Decorative Reminder

When your hero is hitching a ride on a wagon, and don't pretend that doesn't happen in your story, remember to describe the ridiculous or garish ways the owner has decorated it. You know what people do with their trucks. You know.

The Latest Monster

Double bees that have two stingers, one on each side. You can use that one for free so long as you're grateful.

The Meaning of Boundaries

Two landowners, Etgald and Lodfin, finally settled where to place the fence. They promptly cooperated to see it done.
"This will resolve all disputes," Etgald said as he admired it. "What's on this side is mine."
"And my parcel is over here," Lodfin said, tapping his fingers on his arm. "But."
"But?"
"The fence."
"Yeah?"
"Whose is that?"
"Why, I suppose I don't have an answer for that just at this particular moment."
That was the beginning of Etgald and Lodfin's grand adventure to learn the meaning of the space between. Not only did they revolutionize geometry and contribute to mathematics, they also defeated the terrible Hidden Tyrant. When they got back home, they were both heroes and fully tolerant of each other's company. They kept the fence, though.
Finis

Speaking of the Xbox 360 Marketplace

Remember when Doritos made a game and it was decent? What an era.

Titles

Is there a weaker title than baronet? I bet baronets get bullied by everybody in public except pages, who do it in private. Baronet. Yeesh. Lesser Baron would be far better.

Addendum

But what if that isn't enough? Have a villain or rival guess at the plan, but guess wrong, and have him to repeat it to all of his associates until it gets to someone who knows the plan and says, "No, what will actually happen is . . ."

How to Write a Book Quickly

Start by having the main character come up with an intricate plan, then every time a new character is introduced, describe the plan again in full. You'll be done in no time.

Streamlining the Conceptual Process

When you're coming up with ideas for you next story, just brainwashing away, if you ever accidentally write "explore" or "interrogate" without immediately following that with some fantasy name, cross it out and write, "What if Al Capone was a dragon?" Then underline "dragon" thrice and run your pink highlighter over the entire question except that word "a."

A Terrible Secret

They don't want you to know this, but here in the digital era, books are judged entirely on their file size. Keep trying to hit that magic number, fellas! No, they won't tell you what it is.

Starter Town Fair

Hello there! It's a great time to visit, because our town fair begins today. It doesn't have anything to do with gods, heroes, or curses. In reality it's nothing but a big advertisement where we show off the quality of what we're producing this year. Still, we can't help but feel proud of our town when we look back on what we've made and what we've overcome.
Just look at what our gem cutters have done with the items our miners bring out when the mines aren't overrun by monsters, which is most of the year you know. That purity! That shine! That taste in settings! I can see you're entranced, and I don't blame you. I'm gratified by it, and so is everyone else in town.
Over there is the display of what our furriers have designated as their finest pieces yet to be shipped out. They're a local specialty; we get the pelts from the Fierce Wolves adventurers grind all day. You probably passed some on your way into town. Remember, no kill-stealing!
Has your eye been taken by that bronze of the twin gods of medicine and poison? It isn't a permanent fixture. The item store had it made out of the proceeds from potions and antidotes. Business is booming, isn't it? But not as much as for our favorite (and richest) private citizen, who funded the new town hall. He makes the treasure chests you see in every dungeon.
What's that cage for, you ask? I'm glad you asked. That's one of our most fun town traditions. You see, every year some daring thief tries to make off with, well, just look around! That isn't planned. It's just a consequence of human nature. Then we grab the thief and throw him in there. That's where we've been going this whole time! Enjoy your stay, and if you're lucky, a hero will come by who's willing to give you a second chance. Don't look like that. It happens more often than you'd think, because of the mines.
Finis

Important Science Question

Does each asteroid have its own god, or is there a single asteroid belt god?

Addender

Do you think Daffy Duck's real first name is Daffodil? I'm now convinced that it is.

Addendum

This does mean that Jimmy the Hand looks like Glover.

Ambiguous Sobriquets

I always figured "the Hutt" was a nickname, but it has been decided that while it is a nickname, it is simply his species, much like Jimmy the Greek. It makes sense, but I still like mine better. What really puzzles me is Ookla the Mok.

Addendum

"Demon credits" might actually be worse, but there's an ambiguity there that will detract from the horror till the reader becomes accustomed.

How to Inform the Audience of the Grim State of the Setting

"Demon dollars." That's the currency. It can't get worse than that.

The Weight of Virtue

The mountain most sacred to the gods disappeared one day. "Just as virtue has departed from the human heart, so too has this mountain left human sight." That was the divine declaration.
Humanity was distraught for months, for years, for decades, but over centuries it was decided that virtue was not so essential to living as was feared. Eventually its very existence was forgotten along with the mountain. A town grew up there in a location long considered to be forbidden, and the residents could not understand why it had not been founded earlier.
The town prospered because of its manifold reputable businesses such as gambling, usury, counterfeiting, and receiving stolen goods. One day, a vendor disposing of stolen goods called back a customer. "Sir, you forgot your change," he said, whereupon the mountain manifested and destroyed the wicked town except for the fence, who set up a guide service for hikers and hardly ever robbed the patrons.
Finis

How to Make Your Book More Cinematic

Now that we don't use physical books, you can put your text at a Dutch angle. How unsettling!

Character Description Reminder

Don't forget you can describe how loud different characters sneeze. But you probably shouldn't. Mostly.

Connotation Corner

Has anything good ever come from something described as "glistening?" Probably, but I think it's the minority.

Addendum

Whereas the wind sage on the eagle and the one on the arctic tern get along famously.

Natural Rivalries

I bet the water sage who rides on a dolphin and the one who rides on a jellyfish compete all the time, just complete loggerheads.

Magnitude

There are two kinds of people: those who think giga is bigger than ultra and the reverse. Or so you'd think, but don't you change your mind every time you think about it? I bet you do.

Secret of the Well of Secrets

Outside the town of Dugnix was a well, and tradition held that if one whispered a secret into it, that secret would forever be kept. A harmless custom until Crime Sage Rykel heard about it.
"I will employ my new water-breathing magic for the purpose of gathering blackmail material," he told himself. No one else wanted to talk to him. He traveled alone to Dugnix and lowered himself into the well.
"Now there is nothing to do but wait," he thought, and what a long time he had in that, for the townsfolk did not accrue secrets so quickly as that. Bored, Rykel sank lower into the water, lower, lower, till he detected a powerful presence when it yelled at him.
"I am the Eater of Secrets Guzabansh! Get out of my well! It's at full capacity!"
There began a ferocious battle of magic and monster. Unquestionably Rykel had earned the sobriquet of "sage" through his superior ability, no matter how unscrupously he applied it. The monster however was a powerful thing not easily vanquished, and hideous as well. Rykel was glad he was unable to see anything down there.
Ferocious power burst forth from Rykel and destroyed Guzabansh along with the well. The townsfolk came to investigate, the braver ones first.
"I am Rykel the Crime Sage, and since it's come to this, tell me your secrets directly so I can blackmail you!" Drenched as he was, he looked less intimidating than he might have.
"We can stop feeding that terrible Guzabansh? Hurrah for Rykel!" The townsfolk demurred when it came to blackmail, but they threw Rykel a banquet, bestowed on him the honor of civic hero, and gave him a discount on purchases at all local vendors. He had to be content with that.
Finis

Addendum

You ever notice how often hypocrisy is rank? Not much else is.

Rank Hypocrisy

People get all worked up about turkey and potatoes in vaguely medieval fantasy, but they never say anything about coconuts, and when you break open the coconut there's a spirit inside that gives you magic armor that's obviously just power armor and the spirt becomes your sassy copilot. Can you believe these people?

On Scandal

Remember that the people in your world might have different ideas of what constitutes scandal. For instance, being level 3 when you told everybody you were level 5 already, or going on trips to the Regular Planet where there aren't any planet-wide casinos or megacults.

An Important Warning

How often should books remind the reader to rest his eyes, do his homework/chores/social climbing, and get around to setting up those cameras? Every fifteen pages?

Addendum

In science fiction, the cool kids are writing RGB values to indicate colors.

The Changing Essence of Fantasy

Normal: Red
Old Fantasy: Crimson
New Fantasy: Riggidy Red

Wonders of Cultural Exchange

An unusual sight is the usual in a port city, but the most jaded confessed to amazement when across the ocean traveled a man toward them, not piloting a ship, rowing a boat, or even walking over the waves as if they were hills. Had that been true they would have figured him for a god, a straightforward enough matter.
Instead he was standing sideways on the broad blade of a sword larger than surely he was capable of wielding, they thought, until he rode it up the beach, picked it up, and leaned it casually against his shoulder. "Where is this? I am come exploring from the east," he announced.
Everyone wondered the same thing. "Welcome, visitor, but why did you travel in such a strange way?"
"What? Is there a better one?"
They showed him their ships and taught him everything about sailing, carpentry, and nautical engineering. The stranger learned so well that he became a renowned shipwright, adding his own innovations to a solid foundation of seamanship. One day he declared he had mastered their technology. "But I don't see what's better about it." Saying that, he boarded his sword and left, never to return.
Finis