The Hidden Burdens of Illegality

One day the king decreed a change to the law code. "The punishment for a criminal, justly tried, shall be equivalent to the harm suffered by the victims."
"How wise!" the advisors said. "How succinct! Then the murderer shall be put to death and the robber deprived of his goods."
"No!" The king stood and brought his hand down in a decisive gesture. "The murderer shall sit in a room listening to people prattle about matters of no consequence to him. The same for the robber, the adulterer, and the adjuster of scales. Every other crime shall have the same punishment."
"Surely the costs to the victims are not those," the advisors said, more doubtful than before.
"I am the king, and in every case brought before me, I am made a victim."
Soon crime vanished from the kingdom altogether.
Finis

Trend Mend

Done: A language people understand without having learned it.
Fun: Atmospheric reentry.

Standing Out From the Crowd

The next time you want to write "prithee," stop and write "pray thee" instead. Then watch the awards roll in.

Train Fantasy

I bet that would do pretty well. The problem is that anyone capable of writing convincing train fantasy is busy looking at trains.

Speaking of Novels

When is the novelty going to wear off? We need to see about getting them a real name. I propose "romances."

Renaming Flash Fiction

Li'l Novella or Novella-chan? Vote below!

Challenge of Spring

The year-round theft! The criminal bold enough to flout the laws ought to exhibit daring in his targets as well, but few did. At last a heroic burglar declared his intention to steal the entire year and acted accordingly. The Jewel of Summer, the Jewel of Winter, and the Jewel of Autumn were in his little pocket.
"Oh, it's terrible!" What else could the gallery owner say? The Jewel of Spring was his responsibility but not his to sell, which he would have done just to sleep again. The police were sweating too. They had failed three times.
Around the gate they were posted, around the rear entrance, the side entrance, the balcony, and the equivalent entrances of every adjacent building. Disguised inspectors walked up and down the street as if pondering a purchase while custodes mingled with the visitors.
"But it's up here that it's best to wait, Falgunus!" Inspector Iagius told his custos.
"What makes you say so, sir?"
"The oath I took when I became an inspector to use my wits instead of sticking to rote procedure and claiming it's the fault of the regulations when I fail, Falgunus." What a striking figure he was on the roof across the street, watching over the gallery like a sympathetic god!
Suddenly, the alarm. Policemen scrambled all over the ground level, the second level, and the third and fourth, but the thief was ahead of them. He jumped up the first flight of stairs, leapt up the second, and so on, until he hopped up to the gallery roof and then crossed the street with a single superhuman bound. Right into the waiting arms of Custos Falgunus! The malefactor's panicked struggles availed nothing against the brawny limbs of the law.
"You see, Falgunus? The wizard-crafter made this seasonal jewel to absorb the very power of spring. The lesson is to look into the qualities of what you're guarding and not just the price."
Another triumph for Inspector Iagius!
Finis

Addender

At least True Stories is real, but it always was. Who here has seen True Stories? I like True Stories.

Addendum

We're also way past due for Fist of the North Star to happen. Art just doesn't matter.

The Societal Implications of Art and Literature

Now that everybody's a big Dune-head, when are we going to legalize family atomics? Never? Sometimes I wonder if there's any point to all this.

An Avant-Garde Idea

A set of novels such that, no matter what order the individual person reads them, they're all really boring.

Science Fiction Warning and Informational Labels

Please post any of the following relevant items on the cover of your science fiction novel.

"Nothing actually happens"
"Something actually happens"
"A planet explodes"
"Humans only"
"Thinly veiled analogy for current societal problems which loses all applicability because of the aliens to which it's attached"
"Two planets explode"

Cover Design Philosophy

You publishers should probably put how many dragons are in the book right on the cover. What's that you say? A race of increasing dragon numbers will follow? Yes, exactly.

The Shepherd and the Egg

Once there was a shepherd who had fallen into lamentable poverty. He could barely do his job in the end, weakened by hunger as he was. Then, one day, he came across an egg unlike any other he had seen, for it was of many colors and shone as if made of gold. What more need be said? He cracked the egg with his crook, or tried to. It resisted his feeble first strike.
"Here is my second strike," he said, and struck it again. The egg wobbled.
"This is my third strike!" Summoning all the strength he had, the shepherd shouted and brought down his staff on the shell, which shattered. He hurried to collect as much of the egg as he could, but much soaked the ground. Sad, he sat down to eat, and as his sheep grazed around him, their wool changed into those many colors. Their wool became a prized item, and he was rescued from poverty at last.


The End


-- 500 Years Earlier --
"Grah!" The demon god roared as the mighty warrior's blade broke through its terrible hide and made an end of it.
"I have defeated you all here, all you demon gods," the warrior proclaimed.
"I cannot deny it," the demon god answered, and indeed the corpses of its several brethren were around it. "But for this we curse you! Your descendants will be of lowly station because of this curse. We meanwhile are gods. One day we will revive and attain the fullness of our power, a woeful day for all living things!"
"It may that your curse is sure to have its effect," the warrior said. "Do not think that my descendants will not shed your blood regardless. By this sword that has slain you, I swear that what I say has no falsehood in it."
Finis

How to Release a Novel

Rent a stadium and spray everyone with slime. You can tell them about your book after that, I guess.

Survivor Bias in Adaptations

Look around at poor adaptations, regardless of which medium to which other medium, and you'll see they have one factor in common: They're all based on stuff that came out. That's what holds adaptations back. Adapt something that got cancelled if you want to produce something with real imagination.

An Analysis of the Sales of Final Fantasy VII: The New One

On day one, people had just looked up what it was called and therefore knew what to buy. By day two, everyone had forgotten which was which. Hence the dropoff.

Proper Philosophy

Readers! Never forget that time is strictly linear, no matter what tricks scoundrels come up with to shake your conviction.

Incurable Mischief

Writers! Make sure to copy the first four pages of your book as the last four pages in reverse order so that people who flip to the end will learn about the cyclical nature of time.

Elaboration on the Current Literary Spirit

As established, right now is the action scene, but there's more to any story than just one thing. For instance, feel free to fill your story with lots of love. Love of fighting strong opponents! Love of defending the weak! Love of plunder! Romance is fine, too. The romance of the sword.

Technical Convergence and Daring

Combat is nothing but distance and execution. In space, the distances were too long. How could a projectile hit a moving target from so many miles away?
"And this is our answer," the engineer declared as he unveiled the latest warship. The latest propulsion, sensors, communication, yes, of course. What impressed the observers was the mock battle. Time after time neither combatant scratched the other, but this time, the prototype reached out a hundred miles away and socked the opposition with a big punchy arm. Space combat was solved.
The period of unwilling peace ended, and the country sent its warships against the foe only to find something that shocked them: Ships with two big punchy arms. The harsh lessons of war, already forgotten, again were learned.
Finis

Literature Corner

Some people ask, does every story really need a theme? Well, let me ask you this. Is every park a theme park? No? I was hoping you'd say yes, but there it is.

More Action

You were going to write about your setting's equivalent of the Magna Carta? Now it's the Fragna Carta. The stars are in some sort of alignment, an action alignment. For three months. After that, make everything all weepy.

How to Determine If a Work Is Serious Literature

Some people treat the main character well when they have a reason to or no reason not to: Puerile escapism.
Nothing good ever happens to the main character, not even a kind word: Realistic with depth.

Future Publishing Advancements

We already have books laced with drugs, but that just makes them to that particular book. How can we get people addicted to buying more books? Preferably ones that cost $3,200? The answer is nanodrugs. Technicians are already working on it, so you'd better start saving up.

Addendum

Please buy the same number of books or more, though. Hey, why are all you economists twitching like that?

Some Quick Math

According to my estimates, adjusting for inflation, books today should cost about $3,200 each. Readers have had it too good for too long. Who's with me?

Visible Progress

"These things that aren't fish."
"Yeah?" Neither man halted for the conversation. They had hauling to do.
"How come some of them have eight leg-thingies and others have more?"
"You don't know?"
"Would I have asked if I had? Your voice isn't that lovely. There, you've had enough time to make up an answer."
He shook his head. "No, everybody knows this one. We're just finding out you aren't an everybody. Sort of an outsider, if you will. They've got more legs because they leveled up more."
"That makes sense." The man looked closer at the squids and octopodes caught in the nets. "Yeah, it's not impossible, but . . . Whoa!"
Strong as they were and used to the work, the next load demanded from them almost more than they could give. They braced and they heaved, braced and heaved, and after more time than was reasonable, they hauled up a creature of the deepest sea so thick with appendages that they could be counted only after death stilled their owner.
"Tell me if you were kidding before, because if you weren't, this guy must be . . ."
"The one who killed the Nightmare Emperor!"
The fishermen bowed to the slimy hero and released him.
Finis

Has Someone Taken This Yet?

Dragon's Dragons

Because if nobody has, maybe humans deserve to die out after all.

History and Mythology Corner

Historically, plenty of people were willing to believe that certain gods and heroes were the same people as other gods and heroes in a different language. Far too willing, really.