Addendum

"Any sufficiently advanced technology knows the forbidden spell of destruction." - First Law of Wizard Mechs
"Any technology which does not know the forbidden spell of destruction is insufficiently advanced." - Corollary

A Test of Intellect

Idiots: Technology and magic should oppose each other!
Geniuses: Mechs with wizard staves!

Q&A Corner

Q. What do solar systems and families have in common?
A. There usually aren't enough bodies in them.

Fantasy Edutainment

"Seems like an easy case, Stovak."
"Are you kidding? I've never seen a more puzzling mystery in all my career. We've got a long road ahead of us, Drupil, and there's no doubt about that."
Knight-Detective Drupil looked around the scene. The victim, the signs of a struggle with blood and broken pottery all over, the open window, the zombie standing next to the victim. "Uh, how so? The zombie killed him."
"Impossible." Knight-Detective Stovak raised three fingers. "Remember the three laws of zombonics. One! A zombie never kills anyone onscreen. Two! A zombie will chew nearby corpses for dramatic effect. Three! A zombe will attack all living things it sees slowly and ineffectually."
"Right, right. Wait. It's just standing there. Does that mean it isn't a zombie?"
"Yeah. And maybe . . ." Stovak kicked the victim, who grunted. "Maybe this isn't a corpse."
"That just makes it a simple case in a different way." Drupil reached down and helped up the ersatz corpse. "It's great to find out you're alive, God-Steward Tuild. Wait. You aren't Tuild!"
"No," the zombie said. "I am." Dun dun dun!

"I can't believe God-Steward Wregil knocked out Baron Edrak, who was threatening him over his relationship with his daughter, and used Count-Magician Brunuil's experimental transformation magic to turn his rival, God-Steward Tuild, into a zombie so he would eat the evidence," Drupil marveled.
"Too bad for him that there's one thing he forgot," Stovak said.
"The three laws of zombonics."
"That's right, partner."
THE END
Next time, a professor of lichology is found dead after a ritual gone wrong . . . and Knight-Detective Stovak's old squire is accused of murder.

"I hate this theatrical series. You can always tell who did it because it's the most famous actor in the cast that week. Besides, only Itrenorn zombies act that way."
"You say that every week, Trumarl, but every week we end up back here."
"Yeah, but you know why."
"Sure. Who'd your brother-in-law play this time? The temple custodian?"
"Right. Hey Criuak, you were great today, and so on, and my sister asked me to bring you this . . . Criuak? Criuak!"
"I can't believe it! He's been murdered!" Dun dun dun!
Finis

The Case of the Gregarious Gangs

Perry Mason sits in his office, discussing the last successful case with Paul Drake and Della Street. Just then, Gertie sends in a client. She's a beatiful woman who tells Perry the city has been taken over by thugs. He accepts one dollar as a retainer, walks through the door, and starts trashing enemies.
Perry Mason: brawler.
Paul Drake: powerful strikes.
Della Street: fast combos.
At one point you smash the door into the courthouse. Hamilton Burger objects, but the judge wants to see where the defense is going with this. Both are unlockable characters. Or DLC, depending how things shake out.

What Kind of Game Can Succeed in Today's Market?

Perry Mason beat-'em-up.

Thoughts on Dragalia Lost

As an expert in not playing Dragalia Lost, seeing as I only played the intro, I decided to explain its failure. Publish or perish, after all.
First, right from the beginning, the controls felt worse than similar games like Bleach Brave Souls.
Second, that intro gave the impression the game would be dungeon-focused, but when I looked in later, it seemed the entire thing was boss-in-a-box fights with a heavy co-op focus. The audience that wants more of the former feels deceived, and that which wants the latter will never know that game has it.
The biggest problem, however, is that it missed its aesthetic. It seems to me, a professor of not playing Dragalia Lost, that there's a triumvirate of aesthetic categories such that the successful mobile games hit one or two hard, which we will call Cute, Cool, and Coom. Games can touch on all three, but you can tell where its heart is. Granblue Fantasy is cool and Princess Connect is cute, for example.
So what's Dragalia Lost? It has those chibis, so it's cute, right? Not really. They don't have particularly cute expressions. They look like low-poly characters in an early Playstation game, as if their tininess were a technical limitation rather than a choice. Furthermore, they're being used to tell a pretty po-faced fantasy story about dragons and time travel. The music is cutesy, not cute. The difference is crucial. Maybe it's cool, but then, it's full of chibis and tubby dragons, not to mention pastels and slice of life type wyrmprint art are not the least bit cool, to say nothing of Euden's hair. It certainly isn't coom. The occasional bikini doesn't cut it. You need to hit different tastes and have a sense of the erotic which Dragalia Lost lacks almost completely. That's why it got so little fanart.
You can talk about this or that update or monetization all you want, but that only matters if people play it in the first place. Dragalia Lost's numbers were disappointing from the very beginning. I contend the primary reason was the lack of aesthetic appeal, although of course some people liked it a lot. Plenty of stuff I like also isn't popular, so I know how it is.

Farewell to Dragalia Lost

I don't really have anything to say about it, but attention must be paid. I can't believe they didn't put Link in it. It had more collabs with Capcom games than Nintendo. Come on, fellas.

Let's Take the Temperature!

Old and tired: Ambiguity.
Back in style: Ambidexterity.

Terror of the Black Hole

"Watch out, Perry! The black hole will pull us in if we continue on this course!"
"So?"
"Huh?"
Perry lounged in the ship's cabin, one arm dropping over one rest, his eyes half-closed. "What's the fuss about that, Randy?"
"It's a black hole."
"And?"
"And that's bad."
"Oh?" Perry's head rolled till he could look straight at Randolph, his co-pilot. "Have you ever been in one?"
"No. Nobody has."
"Exactly."
It was an exploration ship, after all. Most of a mile of sensors, thrusters, reactors, and provisions for the two pilots confined to the single cabin investigated anything that seemed worth investigating. Not black holes. Everyone knew what those were.
"Don't we know what those are?"
"No more than we do about the rest of this stuff. We have telescopes. We have unmanned probes. We're out here to make sure."
"Yeah. OK. Yeah. Punch it."

The two pilots regained awareness in a vestibule. They remembered nothing about leaving their ship, but there they were.
"Well, Randy? How was it?"
"I don't even remember. Let's go through that door, maybe find something to report."
Perry eased open the smaller, presumably interior door, and saw chaos. Unimaginable chaos. Aliens with six arms hung from two or three chandeliers at once, a line of dancers with anywhere from three to eight legs each kicked up its many heels in time with the bouncy intergalactic band on the anti-gravity stage, and partiers carried on all over the floor, the walls, the transparent ceiling, and every surface of the room above visible beyond it.
"I admit that I'm a little surprised," Perry said. "Isn't there a fire marshal around?"
"Ha!" A mass of crystal which had extended part of itself into a single gigantic arm for holding a keg vibrated in amusement. "Nobody like that could make it in here. This place is for cool guys and gals only. Like you two. How do I know you're cool when I've never seen your species before? Because you're here, that's how. Come on in!"
Perry and Randy grinned at each other. "Don't mind if we do."
Finis

When to Use a Pen Name

If you're Fred Saberhagen and you're not writing about swords, you should call yourself Fred Spacestationhagen.

Addendum

Not if you do it after reading that post, of course.

True Creativity

is when you give the artillery captain an eyepatch and a very sophisticated parrot.

Addendum

Especially if the sympathetic character had cause to dislike the unsympathetic character. A business deal gone sour. Wouldn't let him marry his daughter. That sort of thing.

How to Establish a Sympathetic Character

Have somebody be sad the unsympathetic character got murdered.

How To Establish an Unsympathetic Character

Have him get murdered early on. The readers will figure he deserved it. That way there can be plenty of suspects.

There Are More Than You Might Think

"How long, guide?"
"About four hours, Mr. Jarris."
Jarris considered. He could reach his destination that same day, but his men wouldn't feel right about staying the night in or anywhere near the Esdallic Fane. Neither would he, come to that. "We'll make camp here," he told them before turning back to the local he had hired. "Will you continue with us or return to town? I don't know how the people around here feel about the Fane."
The guide pulled a copper pendant from behind his shirt and fingered it while he thought. "Mostly we don't think about it. There's nothing special about it as far as we know, but if you find something . . . I hope you wouldn't mind if I tell everybody."
"Depends what we find." Jarris chuckled, but he kept his eyes on the pendant. "I didn't see anyone else with a pendant like that. Back in town, I mean."
"Oh, uh, well no. My father gave this to me before he disappeared. Told me not to let it out of my sight, that it was important."
Jarris narrowed his eyes. He felt his scar throbbing. He opened his mouth, but that was all. Wind blew words away. Thunder made everything silent by comparison. A storm manifested, a man-sized storm, and cleared up seconds later.
"I'll give you 500 melks for it." A man stood where the storm had been. He wore robes and held a staff made not for walking, but for magic. "The average laborer makes 3 melks per month. With 500, you can buy property. Get married. It's a good deal!" "Who are you? What are you up to?" Jarris demanded to know.
"I'm the Mage of Darrannassa. I have a spell that alerts me to mysterious keepsakes so I can make an offer. They've all been duds so far, but eventually I'll find one with immense magical potency. That's the bet I'm making, but take my advice, young Araph. Don't bet. Take the sure thing. 500 melks, today."
"How did you know my name?" the young guide gasped.
"I'm the Mage of Darrannassa."

Well? What you would you do? Answer now before scrolling down to see what happened.





"Well . . ." Araph said, but then the demons attacked. As usual, that was a fake choice.
Finis

The New Alignment System

Cat - Neutral - Dog
Plane - Neutral - Tank

Addender

Sometimes, when people say, "Nobody knows X," they are excepting themselves. Not this time.

Addendum

The Trolls of Gummi Bears. The Ghosts of Pac-Man. The Simon Bar Sinister of Underdog, which sounds like some kind of allegedly deconstructionist remake. Too bad nobody knows what deconstruction means.

A Realization Too Late

Why do those pirates get to be in the title of Pirates of Dark Water? The Pokemon cartoon isn't called Team Rocket of Pokemon, and you could make a better case for that one.

Question of the Week

Does Buck Rogers count as isekai? The answer is yes. Come back next week for more questions with a clear correct answer!

The Problem With Fantasy Today

Are those personality quizzes like what house you would be in or what element you would be still around? Those were great advertising.

The Adventurer Is a King?!?!

"The, ah, adventurers await your pleasure, Your Majesty."
"Mm." Ofza's king grunted and stomped over to the tertiary study. He did not want anyone to see him talking to disreputable wanderers with swords and spells as if he acknowledged them as worthy of consideration. He wanted even more to have no need of doing so, but the situation mandated an unorthodox response. His subjects, disappearing? Crops turning black, or red, or into rock? His armsmen had not been trained for such things.
In the study, representatives of a dozen adventuring bands had gathered, some nervous, some affecting disdain for their royal surroundings, some maintaining a professional pose. Ofza looked them all over. A scarred man, probably a soldier or mercenary who liked fighting but hated war. A young man with bright eyes and a permanent smile, possibly insane. And then . . . "What is this? Are you not our cousin of Ertuy?"
The warrior wearing shining armor that seemed proof even against weapons wrought not by men nodded. "Hail, cousin. We heard you had need of adventurers."
"But you are no adventurer. You are a king."
Ertuy laughed. "Yes, a king with sprawling estates. Estates that gave little revenue when we inherited them on account of various nuisances, and therefore we took up arms to instruct the trolls, witches, werewolves, and fairies who abused our hospitality how they ought to behave. We did so, and when we put hands on the treasures they had hidden away from man's knowledge, well, the revenues of our estates seemed small in comparison. Why not continue? That was our thought." "Mm. Mmmmm." Ofza pondered the story. "We do possess arms of better than usual craftsmanship . . ."
"That's the way, cousin!"
Finis

Addendum

Science fiction too. I want to see some D-list actors standing around in ill-fitting uniforms talking about how a new berserker has appeared between on-rails space shooting sequences. I want Ringworld where the tiger guy looks like the Wing Commander III Kilrathi, except much worse.

A Note on Fantasy Adaptations

An opinion is making the rounds that holds fantasy series should be adapted into animated series. This is incorrect. They should all be FMV games.

Terminology

In fantasy, it's called a "prophecy." In science fiction, it's called a "projection." The word used is the only difference, which makes getting it right crucial.

Nostalgia Corner

Remember dragons? Those were the days.

What To Do With Giants?

Mostly they should be killed by knights, but there are other options.

1) Where do giants come from? Genetic engineering.
2) Where do humans come from? Once upon a time all people were giants who lived 800 years, but then . . .
3) If some humans turn into wolves, what kinds of transformations might giants have? Dinosaurs?
4) In a faraway country, they say in each community one person grows into a giant and becomes the chief.
5) Giant bodies mean giant magic, idiot.

You gotta pay me if you use any of those, but they're worth it. You can tell just by looking.