Everyone knows how Erkins got his start. That's one story he's not shy about telling. You heard of the manor you can never find if you look for it? He found it. Took a walk in the hills one day and there it was.
The owner greets you if you approach. At least, he doesn't look like a servant. He asks you what went wrong. What would you say? I figure most of us would say "nothing" and lie, but Erkins isn't most of us. That part he rushes past, so nobody knows what exactly he said, but at any rate he said something.
Those two ended up talking about this and that until the sky darkened up, and then the owner went in and got Erkins a present. He said it wouldn't fix the problem, but it might ease his journey of life a little. Erkins tried to refuse it but the other man wouldn't have any of that, so instead he asked the owner what went wrong for him. He just smiled and shut the door.
When Erkins got home, he unwrapped the thing and found a chunk of gold. He's set up pretty good now after using that as collateral to start his business. Yeah, he's pretty wealthy now, though with the way he gets quiet sometimes you know something went wrong somewhere. That's normal, though, but being well-off isn't so much.
Sunday, January 31, 2021
Cost-Saving Measures
Henceforth we will slash our expenditures by referring to fantasy as fant and science fiction as scienfic. We will put that money into scratch-and-sniff covers instead.
Saturday, January 30, 2021
Thursday, January 28, 2021
Pro Writing Tips
Professional writers use fewer adverbs than normal people with the sole exception of "fulsomely."
Wednesday, January 27, 2021
Tuesday, January 26, 2021
Monday, January 25, 2021
Live Demonstration
Hey you! You'd better get in here. The streets are blocked for a reason, you know. That's why you came, isn't it? You wanted to see the Cobblers' little show. They don't want non-members looking. That's what they pretend, anyway, but we all know how it really is.
Back when our grandfathers were barely fathers, the Cobblers had a hard time because Flatfen got itself a reputation for superior shoemanship. Fashion followers took up the narrative that our Cranburst footwear only looked good under our superb Cranburst clothes, and that you were better off getting your shoes elsewhere.
Leave the blinds alone. It doesn't do to be seen watching, even if you want to see. Just peek through. Anyway, the Cobblers decided to prove their shoes were worth wearing on their own by running up and down the streets as naked as they day they were born. The whole thing was a big stunt. It didn't help at all with the fashion followers, but the camaraderie they got out of it was really something, so it's turned into a tradition.
See something you like out there? Back then the Cobblers were all humans of course, and there's nothing special about a human in the buff. That's not a dare, if you thought it was. You came to see the newer members, right? Looking at a minotaur maybe, flapping all the way? Frogarchs hopping along? What a gargoyle needs with shoes I'll never know, but the Cobblers always say they're suited for the work.
Nowadays you could name the days by what guild is trying something or other, but this is the only one anybody falls for. I don't know that they sell too many shoes out of it, though. See these? Flatfen work. Tomorrow us Potters will waste everybody's time. Don't bother watching, but take a look at our pots and vases if you've got a want. Hope you have a nice stay in Cranburst, stranger.
Back when our grandfathers were barely fathers, the Cobblers had a hard time because Flatfen got itself a reputation for superior shoemanship. Fashion followers took up the narrative that our Cranburst footwear only looked good under our superb Cranburst clothes, and that you were better off getting your shoes elsewhere.
Leave the blinds alone. It doesn't do to be seen watching, even if you want to see. Just peek through. Anyway, the Cobblers decided to prove their shoes were worth wearing on their own by running up and down the streets as naked as they day they were born. The whole thing was a big stunt. It didn't help at all with the fashion followers, but the camaraderie they got out of it was really something, so it's turned into a tradition.
See something you like out there? Back then the Cobblers were all humans of course, and there's nothing special about a human in the buff. That's not a dare, if you thought it was. You came to see the newer members, right? Looking at a minotaur maybe, flapping all the way? Frogarchs hopping along? What a gargoyle needs with shoes I'll never know, but the Cobblers always say they're suited for the work.
Nowadays you could name the days by what guild is trying something or other, but this is the only one anybody falls for. I don't know that they sell too many shoes out of it, though. See these? Flatfen work. Tomorrow us Potters will waste everybody's time. Don't bother watching, but take a look at our pots and vases if you've got a want. Hope you have a nice stay in Cranburst, stranger.
Saturday, January 23, 2021
Friday, January 22, 2021
The Limits of Fiction
Make sure not to make your fiction too realistic, or you risk replacing our world with one of your own invention. That wouldn't be so bad if your taste weren't terrible, but here we are.
Motivational Message
Always reach for the stars!
Prerequisite: Have a spaceship with some sort of star-grasping device
Prerequisite: Have a spaceship with some sort of star-grasping device
Thursday, January 21, 2021
Tuesday, January 19, 2021
Cuisine Scene
Remember you can pickle tons of stuff. Make sure to spend at least thirty pages talking about pickling to stretch that manuscript out.
Structured Discussion Topics
After reading that story, consider the following questions:
- Do legendary warriors like jokes, or is the only joke that you think you could defeat them with your weak skills?
- Are individual names a mistake because they make people feel like they're special for no reason?
- Are "humorous anecdotes" actually funny? Support your response.
- Do legendary warriors like jokes, or is the only joke that you think you could defeat them with your weak skills?
- Are individual names a mistake because they make people feel like they're special for no reason?
- Are "humorous anecdotes" actually funny? Support your response.
Monday, January 18, 2021
Entertainment Is Its Own World
The only factor which moderated the laughter in Planterson's was the number of diners inside. The first floor had never been empty since Planterson started offering food, drinks, and entertainment for the businessmen who came to deal with him or meet one another on neutral ground, an innovation being adopted by more than one property owner with an eye for trends, but it was not often full. A merchant here and a guard there at different tables made up the few witnesses to the finest performance any of them had ever seen.
Planterson allowed not only musicians and reciters of poetry to take the floor but also jugglers, acrobats, dancers, and practitioners of public legerdemain who, feeling the intensifying competition in the entertainment industry keenly, had been doing more and more to spice up their acts. At the time a mercantile association junior member named Waxerson was juggling cheeses while telling humorous anecdotes in a dialect spoken far from Latemarket that readied the audience for mirth on its own.
No one there had ever enjoyed such a diverting spectacle, but the merriment was interrupted when a phantasmal woman appeared, embraced Waxerson, and disappeared, him along with her.
The laughter stopped. "What happened?" A patron, Glazerson by name, asked an older man sitting nearby for an explanation as if a few years gave the answer to every question there was.
"No need to concern yourself," the older man said. "He's been taken by a comedy valkyrie is all. To Valhalla. Seen it many a time."
"Oh . . . oh, really?"
"Yes sir. Not that it happens often. Not at all. But I've followed the career of every promising humorist I ever caught word of for, oh, six hundred years now and more. You get so these things don't surprise you so much."
"You mean . . . you're saying you're the immortal sage, Counter?"
"I don't recall saying so, but that's my name."
"Racing heavens! Wait till I tell everybody back home! So, what is the secret to immortality?"
Counter shrugged. "Don't remember. It's been six hundred years."
"Oh, yes, of course."
A caravan guard stood up and sang a song from his homeland so as not to allow the entertainment to die down for good. All agreed he was decent but was unlikely to summon a song valkyrie.
Finis
Planterson allowed not only musicians and reciters of poetry to take the floor but also jugglers, acrobats, dancers, and practitioners of public legerdemain who, feeling the intensifying competition in the entertainment industry keenly, had been doing more and more to spice up their acts. At the time a mercantile association junior member named Waxerson was juggling cheeses while telling humorous anecdotes in a dialect spoken far from Latemarket that readied the audience for mirth on its own.
No one there had ever enjoyed such a diverting spectacle, but the merriment was interrupted when a phantasmal woman appeared, embraced Waxerson, and disappeared, him along with her.
The laughter stopped. "What happened?" A patron, Glazerson by name, asked an older man sitting nearby for an explanation as if a few years gave the answer to every question there was.
"No need to concern yourself," the older man said. "He's been taken by a comedy valkyrie is all. To Valhalla. Seen it many a time."
"Oh . . . oh, really?"
"Yes sir. Not that it happens often. Not at all. But I've followed the career of every promising humorist I ever caught word of for, oh, six hundred years now and more. You get so these things don't surprise you so much."
"You mean . . . you're saying you're the immortal sage, Counter?"
"I don't recall saying so, but that's my name."
"Racing heavens! Wait till I tell everybody back home! So, what is the secret to immortality?"
Counter shrugged. "Don't remember. It's been six hundred years."
"Oh, yes, of course."
A caravan guard stood up and sang a song from his homeland so as not to allow the entertainment to die down for good. All agreed he was decent but was unlikely to summon a song valkyrie.
Finis
Saturday, January 16, 2021
Q&A
Q. What's the best way to develop a consistent magic system?
A. Use your planar telescope to spy on another dimension's magic.
A. Use your planar telescope to spy on another dimension's magic.
Friday, January 15, 2021
Thursday, January 14, 2021
But What of Space?
Scifi books, on the other hand, will all be murder mysteries in underwater facilities.
Tuesday, January 12, 2021
The Next Big Trend
Our sources inform us every single fantasy story released for the next three years will take place in a thinly disguised Regency England. Buckle up for adventure!
The Ins and Outs of Romance
While romance means no cream, certain romance-adjacent setups can have plenty of cream.
Sunday, January 10, 2021
Road Festival
You say the Road Festival is a ludicrous celebration and only an excuse to get out of work? You couldn't be more wrong. Let me tell you why.
Long ago, we had no roads and travel was hard. Boots wore out all the time. Then one day, two brothers fell out with each other. We call them Older Brother and Younger Brother because names hadn't been invented yet. Anyway, they had some words to say over who owned what land. Fences didn't exist then either.
Sometimes words are enough and sometimes they aren't. The feud got rough and Older Brother wanted to take the dispute to some impartial third parties, so he whomped Little Brother and dragged him all the way to town. We don't know what town it was since it didn't have a name for reasons stated earlier.
What the townsfolk thought about the dispute failed to make the histories because both brothers ended up godly rich anyway after people found out how much nicer it was to travel where Younger Brother's back had smoothed out the way. After that the brothers made all kinds of roads, though Younger Brother didn't like doing it so much as Older Brother did.
That's why we hold the Road Festival and pay attention to its lessons. Take nothing for granted, even roads, and always take your brother to court like tradition tells you to.
Finis
Long ago, we had no roads and travel was hard. Boots wore out all the time. Then one day, two brothers fell out with each other. We call them Older Brother and Younger Brother because names hadn't been invented yet. Anyway, they had some words to say over who owned what land. Fences didn't exist then either.
Sometimes words are enough and sometimes they aren't. The feud got rough and Older Brother wanted to take the dispute to some impartial third parties, so he whomped Little Brother and dragged him all the way to town. We don't know what town it was since it didn't have a name for reasons stated earlier.
What the townsfolk thought about the dispute failed to make the histories because both brothers ended up godly rich anyway after people found out how much nicer it was to travel where Younger Brother's back had smoothed out the way. After that the brothers made all kinds of roads, though Younger Brother didn't like doing it so much as Older Brother did.
That's why we hold the Road Festival and pay attention to its lessons. Take nothing for granted, even roads, and always take your brother to court like tradition tells you to.
Finis
Saturday, January 9, 2021
Writing Advice
Remember that romance uses the same letters as no cream. If you want cream in your story, and you do, stay away from romance.
Reminder
Your latest story does have a sewer section, right? I'm sure it does, but things get busy around this time of year and people forget things.
Friday, January 8, 2021
Worst Lost Continent Honorable Mentions
Ys wasn't even a continent, which arguably makes it the worst one.
Thursday, January 7, 2021
Addendum
Of course you can have fighting tournaments with familiars, but watch out you don't get sued. Can clumsy maids compete in fighting tournaments along with their familiars wearing tophats? Most assuredly, my friends.
Wednesday, January 6, 2021
Tuesday, January 5, 2021
Sunday, January 3, 2021
The Gates of War
A ceremony not seen in eighty years! The horns blew, the drums beat, the dancers danced through the streets and on the roofs to welcome the day at last the temple of war would close its gates.
Emperor Diligent VI presided of course, and to adorn the occasion with as much dignity as it deserved he had invited the head of every known state to attend, the kings and princes, the archons and doges, the chiefs and patriarchs. Some came in person and some sent representatives, but none ignored the invitation. Even if their own countries were still at war with one enemy or another, to see their most powerful and most intrusive neighbor declare itself to be at peace had to figure in the exacting calculations of statecraft once they confirmed it to be true.
It was true. The priests closed the enormous doors, sealing dreadful war inside and leaving peace and joy to run through the streets. Everyone was elated, all were jubilant. Even the dour Basileus Eides smiled and made a jest there in the capital of his people's ancient rival. "It is very fine that War is locked up, though I do think there was no need to inter also Taste and Fashion, as I gather has been done judging by Your Imperial Majesty's garments."
Diligent VI made a sign. The priests swung the doors back open.
Emperor Diligent VI presided of course, and to adorn the occasion with as much dignity as it deserved he had invited the head of every known state to attend, the kings and princes, the archons and doges, the chiefs and patriarchs. Some came in person and some sent representatives, but none ignored the invitation. Even if their own countries were still at war with one enemy or another, to see their most powerful and most intrusive neighbor declare itself to be at peace had to figure in the exacting calculations of statecraft once they confirmed it to be true.
It was true. The priests closed the enormous doors, sealing dreadful war inside and leaving peace and joy to run through the streets. Everyone was elated, all were jubilant. Even the dour Basileus Eides smiled and made a jest there in the capital of his people's ancient rival. "It is very fine that War is locked up, though I do think there was no need to inter also Taste and Fashion, as I gather has been done judging by Your Imperial Majesty's garments."
Diligent VI made a sign. The priests swung the doors back open.
Saturday, January 2, 2021
Addendum
The good news is that with every year that passes, more years are behind us. The 2000s are fantasy now!
Friday, January 1, 2021
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