What is to be done?"
The councilors conferred and suggested this, that the inventors of wondrous things might fashion a device to carry speech on the ground up to the spire allow the king to speak in a voice audible to all.

"How pleasing it is to hear our subjects and speak to them! Our kingdom prospers. One improvement has yet to be made to perfect our government. The power of our voice reassures but seems also to frighten our people. What is to be done?"
The councilors conferred and agreed that the inventors could certainly arrange to have their master's visage spread over the sky to ensure his subjects could see his lack of displeasure.

"Hey, did you hear that the king of Maringia built a huge tower because he didn't want anybody to look him in the eye and plays at being a god?"
"What a terrible man! How do they stand it?"
Finis

Crossover of the Millennium

Can't tell who the Dragon is? It's easy, because the Dragon never sleeps.

Non-Multi-Million Idea

Wheel of Thyme, a channel/stream dedicated to reproducing Wheel of Time recipes. That series didn't exactly have a Redwall-like focus on food, but its name is so much more flexible.

Multi-Million Idea

The kids version of Wheel of Time: Wheel of Slime! Do kids still like slime? I have to presume they do.

The Slow Pace of Modern Society

I need more adaptations of existing properties of which to watch the first couple minutes! Hurry it up! $8 million per episode at least, please.

Addendum

Less sassy than their owners that is, not than the town guard or the stuffy noble who's about to get the starch taken out of those ruffles. Shouldn't be starching his ruffles anyway. What's this clown think he's doing?

Reason Corner

Thinking about it, shouldn't animal companions and magical weapons be less sassy on average? They don't need to accrue social status at the expense of their peers.

A Premature Inheritance

One day the king called his three sons to the hall where he did justice and accepted what was due him. They arrived all three on the same day, and the courtiers marveled to see their strength and courageous bearing, while the captains admired their eloquence and manners. Elbert came first, the oldest, who had conquered the Velucanni and subjected them to the will of his father. Next entered Elward who had overcome the Baromanni in five battles. They paid tribute after that, though they had never done so before. Third arrived Elhardt, late to leave his own home in which he had settled the daughter of the Wegemanni chief after defeating him in single combat.
"My sons, I am not a king who sees nothing but his court and his treasury. That each of you is now a man capable of ruling a country, is not a matter of ignorance to me. On the contrary, it is my wish and intention to see you all holding the rod, wearing the ring, and doing justice before I die."
It had long been clear that the kingdom's borders had extended so that no one man could govern the territory within. It had long been clear as well that the king was someone who distributed honors and wealth without stint but never an inch of land. The result of the contest between those irreconcilable facts at last became known. Smiles, frowns, and coins were passed around the court.
The king continued. "To Elbert, I grant the county of Preus, where the fruit tastes best out of anywhere in my kingdom but kills you if you eat it. To Elward, I grant the county of Oivre, where the mines produce endless iron and gold that have the special quality of melting in the rain. To Elhardt, I grant the county of Swessen, famous for its beautiful spring that makes you smell worse if you bathe in it."
And that was how the revolt began.
Finis

Analysis of Poetry

Don't bother. Song lyrics are what the kids like. Here's a sample to get you started:

How come my baby loves Santa
More than me?
I notice every year
Around the tree.

Analysis of Prose

Example 1: He saw ruin all about him.
Acceptable.
Example 2: He saw wrack all about him.
Acceptable.
Example 3: He saw wrack and ruin all about him.
Cut that out.

Classic Fantasy Spotlight

"Metamorphoses" or "The Golden Ass" by Apuleius is a fully extant novel from the first century that is absolutely fantasy, and I do mean fantasy, if you know what I mean, you degenerate.

Trivia Corner

The planet in Dune was going to be called "Baracus," but Frank Herbert couldn't get the rights.

Endless Possibility

Does the person only have one hand? Was one glove covered in blood from the murder? Is it a magic glove, or a relic of an ancient super-advanced civilization? Does it let you play Rad Racer? Maybe that's just the latest style.