Another Marketing Failure

I don't see cooper as a fantasy profession too often, and I suspect the reason is that it doesn't sound at all like what it is. Contrast that with smiths or vintners. Admittedly I don't see many vintners, but I think we should all ignore that for the time being.

An Argument Against Orbital Bombardment

If your doomships can even achieve orbit, your space empire isn't cool enough. Quite frankly, planets should be orbiting them.

A Haunting Thought

Somewhere, a superintelligence is watching us, recording everything we do in its infinite memory, and putting us all in a tier list for the amusement of its fellow superintelligences. I don't think most of us are doing too hot.

How to Revive Science Fiction

Friends but in space. I don't mean a show like Friends, I mean reuse the scripts with computer-generated members of the cast wearing shirts with moons and rockets on them.

The Dire Warning of Highguard

The newest sensation seems not to be doing so hot. Since it has elements of both science fiction and fantasy, we'd better all switch over to alt history or romantic comedy for the next fifteen years or so. Keep your detailed settings under the pillow and await the changed wind.

An Observation on Recent Weather Patterns

Winter? More like wintest!

Intervention of the Dungeon Sage

Calamity! There was no other word for it outside of synonyms. Dozens of miners were trapped below, and worse than that, the mine might not resume operations for years. Owners and managers could do nothing but stand apart and compete in frowning.
"Pardon me." Normally people gawked without introducing themselves, but one look at this man precluded any idea he could be normal. "I came to investigate the new dungeon. Is that it over there?"
"Dungeon Sage Hesperno!"
"I suppose a mine could be used as a dungeon . . ."
"Please use your magic to make a stable new opening! And save the miners if it's convenient. Don't forget the opening, please!"
"If they're on the way. So that is the new dungeon?" Receiving confirmation, the sage advanced and, using proprietary techniques, descended. Within the day awed miners began emerging. Not more than a week later, Hesperno came out, wiped his hands, and sought the nearest owner.
"I've cleared everything out. Thank you for the nice dungeon. I liked the sorcerer-slug that was sinking curses into all the ore. It was different."
"The what?"
"It was a little exotic but not self-indulgent. Goodbye. I'll come back after you've expanded it some."
And so it transpired.
Finis

Warhammer 40k Seems to Be Doing Well These Days

Is it because it keeps having the same problems it's always had while other genre franchises have been trying to kill themselves as inventively as possible? Yes.

Addendum

All books. Already you should have AIs reading everything for you, and that's only going to be more true as we proceed into science fictional realms.

Authenticity

To give readers a real old-timey experience, books should be writtenwithoutspacesorpunctuationnoidonotmeanjustfantasy

Addendum

As for the other myths, the internet has made their meaning obvious. For thousands of years people wondered about the symbolic significance of, for instance, Cronos and his devouring of his children. Turns out it's just fetish stuff. All of it. We just didn't know people existed who liked that kind of thing.

Mythological Interpretation

Certain myths have the obvious purpose of explaining why a place or thing has the name it does. The Hellespont, for example. However!!?!?!! If that's the case, why do so many names not have myths appended? Do we just not have them? Were the sources of most names widely known or obvious similar to the approximately 5,000 places called Newcastle after translation? The likeliest cause is that the Hellespont was actually named after or at least by somebody a persuasive mythographer didn't like and wanted to erase. The second-likeliest is that mankind came here from another world and carried over most names from there but needed a few new ones. Third-likeliest is that all such myths, when put together and interpreted, tell us where the treasure is, and that's the one on which I'm banking.

Fashion Acknowledgment

It would have been far trendier to give a certain champion enchanted greaves instead of boots, but did he strike you as a trendy person? That's something writers call "characterization."

Against the Four Gates

King Ploutimos gathered up riches from his various conquests and stored them in his citadel at Hosses. He made no secret about it but rather boasted.
"And he who can win entrance can have the whole of it, but it will be too hard for any of you. For the wall has four gates through it. The northern is of iron and is guarded by Kyromedes whose helmet blunts every weapon. At the southern which is of bronze I have set Proimenos whose boots impart such deftness of movement that the ignorant swear he can fly. The west, which is silver, has at it the wielder of the dagger which when sheathed becomes coated in a poison that afflicts every man and monster equally, who is Phaimander. The golden gate to the east is defended by Archeuros, and to speak of him and his spear is useless, because none will challenge him."
The bold and the desperate made attempts on this gate or that, and many were the deaths and shameful retreats that resulted till Telephas son of Diophas came and laid Kyromedes low. He did not enter the citadel then but instead took the helmet and wore it against Phaimander, whose dagger then slew Archeuros, whose spear soon impaled Proimenos.
Even then Telephas did not enter but rather left Hosses entirely, saying he had no means to transport wealth where he had need to go, and that others might enjoy it as they wished.
Finis

The Key Role of Different Languages in Fantasy

When there's a poem, song, or convoluted prophecy, put it in a different language so that you can present a stripped-down prose translation to the readers instead of actually writing it.

On Height

When Apollodorus (Pseudo-Apollodorus if you want to be mean) declared Heracles to have been four cubits tall, he presumably did not intend to make that legendary figure a target of ridicule. Yesterday's giant is today's manlet it seems. For that reason, be sure to describe your hero in this way: "He was tall and handsome by the standards of your time and place." There, insulated. If you don't want your hero to be tall, yes you do.

Addendum

I presume we'll already have magic by then. If not, we should start with dwarves.

Grim but Inevitable Future Conflict

When genetic modification techniques have advanced to the point where we can make elves, how will we decide what interpretation to use? Decades of internecine war, of course. I'll be rooting for tall, but outside of that I can be flexible, even collaborative.

Addendum

Your Jabberjaw revival could benefit as well.

Classic Inspiration

Have you ever noticed how many old detective stories that aren't murder-based are about attempted thefts of torpedo plans? In the distant, spacefaring future, the same may well occur.

Undeniable Evidence of Something

"Humanity has settled one hundred twelve planets at the last official count and yet the bulk of us live on eight planets. The population of most planets does not exceed ten million. I'll leave ideas about incentives, forced emigration, inefficiency, medical prioritization, homogenization, etc. to others. We have to deal with ramifications, not policies.
"Transportation has never been more desired. A grandmother from Podunk III goes shopping on Bazaar Prime and relaxes with tea on Cheap and Classy VI; that's what people expect today. A commute between Mine World and Apartment World might take less time than two cities on Earth, on the same continent, in the same time zone.
"This isn't news. It isn't something the market has remained ignorant of. There are countless companies scrabbling for these passengers. How does anyone stand out? How do we stand out?
"Our new interstellar liner is our answer. What does it offer? Animal sacrifice. You can see the labels where the pens and the altar are seated. Passengers can enjoy the standard service and even pay for extra ceremonies up to the great hecatomb. Or, if they're worried more about the end than the middle, they can call on our registered haruspices to get an inkling of the future."
Shares of McHale Transportation dipped 27% upon the announcement. A year later, when safety statics compiled by governments, industry observers, and hobbyist groups were reviewed, share prices not only recovered but soared. Moreover, people began to talk seriously.
Finis

Adapting to Changing Times

Some books used to put a dramatis personae listing at the front, but the savvy know that you should include that at the start of every chapter. Ain't nobody paying attention.

Addendum

Nobody ever uses the Stymphalian birds. They're right not to. As to the Hydra, or a hydra if you want to be that way about it, imagine a hydra chef with its many heads gripping various spoons and pans.

Elephant in the Common Room

The main reason elephants aren't used more in fantasy is that they can't fit in an inn, making it harder to start an adventure. The solution is obvious. Open-air inns. That will also help harpies, and they sure need it.

Interstellar Worry

What will we do when we meet an intelligent alien species that doesn't have distinct fingerprints? They're gonna commit all the crimes! Our human police will be helpless.

Addendum

The switch will help us get away from current ridiculous generation names. We'll get Generation Zero, Generation One, and Generation Two. After that we'll go back to junk again, but there's beauty in the ephemeral.

Stuck on 2026

These numbers are getting too big. When are we moving to a new calendar? When Claude finishes Pokemon? Martian colony? First baby born in space? I want to be a year 1 guy making fun of year 10 babies.

The Most Valuable Currency

The general had the chief men of the city assembled, the surviving ones, and proclaimed to them their fate.
"You must pay tribute henceforth. Choose whether it will be in money every year or in men when we should call for them."
The chief men consulted and made this reply. "We have expended both in our defense. There is no surplus left to us in anything but difficulties; suppose we pledge to maintain a neverending series of rather simple problems so that your people can come here to level up."
The general praised them for their wisdom and allowed the substitution, the benefits of which soon manifested.
Finis

How to End Your Story

If you could figure out some way to have it quit to DOS, you should. Nothing's more satisfying than that.

Space Cuisine

High-altitude cooking is enough of a hassle as it is. How will high- and low-gravity cooking be, especially when combined with high-altitude, not to mention humidity and the inevitable mutations which will make for picky eaters?

The March of Time

Have you ever stopped to think that many of the arrogant young masters about whom you've read are already arrogant old masters? Or dead. That happens frequently.

Happy New Year!

See above.