Happy New Year

I would ask everyone's resolutions, but we all share the same one: To humble those arrogant young masters.

Perilous Symbolism

"Oh king, once, there was a wondrous egg! And when it hatched, three hundred sixty-five soldiers emerged from it, in full panoply!" The king considered. "There doesn't seem to be much of a point to that story."
"Oh king, it symbolizes—"
"We know what it symbolizes. Everyone knows what it symbolizes. Symbolism isn't substance. We have decided. Make us a soldier-hatching egg that we may defend our holdings the more effectively."
"But sire . . ."
And lo, the kingdom did not develop eggs capable of hatching three hundred sixty-five soldiers, but they did have armor in them, which was a great boon both militarily and economically. Literarily, the kingdom's writers moved away from empty symbolism for fear of being assigned an impossible task, another improvement.
Finis

Fireball

Why a ball? Isn't that kinda weird?

Fantasy for the Modern Taste

An affordable house? Now that's a fantasy! Because there's a dragon in it, and what was cool shall remain cool.

Secrets of Orthography

Go ahead and misspell "parallel." Nobody will ever realize or care.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.
























----> Merry Christmas <----

Criticism's Sting

Have you ever seen something called "blandasy," "blantasy," or "blandtasy?" I haven't. Only today did I realize how odd that is.

But Once a Year

"Gentlemen! Our unprecedented new advertising campaign." The executive pressed a button on the table. An image appeared behind him of an orbital platform which, even as they watched, began ejecting payloads. "Within one hour, we will have delivered a complimentary bar of soap and a coupon to every household on the planet."
Amid the clapping, one junior executive said, "Now that's what I call a merry Christmas!"
"How so?"
"Well, because it's almost Christmas and we're delivering presents like Santa."
"You mean this has already been done? Why didn't anyone tell me? This is a debacle! Stop the launches!"
It was too late. Christmas had already come.
Finis

Chilling Science Fiction Tales

In the distant future, people will think of coal as a rare and valuable present because only Earth has any. Boo!

Zombie Varieties

1. Unintelligent zombies
2. Intelligent zombies
3. Zombies that know a lot of baseball statistics but are bad at evaluating player value

A Job Half-Done

If you wanted to write a porn parody of the latest Brandon Sanderson book, you probably start with Skin and, but I can't figure out the rest. Booty doesn't work, and neither does Couth.

A Shared Obligation

If your story doesn't have at least one made-up word in it, how can we make advancements in the language?

Addendum

As for butlers, flip a coin for scrupulous or unscrupulous before anything else.

The Varieties of Maids

1. Clumsy
2. Hyper-competent
3. Gossipy
4. Found the body
5. Loyal
6. Saucy
7. Tyrannical
8. Naive
9. Not actually a maid
10. Flirty
11. Intelligent talking animal
12. Gambling tipster
13. Assassin
14. Unscrupulous
15. Wise in herbal remedies
16. Believes in ghosts
17. Mad scientist
18. Artificial
19. High-level
20. Engaged

Now get out your randomization method of choice. But wait! The discerning reader has already noticed most of these are mutually compatible, while the especially discerning knows all of them are, the first two most of all. Therefore randomize yourself how many traits to assign. I recommend no more than three, duplicates allowed.

The Manifold Forms of the Silver Moon

One gentle night, three men relaxed outside of town. Why not? When insects play for the moon's pleasure, how indecorous it to refuse to be entertained.
"The man in the moon carries a pail! I am sure of it." Thus the first said.
"There is no question but that he has with him a gleaming sword." The second had that opinion.
"Naive! He carries nothing of course." The third laughed at the others.
A debate resolved nothing. Each held to his starting opinion as he studied the man in the moon, his stance and his movements. Without words, the three agreed they had discerned the moon's peerless technique and stood. Then that master of the pail, that genius of the sword, and that fist prodigy fell to battle, each against the other two, and who can say which of them won and whether the three attained the lunar perfection for which they yearned?
Finis

The Sad, Inevitable Outcome of Space Colonization

We're going to get out there and discover all the good places have been taken by cool guys and gals already. What a drag.

Addendum

And break up those constellations. "Stars never get together but that it is at tellurid expense," Adam Smith wrote, and it's as true now as it was then.

The Problem With Planets

They keep moving around. Somebody ought to get to work on that.

Addendum

Do you think Atlantis sunk itself to prevent a Santa visit? What a naughty country that was.

Ancient Mysteries

Do you think the aliens built the pyramids like that to stop Santa from landing on the roof? Probably he's the enemy of all aliens. They're against gifts is the main reason. They slow down technological progress.

I Don't Think Parodies of Specific Books Within Series Are Hot Right Now

But if they were, what do you think? The Fryers of Heaven, The Fryers of Leaven, The Friars of Heaven, or The Friars of Kevin? The third sounds like it might be a real book, but the people who know will know. The fourth should probably be part of a series itself.

The Difficulty of Circumstances

"You have nothing to live for, you say? Well then. Try this. There is a barrel in the town of Tenba which has this property. Reach in it, once only, and you can pull out any object you want. That's right, it grants your wish, if you wish for something tangible."
Believing in those words, for he could believe in nothing else, the despondent swordsman traveled across the lands, and though he did not remember a deed he did, the people were everywhere grateful for his intervention.
He reached Tenba and found the barrel. Every man in the town knew the legend and knew it to be true, and directed him straight to it. "But you will not put your hand in," they told him.
He learned the reason when he saw the guardian. Before the barrel, radiant and unquestionable no common item, stood on its hind legs a bear wearing big, bulky red gloves. It stared into nothing until he approached, whereupon it gave him its attention and raised its gloves. Unsure, he took a step back, and the guardian bear resumed its idle attitude.
"The story is this." It was the white-haired man who told him of the barrel to begin who said that, and how he arrived there in time for an explanation would have bewildered someone not already confused by the bear. "A god placed that barrel there and set over it the guardian, saying this: 'Fulfill your desires if you can, but remember that whatever happens, good or bad, there is something behind it, and your desires can change easily enough.' Now you may kill yourself with the guardian as your excuse. I think first you should consider my advice from back then."
With that, the man disappeared, and the swordsman reflected.
Finis

Wheel of Time Season 3 Date Announced

Now we can ignore it knowingly!

On Path of Exile 2

How many crimes did this dude commit to get exiled twice? Yeesh! Anyway, I hope you got to login.

Addendum

Oh boy, when I'm eating my cereal in a bowl of milk, there's nothing I like more than a glass of milk, buttered toast, more toast, an apple, a banana, a bunch of grapes, a grapefruit, and a glass of orange juice. It's a symphony of flavor.

The Reason to Have Spaceships in Your Story

So you can sell lunchboxes shaped like your spaceships. Do people still buy lunchboxes? Did they ever? Was this whole thing fake like the "balanced breakfast" in cereal commercials?

The Problem Facing Books Today

They don't have theme songs. They definitely need them.

The Agonizing Debt of Sin

The prophet proclaimed, "The gods are angry with us!"
The skeptic confronted him. "What makes you say so this time? Not enough rain? Too much rain? Or is it OW! What was that?"
"Behold and marvel! The gods have descended to slap everyone individually! It is a sublime honor, but OUCH!"
After that, the skeptic became a prophet himself, as did every person in the entire world. That time is today known as The Year of Prophets, and never will there be such a year again, though we beg every day for the gods to stop being so coy about what we should and should not do.
Finis