The Grim Gramble

All was decadence and dancing in the palace when the Grim Gramble came to ruin the fun. The footmen tried to throw it out but were thrown out themselves. The head butler was buffeted hard. The stiff doors were revealed as primarily ornamental.
"I am the Grim Gramble," the thing declared as it moved to pacify the ballroom. The barons took up arms, the counts saddled up indoors though they were, and the dukes prepared themselves in every way to defend their significant privileges, but it was too much for them.
"The Grim Gramble is the grummiest," all wailed. "We cannot by any means withstand it."
"You're slow to learn," the thing told them, "but at last you know. I am the Grim Gramble, and I will have what is promised."
"We promised you nothing!" So cried the dukes, who kept track of that sort of thing.
"Did I say promised to me? I am the Grim Gramble, and if something is owed and not claimed, I will have it."
Hearing that, the nobles fled the palace all the way to a small estate where the master himself labored. They begged Edwin to take the throne after all, for they regretted what they had done.
Edwin listened and marched on back. When he stated his claim, the Grim Gramble lost its strength to resist and had a beating such as no more than a few deserve. Then Edwin became a king who ruled with less trouble than most, for the fractious nobles remembered the Grim Gramble, for one generation at least.
Finis

Fate Grand Order Anniversary!

Hoo boy! That was something, huh? I'm not sure it actually was, but you know how it is. I don't though.

The Future of Audiobooks

Soon every audiobook will be read by a digital recreation of Jack Benny, and future people won't understand why it was ever different.

Further Speculation in the Technology of LIterature

Books will never catch up with movies until we can have the cast dance at the end. Unfortunately, it seems our most promising minds have given up.

Addendum

A horn should go off if they try to bypass the lock so that everyone knows they're page pirates.

The Effect of Technology on Literature

Is there some way yet to make readers pass a quiz on the book before they can advance to the next page? Those jerks have had it too good for too long.

Worldbuilding Reminder

When you want to put in a samurai, ninja, camel knight, or something else in your setting but are worried it won't fit, stop being dumb and slap it in there. Who's the boss in this relationship? Are you going to let a setting push you around? Who's writing whom here, huh?

The Qualifications of Officials

Local knowledge of the Eternal Whirlpool should not have been necessary for anyone to stay away. And yet, one day townsfolk on the north shore and townsfolk on the south, two different towns, saw a boat rowing far too close to it.
"Hey! It's dangerous! Hey!" The southerners called out, grabbed ropes, and sailed as close as they dared. "Jump out! Swim over here! We'll haul you in!" But the northerners simply watched.
The lone man in the boat went against the warnings, ignored the stars, and thought nothing of the whirling waters. He rowed straight forward till the force of the Eternal Whirlpool made it impossible to do anything without curving. Down he spun, and then he was gone.
The southerners cried and wondered what had led up to the loss of life while the northerners looked as if they knew, as if the same idea had occurred to them. Either way, there was nothing to be done.
Three weeks later, eternity abandoned the whirlpool. It straightened out and became as predictable as any watery way governed by currents and tides. Strangeness remained above it, for a man stood there as if on land, the Spiral Crown on his head. He called the townsfolk and all heard him regardless of distance.
"I have recovered the Spiral Crown and restored with it the epoch of hero-kings. This will be my capital, both towns together. Those in the south, who attempted to aid me, will become the rulers of counties, and may your benevolence be an aid to the world. Those in the north, who trusted me, will become the judges, the treasurers, and the generals, and may your stolidity be a bulwark against the world." And all was done as he said.
Finis

Addendum

Speaking of game shows, when do we replace the contestants with CGI versions of them that are better-looking? The contestant will still play and talk, but we won't have to look at the horror of an average person.

Discussion Corner

When another Wheel of Time TV show is produced in thirty years after we're all dead, should it be a game show? That's what the name would lead one to suspect, after all. A history-based quiz show? A bunch of challenges like stand on one leg for three minutes? An endurance battle of flames and scorpions? That'll probably be legal by then.

Punchline Corner

"Ramppunk? I thought you said stamppunk!"

Wait. Hold on. Mages casting spells from stamps. Maybe they turn into familiars, some of them wearing tophats. Hey! If you take my idea, give me a million dollars! At least!

Wheel of Time Season 2

I'm excited for all the wrong reasons! No emotion exists for me but spite! It's going to be great!

Redundant Subgenres

Someone tried to sell me on ramppunk, and I said, "At that point, just make it mummypunk." He did, and now he's a millionaire. Don't tell anyone your ideas outside of your memoirs.

Simplify, Simplify

Maybe we should give up on all these devices and just read books and watch kung fu movies on the Switch. Whaddaya say, fellas?

Skeleton Morality

Once upon a time, skeletons looked at the birds, the saber-toothed tigers, the dinosaurs, and by that they realized they were naked.
"We must cover ourselves," half the skeletons said.
"We were created perfect and will only lose by it, like a covered statue," half argued.
They didn't agree. The half that wanted clothes hunted animals and wore them, and so became humans. Those that refused froze and shattered when the glaciers came, but afterward humans became rulers of the planet because of their shame. So must you cultivate virtue as well, for without it you are brittle.
Finis

Prerequisite for Dinosaur Fantasy

If the dinosaurs aren't going to have feathers because the paleontologists won't come clean, we have to give them sick armor and maces shaped like stegosaurus heads.

Addendum

While you're at it, give all the secondary charactes their own kingdoms. That gives you the backstory for your next story.

Proper Endings for Fantasy Main Characters

If the main character doesn't become king, there should probably be an appendix explaining he becomes king of some other place later. Even the first Dragon Quest understood this much.

Literature NEEDS This

Books with different printings, each of which only has four-fifths of the words so you have to trade with your friends.

Speaking of Fantasy Races

Make sure to give your snakepeople a lot of hisstory. Babang! Play me out, Dustin!

Pulleypunk

This is stupid. Don't do this one.



Heh, now those rubes will never realize pulleypunk is the next big thing.

Revisiting Old Ideas

Technology has solved problem after problem. It became unexceptional to read about this disease eradicated, that famine averted. The only difficulty, people expected, that could never be solved was achieving perfect government. They held that belief so firmly that nobody noticed when it was.
Join us now as we go behind the scenes to get a glimpse, if we can, of how this little lab ended the scourge of poor road repair, riots, and expensive campaigns all at once. Analysts assure us it's not mind control, but what if they're the ones being controlled? Ha, ha!
Here's Dr. Ermeyer. Give to us straight, Doc. What's the secret?
"Well, you know the old saying about magic and technology? We synthesized a chemical which gives people magic powers. After some trials, one thing led to another, and, well, the government is now run by immortal wizard-kings."
Amazing! What made you think to try that?
"We read a bunch of books with immortal wizard-kings in them. This was usually presented as a suboptimal situation, but quite frankly, none of us saw a good argument why. It seemed like a good arrangement to us. I'll leave it to the rest of you to judge."
There you have it. Magic is back, and it's more helpful, and less fell and dolorous, than ever! With the joys on offer today, our immortal wizard-kings don't need tyranny to have a good time. Even magic has been fixed by technology.
Finis

Fantasy Cuisine and Worldbuilding

Remember, pretty much all food is you cook something and maybe either dribble some sauce on it or drop it in there. Let's get to the next action scene already.

Profound Science Fiction Discussion Topic

If there are aliens who get it together enough to come to our planet, maybe we should just let them run things. What do you mean they want to eat us? Oh noooooooooo!
The topic is: What makes humans so delicious? Does it have something to do with marbling?

One Firm Preference

One thing I don't doubt is that for me, the most important part of fantasy is the characters. Namely, how huge their swords are.

A Contradiction in Personal Preference

I don't like fantasy races much. Not the classic ones such as elves and dwarves, and not fresh new ones such as welvs and duvvars. Are those real? I hope not, since I'm not trying to say anything pointed here. The problem is that when I think of fantasy I like, most of it has fantasy races in it. Does that mean I like those stories despite that element, or am I simply mistaken about my own preferences? The latter seems likelier than I want it to be.

Happy Post-Apocalyptic Fourth of July!

We partied too hard and destroyed civilization! Well, these things happen. So, anybody the successor of a secret martial arts school? No? We probably should have checked that before we bought the fireworks.

Happy 4th of July!

I'm so excited, I couldn't even write out "fourth." Do you think that, in the future, we'll celebrate by dragging an asteroid toward Earth and blowing it up? I sure hope so. Write your congressman today.

Fruit Hanging Above Reach

Future Year 57886. Mankind has spread far beyond Earth, technology has advanced beyond imagination, horse racing was banned when nobody could think of dumb names for the horses not yet in use, and stores put up their Christmas decorations in Space August. A time of endless adventure.
"Captain, there's a space hurricane!" the guy in charge of detecting harmful cosmic phenomena yelled.
"Check that one, archive person," ordered the captain. In the equal society of the future, only the captain needed an actual job title.
"Space Hurricane. That one's taken."
The captain snorted. "Of course it is. Check 'Captain There's a Space Hurricane.'"
"Taken."
"'Hey Captain How's That Space Hurricane Running Yellow Socks.'"
"Taken."
Such are the hardships of exploration in Future Year 57886.
"'My Name's Hurricane My Brother's Name Is Space and We Have a Show for You Today.'"
"Taken."
All the songs are covers, too, and all the movies are sequels. Where will mankind find its rest, when it has grown old?
Finis

Better Title for Baldur's Gate 3

The Baldur's Gate. I mean, who do they think is going to buy these things, mathematicians? Almost certainly. But there are other customers, too.