Wednesday, December 30, 2020
Important Location Table
You've come up with some arbitrary item of plot convenience like the best writers do, but oh no! You forgot you had to put it somewhere! That's no problem. Run to your favorite chance-dependent selection mechanism and prepare to have the work done for you.
1 Ruined temple
2 Evil knight's castle
3 Bank vault
4 The moon
5 Lakebed
6 Collection belonging to wealthy widow
7 Astral plane
8 Ghost ship
9 Fortuneteller's tent
10 The future
11 Giant's stomach
12 Child's Christmas stocking
This adventure is really heating up! What will our heroes do? What can they do?
1 Ruined temple
2 Evil knight's castle
3 Bank vault
4 The moon
5 Lakebed
6 Collection belonging to wealthy widow
7 Astral plane
8 Ghost ship
9 Fortuneteller's tent
10 The future
11 Giant's stomach
12 Child's Christmas stocking
This adventure is really heating up! What will our heroes do? What can they do?
Monday, December 28, 2020
A Monumental Occasion
The latest epic fantasy shared world has begun! Did the returning characters charm you? What about the mysteries yet to unfold? Give me all your money.
The King and the Mountain
How Prince Ulrich conquered the mountain king is all anyone can talk about, as if they have all forgotten the greatest of mountains relinquished its position long ago. If no one else will call it to mind, I suppose the task is mine.
Once upon a time, a king looked over his kingdom where no mountains ranged and no hills rolled and realized he would have no high, strong place to build his castle unless he imported one. He sent Hugo his sculptor to fetch a mountain and thought about it no more.
Hugo traveled and judged every mountain, but found none of them suitable for the project until he came across the Ebenkopf, high and wide and flat. Rejoicing, he tried to pick up the mountain and haul it away, but it blew its winds at him and dropped its rocks so that Hugo had to admit to failure for the first time. "My king, my king, the mountain is too much for me!" That was what he had to say.
The king sent his strongest knight then, and Manfred rode straight there bearing his mighty blade that was wider than Hugo and sharper too. He hewed at the mountain to make it portable, but the Ebenkopf buffeted him with boulders and wearied him with winds so that the work was hard. "My king, my king, the mountain refuses your invitation!" That was what he had to say.
Then the king remembered he had not invited the mountain at all, though he had never been so rude before. Red-faced, he sent Anselm his priest to smooth things over. Anselm put on his whitest garments and walked to the foot of the Ebenkopf where he spoke. "Lord of mountains! King Rudolph has not slept since he heard of your qualities! Before he thought his realm fair, but now he considers only the land where you dwell worth anything at all. Take pity, sky-piercing Ebenkopf, on that ruler of men and come. Accept his friendship and our regard. Before we celebrated the summer and spring. Bless us and we will celebrate you for as long as the king's castle stands.
Hearing that, the mountain decided to take a vacation in King Rudolph's lands for a millennium or two. It uprooted itself, waddled over, and set itself deep in the ground so that only the highest part of it showed itself. King Rudolph built his castle there on that hill and propitiated the Ebenkopf with a festival that is held every year to this very day.
Finis
Once upon a time, a king looked over his kingdom where no mountains ranged and no hills rolled and realized he would have no high, strong place to build his castle unless he imported one. He sent Hugo his sculptor to fetch a mountain and thought about it no more.
Hugo traveled and judged every mountain, but found none of them suitable for the project until he came across the Ebenkopf, high and wide and flat. Rejoicing, he tried to pick up the mountain and haul it away, but it blew its winds at him and dropped its rocks so that Hugo had to admit to failure for the first time. "My king, my king, the mountain is too much for me!" That was what he had to say.
The king sent his strongest knight then, and Manfred rode straight there bearing his mighty blade that was wider than Hugo and sharper too. He hewed at the mountain to make it portable, but the Ebenkopf buffeted him with boulders and wearied him with winds so that the work was hard. "My king, my king, the mountain refuses your invitation!" That was what he had to say.
Then the king remembered he had not invited the mountain at all, though he had never been so rude before. Red-faced, he sent Anselm his priest to smooth things over. Anselm put on his whitest garments and walked to the foot of the Ebenkopf where he spoke. "Lord of mountains! King Rudolph has not slept since he heard of your qualities! Before he thought his realm fair, but now he considers only the land where you dwell worth anything at all. Take pity, sky-piercing Ebenkopf, on that ruler of men and come. Accept his friendship and our regard. Before we celebrated the summer and spring. Bless us and we will celebrate you for as long as the king's castle stands.
Hearing that, the mountain decided to take a vacation in King Rudolph's lands for a millennium or two. It uprooted itself, waddled over, and set itself deep in the ground so that only the highest part of it showed itself. King Rudolph built his castle there on that hill and propitiated the Ebenkopf with a festival that is held every year to this very day.
Finis
Saturday, December 26, 2020
The Reason for the Season
It's boxing day, so don't forget people have always enjoyed the spectacle of boxing when you're writing your novel.
Thursday, December 24, 2020
Wednesday, December 23, 2020
Best and Worst Books of the Year
The best are the ones I like. The worst . . . well, I'll leave that to your imagination.
Lessons on Realism from Santa
If we can learn one thing from Christmas, it's that most songs have dumb lyrics. Don't be afraid to put dumb songs in your fantasy or scifi book too.
Tuesday, December 22, 2020
History Addendum
Wow! What a story! He should have sent a notice first, though.
Historically speaking, policemen are somewhat rare, but let's have a good time here.
Historically speaking, policemen are somewhat rare, but let's have a good time here.
Sunday, December 20, 2020
Challenge of the Werethief
Crime! Police ran through the streets of Priscarbs but the news ran faster, the news that the Curtains of Heaven had been stolen from the residence of the Dowager Duchess of Vernaseges. Those pearls were worth more than half the city, and now they were in criminal hands.
Whose hands? Who else but Hisfendivarius the Werethief? Any daring crime was credited to that mysterious maestro of robbery whose true appearance was unknown. The hoi polloi would say Hisfendivarius stole the sun to explain a cloudy day and laugh at the police for letting him get away.
This time, though, it was true. The Dowager Duchess's servants reported seeing a hawk, a monkey, a cat, and a slithering snake. The police knew what that meant, but not what to do about it. Inspectors and custodes ran hither trying this and thither looking for that, each method seeming as good as any other when it came to catching a thief who had never been caught. Inspector Iagius had his own theory.
"Falgunus, if that thief has gone so much as a dozen yards away, I've never learned a thing in all my years on the job. But I think I have, and I think he hasn't."
"Yes, sir. What do you want me to do then, sir?"
"Have your restraints in hand and be ready to act on my word."
The inspector and the custos crept around the robbed residence, looking for a culprit who could look like anything. The wonder was not that Hisfendivarius stole the Curtains of Heaven, but that it took him so long to get around to it when his techniques were unopposable.
"Hold on a moment, Falgunus. I must tighten up my laces. I'll quit tomorrow if I trip tonight. Just stand right there if you would while I . . . Now! Get that zebra!"
Custos Falgunus twisted around and tossed his loop over the neck of the inconspicuous zebra behind him which struggled and spat and turned into a man. Hisfendivarius!
"You finally slipped up, my lad. If only you knew that zebras don't live here. I only know what one is because my little ones love the zoo so."
The crestfallen Hisfendivarius shook his head. "I don't know what a zebra is. I don't pick what I turn into, you know. It's just always worked out until now is all."
Another impossible case solved by Inspector Iagius!
Whose hands? Who else but Hisfendivarius the Werethief? Any daring crime was credited to that mysterious maestro of robbery whose true appearance was unknown. The hoi polloi would say Hisfendivarius stole the sun to explain a cloudy day and laugh at the police for letting him get away.
This time, though, it was true. The Dowager Duchess's servants reported seeing a hawk, a monkey, a cat, and a slithering snake. The police knew what that meant, but not what to do about it. Inspectors and custodes ran hither trying this and thither looking for that, each method seeming as good as any other when it came to catching a thief who had never been caught. Inspector Iagius had his own theory.
"Falgunus, if that thief has gone so much as a dozen yards away, I've never learned a thing in all my years on the job. But I think I have, and I think he hasn't."
"Yes, sir. What do you want me to do then, sir?"
"Have your restraints in hand and be ready to act on my word."
The inspector and the custos crept around the robbed residence, looking for a culprit who could look like anything. The wonder was not that Hisfendivarius stole the Curtains of Heaven, but that it took him so long to get around to it when his techniques were unopposable.
"Hold on a moment, Falgunus. I must tighten up my laces. I'll quit tomorrow if I trip tonight. Just stand right there if you would while I . . . Now! Get that zebra!"
Custos Falgunus twisted around and tossed his loop over the neck of the inconspicuous zebra behind him which struggled and spat and turned into a man. Hisfendivarius!
"You finally slipped up, my lad. If only you knew that zebras don't live here. I only know what one is because my little ones love the zoo so."
The crestfallen Hisfendivarius shook his head. "I don't know what a zebra is. I don't pick what I turn into, you know. It's just always worked out until now is all."
Another impossible case solved by Inspector Iagius!
Saturday, December 19, 2020
Science Fiction Advice
If your science fiction setting seems unsatisfactory, try making everything bigger. Much bigger. Small junk is for fantasy.
Friday, December 18, 2020
History Corner
For most of human history, the vast majority of the population was engaged in food production. People didn't write stories about that then either, so don't feel obliged now.
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Q&A
Q. Why doesn't more fantasy take place in stone age times?
A. Stone age times are boring.
Q. Why doesn't more fantasy take place in Regency times?
A. Regents are always bad. You should know that.
Q. Why doesn't more science fiction take place in Egyptian times?
A. Because you haven't written it yet, my friend.
A. Stone age times are boring.
Q. Why doesn't more fantasy take place in Regency times?
A. Regents are always bad. You should know that.
Q. Why doesn't more science fiction take place in Egyptian times?
A. Because you haven't written it yet, my friend.
Wednesday, December 16, 2020
Advice from the Heart
If you include a waterfall in your story, put something behind it. Anything. A cave, a monster, the ruins of an ancient civilization, anything at all. How would you like it if a gun in the first act didn't go off in the third?
There'd better be something on that second moon too, if you know what's good for you.
There'd better be something on that second moon too, if you know what's good for you.
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Monday, December 14, 2020
A Moonlit Visit
Even under the moonlight the palace halls permitted traffic as the night shift dusted and polished and saw to the needs of late sleepers, whether guests or staff or functionaries. Even then noise was permitted, for the enormous sums Martial Companion Urfen had spent on magical technicians to soundproof every room were not paid so that his servants had to tiptoe around and get barely any work done. Even then the palace was alive.
So it was every night, every night except one cold night when snow and moonlight covered the palace and no servant walked the halls. No servant of the palace, that is. A single figure strode through the halls without trepidation, and why not? Everyone who belonged in the palace was asleep as the figure had arranged and would remain so exactly as long as the figure desired. Some uncertainty, some risk would have attended the matter if the palace's denizens had been drugged, but clients did not employ the Society of Moonlight Visitors for uncertainty and risk. Soundproofing adjusted to interfere with consciousness as well as sound waves was the sort of sure technique that justified the Society's extravagant fees.
That night when the palace died, the figure made straight for the master's chamber with no attempt at stealth and opened the doors as if expected. The Martial Companion failed to greet his guest, shameful behavior in a host, but the Visitor expressed no displeasure. Instead the figure reached inside its warm coat and drew out a dagger . . .
The sunlight cleared away the snow bit by bit and the palace's dwellers awoke the same way. The still form of the palace's master remained undisturbed until a servant entered with a tray and shrieked in surprise.
"Lord Urfen! There's something on the table!"
The master stirred then and groaned, then sat up. "Best night I've had in weeks. What's this? Ah! The ornamental dagger I so admired when Sacred Master Ezdo showed me it! He's sent it as a gift, that sly old bligblagger!"
Merry Christmas everybody!
So it was every night, every night except one cold night when snow and moonlight covered the palace and no servant walked the halls. No servant of the palace, that is. A single figure strode through the halls without trepidation, and why not? Everyone who belonged in the palace was asleep as the figure had arranged and would remain so exactly as long as the figure desired. Some uncertainty, some risk would have attended the matter if the palace's denizens had been drugged, but clients did not employ the Society of Moonlight Visitors for uncertainty and risk. Soundproofing adjusted to interfere with consciousness as well as sound waves was the sort of sure technique that justified the Society's extravagant fees.
That night when the palace died, the figure made straight for the master's chamber with no attempt at stealth and opened the doors as if expected. The Martial Companion failed to greet his guest, shameful behavior in a host, but the Visitor expressed no displeasure. Instead the figure reached inside its warm coat and drew out a dagger . . .
The sunlight cleared away the snow bit by bit and the palace's dwellers awoke the same way. The still form of the palace's master remained undisturbed until a servant entered with a tray and shrieked in surprise.
"Lord Urfen! There's something on the table!"
The master stirred then and groaned, then sat up. "Best night I've had in weeks. What's this? Ah! The ornamental dagger I so admired when Sacred Master Ezdo showed me it! He's sent it as a gift, that sly old bligblagger!"
Merry Christmas everybody!
Sunday, December 13, 2020
Inspirational Quotations
"Fudge one detail and they call it inaccurate. Fudge a million details and they call it fantasy." - Thomas Jefferson
Friday, December 11, 2020
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
Writing Exercise
If your writing is feeling stale, try crafting a short story without ever using the word "contumelious." That will make you consider the words you use more carefully.
Monday, December 7, 2020
Sunday, December 6, 2020
Public Duties
"If anyone seeks an exemption from public duties, make your request now," First Archon Oivers announced. One man covered in glowing golden armor and a shimmering cape woven from a material not known to any mortal artisan stood. "Citizen Aedren, you may speak."
"I don't want an exemption as such," Aedren began.
"Then your business will wait. Who else? No one?"
Only Aedren responded. "No one can request an exemption, because I've been assigned all of them. Every chorus, every ship, every road repair, all of them."
"Ah, that is true. I had not noticed. Well, you are very wealthy. Or do you dispute the wealth assessment?"
"No, I am rich now, but I want to say two things. First, there are still other rich people in the city, so this seems unfair. Second, I would say the way I got that wealth was in the nature of public service, so I deserve some consideration."
Archon Oivers was having none of it. "Oh? And what was this 'public service,' young man?"
"What was . . . I killed hundreds of monsters, slew Warlord Yurzax, destroyed the Annihilation Star, placated the spirit of Sorcerer Gemmat, and destroyed H'clider, the god of evil that turned out to be an ancient machine beyond the control of today's humans." In response to Archon Oivers's blank look he added, "I saved the world! More than once!"
"Well, I am sure you did fine work, but we are not concerned with all that today. We are discussing exemptions for the year's public duties."
And that was when the hero Aedren conquered the city and installed himself as tyrant, and I must say we have all been happier ever since.
Finis
"I don't want an exemption as such," Aedren began.
"Then your business will wait. Who else? No one?"
Only Aedren responded. "No one can request an exemption, because I've been assigned all of them. Every chorus, every ship, every road repair, all of them."
"Ah, that is true. I had not noticed. Well, you are very wealthy. Or do you dispute the wealth assessment?"
"No, I am rich now, but I want to say two things. First, there are still other rich people in the city, so this seems unfair. Second, I would say the way I got that wealth was in the nature of public service, so I deserve some consideration."
Archon Oivers was having none of it. "Oh? And what was this 'public service,' young man?"
"What was . . . I killed hundreds of monsters, slew Warlord Yurzax, destroyed the Annihilation Star, placated the spirit of Sorcerer Gemmat, and destroyed H'clider, the god of evil that turned out to be an ancient machine beyond the control of today's humans." In response to Archon Oivers's blank look he added, "I saved the world! More than once!"
"Well, I am sure you did fine work, but we are not concerned with all that today. We are discussing exemptions for the year's public duties."
And that was when the hero Aedren conquered the city and installed himself as tyrant, and I must say we have all been happier ever since.
Finis
Saturday, December 5, 2020
Random Filler Table
Uh oh! You wrote a novel and forgot all the filler! How can you get up to 700,000 words that way? Don't worry, that's why erasers have pencils. Simply use the ideas from this list to start off your filler sections. Optionally, use a random number generator to determine the order, but you have to use all of them.
1 Feast description
2 A letter from home
3 A maid's perspective
4 Training montage
5 Town where something seems off (they're all in a cult)
6 Magic school!
7 Sea voyage
8 Dreams
9 Romeo and Juliet side plot
10 something something humans destroy nature how sad
11 My wallet/purse/bag was stolen!
12 Mansion where something seems off (vampires)
If you're writing book 2 or later of a series, feel free to make one of these ideas the entire plot.
1 Feast description
2 A letter from home
3 A maid's perspective
4 Training montage
5 Town where something seems off (they're all in a cult)
6 Magic school!
7 Sea voyage
8 Dreams
9 Romeo and Juliet side plot
10 something something humans destroy nature how sad
11 My wallet/purse/bag was stolen!
12 Mansion where something seems off (vampires)
If you're writing book 2 or later of a series, feel free to make one of these ideas the entire plot.
Three Act Structure
In the first act, have something happen. This act should take up about 5% of your novel. At the end, have something else happen. This third act should be another 5%. The second act should be 90% of your novel. There is no need for anything to happen in this act.
Thursday, December 3, 2020
Science Fiction Musings
In space, will people still enjoy trampolines? Keep that in mind while constructing your setting.
Tuesday, December 1, 2020
History Corner
In the past, people had music but it was mostly bad. Keep this in mind when constructing your setting.
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