Space Battles

"What is it that humanity dreamed of when we set out for the stars?"
"Beachfront property."
"No."
"Religious and ideological freedom."
"No."
"Ensuring the survival of humanity somewhere in the galaxy in the face of possible annihilation by asteroid impacts, plagues, nanomachine swarms, AI threat, and who knows what else."
"No! So we could have space wars! With cool spaceships shooting torpedoes and mass drivers and stuff at each other. Cocky fighter pilots serving under stoic captains with brilliant tactical minds. Glory and romance on the endless stellar sea."
"Yeah, I don't know. I think most of them wanted nice property with good weather, shorter tee times, and to give their kids silly names without it being seen as low class." Manfred Borninspace Winkler leaned back in his chair. "At least the ones I know. And they got it. So I don't think anybody's going to war across space."
"That's easy to say now," Alexandros Ilias Werther-Patel said. "Discord can arise anywhere, anytime. Just look at all this xenolily being loaded." He waved at the manifest. "Those bigshots back on Earth are crazy about its culinary properties and alleged medicinal benefits! Just think what would happen if the supply were interrupted."
"I'm thinking absolutely nothing. Xenolily is a marketing name; it's just a kind of lily that could grow on Earth if they wanted. Growing it here and moving it in container freighters is a tiny bit more efficient. Even that's only true because nobody's in a hurry to get any of the luxury goods we send out."
Alexandros was scowling harder than Manfred thought a non-cartoon person could. "Fine, sure. What about this, though: The next freighter crashes into the depot! Clearly an act of war."
"Nothing will be clear about that when nobody from here invades Earth's lily fields in the confusion or whatever you think we're going to do. It'd be ruled an accident and they'd put some more items on our safety checklists. Unless you're going to arrange it yourself, which you don't know how to do, and also I would rat you out."
"Are dreams dead?" Alexandros asked. Manfred snorted.

"The machine empire!" Alexandros had regained his optimism the next day.
"What is it this time?"
"Imagine this: An inorganic civilization governed by AIs bent on human destruction. Their superior technology renders their fleets all but invincible. How will humanity defeat them?"
"Space battles, I imagine," Manfred said.
Alexandros was beaming. "Right! So what do you think?"
"I think fights way out in space don't become any more likely with AIs calling the shots. Less so, since they don't have your attachment to the concept."
"Fine, well, just accept the exercise for a second. What would get them to build and use space fleets?"
"Uh, maybe if they were programmed by some mad scientist to do cool stuff instead of smart stuff, but you're the only person who wants space war, and you can't do it."
"I can't, huh? We'll see about that."
"Sure we will, buddy."

Months later, Alexandros had something to show Manfred. "I rented a slot around a moon and set up a camera satellite."
"You rented what? How rich are you?"
"Pretty rich. I only have a job to get out of the house. Anyway, look at this."
The recording showed two spaceships which looked unlike anything in use. Bereft of mounts for containers, satellites, or tether repair equipment, it would be unclear what their purpose was to anyone not involved in the earlier conversations. Manfred said, "You actually built warships? How? You'd better not be a genius as well as rich or I'll have some things to say to the universe."
"Well, they're just small drones, but I can build and program them to fight." While Alexandros spoke, the ships maneuvered and launched tiny missiles at each other and generally carried on a thrilling space battle.
"See? Space fights are both possible and ultra cool. I mean, they're not real AIs, and the ships are tiny, but I could make them attack Earth I guess. That would start a real war."
"Well, no. You'd need the whole machine empire, not a proof of concept. Now let's suppose a mad scientist, we'll call him 'you,' did create a machine empire to attack Earth for fun. If you lose, the show's over. Worse than that, it's over if you win, too. Even if you can instigate a war, you can't keep it going."
"Oh, yeah."
"Don't act like your puppy died. Make your drones fight each other."
"Oh, yeah!" Alexandros frowned. "No, but, that will get old fast. The tactics and technology will be completely stagnant if I'm running both sides. And I'm not rich enough to build enough of these things. There should be hundreds on each side. Thousands even. They have to blow up too, or it's pointless."
"You're right. You'd better get other people involved."
"The problem is, I've been asking around and I think maybe not a lot of people do want space wars. Not enough, anyway." "So give them what they do want. Buy a bunch of stuff and offer it as prizes. Get your own ski lodge and set up vacations for the winning team."
"Make fun of me all you want," Alexandros said, "but I'm doing it."

"And that's how Space Battle League was founded. This concludes our tour." The tour guide bowed as the lights came back on. "We hope you enjoyed it and will continue to support us through the upcoming 6,500,000 point season and beyond."
"Wow," one of the tour members said. "That was much dumber than I expected. Aren't businesses usually a little more thought out or, I don't know, mature?"
"Maybe in the past." A man sitting in the back of the theater stood up and made himself known.
"Hey, that's Manfred!" The tourists went for their cameras.
"Maybe in the past or on Earth," company co-founder Manfred Borninspace Winkler went on. "I used to think humanity began settling the stars to create picturesque lakes and write crank newsletters. I was right, but I've realized it isn't just that. All those things are expressions of a deeper truth: We left Earth because one planet could never have enough room for all the silly nonsense people want to do. Humanity's capacity for buffoonery is infinite, and so we will continue expanding until the entire galaxy is filled with our stupid junk."