Addendum

Maybe we can trick everybody into wearing VR setups for augmented literary experiences. Imagine hearing public domain music which kinda fits the text, all the while having your vitals monitored via your VR bodysuit so we can shock you if you start to fall asleep.

The Essential Next Step

Fellas, we gotta rig books to detect the heat and sweat of the fingers on the pages and then dynamically charge extra for the next few pages. The industry won't survive if we're remiss.

Question About Branch Rivalries

How smug do you think marines are toward space marines? Imagine being described by analogy. We don't call infantry "earth marines." They matter enough to get their own name. Absolutely ludicrous. Space marines, come on.

A Brutal Takedown

More like Dorkula and Van Smellthings! Wait, did Mad Magazine already do that?

Riding Turtles

Obviously you're thinking of a mammoth turtle, possibly with a crew of six, but don't forget to have one character ride around on tiny little turtle for contrast.

A Harsh but Deserved Penalty

"Once upon a time, the people were troubled. They all had the same question and no answers. In their confusion they went to the temple and prayed. 'King of the gods, please tell us how we can tell when spring ends and summer begins! We offer you six thousand bulls as sacrifice.'
"The great god heard them. He descended from his palace and said this. 'You don't have nearly enough problems if this is what you're praying for. I've decided you'll all die, most of you within a century of your birth.' And that is how humans became mortal."
"Wait," one of the children objected. "Why do I have to be mortal then? I never bothered any god about anything dumb like that."
"Maybe not, but you did wake me up to bug me about when's the next time we're going to the city," the father said, and that shut the little twerp up. But not for long, and therefore immortality is denied us still.
Moral: Don't pretend you don't know.
Finis

Speaking of Minotaurs

Riding a minotaur into battle is a waste of a good minotaur, so just ride a bull or a warcow instead. Don't forget to equip your warcow with a helmet that has more horns on it.

Inspirational Phrase of the Day

"Prismatic Minotaur"

Effective World Communication

Worried about how to get your setting across to the readers? Just have your characters be forced to enter a quiz competition. This segment should be 200 pages.

Thoughts on Wuthering Waves

This whole time I thought it was a period piece serving as an unofficial sequel to Wuthering Heights, but now everyone's telling me it's a mobile action-rpg with incredibly boring story sequences. It is a period piece, but the period is the post-apocalyptic future as is the case in every single Chinese mobile game except Langrisser Mobile. I think they're trying to tell us something.

The Simple Things

When you think about non-horse riding animals, obviously you go to lions, dragons, dinosaurs, and ostriches, but don't forget the humble camel. Camels are, one, stupid-looking, and two, ludicrous.

Proposal: Halloween 2

Halloween is fine for autumn-type horror, but what about the spring-summer type? Voracious sharks, rainstorms which force you to take refuge in a spooky house, and being shipwrecked on a remote island on which people hunt you for sport? April, May, and June don't have a whole lot going on.

The Extensive Limits of Mockery

The rebels smashed down the door, and their leader urged them forward. "Today, brothers, is the last we are deprived of our liberty! What can the tyrant do to us now?"
"Only this," the tyrant himself said. He strode toward the rebels, awe-inspiring in his cavalier attitude. He stopped but a foot from the leader and spoke. "Liberty shmiberty."
The rebels were amazed, struck dumb by his eloquence. "Retreat!" was all their leader managed to shout and all his followers could do.
As the tyrant turned to look for someone he could order to get a new door, a crowd came to it. "Master, a petition!" The man who presented it on behalf of every merchant in the country bowed in a servile enough fashion, but his hands were steady.
"You think your taxes are too high, eh? Taxes, shmaxes."
"I suppose you're right, master." The merchants withdrew, abashed.
The tyrant turned again, only to be halted again by the shouts of angry teens. Groaning, he gave them a minute of his time.
An athletic youth walked forward with a pugnacious look. "Hey man, what's the deal with banning our shindigs? There's nothing political about them, honest."
"Shindig . . . shindig . . . Argh!"
Thus did callow teenagers take over the government.
Finis

Trend Transcend

Bad: Atmospheric reentry
Rad: Non-horse riding animals

Addendum

I expect civilization there not to be very advanced, because the only reason to go to Jupiter is to get more stupider.

Speaking of Fantasy Happening on Other Planets

What do you think they're up to on Jupiter? Obviously nothing good, but what in particular? Is there a single wizard-king in his fell citadel or a metropolis which forces the rest of the planet to bend to its will? I bet it's the latter, and people on far continents think it's a holy place, for they are no better in truth.

Addendum

You could really play up the framing device, just bore everybody for no reason. Cast your one big name as the guy who looks at Mercury and give him at least 10 minutes each episode. Better yet, start the actual story in the last episode of the first season as a cliffhanger, then act surprised when there's no season two.

Streaming Pitch

If nobody's going to watch anyway, you might as well adapt The Worm Ouroboros. And don't try to pretend people are going to watch your streaming show. We all know.

The Truth of Art

The smile of Fabenouw the inventor, when he left his atelier that day, was heavier with menace than ever before. The citizens of Werdecu expected that sort of thing and thought nothing of it, a complacence which aided him in his scheme.
"Neighbors!" he called out. "This is my latest invention, the camera! It takes a picture of whatever I point it at! Limitations apply."
The city folk whistled and admired the object he flourished. They took his achievements more seriously than his attitude. "Is it expensive to operate?"
"A little pricey, but nothing unmanageable."
"Is it as good as Master Magonim's portraits?"
"Not yet, and that's why I want your help in developing it further. Wasn't it kind of Master Magonim to promise every one of us a portrait for free? Even though he warned it wouldn't be his best work, think of how much he's losing because of his charity. Now once this camera is better . . ."
The novelty would have been enough, but with the prospect of helping the generous Magonim added, the citizens rushed to participate. They even brought Magonim over despite his protestations. He struggled a little like a man of true humility.
Fabenouw chuckled with satisfaction when he retired to his atelier, but soon his wicked contentment succumbed to shock. "This one too! And this one! And him! Where are their souls? Does my camera not work after all?" Feverishly scanning his developed pictures, he grew increasingly agitated until one of them made his mood explode. "He already took them! Magonim! He has all their souls!" The inventor tore apart the portraitist's resemblance while he imagined greater tortures than that.
Finis

Addendum

And the covers!

The Dreadful Future

One day, authors will realize how easy it is to insert a note about somebody's feet every few chapters and how much of a boost they get from it, and pretty soon the feetsters will run the entire literature industry.

Addendum

"I grasped my phone and checked my messages. There were none." How much of a jerk would you feel like if you said that? Borgia-level at least, right?

Fantasy Word of the Day: Grasp

How often do you describe anyone as grasping something in daily life? Grasping for, sure, but grasp? I don't know if the problem is with fantasy or daily life. Now that I've said that, daily life is definitely the problem here.

Capitalization Condemnation

Title capitalization. It's stupid. "Of" and "and" are crucial words! Why shouldn't we capitalize them? Just capitalize everything. That's the better way. I may have said this before. Maybe I should make it a monthly post. Hourly? That's how things get done.

Nomenclature Gap

All mech properties know you need to call your mechs something different, whether mobile suits, arm slaves, or cataphracts. The rest of us are falling behind. Shouldn't your knights be dragon breakers and your wizards be elemsplays? No, but you see what I'm getting at. At what I am getting.

The King's Last Resort

The Gontic kingdom, long feared for its overwhelming might, faced its final days. How such a state befell it still puzzled all the peoples of the world, but nevertheless the armies of three kings surrounded their shared enemy. King Gons VII and his enflamed spirit looked over the enemies which surrounded his last redoubt not with resignation but with ferocity.
"In all this Gontic kingdom established by my ancestors at the behest of the gods and blessed them so that each of us is more than human, stronger on the field of battle than three normal soldiers at the weakest, is there no one who will bring me King Blanned's crown, his head still wearing it? The man who does shall have for his wife my own daughter!"
To the side, a warrior even then submitting his person to his squire and his attendants that they might arm him with the silver armor that once the war god wore before bequeathing it to Gons III for a service done him and the sword whose smith tested it on the earth and created Mykress Canyon, turned and scowled. "I intended to do just that," said Prince Haufen. "Now I cannot."
"My brave son! Know that I have never taken back a word I said. I will add this though, that he for whatever reason is not to wed my daughter will instead be given this peerless cup studded with one gem from every land in which I killed a dragon, for their hearts are clumps of such jewels!"
"So then, my sister is worth a single cup, you say? I've changed my ideas about which king to kill!"
The nobles rushed to restrain the two royals, a difficult task because of their heroic strength and mythical passion. In the end the father and son made a wager that whichever of them killed but one king owed an apology to the killer of two. The prince won, and as for the princess, she was left to wonder why her father wanted to get rid of her so badly.
Finis

Future Implausibility

It always seemed forced to me when people in a science fiction setting knew anything about the twentieth century, but now that everything's a remake of something from then, I'm starting to reassess.

Musings on the Past

There was a time when you could call your game Hydlide, and not only would you not be arrested, people would buy it. Goodness gracious.

The Newest Profession

Mercenary? More like mirthcenary! I don't know what that involves, but surely you're already getting ideas.

Spaceship Magic

Do you think spaceship magic depends on the ship's layout, its captain, its reactor, the special magic room, or the magic officer? I'm thinking the reactor, but I could be wrong.